Regret having children?

[PumpkinKlNG]

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

I honestly love it BUT I would push the button because my mental health is a mess and I am terrified I'll mess up another generation

You're still seen as very strange if you know from an early age you don't want children. I don't want my own for multiple reasons, and I have always known this, partly because I have some health issues I don't necessarily want to share with everyone in my life. They are somewhat genetic and do effect my life and energy levels. Most of my friends and colleagues have children and it looks totally exhausting, even from the outside. Partly because I'm ambitious in my academic career, I absolutely love my work (like most academics I'm quite obsessed with my subject) and I do not see women with children get to the levels I want to get. I'm not saying that's right, it isn't right at all. Men with children get there. But I've been in academia ten years now and I've met a grand total of one female professor with a child, and she doesn't have primary custody of him. I'm actually wracking my brain right now to try to think of another one and I can't. Men in academia openly admit this.

Assumptions I've had made about me

• I'll change my mind. Nope. I've felt the same way since I was 12.

• I don't like children. Nope. I like them a lot, there are several children in my life and I really enjoy spending time with them, though admittedly not so keen on very small babies.
• I physically can't have children. Nope. I mean, as far as I know. Never tried.
• I never met the right man. Nope. I've had two serious relationships that ended because he definitely wanted children and I definitely didn't.

Society has come a fair way in understanding that women are individual human beings, but not so far as to really take on board that some of us are entirely functional persons who just don't want our own children. There is still part of me that feels like I have to explain myself or prove I'm not defective in some way every time it comes up in conversation.

@the80sweregreat

People do not tell the truth about how hard it is. Simple as that.

Actually, I don't necessarily agree with this. I do not have children because I think it would be really hard and I don't think that's a secret at all. In my personal experience, the drudgery of child rearing is pretty well documented.

That said, I have been on Mumsnet for about 15 years (despite not having kids...) since my early 20s and so perhaps I have been more privy to this information.

My mum told me that she regretted having me. It’s not the ideal thing to say to your child, but quite frankly, my childhood was difficult so I could have guessed.

I don’t regret at all having my DC, although it has its ups and downs, but I do regret marrying my second husband (DS’s father) and wish the stork could have brought DS.

@ZoyaTheDestroyer
You can't regret a choice you never really had, and there is still a stigma for women (always women) who choose to remain child-free

I’ve never heard someone openly judge a woman for not having children,. In fact I believe the reality is that people judge both child free women and men - as having children is still ingrained in many peoples minds (wrongly of course) as equating to adult responsibility and “being a grown up” - in a not totally dissimilar way that getting a driving license is: Two environmentally poor choices, that it would be fantastic if fewer people partook of, and yet the minority who actually decide not to make them part of their lives constantly get judged!

To the extent that women are judged even more harshly than men for not having children, I think that more more severe and patronising type of judgement usually tends to comes from other women.

I'm glad I did it more often than I regret it, but I've definitely felt that way a little sometimes.

Name changed for this for obvious reasons. I’ve never said any of this before but here goes.

I have a son who is 8. I regret having him, just last night he was talking to me and I was looking at him, I was nodding and smiling and replying but in my head I was screaming. I love him and the thought of something happening to him… it makes my heart stop. I’m separated from his father and we share 50/50 custody, and I never miss him when he’s with his dad. I make loads of plans, go on holiday, weekends away, nights out etc. Or just relax on the settee. I have a partner who I love and I love having that time with him just as a 2.

I just can’t be bothered with parenting, I find it so boring. I hate the absolute boredom of doing the school run, sorting dinner out, disciplining etc. We do loads together on my weeks, we go away, trips to soft play, picnics in the park, days our, cuddles on the sofa etc. But i feel like I’m faking it. All the time. I don’t want him to pick up on this at all, I want him to have a happy life and he seems like he is enjoying life. I miss the days of being able to do whatever I want which I know is crazy at 50% of the time I can!! I miss the days of not having to worry, I lie awake at night and worry something bad will happen/he’ll grow up unhappy and it makes me feel ill. I feel like I’m going through the motions all the time and I cry a lot after he’s gone to bed, I love him so much but being a parent isn’t for me. I had DS quite young, I’d been through a bit of a traumatic time and I thought having a baby would
Solve it all. I’m just rambling now but I always think having kids is one of them things where you truly
Don’t know what it’ll be like until it happens and then it’s too late.

