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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my dad could be more generous with his money

169 replies

Thewholeshackshimmy · 15/08/2021 09:37

Firstly, I love and care for my parents greatly.
I am 48, my dad 80 and mum 78. I have always been close to them and live just around the corner from them.
Although dad is in good health and still active my mum is not. She has a few health issues, the main one being that she suffers from Alzheimer’s. My dad has not coped very well with her diagnosis, he is angry with it and regularly picks her up on everything she forgets about and the things she does. He cooks for her but not much else, he seems to think if he keeps reminding her then she will do the thinks she is forgetting to do.
I check in on them almost every day. My dsis pops in twice a week and helps with cleaning (she runs her own cleaning company).
I organise everything else, all of my mums appointments, I arranged Attendance Allowance for her and I got dad a reduction in his council tax. I arranged for mum to go to a day centre once a week to give dad a break (I take her there and collect her), I organise and order mums meds (which are delivered once a month, I wash and blow dry her hair (sometimes my dsis does this too), I cut and paint her nails to make her feel better.
I don’t think she is showering as much as she should and dad doesn’t supervise her with this.
TBH as much as I adore my mum I don’t want to do any personal care, that just isn’t me I am not good with those sort of things. I feel guilty about this, I really do.
I will ask dad things like ‘is there any washing to be done?’ and I get a ‘How would I know??’ 🤷‍♀️ Yet I look in the dirty linen basket, which is always half full with his bloody clothes and I feel like saying ‘well you must have bloody put the stuff in there!’ So I do their washing too.
If I (or my sister) suggest that he needs to step up a little and do more around the house and for mum he gets all irritated and says he’s 80, he’s old, he shouldn’t have to do all these things!!
I have suggested a carer but they refuse and mum gets upset saying she is useless and wants to die and she doesn’t want a stranger in caring for her.
I don’t get any money for helping out and haven’t and would never ask. I haven’t ever asked my parents for any money and they have never given me any, even after my grandparents passed and they inherited money from them. I left home 23+ years ago.
Dad will give me £10 or £20 here and there as a thank you or offer me fuel, I ey occasionally if I use my car to drive mum somewhere.
I usually receive £30 for Christmas and for my birthday.
Now my my dilemma/AIBU.
When we were sorting out Power of Attorney and their wills I was quite taken aback at just how much money they have. I always knew they were not hard up as they inherited quite a bit from my grandparents will (mum’s parents) when they passed. They have a lot, enough to buy a 4 bed house and at least £10k each in their current accounts alone.
They spend little on themselves apart from food, bills etc.
Mum also has the extra £90 per wk Attendance Allowance which I got for her so they could buy things like ready meals to help dad or even pay for a carer a few times a week but it’s been sitting in her bank account accumulating since a year ago, untouched.
I have some on going health issues which are frankly ruining my life and making my day to day life quite hard and after endless NHS tests and visits to consultants and GPs etc I am getting nowhere fast and still suffering. I would love to see someone privately but just can not afford the fees. My dad is fully aware of my health issues but takes no interest and never offers any help, he just tells me that private consultants are just after my money and they can’t help me. I know Mum would have helped but as she has a five minute memory she would not remember anything I tell her.
I only work very part time, mainly because of my health issues and because I need to be about for my parents, dad facetimes me most mornings for something or other!
It does get me down that most of my friends parents are very generous with their money, even though most are no where near as financially comfortable as my parents. I know that if I had the money when I’m older I will definitely help my kids out, without a doubt.
So my AIBU is should my dad be a bit more generous with his money especially he knows I am struggling financially and health wise?
Obviously he is not going to be more generous with it but am I BU to think he should?

OP posts:

Kithic · 15/08/2021 09:41

I only work very part time, mainly because of my health issues and because I need to be about for my parents, dad facetimes me most mornings for something or other!

Maybe you should be less available?
But you say you are part time due to health issues, not mainly due to caring. If you did less caring, could you work more?

It may be time to say, I cant afford to keep helping you as I need to work more to afford to pay my bills.

Original poster

Thewholeshackshimmy · 15/08/2021 09:44

Kithic I would def work from home if I could but atm working extra will put extra pressure on my health issues.
I do regularly mention that I am hard up but dad doesn’t believe me and seems to think dh is loaded (he is most definitely not).

OP posts:

maddy68 · 15/08/2021 09:46

They need to off load some of that money otherwise it'll go in inheritance tax. Get them to make an Appointment with an IFA.

user1471466920 · 15/08/2021 09:46

Yes he definitely should. I do not understand this mentality, the money stuck in a bank is bringing no joy to anyone. “You can’t take it with you” is a very true saying.

robotcollision · 15/08/2021 09:49

Ime - which is fairly similar in many ways to yours, you need to present them with a ready made decision. Tell them a home help would cost X per week (say 5 hours a week at £12-15ph) and that this person would clean and do the laundry and change the bed. Frame it that your dad is right that he is 80 and shouldn't have to do it and he has been sensible with money so now is the time to spend it.

LittleBearPad · 15/08/2021 09:49

@maddy68

They need to off load some of that money otherwise it'll go in inheritance tax. Get them to make an Appointment with an IFA.

Unless it’s more than £650k it won’t.

It sounds as though your parents need more support OP and you need to do less for them.

DarlingCoffee · 15/08/2021 09:52

Could you apply for Carer’s Allowance OP.

