Ex-MIL demanding “her” clothes back for DD

[TheyreOnlyClothes]

Situation: Split with now ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control, share a 7yo DD.

Due to his own circumstances and DDs medical needs he has contact with DD at his parents, EOW for 1 night.

She obviously has clothes at both homes, and I’ve never been bothered about whats at Ex-Hs/Ex-PILs and whats here as long as she has enough of everything. Occasionally ExH will text me and ask me to send some extra leggings or tshirts or dresses etc. because he’s running short there, similarly I will text him. If she has a growth spurt we’ll both agree to buy things, so I might get dresses and tshirts and ExH will get leggings/trousers and jumpers (we both shop at different places so DD gets the chance to mix and match stuff depending on her mood). For each house we buy our own pants, socks and vests. Shoes go between houses but she does have things like wellies at both homes.

We didn’t get on as a couple, no matter what he did I’m not totally blameless so I am prepared to work at a co-parenting relationship, which I feel we have. We have both agreed that as long as she has clothes and toys at both homes things can move between them – both homes have a 1 in 1 out policy so if she brings something from ExHs to here, she takes something from here back to ExHs and vice versa.

Ex-MIL has sent me a long ranting text asking for all the clothes back shes bought for DD over the last few years, accused me of selling them to “profit from her son” and told me if I don’t hand them all over she is taking me to the small claims court for reimbursement before taking me to the family courts for full custody.

I’ve replied saying that when DD grows out of clothes both me and ExH sell the old ones to replace with new things, I have no idea which clothes she bought for DD as things go between homes but if DDs wardrobe there was running short of things I could sort out a bag of clothes to send with DD next time she’s there to keep there.

She’s replied “see you in court”

What I’ve replied is genuinely the truth, I have no idea who bought what clothes. There’s probably things I or my parents bought for DD at their house and the same with ExHs and Ex-PILs stuff here, I don’t care who bought it or where it is as long as DDs happy, clothed and got toys to play with. Similarly the other parents in DDs class swap things between us as some of the children can decide suddenly they love their friends jumper from none uniform day so we swap things around, so theres a chance that something ExH/Ex-PILs bought is actually being worn by one of the other girls in DDs class – I know for example there’s a jumper DD has and loves that was bought for her friend at school by her grandparents but she hated it so swapped it with DD for one she preferred I did buy the jumper she swapped though as I remember buying it (the school actually encourage this set up rather than clothes sitting unworn in wardrobes until they get thrown away).

So AIBU? And if she does take me to small claims will she win? I admit I sell old clothes on ebay and/or facebook to get some money back to get replacements and I maybe sell them before DD grows out of them fully so I can replace with a bigger size but I’ve never tried to profit from the arrangement. ExH pays maintenance but Ex-PILs think it’s too much so that’s the only reason I can think Ex-MIL is behaving like this.

@catndogslife

Small claims court and custody hearings are completely different things OP. It's difficult for grandparents when they see less of their grandchildren when the parents split up, but I don''t think they have any say here. In fact trying this sort of thing may have the complete opposite effect and result in them seeing less of their granddaughter.

She sees more of DD now than when me and ExH where together, we'd go round once a month to every 6 weeks when we were together, now she gets 24 hours every fortnight with her.

How sad that she’s spoiling the sensible relationship you’ve built with your ex.

Good luck to her.

How is she going to prove 'ownership'? Will be ground breaking if she manages it.

'Crack on', is the only response to her 'See you in court'

Sounds like MIL has some serious mental health issues going on, I agree with advice to message your ex to deal with her in future. How frustrating.

You have my sympathy OP. As someone who ended up in a real court battle with loony MIL over contact issues, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. However, the battles we had started over clothes she’d bought. Get your ex to deal with her and explain about the reselling. Also tell him you don’t want her buying any more clothes. And as so many say above distance yourself completely. Don’t engage.

I'd love to be a judge if a case like this came along. I would have an absolute field day. Your MIL wouldn't know what hit her.

This has daily Mail written all over it op, might do well to get it moved

YANBU and she sounds like an absolute pathetic twat!

I would reply with - ‘can you send me a list of everything you have given her as I can’t remember who gave her what. It would be a good idea to speak to your son and ask him to only dress DD in your clothes on the days he has her so there’s no confusion in the future. Me and your son are co-parenting very well and keeping it about DDs best interests, if you have an issue with that then please take it up with your son and not me.’

If you have any clothes of ‘hers’. I’d be giving them back to her just so she has no reason to contact me.
It actually sounds like you and your ex are co-parenting really well and it sounds like she is jealous of this for some reason.

Yes, ask her for a list. By email, and copy in Ex, suggesting he helps her compile it, as you can’t remember.

@ThreeLittleDots

No judge would permit this idiocy in any court

On the other hand, I'm sure that the judge will appreciate a good laugh!

How absolutely pathetic. I can tell you now she will get nowhere in either court. You can see where he gets his angry controlling behaviour from cant you.

