AIBU to insist we stay in London?

[londonlass33]

DH wants to leave London and I desperately don’t. We’ve visited numerous places in the south-east where we could viably live (due to commuting distance mainly) to house hunt and I’ve just not felt at home anywhere.

For me London has it all - culture, diversity, fabulous parks, restaurants, excellent public transport, nightlife, sports and myriad educational and job opportunities for the DC when they get older. Nowhere we’ve visited has come even close to my mind.

We also live in a lovely quiet street with a wonderful sense of community and are good friends with our fabulous neighbours. We have many friends in the area through the DC’s nursery too.

DH is adamant he wants to leave as whilst he acknowledges all of the above, he’s got his heart set on a change of scenery after the last 18 months. I’m very reluctant to give it a go for the aforementioned reasons and because it will be nigh on impossible to come back if we leave and regret it.

WWYD?

Move out. Youll find theres life, culture, diversity, schools, jobs in other places too

Move out. Youll find theres life, culture, diversity, schools, jobs in other places too

But she doesn’t want to. So why?

We moved from the southeast (my husband worked in London) to a village in the southwest. Thankfully, my parents liked moving house (6 schools), so, as a child, I was used to always being the newbie. Since marrying, we've lived in 6 different areas so again was usually the newbie. Moving into a village has definitely had its challenges but I know you can't wait for people to befriend you - you've got to be a bit determined, a bit brazen. So I helped on a local freebie magazine and invited people for coffee when no-one invited me. Now I have good friends here and am really happy. But I was fairly determined....However, I've always wondered how I'd get on living in London. One of my daughters lived in a flat in London for a number of years and didn't know any of her neighbours. When I suggested a flat warming party just to get to know her neighbours, she looked horrified. And where she lives now, it's the same. She hasn't even met her next door neighbours. Probably I'd try the coffee morning / house warming / voluntary work route and hope that Londoners would prove as friendly as most people are - if you are determined to like them!

The countryside is crap for teenagers. Dont do it.

Op we went on a magical mystery tour around the Home Counties during lockdown - Bucks, Herts, Essex.

But on Friday, we’re moving to a bigger house 10 minutes down the road in our current home in…east London. We couldn’t get on board with long commutes and half hourly trains when you’re out for drinks after work. If you’ll be expected to be in the office in London 3/4 days a week when the world opens up again, surely that’ll make a countryside move even more of a ball ache?!

You’ll spend your life being a taxi driver for your kids if you move out. My older ones are so independent in London and can always get an Uber if it’s a bit late etc. There’s less culture and diversity outside of the city.
I stayed with friends in York recently and I could see the appeal but we had seen it all three times during the week. I’ve lived in London my whole life apart from a couple of years work/travelling and I’m really keen to move very central when the DC move out!

No point in moving to the countryside if you're both keeping your London jobs. You'll add a long commute onto your working day and getting back in time for nursery pick-up at 6pm every day will be a nightmare. If you do move, a live-in nanny with a 7pm finish time would be much less stressful.

My H was born and raised in rural Lincolnshire.I was in London. He hates London. I love it. We needed a compromise. We found it 40 mins train out of London.it’s as town as he’ll go and it’s as country as I go. I’ll never be a taxi for the kids, we can see the station from our front door and there’s a train every 15 mins.

If both of you want different things you may need a compromise. Why is your no stronger than his yes?

I’d never leave London - when a man (or woman) is bored of London he (or she) is bored of life! My 4 DC have all been born here as was I and the breadth of opportunities and activities available to them is unrivalled elsewhere in the country. They love the city and have appreciated being here more and more as they have gotten older. A number of close friends have moved to the countryside over the years (moves mainly prompted by their DHs) and all of them have regretted moving.

@Blossomtoes

As teenagers they are so much happier and more more fulfilled

How do you know? You have absolutely no idea how happy and fulfilled they’d have been if you’d moved. I doubt it would have made any difference.

