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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-MIL demanding “her” clothes back for DD

257 replies

TheyreOnlyClothes · 15/08/2021 13:07

Situation: Split with now ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control, share a 7yo DD.

Due to his own circumstances and DDs medical needs he has contact with DD at his parents, EOW for 1 night.

She obviously has clothes at both homes, and I’ve never been bothered about whats at Ex-Hs/Ex-PILs and whats here as long as she has enough of everything. Occasionally ExH will text me and ask me to send some extra leggings or tshirts or dresses etc. because he’s running short there, similarly I will text him. If she has a growth spurt we’ll both agree to buy things, so I might get dresses and tshirts and ExH will get leggings/trousers and jumpers (we both shop at different places so DD gets the chance to mix and match stuff depending on her mood). For each house we buy our own pants, socks and vests. Shoes go between houses but she does have things like wellies at both homes.

We didn’t get on as a couple, no matter what he did I’m not totally blameless so I am prepared to work at a co-parenting relationship, which I feel we have. We have both agreed that as long as she has clothes and toys at both homes things can move between them – both homes have a 1 in 1 out policy so if she brings something from ExHs to here, she takes something from here back to ExHs and vice versa.

Ex-MIL has sent me a long ranting text asking for all the clothes back shes bought for DD over the last few years, accused me of selling them to “profit from her son” and told me if I don’t hand them all over she is taking me to the small claims court for reimbursement before taking me to the family courts for full custody.

I’ve replied saying that when DD grows out of clothes both me and ExH sell the old ones to replace with new things, I have no idea which clothes she bought for DD as things go between homes but if DDs wardrobe there was running short of things I could sort out a bag of clothes to send with DD next time she’s there to keep there.

She’s replied “see you in court”

What I’ve replied is genuinely the truth, I have no idea who bought what clothes. There’s probably things I or my parents bought for DD at their house and the same with ExHs and Ex-PILs stuff here, I don’t care who bought it or where it is as long as DDs happy, clothed and got toys to play with. Similarly the other parents in DDs class swap things between us as some of the children can decide suddenly they love their friends jumper from none uniform day so we swap things around, so theres a chance that something ExH/Ex-PILs bought is actually being worn by one of the other girls in DDs class – I know for example there’s a jumper DD has and loves that was bought for her friend at school by her grandparents but she hated it so swapped it with DD for one she preferred I did buy the jumper she swapped though as I remember buying it (the school actually encourage this set up rather than clothes sitting unworn in wardrobes until they get thrown away).

So AIBU? And if she does take me to small claims will she win? I admit I sell old clothes on ebay and/or facebook to get some money back to get replacements and I maybe sell them before DD grows out of them fully so I can replace with a bigger size but I’ve never tried to profit from the arrangement. ExH pays maintenance but Ex-PILs think it’s too much so that’s the only reason I can think Ex-MIL is behaving like this.

OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 15/08/2021 18:21

@GetTaeFuck

She’s a fucking idiot.

Ignore.

This
blubberyboo · 15/08/2021 18:26

Clearly now you know where your ex gets his controlling issues from

Pebbledashery · 15/08/2021 18:26

See you in court lol. What an utter lunatic.
That's made me smile today.
Ignore, ignore and ignore.

DingDongThongs · 15/08/2021 18:28

She can't take you to small claims because she would have to prove you're selling it for profit. How would she prove she bought a certain item?

Don't let her buy any clothes. Pep and co clothes are cheap, cheerful and clean/smart. Send her in these.

You don't lose a child for selling clothing.

DingDongThongs · 15/08/2021 18:29

I'd be wary she doesn't ring social and invent abuse. She sounds mental.

Jux · 15/08/2021 18:33

As we say round here "she's a nidiot" Grin

Wimowehwimowehwimowehwimoweh · 15/08/2021 18:34

I would be tempted ask friends/family for any worn out tatty clothes. I would even be tempted to trawl charity shops so I could bag them all up and drop half a dozen bin bags of tatty clothes off for her with a note ‘returned as requested’.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/08/2021 18:35

[quote Southwestrunningmum]@HaveringWavering exactly, I imagine that MIL has gradually grown more annoyed at watching the clothes she brought for DD being sold by OP which she then uses the proceeds to purchase of her share of 50% of the clothes.

I think the MIL could have raised it very differently however than threatening to go to court[/quote]
Hardly. How much profit exactly is it possible to make from pre-worn clothing? It's not exactly the scenario of the Antiques Roadshow when Auntie Maud's undiscovered Picasso is dragged down from the attic to save the family from fiscal oblivion, now is it?

Also, what use are too-small clothes to the child?

MiL is a lunatic.

blubberyboo · 15/08/2021 18:35

If she did try any sort of court proceedings took place they clearly would be seen as a gift and you could easily prove you weren’t making profit and were merely reinvesting the funds to buy something for your DDs benefit.

I would also have a record of you forwarding this message to your ex with a pleasant enquiry into how his mothers mental health is currently

AngryWhompingWillow · 15/08/2021 18:36

Send her this message @TheyreOnlyClothes

'See you in court then, you fucking unhinged batshit bastard fruitloop.' And make the most of any pics you have of my daughter, because once we have been to court, you will NEVER be seeing her again. You vile, toxic witch.'

