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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex-MIL demanding “her” clothes back for DD

257 replies

TheyreOnlyClothes · 15/08/2021 13:07

Situation: Split with now ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control, share a 7yo DD.

Due to his own circumstances and DDs medical needs he has contact with DD at his parents, EOW for 1 night.

She obviously has clothes at both homes, and I’ve never been bothered about whats at Ex-Hs/Ex-PILs and whats here as long as she has enough of everything. Occasionally ExH will text me and ask me to send some extra leggings or tshirts or dresses etc. because he’s running short there, similarly I will text him. If she has a growth spurt we’ll both agree to buy things, so I might get dresses and tshirts and ExH will get leggings/trousers and jumpers (we both shop at different places so DD gets the chance to mix and match stuff depending on her mood). For each house we buy our own pants, socks and vests. Shoes go between houses but she does have things like wellies at both homes.

We didn’t get on as a couple, no matter what he did I’m not totally blameless so I am prepared to work at a co-parenting relationship, which I feel we have. We have both agreed that as long as she has clothes and toys at both homes things can move between them – both homes have a 1 in 1 out policy so if she brings something from ExHs to here, she takes something from here back to ExHs and vice versa.

Ex-MIL has sent me a long ranting text asking for all the clothes back shes bought for DD over the last few years, accused me of selling them to “profit from her son” and told me if I don’t hand them all over she is taking me to the small claims court for reimbursement before taking me to the family courts for full custody.

I’ve replied saying that when DD grows out of clothes both me and ExH sell the old ones to replace with new things, I have no idea which clothes she bought for DD as things go between homes but if DDs wardrobe there was running short of things I could sort out a bag of clothes to send with DD next time she’s there to keep there.

She’s replied “see you in court”

What I’ve replied is genuinely the truth, I have no idea who bought what clothes. There’s probably things I or my parents bought for DD at their house and the same with ExHs and Ex-PILs stuff here, I don’t care who bought it or where it is as long as DDs happy, clothed and got toys to play with. Similarly the other parents in DDs class swap things between us as some of the children can decide suddenly they love their friends jumper from none uniform day so we swap things around, so theres a chance that something ExH/Ex-PILs bought is actually being worn by one of the other girls in DDs class – I know for example there’s a jumper DD has and loves that was bought for her friend at school by her grandparents but she hated it so swapped it with DD for one she preferred I did buy the jumper she swapped though as I remember buying it (the school actually encourage this set up rather than clothes sitting unworn in wardrobes until they get thrown away).

So AIBU? And if she does take me to small claims will she win? I admit I sell old clothes on ebay and/or facebook to get some money back to get replacements and I maybe sell them before DD grows out of them fully so I can replace with a bigger size but I’ve never tried to profit from the arrangement. ExH pays maintenance but Ex-PILs think it’s too much so that’s the only reason I can think Ex-MIL is behaving like this.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 15/08/2021 14:34

Tell her you are happy to see her in court

Then tell her, yes tell, that she needs to make sure dd only wears the clothes she buys at her house moving forward and none are to come to yours as you take no responsibility for them

notelegant · 15/08/2021 14:34

Just ignore her messages or give a simple 'OK' or 👍

Still1nLove · 15/08/2021 14:34

She is off her rocker. Let your ex deal with it

BlueLobelia · 15/08/2021 14:37

@Chloemol

Tell her you are happy to see her in court

Then tell her, yes tell, that she needs to make sure dd only wears the clothes she buys at her house moving forward and none are to come to yours as you take no responsibility for them

Iwould agree to this, if you can stomach the stress.

It will cost her about £300 or so to even make an application (I forget how much). She will write a supporting statement. You will write a statement of defence. The Judge is likely to tell her to jog on.

