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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-MIL demanding “her” clothes back for DD

257 replies

TheyreOnlyClothes · 15/08/2021 13:07

Situation: Split with now ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control, share a 7yo DD.

Due to his own circumstances and DDs medical needs he has contact with DD at his parents, EOW for 1 night.

She obviously has clothes at both homes, and I’ve never been bothered about whats at Ex-Hs/Ex-PILs and whats here as long as she has enough of everything. Occasionally ExH will text me and ask me to send some extra leggings or tshirts or dresses etc. because he’s running short there, similarly I will text him. If she has a growth spurt we’ll both agree to buy things, so I might get dresses and tshirts and ExH will get leggings/trousers and jumpers (we both shop at different places so DD gets the chance to mix and match stuff depending on her mood). For each house we buy our own pants, socks and vests. Shoes go between houses but she does have things like wellies at both homes.

We didn’t get on as a couple, no matter what he did I’m not totally blameless so I am prepared to work at a co-parenting relationship, which I feel we have. We have both agreed that as long as she has clothes and toys at both homes things can move between them – both homes have a 1 in 1 out policy so if she brings something from ExHs to here, she takes something from here back to ExHs and vice versa.

Ex-MIL has sent me a long ranting text asking for all the clothes back shes bought for DD over the last few years, accused me of selling them to “profit from her son” and told me if I don’t hand them all over she is taking me to the small claims court for reimbursement before taking me to the family courts for full custody.

I’ve replied saying that when DD grows out of clothes both me and ExH sell the old ones to replace with new things, I have no idea which clothes she bought for DD as things go between homes but if DDs wardrobe there was running short of things I could sort out a bag of clothes to send with DD next time she’s there to keep there.

She’s replied “see you in court”

What I’ve replied is genuinely the truth, I have no idea who bought what clothes. There’s probably things I or my parents bought for DD at their house and the same with ExHs and Ex-PILs stuff here, I don’t care who bought it or where it is as long as DDs happy, clothed and got toys to play with. Similarly the other parents in DDs class swap things between us as some of the children can decide suddenly they love their friends jumper from none uniform day so we swap things around, so theres a chance that something ExH/Ex-PILs bought is actually being worn by one of the other girls in DDs class – I know for example there’s a jumper DD has and loves that was bought for her friend at school by her grandparents but she hated it so swapped it with DD for one she preferred I did buy the jumper she swapped though as I remember buying it (the school actually encourage this set up rather than clothes sitting unworn in wardrobes until they get thrown away).

So AIBU? And if she does take me to small claims will she win? I admit I sell old clothes on ebay and/or facebook to get some money back to get replacements and I maybe sell them before DD grows out of them fully so I can replace with a bigger size but I’ve never tried to profit from the arrangement. ExH pays maintenance but Ex-PILs think it’s too much so that’s the only reason I can think Ex-MIL is behaving like this.

OP posts:
Southwestrunningmum · 15/08/2021 16:44

@HaveringWavering exactly, I imagine that MIL has gradually grown more annoyed at watching the clothes she brought for DD being sold by OP which she then uses the proceeds to purchase of her share of 50% of the clothes.

I think the MIL could have raised it very differently however than threatening to go to court

Oldtiredfedup · 15/08/2021 16:46

She’s completely bonkers

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 15/08/2021 16:50

@Findwen

Refer her to the response given in Arkell vs Pressdram

I copy here in all it's glory...

Dear Sir,

We act for Mr Arkell who is Retail Credit Manager of Granada TV Rental Ltd. His attention has been drawn to an article appearing in the issue of Private Eye dated 9th April 1971 on page 4. The statements made about Mr Arkell are entirely untrue and clearly highly defamatory. We are therefore instructed to require from you immediately your proposals for dealing with the matter.

Mr Arkell’s first concern is that there should be a full retraction at the earliest possible date in Private Eye and he will also want his costs paid. His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply.

Yours,
Goodman Derrick & Co.

=======================================

Dear Sirs,

We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr. J. Arkell.

We note that Mr Arkell’s attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.

Yours,
Private Eye

Fab reply!!
Natsku · 15/08/2021 17:02

The thumbs up reply seems perfect to me. What an idiot! My ex's parents tried the same, demanding back the cot they had bought for DD (second hand cot, cost them 40 euros so not exactly a big purchase) and I told them to fuck off, you can't demand gifts back. They also tried to demand custody of DD, even sent a letter to social workers asking how they could go about adopting her Grin the social workers showed me the letter, it was ridiculous.

