Regret having children?

[PumpkinKlNG]

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

I'm just too selfish to devote my time to another selfish small person, or miserable teen.
I don't even get the feeling that they're my world, or the best thing I've ever done.
So yes, I have regrets.
I should have remembered that I'm basically all about me.

I went through a really bad patch with my DS, he's my 2nd born. During this period I really did feel regret that we had had him. I never felt this with my DD, so I really felt awful having these feelings. I loved him but the regret felt very real!

Now months later, I don't feel the same at all, no regrets at all, and all feels more balanced again, I think we just went through a really difficult period.

I have to say it scared me to feel that way, and other than my DH, I never would have said it to anyone else.

I don't really find it too hard to believe that some people feel this way though, maybe the lifestyle change is just too much or in some cases some children just are so challenging, it's very easy to think how life would be without them for some.

I DO regret my two, I do also love them unconditionally. But I would press the button! Like many others have already said on here I don't have the patience. Everything was getting easier with a 10yo and along comes another and I honestly want to die most days. I can't stand it.😔 Just tday i put her in her crib, went to the toilet and sat there and cried. It's hard ngl. I haven't had any adult years child free and I envy those who do! There I said it 😤 i just wanna go back to work already

@User5490453456

I don't regret having the first child but know I will absolutely 100% regret having a second. Being a mum was something I really wanted and I feel immensely grateful to have experienced pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc. However I wasn't prepared for the relentless everyday problems (sleeping, napping, travelling) and lack of spontaneity and freedom.

Having 1 means you can still reasonably give them to grandparents for a night or two. The horrifying realisation that having 2 or more means you will not have a single night off for 10+ years is suffocating. I know some women don't mind at all and thrive on the challenge of having many children to take care of. Sadly I'm not one of those and I need time alone to recharge.

When I hear friends announce their second and third pregnancies I get a visceral shiver down my spine followed by a wave of relief it's not me. If I had more kids I would almost definitely end up pumped full of anti-depressants and benzos just to function. With one child, I managed to scrape the corner with "just" one bout of PND and things are getting better by the day as she gains more independence (and I have more freedom).

I agree with PPs that circumstances make a big difference. DH is absent a lot due to his job but in exchange we do not have financial worries. Both of us agree that we much miss adult holidays (boutique hotels, long dinners, city breaks) over the controlled chaos of family resorts or self-catering.

You can still have nights off and adult holidays no matter how many kids you have, just not with your partner/co parent.... As long as they are around and able/willing to parent alone for a stretch, which I know isn't the case for everyone

I enjoyed the DC when they were young despite it being bloody hard - especially doing it in my own. The tender sweet cuddles and their live made it worth it.

But the events of the last year with them in their late teens/early 20s has hurt me beyond belief (I've often wished myself dead). I now feel like I only have one child. I can't believe where all the love went.

Re people not knowing, or not listening to info about being a parent being really hard, I think it’s one of those things that it’s impossible to really know until you’re there yourself.

Yes, people can see parents struggling and annoying children or other aspects which are clearly really hard. I’m not sure most people massively romanticise it. Lots fear it will be hard and they won’t cope. But the instinct to have children is very strong in most people. I guess it needs to be for survival.
And the fact that there are phases when it’s so hard you wish you hadn’t ever done it, or that life will never be good again, are also usually outweighed by good things overall.

That’s the thing isn’t it. It’s a roller coaster for most, and for most it isn’t bad, bad, bad, bad for 20 years of bringing up a child and then their adult life too. I get that it’s theoretically possible and might be the case for a tiny tiny number, but for most, there are some very bad and very hard stages, but in the whole context, being a parent has been positive. That doesn’t negate the hideous phases.

Often when people wish they hadn’t done it, they lack the longer term perspective. And I get that when you’re in a hideous phase (early on for most people) it’s impossible to see the bigger picture and to know it will probably get better, in the same way you can’t know how hard it is from someone saying it….you have to experience it yourself. Having hope is really important and believing people who tell you that everything is a phase in child rearing, even when it doesn’t feel true at that point and you’re sinking.

I couldn’t have children due to fertility issues. I was ttc in the nineties when generally people didn’t talk about how hard being a parent was. The internet was still in its infancy so there were no anonymous forums. I never imagined that people might not enjoy being parents, I thought it must be a state of constant bliss. I know better now.

I don’t regret DD and love her unconditionally. However, if I had my time again and knew what I know now I may have made different choices, one of which may be the decision not to become a parent. There’s a lot of joy in it but it utterly consumes your whole life in a way I (probably naively) didn’t realise beforehand.

It's not forever. They're young and dependent for so few years.

jhsjahk adopting a child can give you loads more issues as a parent - we are struggling hugely with DD12 who we adopted as a baby. We love her so much but parenting her is very very tough & we feel that we’re failing her at every turn.

Sorry just re - read your post.

I adore my children more than anything or anyone on this planet and could not imagine regretting having them. They truly give me purpose and I love them deeply. I am so thankful and grateful I had them and was able to have them.

However, my mum regretted having me and my siblings. She told me often (and still did til very recently - probably still would if I asked) that she wishes she'd never had kids, that if she knew what she was getting into she would never have had one, let alone three. This has left me with a deep sense of being a burden, being worthless and basically feeling guilty for my own existence. I apologise to everyone all the time for anything I do or say, and I'm sure the route of this is a sense of feeling sorry for being alive.

My mum is entitled to regret having me. But she should not have told me (especially over and over, and usually when shouting at me for something). You are also entitled to feel whatever you feel about your children and regret having them. But please never, ever, ever tell them

I have a couple of friends who had a 3rd child a s regret it. Not the kids per se but just the fact they went for 3 or had a surprise pregnancy and ended up with 3.
They’re open about it, not with the kids obvs.

