To think my dad could be more generous with his money

[Thewholeshackshimmy]

Firstly, I love and care for my parents greatly.
I am 48, my dad 80 and mum 78. I have always been close to them and live just around the corner from them.
Although dad is in good health and still active my mum is not. She has a few health issues, the main one being that she suffers from Alzheimer’s. My dad has not coped very well with her diagnosis, he is angry with it and regularly picks her up on everything she forgets about and the things she does. He cooks for her but not much else, he seems to think if he keeps reminding her then she will do the thinks she is forgetting to do.
I check in on them almost every day. My dsis pops in twice a week and helps with cleaning (she runs her own cleaning company).
I organise everything else, all of my mums appointments, I arranged Attendance Allowance for her and I got dad a reduction in his council tax. I arranged for mum to go to a day centre once a week to give dad a break (I take her there and collect her), I organise and order mums meds (which are delivered once a month, I wash and blow dry her hair (sometimes my dsis does this too), I cut and paint her nails to make her feel better.
I don’t think she is showering as much as she should and dad doesn’t supervise her with this.
TBH as much as I adore my mum I don’t want to do any personal care, that just isn’t me I am not good with those sort of things. I feel guilty about this, I really do.
I will ask dad things like ‘is there any washing to be done?’ and I get a ‘How would I know??’ 🤷‍♀️ Yet I look in the dirty linen basket, which is always half full with his bloody clothes and I feel like saying ‘well you must have bloody put the stuff in there!’ So I do their washing too.
If I (or my sister) suggest that he needs to step up a little and do more around the house and for mum he gets all irritated and says he’s 80, he’s old, he shouldn’t have to do all these things!!
I have suggested a carer but they refuse and mum gets upset saying she is useless and wants to die and she doesn’t want a stranger in caring for her.
I don’t get any money for helping out and haven’t and would never ask. I haven’t ever asked my parents for any money and they have never given me any, even after my grandparents passed and they inherited money from them. I left home 23+ years ago.
Dad will give me £10 or £20 here and there as a thank you or offer me fuel, I ey occasionally if I use my car to drive mum somewhere.
I usually receive £30 for Christmas and for my birthday.
Now my my dilemma/AIBU.
When we were sorting out Power of Attorney and their wills I was quite taken aback at just how much money they have. I always knew they were not hard up as they inherited quite a bit from my grandparents will (mum’s parents) when they passed. They have a lot, enough to buy a 4 bed house and at least £10k each in their current accounts alone.
They spend little on themselves apart from food, bills etc.
Mum also has the extra £90 per wk Attendance Allowance which I got for her so they could buy things like ready meals to help dad or even pay for a carer a few times a week but it’s been sitting in her bank account accumulating since a year ago, untouched.
I have some on going health issues which are frankly ruining my life and making my day to day life quite hard and after endless NHS tests and visits to consultants and GPs etc I am getting nowhere fast and still suffering. I would love to see someone privately but just can not afford the fees. My dad is fully aware of my health issues but takes no interest and never offers any help, he just tells me that private consultants are just after my money and they can’t help me. I know Mum would have helped but as she has a five minute memory she would not remember anything I tell her.
I only work very part time, mainly because of my health issues and because I need to be about for my parents, dad facetimes me most mornings for something or other!
It does get me down that most of my friends parents are very generous with their money, even though most are no where near as financially comfortable as my parents. I know that if I had the money when I’m older I will definitely help my kids out, without a doubt.
So my AIBU is should my dad be a bit more generous with his money especially he knows I am struggling financially and health wise?
Obviously he is not going to be more generous with it but am I BU to think he should?

i think you need to organise a carer for her, daily or twice daily, just to check

@AzureTwist

If you had a week when you did’t answer your dad, didn’t visit, clean etc and then tell your dad you need to increase your work hours to earn more money how would he respond? He has the benefits to pay for care and is choosing not to. Either he pays you/dsis, uses it for ready meals or does it all himself!

Or he can cancel the benefit money as there are no additional needs?

Sounds like he didn't put the AA in place in the first place though.

YYour dad soundsin denial really it must be hard for him but he cant just keep reminding her to do things she'll get very frustrated and upset-either get someone from a charity to speak to him or the gp to excplain its not going to get better and they need carers to come in you just cant do it all

he needs to step up now noone likes doing household chores and hes probabl not used to it but its either that or a they go in a home

and agree, be less available

I think it boils down to his expectation that he has 2 daughters who can do it, so why should he pay? Isn't that what women are for?

