To think my dad could be more generous with his money

[Thewholeshackshimmy]

Firstly, I love and care for my parents greatly.
I am 48, my dad 80 and mum 78. I have always been close to them and live just around the corner from them.
Although dad is in good health and still active my mum is not. She has a few health issues, the main one being that she suffers from Alzheimer’s. My dad has not coped very well with her diagnosis, he is angry with it and regularly picks her up on everything she forgets about and the things she does. He cooks for her but not much else, he seems to think if he keeps reminding her then she will do the thinks she is forgetting to do.
I check in on them almost every day. My dsis pops in twice a week and helps with cleaning (she runs her own cleaning company).
I organise everything else, all of my mums appointments, I arranged Attendance Allowance for her and I got dad a reduction in his council tax. I arranged for mum to go to a day centre once a week to give dad a break (I take her there and collect her), I organise and order mums meds (which are delivered once a month, I wash and blow dry her hair (sometimes my dsis does this too), I cut and paint her nails to make her feel better.
I don’t think she is showering as much as she should and dad doesn’t supervise her with this.
TBH as much as I adore my mum I don’t want to do any personal care, that just isn’t me I am not good with those sort of things. I feel guilty about this, I really do.
I will ask dad things like ‘is there any washing to be done?’ and I get a ‘How would I know??’ 🤷‍♀️ Yet I look in the dirty linen basket, which is always half full with his bloody clothes and I feel like saying ‘well you must have bloody put the stuff in there!’ So I do their washing too.
If I (or my sister) suggest that he needs to step up a little and do more around the house and for mum he gets all irritated and says he’s 80, he’s old, he shouldn’t have to do all these things!!
I have suggested a carer but they refuse and mum gets upset saying she is useless and wants to die and she doesn’t want a stranger in caring for her.
I don’t get any money for helping out and haven’t and would never ask. I haven’t ever asked my parents for any money and they have never given me any, even after my grandparents passed and they inherited money from them. I left home 23+ years ago.
Dad will give me £10 or £20 here and there as a thank you or offer me fuel, I ey occasionally if I use my car to drive mum somewhere.
I usually receive £30 for Christmas and for my birthday.
Now my my dilemma/AIBU.
When we were sorting out Power of Attorney and their wills I was quite taken aback at just how much money they have. I always knew they were not hard up as they inherited quite a bit from my grandparents will (mum’s parents) when they passed. They have a lot, enough to buy a 4 bed house and at least £10k each in their current accounts alone.
They spend little on themselves apart from food, bills etc.
Mum also has the extra £90 per wk Attendance Allowance which I got for her so they could buy things like ready meals to help dad or even pay for a carer a few times a week but it’s been sitting in her bank account accumulating since a year ago, untouched.
I have some on going health issues which are frankly ruining my life and making my day to day life quite hard and after endless NHS tests and visits to consultants and GPs etc I am getting nowhere fast and still suffering. I would love to see someone privately but just can not afford the fees. My dad is fully aware of my health issues but takes no interest and never offers any help, he just tells me that private consultants are just after my money and they can’t help me. I know Mum would have helped but as she has a five minute memory she would not remember anything I tell her.
I only work very part time, mainly because of my health issues and because I need to be about for my parents, dad facetimes me most mornings for something or other!
It does get me down that most of my friends parents are very generous with their money, even though most are no where near as financially comfortable as my parents. I know that if I had the money when I’m older I will definitely help my kids out, without a doubt.
So my AIBU is should my dad be a bit more generous with his money especially he knows I am struggling financially and health wise?
Obviously he is not going to be more generous with it but am I BU to think he should?

What are your health issues and how do they allow you to work your fingers to the bone caring but prevent you from.doing paid, contractual work?

@MadisonMontgomery

Is your sister in agreement with you about the situation? If so, I think you need to increase your hours at work and refuse to do everything for them. It clearly isn’t a case of your DF not being able to - if he can FaceTime he can make a doctors appointment, and if he can practice his golf and garden he can do laundry & housework. He needs to do it himself or pay someone, the same as the rest of us.