BalksinLondon · 15/08/2021 17:08

I’ve been through family court twice, trust me this is complete nonsense and a court wouldn’t even discuss something like changing custody because of the clothes or getting you to reimburse. They have much, much bigger problems to deal with. And YANBU you did nothing wrong.

However divorced relationships are really tricky and extended families or stepparents can make things worse. it sounds like you need to somehow maintain peace with this woman who is caring for your daughter sometimes so maybe you only reply politely (think professional, customer services rep dealing with unreasonable customer…) even when she is rude. She could make life difficult if she decides to start on a war path and there may be more going on behind the scenes that you are not aware of. And, sad to say but it’s a good idea to file any nasty electronic communications from her in case you ever need them. She sounds petty and vindictive and family courts don’t like that sort of thing.

As for the clothes, might be a good idea to avoid selling clothes that you didn’t buy yourself, just return them to her when the child outgrows them. I guess these expenses do add up and as you’re not together anymore it’s not up to you, selling clothes she bought for “his days” (she might want to save them for other grandchildren or sell them herself to raise the cash). It could grate on them as you are getting almost full maintenance as DD only there one day a week. Personally I wouldn’t have done that… Obviously Ex-MIL communication ridiculous, thankfully you’re not under that thumb anymore and well done for leaving a toxic situation !

Justilou1 · 15/08/2021 17:15

I am not suggesting that you do this at all, but if you REALLY wanted to push her over the edge, you could say “You’re quite mistaken about me selling DD’s clothes. I have been keeping them all for my next child.”
She’d implode.

RedToothBrush · 15/08/2021 17:18

@Justilou1

I am not suggesting that you do this at all, but if you REALLY wanted to push her over the edge, you could say “You’re quite mistaken about me selling DD’s clothes. I have been keeping them all for my next child.” She’d implode.
Oh thats a corker.
myheartskippedabeat · 15/08/2021 17:23

Ask her to produce a list and co-inciding receipts

Ffs

She's bonkers and things like this can really upset children

Mydogmylife · 15/08/2021 17:23

@Southwestrunningmum

Well I think it’s crazy, equally I don’t really believe you wouldn’t k now s that you hadn’t brought that jumper when you went to sell it (you confirmed that you buy things from different shops)

I could see how MIL would be annoyed for you to sell an item she had purchased. Potentially she or you ex-h want to sell that item to buy something new, as you say you go 50/50 on buying clothes so why do you get to sell these items?

Court wouldn’t uphold the case, but I think it’s probably best that you return items she brought when outgrown, eg jackets/coats etc

It's my understanding that ex also sells outgrown clothes so don't see the issue?
RedToothBrush · 15/08/2021 17:26

@myheartskippedabeat

Ask her to produce a list and co-inciding receipts

Ffs

She's bonkers and things like this can really upset children

And the written agreement where you sign up to understanding that the giving of clothing is only a loan not a gift.
tolerable · 15/08/2021 17:30

is he aware shes stepping into the blame zone for his previous (learned)behaviour?
is the mil essential to continued contact with ex?

Justilou1 · 15/08/2021 17:31

I’d also love to know what conversations have been happening between MIL & EXH to inspire this all of a sudden. HE might be playing nice to OP’s face, but what is he saying about her, and what is DD hearing?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 15/08/2021 17:41

I would completely ignore this and only communicate through your DC's father. However in future, whenever you buy anything put your initials in indelible ink on it somewhere. Then you'll know for sure what you've bought and what you haven't. Then return everything that you didn't buy, worn out lunch boxes, clothes (including damaged ones that you would otherwise throw out). Keep a bag going in your house, mark it as 'not bought by me', and pop things in as your DD grows out of them or they get damage, then send it with her when it's full and start another bag.

aiwblam · 15/08/2021 17:46

What a bitch. Don’t write anything rude back in case she tried to use it against you.

Just say: I have not profited from any clothes sales, these have been done in order to buy dd clothes in the next size up. There is nothing to take me to court for.