I think you need to have a hard conversation with him and step back completely from helping. He isn't going to do anything while you are still enabling the situation. Your mum might suffer in the short term, but in the longer term it's better that she gets the proper level of help that she needs.

My mum had carers come in twice a day to do personal care - she didn't want any of us to do that (thank goodness). She only needed them for a couple of months after she broke her arm. They were really lovely with her and she became used to them quickly.

That's what the attendance allowance is for. It's really unfair that she's keeping the money (albeit without realising it) and you and your sister are doing all the care. That's not the point of it.

They are probably thinking along the lines of stock piling money in case they need to pay for care in the future rather than acknowledging that they need to use some money to pay for care now.
My in laws were a bit like this, both claiming AA but didn't use it for anything, then had loads of money in the bank when they died that no-one knew about. It's no good to them when they've gone, it needs to be used now to make life easier. Appreciate you are in a difficult situation though.

The only thing you have control over is the amount of help you give them. Yes I think they should be more generous but that's their choice. You can't make them do or accept anything. The most likely outcome if you pull backand use YOUR money for YOUR needs, just the way they are, is just as @TerribleZebra describes.

But thats what I think you should do tbh. That requires you to start saying no. Tell them that you are going to work more hours so you can try private care. You'll have to say no in every call. It's not going to be easy. I would warn both them and your sister that things are going to change. Tbh it is your only option unless you just carry on.

Your Dad sounds like he only ever wanted a life without any responsibility and is annoyed now that he cannot continue. He seems to be in complete denial that things have changed.

It's really sad that he is continually picking up on your mum when she gets things a bit muddled - this is very damaging to those with Alzheimers - it's much kinder to agree with whatever they are saying. Please take a look at the Alzheimers society webpage to find out more and maybe print out for your Dad to improve his understanding. I wonder if he is aware of how difficult things may become.

Please don't allow your Dad to continue to control the whole family. He might not like it but it's time to have an urgent family meeting and work out who will do what. He certainly need to be giving you the carers allowance as a minimum if he continues to refuse to have anyone else come in to help.

It's sad he doesn't even appreciate how lucky he is to have you.

rottd that is my concern, I think that even if mum ends up in a home he will still wants his washing etc done for him or will just ‘forget’ it’s there like he does now!
Winederlust I was in contact with Alzheimer’s U.K. lots in the first year of diagnosis and they were really helpful, they came and visited regularly, they had dementia cafes (which dad wouldnt go to) but since Covid everything, including the dementia clinic at the hospital has closed its doors and everything is online/telephone which is not great for elderly, less tech savvy folk!
alittlequinnine POV is between myself and dsis. I will look into CA but my concern is that once dad knows I am in receipt of it he will expect me to do even more as I am now getting ‘paid’, although imo, £67 for 35 hours caring is pittance.

My dsis is a professional cleaner and runs a small cleaning business with her friend. She has offered to come in with the friend once a week, every week and do a big clean but dad says it’s not necessary!
I also arranged for SS to come in and do a needs assessment for them both but that got cancelled, again, not needed.
This is what I am up against each time with so much.
Dad is definitely in denial about mums disease and holding onto his money as he is afraid it will all be needed for the care home, I believe that in his head he is thinking he needs to keep it all and to spend very little.
He is getting worse, he was whinging yesterday that he had to park in an ark park which was £2 per hour lol!

His behaviour is quite rancid, and you and your sister are letting him get away with it

This may be true, but at 80-odd it's unlikely to change, and as long as DF has capacity he can more or less behave as he wants towards OP

That just leaves the issue of what she chooses to do about it, and while being given money might help with the financials I suspect she'd probably trade it for a LOT less hassle. Unfortunately it doesn't sound as if they're going to back off, so all she can do is force things in the way so many of us have suggested

My dad was the same. There’s nothing you can do but you are not being unreasonable. 🌺

You need to withdraw your help in terms of cleaning and washing. Use your energy on yourself and if you have to, on arranging gp appointments and stuff for your mum. Your dad sounds like a prick.

If your mum can't wash herself, he can't help and you can't help (i don't blame you) then someone needs to do it. She can't just sit there not clean. It'll make her physically ill.

I think you need to spell it out clearly -a lot of elderly people become very insular/grumpy and they honestly don’t realise the impact on yourself.Present it as either you help but get paid with the attendance allowance along with sister or you have to go back to work -It needs to be set out as black and white. My MIL paid £800 pw for a care home in the end and sold her house to pay her fees.A few hundred thousand is gone through very quickly if both your parents need long term care-which these days could happen.