@the80sweregreat

People do not tell the truth about how hard it is. Simple as that.

People don't need to tell the truth though, others need to stop lying to themselves.

People believe it will all be lovely and fine, only a bit of lost sleep for a while, then you'll be onto picnics in the park, skipping around together, cycling through forests etc. They lie to themselves that it will be easy and they can cope.

But it's not easy, it's not rewarding and it's bloody hard. You have to look after a baby while recovering from giving birth, lack sleep most of the time while they are a baby if they are up all night screaming and that's without them getting colic. Then the toddler stage of them being brats, refusing to do anything all the time, screaming at you, cleaning up their mess. The child stage is a little better, only got to help on homework, tidy up after them, take them to activities, to play dates, sleepovers and help on fall outs between friends. And then teenager stage is all of that plus hormones.

They ruin your body, your mental health, often your physical health, you're constantly worried about them, constantly cleaning up after them while they annoy you and get in your way, they spend your money, destroy your house and stuff and bother you with their problems.

Women need to stop lying to themselves. It's not easy, and that's if you have a good partner and money. It's shit if you don't.

@Strokethefurrywall

I don’t, for one second, regret my kids, but I can absolutely see how the relentlessness of it all can be so wearing especially when they’re collectively between the ages of 18 months-5 years.

I struggled as a parent then, was a short-tempered, shouty, impatient parent and really felt like I did them a huge disservice. I’ve noticed that I’m a lot less shouty the past few years or so when the youngest reached 5.

They’re nearly 10 and 7 1/2 now and I love hanging out with them. The first 18 months with DS1 was magic - easy baby etc, and then DS2 arrived when DS1 was 2 1/2 and although he was also a super chill baby, DS1 was just starting with the tantrums and challenging behavior. It felt like it snowballed from there for a good few years.

I know full well I’d have struggled even more back in UK rather than where we are which is still very social, great weather and easy living - we still went out as a couple and had fun, parties, went away for kid free weekends etc, so it was easier and expected to “get a break”.

But I can absolutely see how many regret children, especially those who had a vision of how parenthood would be, which rarely reflects reality.

But regret them? Never. And I feel hugely for those that do because it shouldn’t be taboo. I can imagine that those that do regret their children often may be better parents in order to never show their kids those feelings (or at least some of them would do better).

How do you remove the taboo while still protecting children from the knowledge that their parents regret having them?

@SmokeyDevil you are right. Women need to stop lying to themselves.

I also say women because we also need to accept we are the primary care giver and that not many of us are firm enough or able to (shit fathers) reject this role and demand things to be more equal.

So women suffers most of the time.

If you don't think you would enjoy parenthood, don't do it - please!

I absolutely won’t! But whenever someone starts a thread saying they’re considering not having kids & wanting to hear about childfree people’s lives, it’s always the same - parents will rush on to tell us how great it is to have kids, how ‘you only regret the ones you don’t have’, ‘they’re dependent on you for such a short time’, how meaningless our lives must be and all the love & joy we’re missing out on. Sometimes they even suggest ‘just having one’ as a compromise.

None of them seem convinced enough to say that if a non-parent on the thread does take their word for it & regrets it, they’ll adopt the regretted children, though.

It is difficult, as I think women do in many (most?) cases, end up as the primary caregiver. It isn't fair / equal etc and even with a really supportive partner, women can be up against it with society in general which expects women to act at work as if she has no childcare responsibilities. Heaven forbid a woman leave early for childcare! But at the same time she has to be super mum, always available for playdates and being fun and present with kids.

I respect people who have the self awareness to know it isn't for them, whatever the reason. And I also think there is still a very unfair stigma attached to women who don't have children. But also agree that women are also judged no matter what they do. Have children, don't have children, work full time, work part time, be a SAHM. "A woman's place is in the wrong"!