I had to take over the appointments as he was either not making them or making them an forgetting to take her. The same with mums prescription, he would forget to order them and then she would be going a week plus without them, she needs to take her dementia meds daily. I now order them and have them delivered directly to them.

@billy1966

Your poor mother and poor you.

Your father sounds like a very mean, selfish man.

You are being used by him as a skivvy, taken away from your children.

An utterly thankless job.

You are a woman so he expects it done.

If he is capable of working in the garden and shed, he is well capable of laundry.

Stop doing it.
Stop being a skivvy.
Stop being used.

He has a huge amount of money and knowingly uses you as a skivvy despite your health issues that could be helped.

I certainly wouldn't be used like that.

Pull back and tell him you have health issues.

So common amoung some elderly to feel entitled to their daughter endless time while they refuse to pay for anything, despite being well able to.

Your poor mother.

Stop doing it.

Thank you.

@alittlequinnie

If you and your sister have POA contact DWP and arrange to have the AA paid to one of you instead.

Claim the carer's allowance if you qualify - your Dad might never even know you claim it.

If you have the AA could you at least use it to pay for a laundry service? You could take the laundry home and say you were doing it at your own house but just farm it out to a service?

I know it's not much but it's a start.

I agree with other posters that the money can be really helpful to make sure you stay at home as long as possible - I work with people with brain injuries and I have never seen anybody's state of mind improve when they are moved from familiar surroundings to a care home.

I know it's easy to type it out and not so easy to sort it out though - your Dad's being a stubborn bugger - I agree to just cook and clean and wash clothes for your Mum only if that's what it takes!

I may have to do this.

Honestly op, I’m sorry but no, as much as I’d help my daughter. You’re nearly fifty years old. It’s not up to your parents to still support you.

@notaroadrunner the person I care for is not a parent but a fairly distant relative. I just happen to be her only living relative. She won't let people in the house (she leaves the key in the lock so you can't get in!) and as she is compos mentis I can't over rule her because a health POA only comes into play when you no longer have mental capacity. I'm glad you were able to insist on care for your parents, but it's not possible in all cases. I still do her shopping so she isn't starving I've stopped everything else.

Your dad sounds horrible and controlling

The person receiving AA WILL be informed that you have applied for CA btw

I agree op, and sadly there is nothing you can do about it.

My advice to those in this situation is always the same...

Sometimes it's better to completely back off as let the inevitable crisis happen because then they are usually "in the system" and it won't be you they are refusing but HCPs and social workers.

Seriously, for your own benefit, just stop.

I’ve been where you are except I worked full time and had no health issues.

I had to be very assertive and I told my dad what was happening. They had a cleaner who did the laundry and they paid. I arranged for carers and they paid. I arranged for a hot meal to be delivered each day, Dad said he was going to cancel it. He didn’t.

In your shoes, I’d go to see them with your sister and be very clear that things can’t go on as they are. Your sister needs, not to offer cleaning, but to tell them it’s happening. You need to organise personal care for your mum and, if you have POA, pay for it from her account.

My parents’ GP said to me that the time comes when the parent and child relationship has to be reversed and you’ve reached that point. You and your sister need to take control, difficult though that is.

I really feel for you, it’s an awful place to be and the only way is down. When it ends, the silence is deafening. 💐

It’s not up to your parents to still support you.

err @Bluntness100 how did you interpret that from the OPs post?! 😂

Bluntness100 fine that’s your opinion but I know that I will always support my dc emotionally and if I have the extra money financially I will help them out then especially if the have health issues. I don’t help my parents out because I hope I will gain financially I do it because they are my parents and ai love them., it would just feel lovely to feel appreciated by my father.

@Thewholeshackshimmy

Bluntness100 fine that’s your opinion but I know that I will always support my dc emotionally and if I have the extra money financially I will help them out then especially if the have health issues. I don’t help my parents out because I hope I will gain financially I do it because they are my parents and ai love them., it would just feel lovely to feel appreciated by my father.

