Regret having children?

[PumpkinKlNG]

Is it ever ok to admit you regret having children? (Not to them of course) people say you never regret having a child but aibu to think that isn’t true?

OP and @jhsjahk what is it about it that you hate? Are there any specific problems that you think could be helped by, for example, getting in more childcare?

I don't regret having my kids at all. They are the best thing I've ever done. Period.

However, anyone who says there aren't testing moments where you crave your life back is a liar! It's tough and exhausting sometimes. It's totally normal to occasionally wonder what la child free life would be like and it's advantages. I can totally imagine a very happy life without my kids.

I got really annoyed recently at something on women's hour where they were talking about maternal ambivalence'. Some journalist is trying to promote this as a 'thing' where expressing any thoughts that imply life might have been easier without kids is ambivalent parenting. It's just normal!

I think the biggest falsehood I've encountered as a parent is the idea that you will automatically 'love' your kids the minute they are born. Some women do. Others (myself included) take longer to bond. My first was such a shock to the system I can honestly say I was quite terrified of my son for the first six weeks. It wasn't pnd. It was the trauma of being a new parent and it passed as I then fell hook line and sinker in love with the wee chap. It was faster with my daughter as I knew what to expect.

I think people are honest about the hard parts of parenting. I was really anti having dcs until it reached the point of now or never due to my age, and that was entirely down to the almost constant complaints about parenting that I was bombarded with from all sides. How pregnancy ruins your body, birth is horrendous, bf is excruciatingly painful. PND. Sleepless nights, no money, no social life, constant whining and crying, nappies, vomit, more nappies, toddler tantrums, terrible twos, threenagers, meltdowns, useless feckless DHs who do fk all, how it never gets better, how if you thought the toddler years were bad just wait for the teenage years! Those are sooooo much worse etc. Right up until the point at which they leave home. Then the moaning about costs, uni fees, relationships woes, drugs, mental health all start.

I came to the conclusion no logical rational person would ever have dcs

I'm glad I did. I don't have any regrets, and I feel my life has improved not imploded. Perhaps because of my very low expectations?!

When mine were little I regretted having them. I lost who I am completely, even though my husband was great. Our youngest was particularly difficult and aged me by 10 years almost overnight.

They're adults now, and we're grandparents, and they bring so much joy to our lives I can't really remember why I was so frustrated. We have an amazing, loving relationship and see them all the time even though none of them live locally. Years ago I would have said if I could turn the clock back I wouldn't have kids, but now.... I feel blessed to have them.

I must admit my daughter was an easy baby and slept through the night every night almost from 6 weeks old and hardly cried, they say the first baby is the easiest to trick you into having a 2nd, maybe someone with more than one child can confirm or deny this for me?

I don't regret having the first child but know I will absolutely 100% regret having a second. Being a mum was something I really wanted and I feel immensely grateful to have experienced pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc. However I wasn't prepared for the relentless everyday problems (sleeping, napping, travelling) and lack of spontaneity and freedom.

Having 1 means you can still reasonably give them to grandparents for a night or two. The horrifying realisation that having 2 or more means you will not have a single night off for 10+ years is suffocating. I know some women don't mind at all and thrive on the challenge of having many children to take care of. Sadly I'm not one of those and I need time alone to recharge.

When I hear friends announce their second and third pregnancies I get a visceral shiver down my spine followed by a wave of relief it's not me. If I had more kids I would almost definitely end up pumped full of anti-depressants and benzos just to function. With one child, I managed to scrape the corner with "just" one bout of PND and things are getting better by the day as she gains more independence (and I have more freedom).

I agree with PPs that circumstances make a big difference. DH is absent a lot due to his job but in exchange we do not have financial worries. Both of us agree that we much miss adult holidays (boutique hotels, long dinners, city breaks) over the controlled chaos of family resorts or self-catering.

@HateJudgmentalPeople

I must admit my daughter was an easy baby and slept through the night every night almost from 6 weeks old and hardly cried, they say the first baby is the easiest to trick you into having a 2nd, maybe someone with more than one child can confirm or deny this for me?

Haha no, it was the other way round for us (thank fuck). We left it quite late to have dc1 anyway, as, like a pp, I'd been put off by all the negative press! Then she arrived and just did. not. sleep. So we said never again till we had a surprise dc2 three years later. He was the easiest baby. If we'd had him first, he'd definitely have tricked us into having another one immediately!

Of course some people regret it.. it’s a major life choice, limits your other choices, and it doesn’t work out for everyone.

A special prize to the poster who suggests that one can simply take oneself off the birth certificate and relinquish all responsibility... And who then follows this pearl up with 'but I'm not sure'.

My God.

I find that people are honest about how hard being a parent is, but many people either don't want to hear it, or they hear it but feel things will generally be different for them.

Parenting is, on balance, a positive experience for me. I grew up surrounded by single mothers (my mums age... and then girls my own age) who were telling me, over and over, how difficult things were for them. Made my expectations realistic perhaps. Definitely influenced my choice of husband! It's hard, but I love being a mum. More so as they grow older and become more independent.

I feel like society doesn't do enough for parents with children who have disabilities.

Ah this cracked me up, happened to me with my first easiest baby going, everyone used to say it, thought wow how lucky am I compared to what I’ve seen in other kids……..2 more children after, the first one is the worst!! Lol

It’s worth holding onto the fact that feelings about being a parent change over time.

You might well have a period where you genuinely wish you hadn’t had them. But parenting is all about changing phases and what can feel like a lifetime phase, actually changes pretty rapidly, especially in the early stages when it’s often hardest. I don’t know if many people with adult children still say they wished they had never become parents.

