How to decline a wedding invite

[BabyGohil]

I need help
Been invited to a wedding which is 3 hours away from me, I have a little baby who will be 4 months by then….my husband and baby have not been invited….Im breast feeding and I don’t think I could leave him so far away for that long (I’ve only left him for About and hour or so with grand parents previously).
Thoughts on how to approach this?
I feel like a bad friend but then have anxiety about going and potentially distressing my child as it’s so far away.

@TheRebelle

In my book it’s not really an invitation if the conditions on it mean that you couldn’t attend even if you wanted to, inviting a breastfeeding mother or mother of a newborn without accommodating the baby to an event several hours away is a non-invitation, so I’d have no hesitation in simply RSVPing can’t attend without any explanation.

Agree with this.

@TatianaBis

I’m cringing for you, but that’s ok as you’re completely oblivious.

And you're lecturing others on etiquette

Love it.

@TatianaBis

The correct way to decline a formal wedding invitation makes it very easy:

Mrs Tatiana Bis thanks Mr and Mrs Ponkypoo for the kind invitation to the marriage of their daughter, Eleanor, to Mr John Bobkin at St Cuthbert’s Solihull on Saturday 20th October at 3 o’clock and afterwards at the Regent’s Hotel, and regret that they are unable to accept.

Can I just point out the correct format is that you just thank the person hosting the party (not always the parents) for their invitation not their 'kind' invitation. They may not have wanted to invite you but have to. In which case it was not a kind invitation but an obligatory invitation, rather apt for the OPs situation where she's been invited in a way that means she is very unlikely to attend, that's not a 'kind' invitation.

Regret cards are just a waste of money and paper, the traditional response can still be used in a text or email or written on paper, and includes all the relevant information. When the DC were small I regularly used the rules of a formal response (respond to the person who invited you using the language they used and confirming the time and place) to respond to birthday invites because it covered all the information required.

@JaninaDuszejko

I’d have thought it was obvious that was a sample that you apply to whoever invited you.

The correct format is definitely ‘kind’ invitation. Nothing to do with whether it was literally kind or done with gritted teeth, it’s merely politeness.

@TatianaBis
As has been said, the OP wasn't asking for the Jilly Cooper/Horse and Hound/Tatler
1968 wannabe correct wording (you sound like Bridget Jones trying to be posh btw, not very classy) but how to diplomatically tell them to do one.

@justabigdisco

Waiting for the inevitable “no is a complete sentence” (it’s not, btw. Can you imagine just writing “NO” on an RSVP. Some good suggestions by PPs though)

Hahaha

@Geamhradh

I’m not trying to be anything, but thanks for the laugh.

Nothing to do with class anyway, just the standard response to a formal invite.

It’s not the ‘standard response’, in this day and age of modern communication.

I’m nearly 50, and might have responded like that back when I was getting married, if I’d received an invitation from the bride or groom’s parents - but even that is a dying art. It’s now incredibly rare for an invitation to be sent from anyone but the B&G / B&B / G&G.

To modern ears, such a response is so formal as be over the top, stuffy and inappropriate. Times have changed - lament it, if you must.

You only use the bride’s parents if they’re the ones who’ve issued the invite. As I said, it’s an example. You just adapt that formula to whoever has invited you. This is not rocket science.

The point is if you use the standard formula, and theres a much shorter version which I also supplied, you avoid all the OP’s anxiety about what to say to decline and avoid the tasteless wedding cards. You are sending a very polite reply without having to give a reason why you’re not going.

It’s like knowing how to write a standard business letter. It makes your life easier rather than harder to know the form.

The made up rules for the 'correct' way to decline as per Tatiana's suggestion...just goes to show what a load of BS it actually is... she didn't even get it right in her post. And as for all this "oh how crude and an uncouth" is pure snobber it's all BS from decades ago that barely anyone gives a shit about.. because..shock horror, people have moved on from the 1800s.

@TatianaBis

You only use the bride’s parents if they’re the ones who’ve issued the invite. As I said, it’s an example. You just adapt that formula to whoever has invited you. This is not rocket science.

The point is if you use the standard formula, and theres a much shorter version which I also supplied, you avoid all the OP’s anxiety about what to say to decline and avoid the tasteless wedding cards. You are sending a very polite reply without having to give a reason why you’re not going.

