To think my dad could be more generous with his money

[Thewholeshackshimmy]

Firstly, I love and care for my parents greatly.
I am 48, my dad 80 and mum 78. I have always been close to them and live just around the corner from them.
Although dad is in good health and still active my mum is not. She has a few health issues, the main one being that she suffers from Alzheimer’s. My dad has not coped very well with her diagnosis, he is angry with it and regularly picks her up on everything she forgets about and the things she does. He cooks for her but not much else, he seems to think if he keeps reminding her then she will do the thinks she is forgetting to do.
I check in on them almost every day. My dsis pops in twice a week and helps with cleaning (she runs her own cleaning company).
I organise everything else, all of my mums appointments, I arranged Attendance Allowance for her and I got dad a reduction in his council tax. I arranged for mum to go to a day centre once a week to give dad a break (I take her there and collect her), I organise and order mums meds (which are delivered once a month, I wash and blow dry her hair (sometimes my dsis does this too), I cut and paint her nails to make her feel better.
I don’t think she is showering as much as she should and dad doesn’t supervise her with this.
TBH as much as I adore my mum I don’t want to do any personal care, that just isn’t me I am not good with those sort of things. I feel guilty about this, I really do.
I will ask dad things like ‘is there any washing to be done?’ and I get a ‘How would I know??’ 🤷‍♀️ Yet I look in the dirty linen basket, which is always half full with his bloody clothes and I feel like saying ‘well you must have bloody put the stuff in there!’ So I do their washing too.
If I (or my sister) suggest that he needs to step up a little and do more around the house and for mum he gets all irritated and says he’s 80, he’s old, he shouldn’t have to do all these things!!
I have suggested a carer but they refuse and mum gets upset saying she is useless and wants to die and she doesn’t want a stranger in caring for her.
I don’t get any money for helping out and haven’t and would never ask. I haven’t ever asked my parents for any money and they have never given me any, even after my grandparents passed and they inherited money from them. I left home 23+ years ago.
Dad will give me £10 or £20 here and there as a thank you or offer me fuel, I ey occasionally if I use my car to drive mum somewhere.
I usually receive £30 for Christmas and for my birthday.
Now my my dilemma/AIBU.
When we were sorting out Power of Attorney and their wills I was quite taken aback at just how much money they have. I always knew they were not hard up as they inherited quite a bit from my grandparents will (mum’s parents) when they passed. They have a lot, enough to buy a 4 bed house and at least £10k each in their current accounts alone.
They spend little on themselves apart from food, bills etc.
Mum also has the extra £90 per wk Attendance Allowance which I got for her so they could buy things like ready meals to help dad or even pay for a carer a few times a week but it’s been sitting in her bank account accumulating since a year ago, untouched.
I have some on going health issues which are frankly ruining my life and making my day to day life quite hard and after endless NHS tests and visits to consultants and GPs etc I am getting nowhere fast and still suffering. I would love to see someone privately but just can not afford the fees. My dad is fully aware of my health issues but takes no interest and never offers any help, he just tells me that private consultants are just after my money and they can’t help me. I know Mum would have helped but as she has a five minute memory she would not remember anything I tell her.
I only work very part time, mainly because of my health issues and because I need to be about for my parents, dad facetimes me most mornings for something or other!
It does get me down that most of my friends parents are very generous with their money, even though most are no where near as financially comfortable as my parents. I know that if I had the money when I’m older I will definitely help my kids out, without a doubt.
So my AIBU is should my dad be a bit more generous with his money especially he knows I am struggling financially and health wise?
Obviously he is not going to be more generous with it but am I BU to think he should?

CoronaPeroni I changed her gp surgery as the previous one wasn’t much help, this gp is not much help either. I rang the other day and explained that I am concerned that mum is losing weight, she eats very little and when she does eat it’s mainly muffins or biscuits, the gp came back with ‘well at least she’s eating something!’ I had to get really shirty with her and say that wasn’t good enough and mum could be malnourished. She agreed to have her weighed last week, she has gone down from 9.5 stone a year ago to now 7.5 stone. And they still aren’t concerned!

