Ex-MIL demanding “her” clothes back for DD

[TheyreOnlyClothes]

Situation: Split with now ExH in 2017 due to his violence and control, share a 7yo DD.

Due to his own circumstances and DDs medical needs he has contact with DD at his parents, EOW for 1 night.

She obviously has clothes at both homes, and I’ve never been bothered about whats at Ex-Hs/Ex-PILs and whats here as long as she has enough of everything. Occasionally ExH will text me and ask me to send some extra leggings or tshirts or dresses etc. because he’s running short there, similarly I will text him. If she has a growth spurt we’ll both agree to buy things, so I might get dresses and tshirts and ExH will get leggings/trousers and jumpers (we both shop at different places so DD gets the chance to mix and match stuff depending on her mood). For each house we buy our own pants, socks and vests. Shoes go between houses but she does have things like wellies at both homes.

We didn’t get on as a couple, no matter what he did I’m not totally blameless so I am prepared to work at a co-parenting relationship, which I feel we have. We have both agreed that as long as she has clothes and toys at both homes things can move between them – both homes have a 1 in 1 out policy so if she brings something from ExHs to here, she takes something from here back to ExHs and vice versa.

Ex-MIL has sent me a long ranting text asking for all the clothes back shes bought for DD over the last few years, accused me of selling them to “profit from her son” and told me if I don’t hand them all over she is taking me to the small claims court for reimbursement before taking me to the family courts for full custody.

I’ve replied saying that when DD grows out of clothes both me and ExH sell the old ones to replace with new things, I have no idea which clothes she bought for DD as things go between homes but if DDs wardrobe there was running short of things I could sort out a bag of clothes to send with DD next time she’s there to keep there.

She’s replied “see you in court”

What I’ve replied is genuinely the truth, I have no idea who bought what clothes. There’s probably things I or my parents bought for DD at their house and the same with ExHs and Ex-PILs stuff here, I don’t care who bought it or where it is as long as DDs happy, clothed and got toys to play with. Similarly the other parents in DDs class swap things between us as some of the children can decide suddenly they love their friends jumper from none uniform day so we swap things around, so theres a chance that something ExH/Ex-PILs bought is actually being worn by one of the other girls in DDs class – I know for example there’s a jumper DD has and loves that was bought for her friend at school by her grandparents but she hated it so swapped it with DD for one she preferred I did buy the jumper she swapped though as I remember buying it (the school actually encourage this set up rather than clothes sitting unworn in wardrobes until they get thrown away).

So AIBU? And if she does take me to small claims will she win? I admit I sell old clothes on ebay and/or facebook to get some money back to get replacements and I maybe sell them before DD grows out of them fully so I can replace with a bigger size but I’ve never tried to profit from the arrangement. ExH pays maintenance but Ex-PILs think it’s too much so that’s the only reason I can think Ex-MIL is behaving like this.

To clarify - when we say 'ignore', we mean, ignore her jibes. If you hear from the Small Claims court, don't ignore that as she might win a default judgement if you don't respond. Just don't stress about it, and respond appropriately to any official communication.

just forward to DD dad to deal

Or reply with the brilliant suggestion I've seen on the Geller Chocolate teapot thread: Noted

Sounds like the situation is all getting a bit much for her. No doubt her son is no prize to be around for anyone, and as you have successfully foisted him back on her, she'll be spitting tacks over that.

Anyway, that's not your issue, and there is no need for you to maintain any relationship with your ex MIL and certainly not if she behaves like that.

I would simply reply that her behaviour is distressing you and you do not wish to hear from her again. Then block her. Any further contact from her after that constitutes harassment.

Deal with your ex only from now on with regards to your daughter. I would hazard a guess he plays both sides and slags you off to each other, so don't get sucked in to any conversations about her.
Grey rock him.

She hasn't got a chance in court. Buf I would be annoyed if clothes I had given were bring sold. And then I was expected to provide more. Its cheeky. Buy the new clothes yourself with your profits.