I think it’s okay to say you find it incredibly hard. That’s honest. It’s okay to say you miss lots of aspects of your previous life. And if you genuinely feel you wish you hadn’t had them, I think it’s okay to say it to perhaps 1 or 2 people but you have to limit the number of people you say it to, even if you feel it deeply. Children can over hear of find out how you feel (if a bit older) and it’s devastating to know. And given the children are there to stay, saying it to lots of people or talking about it openly isn’t helpful, although being able to be honest and say it to one or perhaps 2 people is probably helpful.

With a newborn, I had a deep sense of regret. I hated it and felt deeply foolish at having chosen to throw away my lovely life for what felt like 24/7 drudgery and misery, which felt like it would never end. By about 9 months and with some anti depressants, I no longer regretted it, although I couldn’t say I enjoyed being a parent until the children reached about 3. Now they are older teens, I can honestly say they have brought such joy to my life. I couldn’t possibly have imagined it in those early days. It really is phases and there have been other hard times and phases (and all families have them I think) but looking back and the fact that’s all phases have to happen the growing up of child, I wouldn’t have missed out on being a parent and it will probably be the richest thing if my life. So I’d say to hold onto hope that things can get better.

Of course it’s ok to think it but one will experience disapproval for saying it

Part of my decision to not have kids was the fact that you have no control over what comes out, and I know I'm not a good enough person to cope with a severely disabled child. I always figured if I really wanted children, I'd want them no matter what.

I have the utmost of respect for other women who make sacrifices to care for their children full-time. I know I'm limited and I just don't have that amount of compassion or maternal instinct in me.

@the80sweregreat

People do not tell the truth about how hard it is. Simple as that.

Absolutely this. When I had #2 and 3 my Aunt who was in her late 70's said to me "If anyone ever tells you that it is the best time in their life and they are glorious happy having kids...they are a damn liar." I have found that to be true.

Can’t use childcare, I don’t work because of my daughters sen she requires 1:1 care and can’t attend holiday clubs or childminders like other children. She has full 1:1 in school.

All of the horror stories about ghastly destructive parents on the stately homes threads and others would seem to indicate that very many people become parents who never should have had children in the first place. I keep reading MN threads about women who have gone no contact with their mothers because of the cruelty they continue to experience in adulthood. If you don't think you would enjoy parenthood, don't do it - please!

Well, I cannot say that I regret my sons now, but had I never had them, I would not have missed "motherhood" in the least.

My colleague is a mum of four boys; eldest 24, youngest 9. She says most days that if she could start again she wouldn't have kids.

I don't have any and I've never wanted any. Even as I hurtle towards "too late anyway" territory I have no regrets whatsoever. However my best childhood friend who never wanted children has an 18 month old now and I can't believe what a natural she is and how much she loves being a mum. Completely unexpected.

I don't think you can ever tell for sure how you'll feel.

sayanythingelse

“Outwardly, I grew up with everything I could have ever wanted. Nice house, holidays, toys etc but my mum told me multiple times that she wishes she'd never had children (especially me). I would have rather had nothing but have the knowledge that my mum loved me.”

My childhood was not dissimilar. My mother never actually admitted she wished she’d never had us but she didn’t have to, her emotional neglect and general not being bothered about us at all said it all.

Now I have my own kids, we don’t have fancy holidays or other luxuries and I’ve massively sacrificed my career for the sakes of my kids. Probably because of my own childhood. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with perusing a career while being a mum but the ramifications of my mother’s treatment of me on my own life are huge.

I've known two people who said they regretted their children.

One has two children with disabilities. Her concern is what will happen when she is no longer around as one is and will likey remain non verbal. Her life is hard. Her marriage has fallen apart although by her own admission her husband is a good guy and a wonderful father, she just doesn't love him anymore. She won't split as worries the children will find the change hard and their needs would be off-putting to a new partner. Her parents help loads but they are aging and find the violence from one child difficult to manage now.

The other had one of the most romanticised notions of parenthood I've ever seen. She was used to have tight plans that were well executed in her work and personal life. Forgot that child hadn't signed up to the same plan. She held herself up to such an unattainable standard and was so hard on herself all the time. She could move from what she thought parenthood should be versus what it was. This went as far as the hobbies her child was interested in. As far as she was concerned, the child shouldn't have been interested in x as y is more appropriate.

I've mainly enjoyed being a parent. Found it pretty straightforward until they hit teens and I needed to let go a bit and not control everything around them.

The main difference I've seen between me and some of my friends is that I had children young - late teens/early 20s. All the adults in my life went out of their way to tell me how awful motherhood would be. It wasn't.

I wonder if my lower expectations protected me somewhat.

I think we have very different life experiences and expectations now. I'm over 50 and my Mum and her peers had low paid jobs, lived with their parents, met a bloke, got married (mortgage/rent), got pregnant (contraception wasn't really a thing) and just got on with it for better or worse!
We now have ALL the choices but still get sucked into the partner and children normal even if thats not the best choice for us

I think a lot of people ignore the difficult parts of parenting when they're thinking about TTC.

Like a PP said upthread - how can being responsible for another human for the rest of your life not be bloody hard?

I hugely regretted it until I got a PND diagnosis and started taking sertraline.

One for consideration if you’re feeling unhappy continually.

I think our society doesn't value motherhood. We are expected to get our career and head back to work ASAP after having a baby because working for someone else and their profit is so much more valuable. Babies are considered our 'choice' so the pressure is on us to raise them, not us and a community.

I don't regret my children and enjoy them more as they grow up and become teens/adults but I wish our community saw them as the future and raising them as something important rather than being looked down on for needing some outside help for raising them (single parent) - and yes, I have always worked even though I've needed a bit of help.