Suzi888 · 15/08/2021 09:53

“I cant afford to keep helping you as I need to work more to afford to pay my bills.”
Pretty much this OP. I’d also get a care package in place if you can, someone needs to help your mum with bathing.

‘Attendance Allowance is money for people aged pension age or over who have care needs. You may have care needs if you need help with activities of daily living, such as getting dressed, going to the toilet or having someone to look after you so you do not hurt yourself. It could include help outside the home. ‘-
The money isn’t meant to be “saved up!” That’s not the point of it at all. It honestly infuriates me that a lot of people claim it and shove it in a bank account, whilst expecting their children or whoever to provide their time and care for free. I used to process benefit and honestly the number of pensioners who have thousands in the bank and came in looking to claim more help/ more benefit/ more money/ more, more, more was ridiculous! rant over.

Chikapu · 15/08/2021 09:54

Your parents need some proper help, your mum is not getting the care that she needs. Would him being more generous with his money make you help your mum with her personal care or is that still not something you want to do?

vivainsomnia · 15/08/2021 09:55

I don't know. If you were a single mum, maybe, but you say you are married. Even if you can't work more hours, he is there to support you.

I do agree that it is tight that they are not helping with a private consultant visit. Have you asked directly for it as a present? They might be concerned that if they pay for this, there might be more and more coming.

Ultimately, your parents are likely to end up in care and therefore need the money. It will be the difference between going to a nice care home as opposed to a state funded one. They might be very worried about the future and paying for it, clouding their judgement that £200 won't make much of a difference.

Caring for them must be hard work, so if you reduced it, you should have more time and energy to work a few extra hours.

NoSquirrels · 15/08/2021 09:57

@robotcollision

Do this.

The money thing/your dad ‘being generous’ to you is separate. Unless you want to be formally paid to do these things - which is a different conversation.

Theunamedcat · 15/08/2021 09:57

If she gets attendance allowance you can get carers if you care around thirty hours a week that includes arranging things cleaning shopping etc

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/08/2021 09:58

People will say it's their money but YANBU. I could not imagine watching my children struggle while I had money in the bank.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/08/2021 09:58

This must be so hard for you OP. I think in terms of your care and time, its actually really selfish. They can't have it both ways - he can't refuse to do it himself but not want to pay towards someone else doing it. I think you just need to be firm. Sit him down and say you've got health issues, you can't keep on doing all this for them as you are struggling financially because your health issues mean you can't work. Your mum is going to need more care in the future not less and it's not good for anyone if you get more ill or are forced to work full time because of finances in the future. Give him the options of either paying you or getting in some help, or I'd suggest tell him he will be paying you for what you do and you will be getting in some help, even if its just a small amount now then it will be easier to increase it when you need to. You've got time to look for someone good and introduce them slowly

MazDazzle · 15/08/2021 09:58

You and your sister should be taking the £90 per week if they aren’t prepared to outsource help.

DeadGood · 15/08/2021 09:59

YANBU OP. Your dad should be ashamed of himself

AgentJohnson · 15/08/2021 09:59

There are two different things going on.

Your Dad appears to be in denial about the severity of your Mums condition and her condition isn’t about to get any better. I think it’s time you and your sister sit down with your father and plan for the future. If your Mother were to need a home, you’d be surprised at the cost. That 10K current account bank balance wouldn’t last four months.

Secondly, your parents money is theirs and they can do what they like with it. What others choose to do with their money is their business. You will probably inherit, so a share of their money will come your way eventually.

HoboSexualOnslow · 15/08/2021 10:00

I don't think I know any parents that wouldn't offer to pay privately for their children if they had the money. It seems so mean! However, in my work I see lots of elderly people that need help but refuse to pay for it even when they have thousands on the bank. Frustrating.

Vaselike · 15/08/2021 10:02

Yanbu but there’s not much you can do (apart from withholding services and support, which will impact your mum) about dad not being generous to you.

But you can absolutely woman up and tell dad that he’s being very mean and miserly, that he has money to help with your mums care costs and he should bloody well be using it.

Truth be told, if she deteriorates to the state of needing residential care then that big pot won’t stay big for long…

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/08/2021 10:02

If I were your father I would be hanging on to every penny. If your mum continues to deteriorate she will probably need to go into residential nursing care which will eat up their savings in no time.

MrsDoctorDear · 15/08/2021 10:03

It's likely your mum will eventually need to go into a care home, so will the money not be used up on fees?

Angryfrommanchester1 · 15/08/2021 10:03

You sound like you have such a lot on and it must be difficult to have to do all of that plus your job and dealing with your health. The care you are talking about for your mum should / could be paid for using attendance allowance.
If he’s not going to pay for care for your mum I don’t think he’s even in a place where he would consider helping you out though, and yes I think he should as you’re doing a lot for your mum.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/08/2021 10:05

It's really obvious from the OP that dad expects them to care for her to avoid a home

There's no way this guy is going to pay over £1000 a WEEK to have his wife in a home

Medievalist · 15/08/2021 10:06

If I were your father I would be hanging on to every penny. If your mum continues to deteriorate she will probably need to go into residential nursing care which will eat up their savings in no time.

^^ My parents were very frugal but had a lot of money in the bank when they died. They wanted to be in a position to pay for good care should they need it.

Your dm is only 78. Your df may need to find 10 years worth of care home fees.

Medievalist · 15/08/2021 10:07

It's really obvious from the OP that dad expects them to care for her to avoid a home

It's not obvious to me. There are always two sides to a story.

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