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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to decline a wedding invite

254 replies

BabyGohil · 16/08/2021 01:46

I need help
Been invited to a wedding which is 3 hours away from me, I have a little baby who will be 4 months by then….my husband and baby have not been invited….Im breast feeding and I don’t think I could leave him so far away for that long (I’ve only left him for About and hour or so with grand parents previously).
Thoughts on how to approach this?
I feel like a bad friend but then have anxiety about going and potentially distressing my child as it’s so far away.

OP posts:
PandemicAtTheDisco · 16/08/2021 11:16

It's good etiquette to respond in the same manner. It's about not trying to cause others to feel insulted and being polite to each other.

People's backgrounds dictate what response is appropriate. If you are replying to her parents and don't know them that well then following the correct etiquette is more important.

TooManyDinosaurs1 · 16/08/2021 11:16

If you really wanted to go you could. I have a exclusively breastfed 5 month old who won't take a bottle, I went on a hen do 3 hours drive away last weekend. My husband booked a hotel close to where the hen do was and I just popped back to feed. This was one of my best friends from uni who I have known 20 years, I wanted to go so I made it happen. If your friend wants you to be at the wedding she'd have invited your husband and baby too. I think it's poor form inviting just you anyway. My friend got married at the weekend (4 hours drive from us) and my husband and children were invited too, my friend wanted us there though.

If they aren't a close friend a polite decline is fine or if you want to go make it happen.

judgejudyrocks · 16/08/2021 11:32

Many years ago when we decided to have children, we took the decision that unless they were invited to anything, we wouldn’t go

Wow. No alone time for you and your husband? Ever? I just cannot get my head around this.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 16/08/2021 11:37

@TatianaBis

How are they naff?

This can’t be a serious question.

So you're saying that if a naff example of something exists that thing must be naff?

That's every single thing now classified as naff then Grin. I suppose at least that makes judging stuff pretty quick and easy.

Janaih · 16/08/2021 11:38

It's good etiquette to put a plus one on an invitation so I wouldn't give too much of a shit about it.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 16/08/2021 11:40

@judgejudyrocks

Many years ago when we decided to have children, we took the decision that unless they were invited to anything, we wouldn’t go

Wow. No alone time for you and your husband? Ever? I just cannot get my head around this.

And you've stuck to it? I find that a little sad and not very healthy for the children. How did they learn to be independent of you if you never left them?
Sparklingbrook · 16/08/2021 11:42

Many years ago when we decided to have children, we took the decision that unless they were invited to anything, we wouldn’t go

I think DH and I made the complete opposite decision. Loved a child free wedding.

Woolver23 · 16/08/2021 11:46

Tick the box on fhe RSVP card/website or send a message "thanks for the invite, sorry I can't make it". Why does it need to be more complicated than that?

Because it sounds abrupt and rude if it's someone who knows and likes you enough to want you there on their special day. Please at least add a "I shall be thinking of you both and wishing you well but I hope you'll understand l that I won't be able to leave such a tiny baby for an entire day".

TatianaBis · 16/08/2021 11:50

So you're saying that if a naff example of something exists that thing must be naff?

I’m saying they’re all naff, and some are naffer than others. Hth.

CruCru · 16/08/2021 11:57

It’s fine to send them a message saying that you won’t be able to come and hope they have a wonderful time BUT please do it now. Don’t umm and ahh so that they have to chase you for a response. Give them time to invite someone else if they want to.

Enterthedragons · 16/08/2021 11:57

‘I’m breastfeeding and baby won’t take a bottle so it won’t be possible for me to come.’ Done

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 12:00

@PandemicAtTheDisco

It's good etiquette to respond in the same manner. It's about not trying to cause others to feel insulted and being polite to each other.

People's backgrounds dictate what response is appropriate. If you are replying to her parents and don't know them that well then following the correct etiquette is more important.