Well you're wasting your time there

Blossomtoes we will have to sit down, with a list and make plans as we can’t go on like this indefinitely. It’s a horrible place to be, none of my friends are going through this, it’s a lonely place to be with very little outside support since Covid hit.

Try the cockroach cafe support thread on the elderly parents topic x

Artdecolover thank you, I will.

@Thewholeshackshimmy

Blossomtoes we will have to sit down, with a list and make plans as we can’t go on like this indefinitely. It’s a horrible place to be, none of my friends are going through this, it’s a lonely place to be with very little outside support since Covid hit.

I know. It feels endless. I was there long before covid and there are no words to express how grateful I am I didn’t have to deal with that. It’s very hard put your foot down with a recalcitrant old bugger like your dad and mine but at least there are two of you.

At the end I was running two houses, doing two lots of shopping, managing their finances and doing all their life admin - and that was with carers and a cleaner. They went into a care home in the end and I added up that it was taking 12/14 people to keep them at home by the end.

You can’t keep on like this and something has to give. PM me if you want.

Could you tell them you've had to increase your hours at work and take the extra time just to spend with your children or trying to rest / relax?

Also if you have a friend of a friend that is a carer that you trust could you speak to her about the situation and see if she has any tips? Would it work just to take her round for a coffee, unannounced, and then introduce her 'Jane is going to come round and help a few times a week' or would it cause a massive fall out? Sometimes people are more polite in front of strangers!

I think it’s really hard to understand from the outside how your situation has developed, as I would be dealing with it completely differently. But then I totally realise I haven’t lived through your family dynamic and experiences, so it’s not fair of me to judge your response.

I see this all the time at work; elderly people refusing help despite living in squalor/neglect, often with huge savings and enormous properties. Clearly unfit elderly and dangerous drivers still driving as family unwilling/unable to upset the applecart. Family members tearing their hair out trying to arrange help/ running themselves ragged to no avail.

There’s no magic solution; the elderly relative seldom chances their views voluntarily, it they were likely too, they would have done already.

The only factor you can change is your own response and actions from this point. We have been in this situation as a family, what worked for us was agreeing together on the next approach (which was against the family members initial wishes). But we felt their reluctance to accept the reality of the situation, and their indifference to the huge upset and toll it was taking on the rest of us wasn’t fair in the slightest.

Not surprisingly they weren’t happy to start with. But they adapted amazingly quickly and what had started as a massive dramatic issue quickly subsided to something mundane of little concern. Maybe it’s time to bite the bullet, decide what your red lines are regarding what you can/are willing to do, and face the inevitable short term upset for the long term safety of you all.

@Thewholeshackshimmy imo you need to pull back and insist your dad agrees to some paid home support. If you can get adequate help in place your parents may be able to manage at home until the end or at least near the end.

I've just been through a similar situation, my elderly uncle has Alzheimers, my aunt was capable of doing all the household chores, managed their finances etc until in the last year. She was then relying on me more and more. Whilst I was happy to help to some extent she did not make things easy. She wanted me to take her shopping rather than have an online shop delivered, wanted me to do their gardening rather than get someone in, same with cleaning etc. From comments she made she clearly expected me to care for them fully when the time came. There was no way I could have.

She would not agree to any home support as she was horrified at the cost. She was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer and died within 3 months, it has been a complete nightmare to deal with as they both ended up needing res care. The care for my uncle is over £3000 per month, it's turned out they have over £300,000 in savings and a house worth similar. It's beyond me why they lived so frugally and refused to make life easier for themselves in recent years. She often tried to "pay" me £5 for doing, for example, 3 hours of gardening. I never expected or wanted anything for helping but now, knowing what they have in savings, I find it quite insulting.

So you and your sis are running around for them, while their bank accounts grow fatter. DLA payments are meant for care, which you re doing for free.
You re right, this isnt on. As somebody said here, you need to be less available, and get some hobbies of your own