Original poster
TheyreOnlyClothes · 15/08/2021 17:50

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

I would completely ignore this and only communicate through your DC's father. However in future, whenever you buy anything put your initials in indelible ink on it somewhere. Then you'll know for sure what you've bought and what you haven't. Then return everything that you didn't buy, worn out lunch boxes, clothes (including damaged ones that you would otherwise throw out). Keep a bag going in your house, mark it as 'not bought by me', and pop things in as your DD grows out of them or they get damage, then send it with her when it's full and start another bag.
I love this idea Grin

No reply from ExH but I have no doubt he's playing us off.

CAO is written that contact takes place at paternal grandparents as DDs medical needs (not life threatening or anything that needs medication bar a bit of calpol) mean she can't travel to ExH so I can't stop it.

ExH doesn;t have a room at his house anyway so they'd have nowhere else to go even if DD could travel to him. He offered to swap with me EOW and spend the night at my house but due to the reasons for our split I said no and judge didn't ask again. I wouldn't offer that now either.

OP posts:
Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 15/08/2021 17:50

I agree with Unsure33, and certainly wouldn't be happy with my child spending time with a grandmother who would remove her from my care given half the chance! What a nasty woman she is!

Original poster
TheyreOnlyClothes · 15/08/2021 17:51

It's my understanding that ex also sells outgrown clothes so don't see the issue?

@Mydogmylife is right understanding right ExH also sells outgrown clothes to replace the ones at his house/Ex-PILs.

OP posts:
PizzaPiePizzaPie · 15/08/2021 17:53

I wouldn’t respond to her AT ALL

Forward message to ex. Say don’t send DD to mine in any clothes MIL has purchased. Block her.

Concestor · 15/08/2021 17:56

I would reply "thank you for your message, the contents of which have been noted" and then forward to your ex as other posters have suggested, and ignore. Who on earth dress she think she is? Clothes are gifts for the child surely? I'd love to see this in court!

fringeneedsatrim · 15/08/2021 18:06

Only sell the stuff you buy.. I think that's fair 🤷‍♀️ you know what you buy and if you haven't bought it, pass it back to ex to dispose of as he sees fit.

My DB and his ex split custody 50/50, both buy clothes for Their children, myself and my parents also buy a lot of clothes. It is annoying when we see that his ex is selling the clothes we bought, she may well be buying new stuff with that money but we end up spending a lot more as she recoups the money we've spent too. If DB got a back bone and asked her to let him have back the clothes he and our side of the family bought, he'd save a fortune. To add he buys their coats, shoes/trainers as well as clothes, she only buys a few clothes.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/08/2021 18:11

@TheyreOnlyClothes

Have forwarded onto ExH and asked if he has a problem with our current arrangement will see what he replies.
" ExH pays maintenance but Ex-PILs think it’s too much so that’s the only reason I can think Ex-MIL is behaving like this."

"Ex-MIL has sent me a long ranting text asking for all the clothes back shes bought for DD over the last few years, accused me of selling them to “profit from her son” and told me if I don’t hand them all over she is taking me to the small claims court for reimbursement before taking me to the family courts for full custody."

All I would do is forward his mum's rant to ex, and tell him to deal with it.

I see you have already "forwarded onto ExH and asked if he has a problem with our current arrangement will see what he replies" and "No reply from ExH but I have no doubt he's playing us off." In what way is he 'playing you and his mum off? Presumably you think he's needled her enough to set her off? Any particular reason you think he'd do that?

Hugoslavia · 15/08/2021 18:13

I love the idea if bagging up loads of her old stuff that you didn't buy and returning it. But I would go one step further. I would add random stuff in as well. She will struggle to remember what she did and didn't buy her anyway, especially if you wait a while until you have a nice stockpile if several bin liners worth. Be sure to hold one back to deliver a fortnight later and then tell her that there will be more to follow soon, just to freak her out. Obviously don't bother washing any of it either.

DingDongThongs · 15/08/2021 18:16

Op report her for harassment and keep texts and diary. Print screen shot of texts.

QueeniesCroft · 15/08/2021 18:16

@zurala

I would reply "thank you for your message, the contents of which have been noted" and then forward to your ex as other posters have suggested, and ignore. Who on earth dress she think she is? Clothes are gifts for the child surely? I'd love to see this in court!
Yes, this uses my favourite code words for "fuck off and stop bothering me" while sounding reasonably civil.

Being only civil will wind her up no end!

DingDongThongs · 15/08/2021 18:17

Legally, its a gift. No onus to return gifts.

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