Why are the parents getting involved? It's not a kid's birthday party. Just let the bride and groom know you can't come.
AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 16/08/2021 12:04

Why are the parents getting involved? It's not a kid's birthday party. Just let the bride and groom know you can't come

I'm not a wedding expert but traditionally in England the invite is from the bride's parent. It would be odd to send a reply to anyone else

Obviously custom may differ in other countries, I guess you wouldn't know that if you aren't English

Sparklingbrook · 16/08/2021 12:06

Yes, i think you need to reply to whoever sent the invitation. Traditionally the bride's parents but can also come from the B&G.

StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 12:10

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

Why are the parents getting involved? It's not a kid's birthday party. Just let the bride and groom know you can't come

I'm not a wedding expert but traditionally in England the invite is from the bride's parent. It would be odd to send a reply to anyone else

Obviously custom may differ in other countries, I guess you wouldn't know that if you aren't English

I thought people did away with that years ago but yes fair enough if the brides parents have invited you then reply to them. Even less reason to go into detail as they really won't care. You could even ask if they could send you the gift registery info if you did want a gift but don't feel obliged.
StarDrawers · 16/08/2021 12:12

Obviously custom may differ in other countries, I guess you wouldn't know that if you aren't English I am English but have never been invited to a wedding by someone's parents. But then I send regret cards (sometimes with butterflies but no baboons), so it must depend on your social circle.

shouldistop · 16/08/2021 12:14

Rsvp saying sorry you can't make it then send a nice card and / or gift.

OVienna · 16/08/2021 12:18

@BabyGohil Are you really wondering if there is a way you can ask if the baby and your husband can come? Only you know if you know the person well enough to do this. Most people would say don't, and just decline in a simple way. "Sorry I can't make it."

Sparklingbrook · 16/08/2021 12:19

@StarDrawers

Obviously custom may differ in other countries, I guess you wouldn't know that if you aren't English I am English but have never been invited to a wedding by someone's parents. But then I send regret cards (sometimes with butterflies but no baboons), so it must depend on your social circle.
I would imagine a Regret card with baboons on would be the very height of naffness. Wink
PopsicleHustler · 16/08/2021 12:29

A bit rude they wouldn't invite the bairn and your husband.

PalmsandCharms · 16/08/2021 12:35

It doesn't warrant overthinking and risking getting yourself in a dodgy situation by making up a ridiculous excuse. A simple 'sorry, we are unable to to make it' is enough.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/08/2021 12:37

@StarDrawers

I'd prefer a card than the long formal regret thanking my parents and reminding me when my own wedding was. I'd think someone was taking the piss if they sent that.
I struggle to get as exercised as some of the posters here but what on earth is long about:

" regret they are unable to accept the kind invitation of for "

Its about as succinct as you can get short of saying "soz not coming"

GreenWillow · 16/08/2021 12:38

@sandgrown

If people are struggling with numbers but want their actual friends there why can’t they invite guests without a plus one . I recently went to a wedding where there was a whole table of the bride’s friends without partners. I think the suggestion of your DH and baby staying nearby is good but if you don’t want to go just politely decline and send a card and gift .
It’s just not the done thing, and you mark yourself out as gauche and ignorant for not understanding the unwritten rules of social etiquette.
PalmsandCharms · 16/08/2021 12:40

@Woolver23

Tick the box on fhe RSVP card/website or send a message "thanks for the invite, sorry I can't make it". Why does it need to be more complicated than that?

Because it sounds abrupt and rude if it's someone who knows and likes you enough to want you there on their special day. Please at least add a "I shall be thinking of you both and wishing you well but I hope you'll understand l that I won't be able to leave such a tiny baby for an entire day".

Why? If someone had responded to this way to my wedding invite I wouldn't have expected anything extra to be added. I was far to busy planning the wedding to worry about why people couldn't attend, or be offended in any way.
justabigdisco · 16/08/2021 12:40

Waiting for the inevitable “no is a complete sentence” (it’s not, btw. Can you imagine just writing “NO” on an RSVP. Some good suggestions by PPs though)