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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex-MIL demanding “her” clothes back for DD

257 replies

TheyreOnlyClothes · 15/08/2021 13:07

Situation: Split with now ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control, share a 7yo DD.

Due to his own circumstances and DDs medical needs he has contact with DD at his parents, EOW for 1 night.

She obviously has clothes at both homes, and I’ve never been bothered about whats at Ex-Hs/Ex-PILs and whats here as long as she has enough of everything. Occasionally ExH will text me and ask me to send some extra leggings or tshirts or dresses etc. because he’s running short there, similarly I will text him. If she has a growth spurt we’ll both agree to buy things, so I might get dresses and tshirts and ExH will get leggings/trousers and jumpers (we both shop at different places so DD gets the chance to mix and match stuff depending on her mood). For each house we buy our own pants, socks and vests. Shoes go between houses but she does have things like wellies at both homes.

We didn’t get on as a couple, no matter what he did I’m not totally blameless so I am prepared to work at a co-parenting relationship, which I feel we have. We have both agreed that as long as she has clothes and toys at both homes things can move between them – both homes have a 1 in 1 out policy so if she brings something from ExHs to here, she takes something from here back to ExHs and vice versa.

Ex-MIL has sent me a long ranting text asking for all the clothes back shes bought for DD over the last few years, accused me of selling them to “profit from her son” and told me if I don’t hand them all over she is taking me to the small claims court for reimbursement before taking me to the family courts for full custody.

I’ve replied saying that when DD grows out of clothes both me and ExH sell the old ones to replace with new things, I have no idea which clothes she bought for DD as things go between homes but if DDs wardrobe there was running short of things I could sort out a bag of clothes to send with DD next time she’s there to keep there.

She’s replied “see you in court”

What I’ve replied is genuinely the truth, I have no idea who bought what clothes. There’s probably things I or my parents bought for DD at their house and the same with ExHs and Ex-PILs stuff here, I don’t care who bought it or where it is as long as DDs happy, clothed and got toys to play with. Similarly the other parents in DDs class swap things between us as some of the children can decide suddenly they love their friends jumper from none uniform day so we swap things around, so theres a chance that something ExH/Ex-PILs bought is actually being worn by one of the other girls in DDs class – I know for example there’s a jumper DD has and loves that was bought for her friend at school by her grandparents but she hated it so swapped it with DD for one she preferred I did buy the jumper she swapped though as I remember buying it (the school actually encourage this set up rather than clothes sitting unworn in wardrobes until they get thrown away).

So AIBU? And if she does take me to small claims will she win? I admit I sell old clothes on ebay and/or facebook to get some money back to get replacements and I maybe sell them before DD grows out of them fully so I can replace with a bigger size but I’ve never tried to profit from the arrangement. ExH pays maintenance but Ex-PILs think it’s too much so that’s the only reason I can think Ex-MIL is behaving like this.

OP posts:
Maggiejardine · 16/08/2021 18:56

In the unlikely event that this got as far as court I’m sure no judge would take it seriously. She would need to provide evidence which she probably won’t have. In fact it would be wasting the courts time which wouldn’t go down well. I would just block her and ignore her mind games

user1470132907 · 16/08/2021 18:57

She doesn’t see adopted kids as her grand kids? She just gets better.

She’s a lunatic, by the way

EmeraldShamrock · 16/08/2021 18:59

Hehe haha do one. Gifts are not supposed to leave you indebted for anyone.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/08/2021 19:03

@ThreeLittleDots

No judge would permit this idiocy in any court
This.

They'll laugh at her.

browneyes77 · 16/08/2021 19:03

Does she not watch Judge Rinder? She hasn’t got a leg to stand on Grin

She purchased those items as GIFTS. You can’t claim for gifts. And unless she stipulated in an agreement that it was a Conditional Gift, then she has no case.

She is a moron.

Barmychick · 16/08/2021 19:09

Unbelievable !How is the relationship between granddaughter and grandmother?That's what I would be concerned about.

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 16/08/2021 19:45

Wow! That's a big leap from demanding clothes back to wanting full custody!! I am sure I read on here on another thread that Grandparents do not have rights legally to demand custody etc. I would personally have a chat with a solicitor just to get clarification on what MIL can or cannot do! Then you can tell her to shove it where the sun don't shine and advise her you are taking out a safeguarding against her as she is clearly unstable and not averse to using her grand daughter as a pawn on her pathetic games.!!

purpletrains · 16/08/2021 19:46

Would it be worth the expense and effort? Just say: yes, see you there!