I work in a law firm dealing with small claims. Trust me, she would need a lot of evidence to back up what she is saying... Receipts to prove she bought the items, acknowledgment that they were not a gift, proof as to how much she was claiming and why. Legal costs to draft particulars / witness statements before hearing would be very high. Theres no way any solicitor would touch it. I would personally file a counterclaim and save her texts as proof of harassment.

As for taking you to court for full custody of YOUR daughter haha! She is dreaming.

Grandma is a fucking idiot, there’s a lot of it about in these situations. I’d let her get on with it- small claims court and all the rest. As for her going to family court for full residency, how’s that’s going to go down? “I want my grandchild to live with me because I’m pissed off with her mother and this is the best way I could think of to spite her”. she’s got shit for brains.

I've never heard anything more ridiculous in my life. Of course she isn't going to Court - no wonder her son is the way he is if that's his mother's attitude. She's a silly cow.

@Viviennemary

She hasn't got a chance in court. Buf I would be annoyed if clothes I had given were bring sold. And then I was expected to provide more. Its cheeky. Buy the new clothes yourself with your profits.

Thats exactly what I do, sell any good condition outgrown clothes and then use the money made to replace. I don't keep tabs on which clothes come from who, so I may have sold some that ExH or Ex-PILs got DD but I'm sure ExH has sold some of the ones I or my parents bought DD so it all works out fairly in the end.

Viviennemary so what, the OP sends the clothes back to go to the charity shop or in the bin. Surely if they can sell the old stuff everyone benefits. I wouldn't give a toss in this situation.

@Mynameisthecatwhogotthecream

I would forward the message onto your ex and ask if he knows anything about it, let him deal with it. His response will let you know if he has got anything to do with it

This. She is the child’s grandmother, what on earth is she playing at? Ridiculously petulant behaviour.

Tell her you will see her in court!

What horrible messages. Is she normally ok with you? Is there any possibility that the messages have came from ex via MIL’s phone?

Apologies awful your poor dd.

As pp said they need evidence to build a case, receipts etc.

It's plain nasty and to be honest I'd be worried about my dd around this

You know why exchange gets it from op best to disengage with the woman.

Haha. Yeah, I know a couple of your ExMiL's type. Completely ignore her and it'll send her up the wall. I'd also label any clothes she buys in future so that you can bag them up and send them round when your DC has finished with them. See how much she gets for the cast offs of a seven year old.
Or selll them on facebook, then send her the £3.50 with the transaction details.

I really couldn't see her winning

Just reply with a thumbs up, and for any future messages ignore content and tell her to speak to her son.

You already sound pretty laid back and generous about the amount of stuff your dd has at nanny's house for just 2 nights a month. Or 26 in a year to put it in context!

I love the 👍 or judge finder application ideas.

But you've done well to refer it to ex. I'd also be telling him there is a major concern about dd staying there if this behaviour continues.

And you don't need to explain your set up of clothing etc in such detail. If someone buys your dd clothes they become hers to do what she wants with. Gifts don't come with conditions attached.

There’s batshit and then there’s BATSHIT

That’s mental 😂🤦‍♀️😭 She’d be laughed out of the court. Ignore.

She’s crackers. See what two replies. But is his parents really the best place for her given ex MIL’s obvious resentment of her?

Just reply as this is now a legal matter, it is not appropriate for you to see or speak to DD until after the court hearing.

Copy your EX in and tell him he needs to find a new venue for his contact time as his mother's house is no longer suitable.

Don't reply again. If she contacts you, imagine sitting in court with the magistrate reading the texts and act accordingly - either ignore or send something polite if you really must. 'Clean hands' is important, don't be tempted to send laughing emojis or anything like that.

But she really doesn't have a case so don't worry.

She’s going to fight for your dds custody because of some clothes ? Sure judge will grant that