I also think support for mums is not what it was when I was growing up. If you don't have a strong support network, it can be really hard, especially at the beginning, before kids make their own friends.

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn

If you don't think you would enjoy parenthood, don't do it - please!

I absolutely won’t! But whenever someone starts a thread saying they’re considering not having kids & wanting to hear about childfree people’s lives, it’s always the same - parents will rush on to tell us how great it is to have kids, how ‘you only regret the ones you don’t have’, ‘they’re dependent on you for such a short time’, how meaningless our lives must be and all the love & joy we’re missing out on. Sometimes they even suggest ‘just having one’ as a compromise.

None of them seem convinced enough to say that if a non-parent on the thread does take their word for it & regrets it, they’ll adopt the regretted children, though.

People can be very thick headed. Because their experience was that they loved parenting, they think everyone should do it! Mad.

Despite the challenges, I love it, but I admire people who choose not to if that's what's right for them. Not sure why people have to project on to others so much...unless it's to validate their own choices which means they aren't very secure in those choices.

Surely once you've had one child, you would know that raising a child is not for you. Why then are people writing about regretting "children" in plural tense? I'm not judging anyone but trying to understand why anyone would have multiple children if they find raising a child difficult?

I absolutely don't regret having my child and raising her and putting up with everything that comes with raising a child. Like all parents here, I love her with all my heart and more.
However I also know that physically and mentally I couldn't cope with more than one especially as I don't have family around to support me and I am and need to be in full time employment. While with rose tinted glasses, I would have loved millions of children around me I know that I couldn't have given the time, energy and resources that each child deserves. So I have the one who will get all of that and I get to keep my health and sanity and not regret her which I definitely would have if I had decided to have more.

My kids are a huge part of my world

What a weird comment! Doesn't this go without saying? Do you not spend much time with your dc or do you have a very busy life away and separate to them? I cannot work out why you would say this? Of course they are a huge part of your world

Unfortunately a combination of being a sahm, lockdown, school closures, isolations, not much family support and now the school summer holidays, mean that my DC aren't a huge part of my world. They are my world. I am no longer a person...I exist purely to facilitate their lives and perform a series of household tasks. They are 10/13...I may as well have pre schoolers as I'm still up to my neck in child rearing

I think there is still another, lingering, unfair stigma, which is stopping at one DC! The 'only child' tropes. So ridiculous.

People should really respect other people's choices without projecting, but it's the way a lot of people are.

To add, I feel the same about some of the gleeful childfree people who post saying how much better their choice is...it goes both ways. How about people make their own choices and leave other people to make theirs? A pipe dream, I know!

I do think pressure on women to do everything and do it perfectly. Also, re my earlier point about women at work, it still happens sometimes that employers still assume women of childbearing age aren't worth promoting or recruiting, in case they go off on maternity leave. So even as a childless / childfree woman, you end up being discriminated against because you might do that dastardly thing women do and conceive a baby. Women can't win sometimes. Have babies, you're judged. Don't have babies, you're judged.

I’ve known people say they wouldn’t recommend having 3 or 4 children. I’m not sure that’s exactly the same as saying they regret their last child. However, I’ve known several families with lots of children and although they love their last one and they are a key part of the family, they readily acknowledge that their lives would have been much simpler and easier with one less. It’s often when a last one has been a surprise and there has been quite a gap to the next one.

One family I know had 3. They found it pretty hard, but the 3rd was now at school and things were a bit easier…and then no4 came along and as well as the struggles of 4 kids in logistical terms, there was now the return to the baby phase and later on, some difficulties in finding stuff to please the wide age range. They had felt complete with 3 and could just about manage. 4 became a household of chaos, and I think they felt that everyone in the family lost out.

It’s a different thing to regret a last child, compared to regretting children at all. It’s how I imagine many Victorian families must have felt….they really wanted kids, but when they found they were having a 6th, 7th, 8th….their hearts fell because they knew the financial and space and general struggles the extra child would mean for them and also the whole family.