Its a toxic combination of resentful parents not wanting to show any love to their adult children and yet wanting to be "serviced" by them (as a PP said he shouldn't have to fork out his cash when he has women on hand to do the work) - and FOG on your part. As for those saying he needs those hundreds of thousands for care just in case, the OP isnt suggesting he bung her half a million I think she'd just like to have, say, the sum of the attendance allowance or paid carers coming in.

The father is the one with sense of entitlement issues, not the OP.

Londonbrick that is exactly my dad. He has spent he’s whole life having ‘fun’ and being the joker he even ran a business with 20 staff but he didn’t take on hardly any of the responsibilities he let his partner do that who ended up with a stomach ulcer because of the stress!
I have tried desperately to get him to understand Alzheimer’s and dementia. I tell him regularly that by telling mum every day the things she has forgotten or telling me, in front of mum, all the silly little weird things she keeps doing is so, so damaging. I have been in a course myself to understand the dementia brain and booked my dad on the same course which was a local zoom meeting but he cancelled it saying he couldn’t do online courses. He just doesn’t want to know.

Yes he should be more generous, no doubt about it. However, if you let the resentment take hold of you, it will eat up your life. Maybe just do less for them and don’t let yourself be treated like an unpaid carer. If your health issues stop you working more, you can’t possibly do more for your parents. You sound like a lovely daughter, looking out for her mum and doing nice things to make her feel good. But definitely speak to your dad and tell him they need to get paid help as you’re not in the best of health and you don’t want to be treated like a skivvy. When I’m old, I hope I don’t treat my children like that.

I agree with the suggestions to start with a cleaner. This is what we did with my mum when her support needs began to outstrip what my sister and I could manage on top of our own work and family commitments. We also paid a gardner to keep on top of things. Mum found this more acceptable than a carer which she felt was too personal. The cleaner we employed was someone local who also worked part time in a shop - I will call her Liz. She and mum hit it off and with her agreement we increased her hours so she could pop to the corner shop if needed (we did the main shop) and make mum some lunch 2/3 times a week. When the time came that more regular personal care was needed due to her advancing dementia, mum was much more open to it. Liz was still paid to visit up until my mum passed away. She did light cleaning but was so much more than a cleaner. She would chat with mum, read to her, play her favourite musicals and towards the end would just sit with her for an hour. She made a huge difference.

Thank you DishingOutDone that is it. I don’t want £££’s I am fully aware that mums care will be around £2k per week when she eventually goes into a home, I’ve looked into everything. BUT I would like to be acknowledged and appreciated, I don’t want to sound ungrateful but the odd £10 he gives me here and there is a bloody insult.

If you have POA for health and welfare it's up to you to tell him that social services will be coming to assess, your dad can't just decide to cancel the visit, this is for the safety of your mum ffs. There will be arguments but you need to stand up to him (easier said than done), this is what happens to lazy husbands who let their wives do everything, at the crucial moment they can't just step up because they don't know how to or even want to. You need support too op, outside agencies will guide you, as you have POA maybe you could start with your mum's gp?

How did you respond to his request to book the appointment for the ulcer? If he can use FT he can book a GP’s appointment himself.
Honestly you need to start knocking these things back to him, also say for example, ‘yes it sounds like she does need an appointment- you will need to ring first thing in the morning’. Then ask him if he’s done it.
It sounds like foisting ‘wife work’ onto you.

I must say that mum is able to still toilet herself and does wash (according to dad!) but I don’t think it’s a thorough as could be. If dad can’t help shower her each day then a carer is definitely on the horizon but how we will get them in in the first place is hard?
I actually have a carer sitting waiting for me to call her and give her the go ahead. She is a friend of a friend, I’ve met with her. She is perfect and has experience with dementia patients but dad won’t agree and mum gets really upset when it’s suggested. She is probably late early stages into the disease so understands everything which is said to her. She just says that if it’s come to that then she wishes she was dead as she is becoming a burden to us all. It’s heartbreaking tbh. I bloody hate dementia and wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Could you arrange a cleaner to come in when your Mum is at the day care? You are doing far too much with no financial help. If you also have health issues this is a massive amount without recognising that financially.

My parents adamantly refused a carer until one of them ended up in hospital with a UTI and they were not allowed home until a carer was arranged (done through hospital and social services) and mobility aids etc.

It all happened so quickly (within a couple of days) and they couldn’t really refuse as the carers literally turned up the same day they came out of hospital.