It’s like knowing how to write a standard business letter. It makes your life easier rather than harder to know the form.

But there's no "standard" response. It's all made up BS. ALL faux posh crap where people cling on to old language and weird formalities, that might have sounded and been necessary in 1862... But we're living in 2021... Language, rules, etiquette etc moves on...

And where have we moved onto exactly? Wedding regret cards with gold butterflies and regular threads on how to respond to invitations.

You can claim it’s all made up and get aggressive if you like but, a portion of the population is cracking on with their wedding replies without confusion.

So much angst… I sent the RSVP cards ( with a self addressed stamped envelope ) with the invitation…. It was pretty simple

we will be attending
we will be missed

I didn’t expect or want a dissertation on the reasons for not attending. If I invited you, it was because you are close to me and I assumed you had your reasons for not wanting or being able attend. That’s cool, we all have lives. I get it it.

At no time did I wail into the darkness with my fist held up in the air “By damn if Buffy can’t make it the whole thing is off…off I say”

I also didn’t dictate what anyone in the wedding party wore. I told my bridesmaids, when asked, “you’re adults, you don’t need someone to dress you. I’m wearing white, you literally cannot clash with that. Wear something you already have, buy something new if want an excuse, whatever they only thing I ask is that you help me pee in the gigantic dress I inexplicably bought”

I will state for the record that my grandma’s invitation and my husband’s great Aunt’s invitation we’re made out to Mrs. husbandfirstname husbandlast name as both would have expected and (I heard through others commented on the propriety).

That’s what everyone seems to lose in these discussions, etiquette rules are there to give us a clue what we are supposed to do and how we are supposed to respond.

They are there for the comfort of guests, the ease of interaction, and to give some type of framework. Use them, mostly because they are convenient and they help avoid bad feeling and confusion, but don’t let them twist you up in knots , about what is proper.

Honestly we’ve gone from rigid social constructs to flailing about blind without trying to find the modern version of calling cards and RSVPs.

@TatianaBis

And where have we moved onto exactly? Wedding regret cards with gold butterflies and regular threads on how to respond to invitations.

You can claim it’s all made up and get aggressive if you like but, a portion of the population is cracking on with their wedding replies without confusion.

But they're not adhering to weird made up rules of how to decline, as per your wordy 'incorrect' example, beause there's no need, because it's all made up archaic nonsense. And for you to "look down" on those choosing a different, yet perfectly polite way, just implies your way is somehow better and ...it just isn't. It's just different.

00100001 Its not necessarily archaic rules - just incorrect etiquette. Why on earth would you tell hosting parents where the wedding was and what time it was? Quite funny idea really - and I am archaic and very traditional.

To lay the law down on a matter you have clearly neither of you heard of before to the point that you think it’s made up and incorrect is rather absurd.

I have replied to, and been replied to, such invitations all my life, the formula is not particular to weddings but formal events in general.

Just tell them what you have told us. Suggest a meet up after the wedding maybe? If they dont understand then it their problem!

Just say you have plans. You don’t have to explain yourself.

You buy a Wedding Invitation Decline card and apologize that you will not be able to attend. You do not need to go into details. You may wish to buy them a card and gift separately.

"Sorry - I'd have loved to be there but 6 hours of travel while I'm breast-feeding just isn't going to work! I'll be sure to make your next one."

(Ok, maybe leave off that last bit :-)

The problem isn't that you have a young baby, the child isn't going to get distressed. You have time to prepare with daddy doing an occasional bottle feed etc. The issue is more your own separation anxiety.

A lovely day out at a friends wedding will no doubt be great for you, you just need to do the preparation in advance. Just leave him a few more times with grandparents, or better still your husband, he signed up for this joy of parenting too you know.

Just build up the amount of time you leave him. You know full well that they are in very capable hands and safe.

Jeez, some of these responses are so blunt/rude!! My goodness.

OP, you're such a considerate person to even worry about this! You literally just have to tell them exactly what you've said here, it's so far away and you're breastfeeding. They'll understand and, if they don't, they're not exactly your friend.

@saltinesandcoffeecups Although this is only correct if their MIL are still alive (and sometimes if they are not married to eldest son). I will become Mrs pollymere husbandssurname once my MIL dies.

You could do what my friends colleague did (she was invited without husband and child) and rsvp saying, thanks me, DH and baby would
Love to come and looking forward to it