I think London is hard to beat for opportunities to experience different things as a teen. Public transport is fantastic. And there is so much free stuff happening too which means it's accessible to a wider group.

FWIW, our experience was that we settled on a large town in the commuter belt. We picked a house in a particular part of the town that’s 5 minutes’ walk to the shops, 15 minutes’ walk to the station and 10 minutes walk to an AONB. We can still get to London if we want to do theatre trips or museum trips or whatever.

It’s been a good compromise for us. We both still harbour a slight longing for the classic country lifestyle but I’m not convinced either of us would actually enjoy it. I hate driving for a start.

London is fabulous. If you’re happy, stay. My worst nightmare is Guildford😁!

A friend of mine moved to Paris and another moved to Amsterdam. Both commute to London 3 x a week outside of Covid. It’s actually cheaper and easier for them to take a train to London, even now, than it would be to get a season ticket from some other parts of the UK. So if your jobs pay really well then you could explore those options.

But honestly, having lived and worked in and outside London, I preferred Manchester for culture; and Edinburgh for worklife balance (but it was a bitch to buy a house there).

You still don’t know they’re happier and more fulfilled @itsalldope. If you lived in the country they’d experience different things they won’t be able to access in London.

Personally I love London and my commuting days were very happy. I walked out of my front door to see cows with their heads over the gate opposite and an hour later I was in central London. I love the buzz, the diversity, the shops and how interesting people look.

I also love walking my dog across fields, farmers’ markets, the natural beauty, peace and birdsong. It gets a bit tedious to keep hearing how incomparably wonderful London is from people who have nothing to compare it with.

Some of the assumptions on here are funny. As a Londoner I love London but ime most London teenagers aren't recreating made in chelsea visiting art galleries & museums on the weekend with a spot of brunch. A teenager living in Ealing or Wimbledon will spend most of their time in Ealing or Wimbledon & access the amenities on their doorstep. No different to other teenagers outside of London.

@countrytown

Some of the assumptions on here are funny. As a Londoner I love London but ime most London teenagers aren't recreating made in chelsea visiting art galleries & museums on the weekend with a spot of brunch. A teenager living in Ealing or Wimbledon will spend most of their time in Ealing or Wimbledon & access the amenities on their doorstep. No different to other teenagers outside of London.

I grew up in Chiswick/Kew/Ealing and I definitely spent my ‘youth’ clubbing in central London and getting night buses home. I also went to art galleries lots and studied history of art at uni after doing a hand at the London college of fashion.

However. My parents lived in London and very rarely went central apart from a few times a year to see an exhibition.

Surely there is a geographical compromise? Not everywhere north of Watford Gap is a cultural wasteland. There are some beautiful towns and cities with galleries, theatres, restaurants without the dirt and the smell. But if you are leaving close friends and family then for goodness sake stay!

I will say that after visiting London for a day my bogeys turn black from the pollution which grosses me out and that would put me off bringing up my children in a city.

@MrsJuliaGulia

London is fabulous. If you’re happy, stay. My worst nightmare is Guildford😁!

You should definitely check out Luton. (I'll leave it to the reader to decide which part of your statement that applies to )

@Charmtaste

You could rent out your house for a year and rent a new place outside London. See if you both like it.

Took the words right off of my fingertips. The two of you seem to want very different things. And they are, currently, mutually exclusive. So, renting is the answer. However, go into it as open-mindedly as you can, be determined to find the very best of where ever you settle for a year. Either of you might change your minds in that time...God help you if you BOTH (or neither do). Someone is going to be resentful, possibly very, possibly forever.