I don't agree that they're dependent for a short time.
It's relentless.
You don't stop helping them when they get to 16 and that's it.

I don't, she is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me and I don't know what I'd do without her but it took me about 5 years to feel that way. I hated, despised being a parent before then.

I don't regret DD at all. She was completely unplanned but came exactly when I needed her. She is the answer to all the questions and missing parts I was trying to fill with booze and loser men. She has transformed my life in the most wonderful way. I would walk to the end of the earth for her.
BUT- I have endless support from family, I work full time so like others have said it'd quality time over quanity. We have a lovely lifestyle just the two of us, and I can go away to see friends.
To be honest my life was just a bit sad before she dropped into it . I also know her father thinks of her as an unfortunate regret that should be swept under the mat and that fills me with such rage that it fuels me on to give her everything. I think if you met him he would tell you quite happily what a regret she is. To me she is the sun though.

I don't regret my DC, they are fun and clever, they are sweet and loving. They are also challenging and frustrating, they make me angry and sometimes even cry.

I never had any children, I think it was because I Neve felt an 'urge', and since my DP of 28 yrs didnt either, we just played it by ear. Ive never been for or against, really, but happy with my life.

Of all those I know who have had children, none of them regret it, not that I can tell anyway. One of my best friends has devoted her life to her kids in such a total and complete way that it is quite beautiful. It fits her like a glove, and her DH.

I only know of one person, my aunt, who has always maintained she would never marry or have a child if she could go back in time. She has a decent relationship with her son but he always felt unwanted as a kid and tagged along with my family more than his own.

@the80sweregreat

People do not tell the truth about how hard it is. Simple as that.

This. They actually lie and make our everything is fine to make themselves look better and you feel like shit.

I visited a family member for a week this summer. Daughter had a baby and her mother was doing the night feeds and most of the day care. Daughter was telling me how easy she found having a newborn 🤣 bet she said this to her mummy friends who didn't have a clue how little she was doing herself.

This thread really scares me! I am desperate to be a mum but I also own my own business and adore my career... still want nothing more than to be a mum, so it's scary to read that so many people who thought like me now regret it.

I have been through some really really tough times with my kids and as hard as they are at times and how I miss certain parts of my life, they have kept me going and kept me sane.
As much as sometimes after hearing mommy for the millionth time in an hour I would like to shut myself in a cupboard, a silly joke or a cuddle and i forget how much of a pain in the ass they can be.
People really need to see that it’s not all unicorns and rainbows when you have a baby, they grow up, they have a voice and a personality which you may or may not like, they are still yours, they deserve to be loved and although you might not feel like it you are their everything.
I think people who say they regret their children don’t actually mean they regret having them, just wish that they could have some aspects of their own lives back

I don’t, for one second, regret my kids, but I can absolutely see how the relentlessness of it all can be so wearing especially when they’re collectively between the ages of 18 months-5 years.

I struggled as a parent then, was a short-tempered, shouty, impatient parent and really felt like I did them a huge disservice. I’ve noticed that I’m a lot less shouty the past few years or so when the youngest reached 5.

They’re nearly 10 and 7 1/2 now and I love hanging out with them. The first 18 months with DS1 was magic - easy baby etc, and then DS2 arrived when DS1 was 2 1/2 and although he was also a super chill baby, DS1 was just starting with the tantrums and challenging behavior. It felt like it snowballed from there for a good few years.

I know full well I’d have struggled even more back in UK rather than where we are which is still very social, great weather and easy living - we still went out as a couple and had fun, parties, went away for kid free weekends etc, so it was easier and expected to “get a break”.

But I can absolutely see how many regret children, especially those who had a vision of how parenthood would be, which rarely reflects reality.

But regret them? Never. And I feel hugely for those that do because it shouldn’t be taboo. I can imagine that those that do regret their children often may be better parents in order to never show their kids those feelings (or at least some of them would do better).

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I sometimes wonder if its age related. We have kids much older than people used to. We have time to enjoy adulthood, accrue income to spend solely on ourselves, develop our careers and invest in our hobbies, we have a lot that we "give up" if we first become a parent at 35 for example. Whereas maybe 60 or 70 years ago the gap between adolescence and parenthood was minimal, I can imagine parenting being associated with freedom from your own parents, with independence and adulthood etc. If you've never experienced 15 years of child free adulthood, you perhaps wouldnt miss it?

I think this is so true, I had my 1st when I was 19 and coped so well, my brother on the other hand althou they have done everything right i. E got married travellerd brought thier own house etc etc they struggled and still do with thier 1st at age 36, they miss freedom so much where i on the other hand never had it 2 miss.

I cannot fathom why anyone would have more than one, as then you know the score. The only way I would even contemplate more than one is if I could afford a full time nanny. It is the drudgery and lack of freedom I struggle with.

It annoys me that as soon as you pop one out, people start asking when you are going to have another! I can count on one hand people I have met who are close with their siblings and quite a few hate each other.

Agree with a PP who said that now the family is centred round the child rather than in the past when the child had to fit in with the family. We used to play outside for hours and would not be allowed to stay in on a sunny day, now parents have to be doing constant activities with their DC and running them round to various events. I wonder if I would have enyoyed being a parent more in the 70s/ 80s.

My mother used to tell me when I was little, don't ever have children, it will ruin your career. I felt - not only because of this - I was there under sufferance, and developed some terrible coping skills to survive and attempt to please...

I would think, all you would have to do it spend a bit of time with a friend with a baby and/or toddlers to know how messy and demanding and gruelling and loud it can be; how you can't finish a sentence or have a conversation, or do what you want; all the paraphernalia just to get out of the house, etc.

So I find it odd people are saying, why did nobody tell me??? But, yeah, don't tell your kids that they were a mistake!