I'd let her crack on with it for pure amusement value to be honest.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/08/2021 14:39

In case it does ever come up in any kind of court case or investigation, I'd just respond with 'if you give me full details of the clothes in question I will have a look and see if we still have them. In the future if there are any clothes that you want handed back please can you let me know the specifics or keep them at yours' so you've been more than reasonable. And keep all messages. She sounds batty enough to make a malicious complaint to SS

NYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYNYN · 15/08/2021 14:41

This won't even get to bloody court, let alone be heard. She's off her rocker

It sounds like you have a lovely set up with coparenting and it's all around your daughters best interests. Ignore the crazy ex MIL

ShuddaBeenMe · 15/08/2021 14:41

Send the thumbs up then block her. No need to communicate with her at all.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/08/2021 14:42

I think her thoughts on her son paying you 'too much' maintenance show exactly what kind of person she is

inpixiehollow · 15/08/2021 14:43

She's being utterly ridiculous and would likely get laughed at if she tried to bring this to court. Is Ex partner aware his mother has contacted you? He equally should tell her to mind her own business.

Fireflygal · 15/08/2021 14:45

@DrinkFeckArseBrick, agree. Let the Ex deal with it and if she continues and it needs a response be aware that it could be used in court.

Unlikely but not impossible. She sounds so aggressive that she could follow through or she may calm down.

StarDrawers · 15/08/2021 14:46

Hopefully ex deals with it. If it doesn't get sorted after that maybe say unfortunately no more clothes from MIL in your house.

It sounds like you've both worked on set up that works so I wonder why she is interfering.

Kithic · 15/08/2021 14:47

@Viviennemary

She hasn't got a chance in court. Buf I would be annoyed if clothes I had given were bring sold. And then I was expected to provide more. Its cheeky. Buy the new clothes yourself with your profits.

OP isnt expecting MIL to buy clothes for her dc though is she?

catndogslife · 15/08/2021 14:49

Small claims court and custody hearings are completely different things OP.
It's difficult for grandparents when they see less of their grandchildren when the parents split up, but I don''t think they have any say here.
In fact trying this sort of thing may have the complete opposite effect and result in them seeing less of their granddaughter.

GintyMcGinty · 15/08/2021 14:50

Ignore her and try not to let her get to you.

memberofthewedding · 15/08/2021 14:52

Magistrates do not like the courts time being wasted on mischievous and vexatious claims such as this. If she takes you to court ask for costs to be awarded against her.

GNCQ · 15/08/2021 14:52

No wonder your ex was a violent insufferable twat given the way his family behaves ....

KindChick · 15/08/2021 14:55

Don’t respond to her pathetic ‘see you in court’, if u respond, she will message back and so the threats continue.

Peachee · 15/08/2021 14:56

No wonder your ex is the way he is when his example in life is this strange woman. I agree that this may become the start of things to come and if she continues with her abuse and pathetic tit for tat regime then your ex may need to suggest a different place for access to your daughter. I feel so sorry for you both ! Utter craziness xx

itsgettingwierd · 15/08/2021 14:57

I'd encourage her to apply for custody just to see the application.

"Applying for full custody because when my son has his DD for 2 nights out of a month I've brought her the odd item of clothing. That clothing has been sold with the clothing my son and his ex have provided to raise funds for new clothing. Therefore I question OPs suitability to be a parent"

MrsSugar · 15/08/2021 14:58

She sounds nuts ! Keep the messages. I’d just message back saying see you there then don’t respond again ! She will only make herself look an idiot so don’t give it too much thought !

Unsure33 · 15/08/2021 15:01

I agree that you should message your ex and say as you are now under the threat of court action from his mother you are not feeling comfortable with the current arrangements .

Push the ball into his court .

LitPearl · 15/08/2021 15:03

I would encourage her to tell a judge that you are profiting off her son by selling your daughter's second hand clothes.
YUPP. You must be rolling around in your ill gotten gains.

LET her hang herself.

tempester28 · 15/08/2021 15:03

Well now you know where the controlling behaviour stems from. First thing would be to say you don’t want her to buy any more clothes for your dd.

I would tell her you will get legal advice and get back to her

Mantlemoose · 15/08/2021 15:06

I wouldn't lower myself to any sort of response. I'd simply block her and get on with what you're doing.

NinaBallerinaShoes · 15/08/2021 15:11

If MIL is going for full custody, does she mean to apply to be the sole parent - ie neither you or your ex has any parental responsibility?

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