I live in London and have worked in a male dominated industry for years. Over that time I've seen many men move their young families out to the country whilst continuing to commute into London themselves.
I remember one man telling me he was prepared to make that sacrifice so that his family could live the dream. I've seen his career go stratospheric and I have several times wondered about his wife and kids tucked away at home.
I think for many men this is actually their dream- to sally forth each day whilst fondly imagining their children romping in the fields all rosy cheeked.
Many of those men I've noticed often stay overnight couple of nights a week in London to save on the commute. They get to go for dinner and drinks while presumably their partner is looking after the children.
I do think this could end up being a trap for you OP especially if your DH earns more than you and can pull that as a trump card.

@alexdgr8

don't do it. would you be quite relaxed about letting your children roam free about the countryside ? i wouldn't, and i;m the one who always thinks children are babied too much these days. your children would have to be taken everywhere, even for secondary school, unless you live next to it, which is v unlikely. often there is no safe walking in the country, narrow roads, people drive too fast, let alone the vulnerabilities of being alone, in the dark. so the children probably get less freedom actually. in london they can get around well on public transport, visit friends, places of interest, get involved in activities etc.

Totally agree with you. London is much safer for kids/ teenagers to travel around as they tend to be surrounded by people where ever they go. They can easily catch public transport and it’s safe. I see that now with my daughters and it allows for a lot of independence. Where as out in the country, you’re stuck. Constantly reliant on a lift from your parents or catching the very infrequent bus. Also walking along quiet country roads seems really dodgy to me

Maybe buying or renting a holiday home during the summers would be a compromise?

We've literally just been through this. And we moved - not to the countryside, but to a seaside town in the South East. It is hard (though we only moved two months ago) BUT the children are building dens in the scrubland behind our garden, they're doing a sailing course next week, I do actually prefer meeting friends on the beach to Paddington Rec (also the beach has coffee shops opposite on the promenade - phew). I don't see the countryside that we have in reach now as being superior to Hyde Park/ Holland Park/ Queens Park etc. - and we're no closer to parks/ giant cliff-top nature reserves (that look like Wormwood Scrubs, only with a view of the sea) than we were in London. I insisted on moving somewhere with a cinema, but neither one here ever seems to show anything I want to see - it's been Suicide Squad and 2 children's films since we've been here (I've been back into London to see The Courier and Stillwater.) What is great is that we're an easy commute from London - and I can walk to the station here and be at Charing Cross in an hour and a half - and I read on the train, so I don't feel it is time wasted. The increased size of our house is good (we were in a 2 bedroom flat that we'd grown out of, and couldn't afford anything significantly bigger in the same area of London.) There are minor irritations: no dry cleaners, I haven't found a decent gym that is close enough to our house - but I send the children to the library alone to exchange books, there's a really good local youth theatre for DS MUCH closer to our house than in London, sea cadets is a possible post-school activity, there's much more in the way of local choirs/ orchestras for the children to join/ we are exploring more of Sussex which I'm enjoying/ there are still lots of restaurants/ i mega miss Pret but I can buy a dressed crab from a hut on the beach for the same price as a Chef's Italian Chicken Salad/ I really miss my friends, so many of whom lived really locally to me in London but I'm going back once or twice a week (for work etc. - I'm freelance though so can run my own schedule) and so see them then - also they can come and stay. So, swings and roundabouts. It hasn't been a total disaster. It's not yet a triumph. But we're still adjusting - I'd lived in London for 20 years and LOVE it. I might buy a studio flat in time so that I have a mini bolt hole ..... oh, having left London, we're mortgage-free. Which is nice. And DH is blissfully happy.

Your DH is being ridiculous and I wouldn't entertain it at all.
It's based on some nostalgic fantasy of the good old days and not reality.

Things aren't the same as when he was a boy. The world has moved on and it's very different to live some place and remember it as a child with no cares than living there as an adult with real responsibilities.

@MrsKoala I'm sure you did but I don't think most teens do that every weekend these days do you? I used to go to lots of underage raves in the 90s but not weekly & clubbing isn't even that much of a thing anymore & certainly a lot harder to do underage. I'm also talking about teenagers i.e age 13-18. I certainly did a lot more in central London & just more in general from age 18 up.