Ari202 · 16/08/2021 19:47

Lol, that would make really great daytime TV 😕

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 16/08/2021 19:52

Now this is an episode of judge rinder that I would love to see. He would rip her a new one. She's ridiculous. No she won't win, probably won't even get to court. Stupid woman.

WaterIsBest · 16/08/2021 19:56

Keep every text / Email

Record conversations if you can

Be nice, never stoop to her level

Just say ok

They wont get full custody and im almost certain a small claims court will not be interested

TurquoiseDragon · 16/08/2021 19:57

I don't think this is really about the clothes.

If Ex isn't lying about the vasectomy, and if MIL has only recently found out, then this is really about MIL wanting to control DD as the only blood grandchild. Threatening court over the clothes is part of an attempt to make OP look like a bad parent, eg OP is a "thief" and must therefore be a bad parent, so MIL should of course have custody.

The co-parenting between OP and Ex has been working for quite a while, so it has to be something else that's triggered MIL, and I suspect it's the vasectomy and therefore no more "proper" grandchildren.

BlatheringOn · 16/08/2021 20:02

Wow. The small claims court threat is pathetic and pointless, but the custody threat? Very nasty. How dare she.

Yummymummy2020 · 16/08/2021 20:12

What a stupid lady. She sounds nasty. I would ask your ex to have a long word with her and I would ignore her threats.

frumpety · 16/08/2021 20:58

I would be tempted to text back 'Are you OK ?' because she clearly isn't but it might give you an inkling about what has actually caused her to do this.

beigebrownblue · 16/08/2021 21:10

Well no. It's simple.
Just tell her you will see her in court.

People like this think they are above the law.
She won't turn up.

disconnected101 · 16/08/2021 21:26

in your shoes I would nearly want her to take me to court just so I could witness her being torn into by the judge.
You'd think if your ex was happy with your arrangement he'd want his mother to stop interfering lest she jeopardize things, but then I suppose only you / they know what sort of role she has in the relationship.
Though maybe if he is a massive twat he likes seeing her fuck with your head.

Littlekittyscupcake · 16/08/2021 21:29

I would send her this message…

😂😂😂

Justilou1 · 17/08/2021 00:00

Or simply “K”.

Mamanyt · 17/08/2021 00:16

Ignore her. She bought the clothing for DD, who has had the use of them. I promise you, if she takes this to court, she will be a laughingstock, and may face fines (she would in the US) for bringing frivolous suit. Judges tend to make short shrift of these things.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 17/08/2021 01:22

Hope you told her to fuck off!! Don't let her speak to you like shit.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 17/08/2021 01:23

Love the suggestion of 'are you okay?' As she's obviously drunk/unstable.

browneyes77 · 17/08/2021 08:16

@TooTrusting

Family solicitor here. Grandparent can't just apply for an order re residence/contact. They have to apply first for permission to do so. On these facts she is unlikely to get it because she already has de facto formal contact, and no grounds for changing residence. The small claim re the clothes is a nonsense. There is no claim. If she's foolish enough to do it (highly unlikely) she won't win. I would completely ignore her. But do tell X that you believe your current arrangement works well and you are perplexed at the unpleasant and aggressive message. And to avoid a repeat please can he make sure either that GM's purchases are clearly labelled or preferably that anything she buys stays with GM - you never want to have a debate about who has bought what, as far as you are concerned DD's clothes are DD's, whoever paid for them. The best way to carry on co-parenting is to ignore this for the foolishness it is.
This ^
Notenoughchocolateomg · 17/08/2021 09:14

She's an idiot and a petty one at that. Honestly, don't even give it head space. And her going for full custody, again it's laughable. She will just waste her time and money and ultimately make a massive fool of herself. I'm a single mum too, it sounds like you're doing a great job Flowers

SD1978 · 17/08/2021 09:24

Whilst I don't deny she's being a twat- you do know exactly what has been bought and by whom- you said yourself you shop at different places so if it's not a shop you use/ they bought it. That being said- what has your ex said and does he have an issue? If not. She needs to butt out.