I'd be tempted to do the 👍🏻, but then she is your daughters granny so It's probably more tactful to just ignore it. She is clearly unhinged and you can't argue with stupid!

Block all communication. Ensure you save the message where she threatened to apply for a residence order. Taking children away from those with parental responsibility is no small matter and courts don't look too kindly on those who threaten it on a spiteful basis. The text message is also useful evidence in case of any malicious reports to social services.

The silly threat to sue in the small claims court for the clothing is one thing. I'd have been inclined to brush this off as the idiocy it is and been content with blocking her. But threats of family courts, residence order applications or chanting 'grandparents' rights' are another matter entirely. Once conversations stray into this kind of legal territory I'd be looking at blocking your child's contact with this women entirely and taking independent legal advice should your ex oppose this.

I wouldn't under any circumstances communicate with her directly again.

Not acceptable for her to threaten your family in this way.

Also they don't belong to you so shed have to take her granddaughter to court lol.

Bit bizarre swapping clothes between school friends. Is that even a thing? I might say it’s okay if it’s clothes you’ve bought for dd, but not if someone else has bought it. Could be embarrassing if person who bought it happens to find out or see another child wearing it.

@GetTaeFuck

She’s a fucking idiot.

Ignore.

this ...

what a loon.. 😂

This, to go to her phone and email and copied to Ex.

Dear MiL, I think someone may have hacked your phone. I've received a really odd, hostile message - purporting to come from you - threatening me with small claims court over outgrown clothing bought for your grandchild and, more seriously, threatening to take me to the Family Court for full custody of my daughter.

Please confirm that this message (screenshot attached) did not originate with you. If in fact it did, you need to be aware that you may lose all contact with her in your home until after any Family Court proceedings instigated by you have been settled."

And I would seriously consider stopping the contact immediately. Granny may be putting ideas into the child's mind such as, "When you come to live here all the time ..." which will be damaging to the child's stability and sense of security. Don't wait until harm has been done to her.

The custody threat is a much bigger deal than the clothing one! She has zero chance if winning custody (it's not even called that these days, is it?) but there's every chance she will upset the child.

Well I think it’s crazy, equally I don’t really believe you wouldn’t k now s that you hadn’t brought that jumper when you went to sell it (you confirmed that you buy things from different shops)

I could see how MIL would be annoyed for you to sell an item she had purchased. Potentially she or you ex-h want to sell that item to buy something new, as you say you go 50/50 on buying clothes so why do you get to sell these items?

Court wouldn’t uphold the case, but I think it’s probably best that you return items she brought when outgrown, eg jackets/coats etc

@NewlyGranny

This, to go to her phone and email and copied to Ex.

Dear MiL, I think someone may have hacked your phone. I've received a really odd, hostile message - purporting to come from you - threatening me with small claims court over outgrown clothing bought for your grandchild and, more seriously, threatening to take me to the Family Court for full custody of my daughter.

Please confirm that this message (screenshot attached) did not originate with you. If in fact it did, you need to be aware that you may lose all contact with her in your home until after any Family Court proceedings instigated by you have been settled."

And I would seriously consider stopping the contact immediately. Granny may be putting ideas into the child's mind such as, "When you come to live here all the time ..." which will be damaging to the child's stability and sense of security. Don't wait until harm has been done to her.

The custody threat is a much bigger deal than the clothing one! She has zero chance if winning custody (it's not even called that these days, is it?) but there's every chance she will upset the child.

🤣😂

Empty threat - as if she'd go to the trouble of financing a case for sold second-hand clothes that fetch hardly a few pounds.

Ignore and move on.

Refer her to the response given in Arkell vs Pressdram

I copy here in all it's glory...

Dear Sir,

We act for Mr Arkell who is Retail Credit Manager of Granada TV Rental Ltd. His attention has been drawn to an article appearing in the issue of Private Eye dated 9th April 1971 on page 4. The statements made about Mr Arkell are entirely untrue and clearly highly defamatory. We are therefore instructed to require from you immediately your proposals for dealing with the matter.

Mr Arkell’s first concern is that there should be a full retraction at the earliest possible date in Private Eye and he will also want his costs paid. His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply.

Yours,
Goodman Derrick & Co.

=======================================

Dear Sirs,

We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr. J. Arkell.

We note that Mr Arkell’s attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.

Yours,
Private Eye

MIL is bonkers and the court threat is nonsense. and your selling outgrown clothes makes good practical sense. However I'm a bit surprised you don't know which clothes you bought and which they did. Don't you remember shopping for them?

This has been on Judge Judy before.. they didn't win

I would have replied with 'ok'. Nothing more and nothing less.

Is it court ordered that your dd has to stay at the grandparents house? I’d be rethinking this sleeping arrangement as the ex mil is overstepping boundaries. She is not her mother, she is not a co parent. Why she thinks she is entitled to full custody is beyond me? And she thinks her son is paying too much fir his own daughter? She clearly doesn’t have your daughters best interests at heart.