I know lots of people have a termination/abortion when they already have several kids and are a bit older and really don’t want another. Lots of people don’t too, but pretty much come to terms with it and struggle on. Often that last child, in the end is a great source of joy. Again, it’s hard to know how you’ll feel about things long term, but for most I think, an over-riding sense of love and them being part of you and your life and your family over-rides what can be bloody terrible phases where you think you really cannot manage and having them was a huge mistake.

Surely once you've had one child, you would know that raising a child is not for you. Why then are people writing about regretting "children" in plural tense? I'm not judging anyone but trying to understand why anyone would have multiple children if they find raising a child difficult?

Because we are conditioned to believe that unless we ‘give’ our child a sibling, they will grow up to be a lonely, spoiled, asocial weirdo. These tropes are everywhere, including on MN, sadly.

Having my DD was the best thing I ever did, but I am fairly sure I would regret having more.

Surely once you've had one child, you would know that raising a child is not for you. Why then are people writing about regretting "children" in plural tense? I'm not judging anyone but trying to understand why anyone would have multiple children if they find raising a child difficult?

In previous regretting children threads it was actually shocking how many users talked about children in plural. I think the societal expectation of giving children siblings is too strong. Some might also think that two children close in age entertain each other which takes some of that burden away from the parent. However there's no guarantee for that, and siblings of any age can end up fighting and screaming which needs more attention from the parents. And as PP said, having kids doesn't end at the baby-toddler stage. It's endless drudgery until they are well in their teens.

You are exactly the same as me! I realised with absolute clarity after my very beloved DD that my mental health would not cope with a second. That made it a bit easier as I wasn't the tiniest bit on the fence and I do not feel the slightest bit broody. I gifted away all her baby stuff like pram, steriliser, bottle warmer, carrier and it felt incredibly cathartic. There wasn't a second where I thought I might need it for a second baby, it was just a massive sense of relief knowing I never have to go through the baby/toddler stage again!

Deep down I also know that I can be a reasonably good, maybe very good parent to one child. I love her so much and want to make sure our relationship stays close into adulthood. I do not know whether I can be the same parent with two children, and the result might be fucking up the relationship with both kids. That terrifies me....the thought that all this sacrifice was for nothing and both kids will someday resent me and disappear. MN is proof that this happens a lot with people describing absent, neglectful or parents with MH issues.

Well I've found children get more difficult as they get older...teenagers are horrendous. I have two. I wouldn't have more. But anyway, one, two, makes no difference, I still have no freedom. If you have one DC you still can't go for dinner without getting a babysitter, you still can't work without childcare. Another one doesn't change that

If I am honest, I find some parenting days tough but I dont at all regret it and would have more children if I could. I do completely get that others think differently and should have an outlet for that. It shouldn't be taboo provided children arent told. I do think people who feel that way would benefit from counselling as it's probably a type of grief for previous life as well as stress and anxiety - plus kids pick up on how you're feeling so do it for them.

The only thing I'm not sure about is the not knowing what you're getting yourself into. Surely people will have an idea of that as a matter of logic i.e life not your own, lack of sleep, financial strain etc. Even the behaviour, as a matter of logic you dont know the personality or genetic make up of child you'll get or how external factors will influence them over anything you can do. I've seen programmes like Super Nanny. I dont understand (genuinely) how though you dont get the chance to actually live the life before you're in it, people don't logically know what they're getting into? I do think if more people researched and thought about it maybe they would not do it.

@User5490453456

Surely once you've had one child, you would know that raising a child is not for you. Why then are people writing about regretting "children" in plural tense? I'm not judging anyone but trying to understand why anyone would have multiple children if they find raising a child difficult?

In previous regretting children threads it was actually shocking how many users talked about children in plural. I think the societal expectation of giving children siblings is too strong. Some might also think that two children close in age entertain each other which takes some of that burden away from the parent. However there's no guarantee for that, and siblings of any age can end up fighting and screaming which needs more attention from the parents. And as PP said, having kids doesn't end at the baby-toddler stage. It's endless drudgery until they are well in their teens.