Seriously, WTF? I see/hear of so many women having problems with their mother-in-law. I rarely hear of MEN having problems with theirs.

Mothers of sons often seem to have problems with their son's wife/girlfriend, yet mothers of daughters rarely have with their daughter's husband/boyfriend.

WTF? Confused

DietrichandDiMaggio · 15/08/2021 18:58

@AngryWhompingWillow

Send her this message *@TheyreOnlyClothes*

'See you in court then, you fucking unhinged batshit bastard fruitloop.' And make the most of any pics you have of my daughter, because once we have been to court, you will NEVER be seeing her again. You vile, toxic witch.'

Seriously, WTF? I see/hear of so many women having problems with their mother-in-law. I rarely hear of MEN having problems with theirs.

Mothers of sons often seem to have problems with their son's wife/girlfriend, yet mothers of daughters rarely have with their daughter's husband/boyfriend.

WTF? Confused

WTF?

You seem to be suggesting that women who have sons are the problem. Maybe it is women having a problem with an older woman that isn't their own mother, whereas men don't. From lots of things I read on here, a lot of women expect their own mothers to be fully involved in their family, but not the husband's mother.
Not relevant to this thread, because obviously the ex-MIL is causing the problem, but you seem to be generalising.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/08/2021 18:59

@blubberyboo

If she did try any sort of court proceedings took place they clearly would be seen as a gift and you could easily prove you weren’t making profit and were merely reinvesting the funds to buy something for your DDs benefit.

I would also have a record of you forwarding this message to your ex with a pleasant enquiry into how his mothers mental health is currently

Grin Grin Grin

Jesus when I think of the easy relationship I have with my DiL. We'd do anything for each other.

Eralos · 15/08/2021 18:59

Does your ex mil know that grandparents don’t have legal rights of contact? I’m sure the court wouldn’t agree with her toxic approach to petty issue.

Whatinthelord · 15/08/2021 19:03

She’s having a laugh. She’ll be lauded out of family court if she tries to seek residency over an issue like that.

Pebbledashery · 15/08/2021 19:06

I'm still laughing at "see you in court" I wish you could laugh in her face 🤣

BadgerB · 15/08/2021 19:11

Does she know it costs a fair bit to start a claim in the Small Claims Court? Probably more than the sale value of the clothes - unless you dress your child in high fashion labels

Littlepaws18 · 15/08/2021 19:23

I understand why she is upset. We keep things entirely separate. When we mixed households, all the stuff we bought we never saw again and had to replace. Was so frustrating. Expensive toys would disappear too. If you aren't on good terms I'd keep it separate. What she goes there in she comes home in and all clothes worn there are things they bought. Keep it simple. And don't sell clothes you didn't buy! That's so rude.

Original poster
TheyreOnlyClothes · 15/08/2021 19:36

@BadgerB

Does she know it costs a fair bit to start a claim in the Small Claims Court? Probably more than the sale value of the clothes - unless you dress your child in high fashion labels
Nope, a few next bits, but mostly supermarket bits and primark. My mum likes h+m so we get a lot of stuff from there too but thats it.

ExH has similar tastes in clothes to me/DD so he shops in similar priced shops, but if I say I'm going to Tesco to stock up he'll head to Primark so we don't have too much of the same things.

For clarity ExH isn't an only child but his sibling adopted and Ex-MIL doesn't see those DC as her grandchildren in the same way - they still get invited to things but she doesn't babysit or anything, ExH has had a vasectomy since we split up (he told me) because he doesn't want to be in the same position with a DC again (i.e. living away from them) so to Ex-MIL DD is and always will be her only GC.

OP posts:
HazelBite · 15/08/2021 19:52

I'm sorry, but the fact that the offspring of the adopted siblings are not seen as "proper" granchildren just says volumes about her.

Southwestrunningmum · 15/08/2021 19:54

OP you have your answer stop selling what he and his mum buys and ask the same of him

You both owe it to your DD to keep good relations.

heldinadream · 15/08/2021 20:12

So she adopted a child but doesn't see that person's children as 'proper' grandchildren?
That's uber fucked-up.

Whyemseeaye · 15/08/2021 20:14

That is so cruel to her other child and those poor children.

She sounds absolutely ghastly 😕

Original poster
TheyreOnlyClothes · 15/08/2021 20:29

@heldinadream

So she adopted a child but doesn't see that person's children as 'proper' grandchildren? That's uber fucked-up.
No ExHs sibling adopted two DC and Ex-MIL doesn't see them as her GC in the same way.
OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 15/08/2021 20:33

She can't take you to small claims because she would have to prove you're selling it for profit.

That's irrelevant. OP could make thousands and her MIL still wouldn't have a case.

heldinadream · 15/08/2021 20:35

Ooops sorry I misunderstood.
Still horrible. I especially dislike people who don't see adoptees as proper. It really stinks. And it's so ungenerous.
But it's well established this woman is ungenerous.