You are exactly the same as me! I realised with absolute clarity after my very beloved DD that my mental health would not cope with a second. That made it a bit easier as I wasn't the tiniest bit on the fence and I do not feel the slightest bit broody. I gifted away all her baby stuff like pram, steriliser, bottle warmer, carrier and it felt incredibly cathartic. There wasn't a second where I thought I might need it for a second baby, it was just a massive sense of relief knowing I never have to go through the baby/toddler stage again!

Deep down I also know that I can be a reasonably good, maybe very good parent to one child. I love her so much and want to make sure our relationship stays close into adulthood. I do not know whether I can be the same parent with two children, and the result might be fucking up the relationship with both kids. That terrifies me....the thought that all this sacrifice was for nothing and both kids will someday resent me and disappear. MN is proof that this happens a lot with people describing absent, neglectful or parents with MH issues.

If I might say, this is very refreshing and exactly how I feel about having more than one - you should make that decision not from societal pressure but an assessment of how you would cope.

Totally get twins, forced pregnancies etc all happen resulting in being in a position where you have multiple but otherwise surely people can decide after one. I get that you wont have a teenager until later and may be ok with younger ages so have more by which point it is too late. However theres so much info out there about having teenagers so it isnt hard to look at worse case scenario and think how would I and can I cope with that x however many

Lots of people regret having children at specific points in time. It could be for a period of several months when they are tiny. It could be for a week when they are teens….or for several months or even years.

However, I think a key question is whether people regret having them most of the time (and I’d say that can only be judged once they reach a certain age) or looking back once they are adults.

Having temporary regret, which I think most of the ‘regretting having children’ thing is, is very different to a permanent regret.

And again, I think there’s a difference between msssively struggling and hating being a parent in a phase of their lives (which of course is extremely hard and feels never ending at the time) and gaining some perspective later about how phases of parenting are generally that and do pass. That feeling of regret might not pass for everyone, but I think it does for most. Many parents report on both the good and bad phases and say how quickly they forget the issues of the previous phases, because things just keep moving. But it never feels like that will be the case when you’re in it.

So, as something to hold onto for those hating it, with perhaps tiny babies, or even with teenagers or adult children, all these phases will pass. Good could still be to come and overall good might outweigh bad.

I dont understand (genuinely) how though you dont get the chance to actually live the life before you're in it, people don't logically know what they're getting into? I do think if more people researched and thought about it maybe they would not do it.

I think that as a society we are extremely sentimental about parenthood and motherhood in particular. Babies are referred to as bundles of joy. People may have some idea what’s to come but the Hallmark version of new parenthood gets in the way.

I think some people know after having 1 child that it’s not for them.
For other people, because it is common to have a 2nd within 3 or 4 years, it can often be the case that a 2nd is had, before a longer term perspective of parenting has been possible. Lots will still be in the very difficult small baby/child phase, which lots find the hardest. It is almost impossible to know what it will be like, having a teenager for example, at that point, and if your feelings about that might make it wise or unwise to have more.

Someone upthread mentioned adoption. I know it is very different and also has some similarities. I have known several people who have adopted in diffferent circumstances and I think the feelings of regret are very common here….and often longer lasting than with birth children. (Not always of course). People are told adoption will be hard, but it’s much harder to appreciate as an adopter (especially if you’ve desperately wanted children and not been able to) just how very very difficult adopted children can be, and how complex the issues. The older the child, the more I think adopted parents can have a sense of regret when things are very difficult. There isn’t the sense of everything in the child’s life is part of them and they’re all responsible in it together, because many of the issues were there before they were an adopted family. And adoptive families always know too, that they had a choice for this particular child and said ‘yes’ not just to having a baby or child, but to this particular one. This can make it feel like it was even more of a choice and they are therefore responsible for it…or could have avoided it, by not making the choice. I think it’s even harder when people adopt and already have a birth child. An adopted child often has far far more impact on the who,e family than anyone could have imagined, no matter how many times they were told in advance. And when other children are involved and impacted, the sense of regret can be even greater. It’s often a key reason too why adoptions break down. Slightly off topic, but relevant I think, in taking about regret.