My DM went into a mental health hospital but presents very much like dementia. DF was lost without her there. He'd never done any housework as they'd organised life so that he did all the heavy stuff and she did the housework. I knew that if I started doing his housework, I'd be looking after two houses forever. So I told him that I was going to teach him what to do. I showed him how to use the washing machine and how to iron. I visited DM every day in hospital with him. I still visit daily, I do all their paperwork, etc., but I don't do their housework.

Having been in this situation twice in the past few years, the only way it works is to take a step back and force the issue. My mum used to moan about loads of stuff, so I would source solutions which she would refuse. Eventually when I stopped solving things and took a step back, she accepted carers.
PIL have just accepted full time carer as FiL was caring for MiL (both in their 90s), again moaning but not accepting solutions. Once we stopped offering solutions he then reasoned for himself he needed help.
I know it's tough OP, but you do need to step back and let him realise he needs help.

I don't think you can expect money off him but it's only fair to make sure providing support doesn't cost you money. So, sit down and work out what you sent looking after them over the last couple of months and sit your Dad down and say you can't afford this anymore and some of the attendance allowance needs to be used for this or you will not be able to continue. You must mean this and be prepared to follow up or there will be no change.

I must say that mum is able to still toilet herself ...

For now, perhaps, but that's unlikely to last and it might be wise to get something in place before things deteriorate further

All the advice as to "how" has already been given, but I would urge you to have a think about the idea of going away and them having carers "just for these few days" and then extending it. If even that doesn't work, all that's probably left is stepping back and forcing things

I'm sorry about your health situation. I think you need to separate that from their needs, and finances, though. You have to put yourself first, you cannot keep doing all you are for them, especially when you are not in the best of health yourself. They have the means to pay for help, which would reduce the burden on you, allowing you to rest and focus on sorting your own health issues out. Don't rely on your Dad to give you money for private treatment, but if you really want him to, then ask outright. I know that's awkward, but better than martyring yourself and building resentment.
So perhaps do the research on getting some at home help for them. Try to get them to agree to it on a trial basis, say you and DSis are not available for a couple of weeks to help out if you have to. After the 'trial' say you (and DSis) need to reduce your assistance to them because of your health and other commitments so the carers will continue to visit, even if it's just a few times a week. I bet your Dad will be grateful, even if he doesn't show it.

Zzzexhaustedzzz my sister already cleans when mum is at the day centre but it’s not enough, she wants to come in with her partner as they run a cleaning business but dad refuses each time.
Goodthings I fear this is what will happen to my parents

@HoboSexualOnslow

I don't think I know any parents that wouldn't offer to pay privately for their children if they had the money. It seems so mean! However, in my work I see lots of elderly people that need help but refuse to pay for it even when they have thousands on the bank. Frustrating.

A lot of older people -understandably- save money 'for a rainy day'. It becomes a habit. When my mother got to the point where she was doing this rather than getting things she and my father really did need, after a few gentle prods on the matter, I eventually got down to bras tacks and pointed out that it was now fairly p*ssing it down. We had a good laugh and sat down and discussed what it was sensible to spend money on, and she has arranged for a carer to come to shower Dad, and has, with our help, bought things like a lifting bed for Dad and next is a stairlift. She now considers that this sort of thing is exactly what they saved money for. [Mind you, she is a lovely and unselfish person, far older than your father, who is caring for my Dad who is nearly 90 and has dementia 24/7 . She'd never see anyone in the family needing help for medical costs and not offer to pay for it.]

Paying for carer support and gadgets like stairlifts and special beds may look expensive upfront, but provided they can be afforded, they cost only a few weeks' care home costs, so if it helps someone stay at home only a few weeks longer, it pays for itself. And most people would rather stay at home anyway, so it helps that to be possible.

brass tacks!

Is she getting out the house much? If she has a leg ulcer and is on the district nurse caseload it might be worth getting in touch with them and saying you are not coping. They can't obviously force him to accept care but may be able to strongly suggest (ie explain to him that she is unkempt and if he doesn't accept care and get her washed properly she will end up admitted with a septic leg ulcer or raging urine infection and once she is admitted she would be assessed as needing care anyway and could end up in a care home so be a lot more expensive). Sometimes a uniform does sometimes help with that situation in that generation. Also I guess alot would depend if she had capacity, which I would think would be unlikely after 4 years and with the behaviour described.

Honestly the situation you have been put in is incredibly difficult though not unusual. If it was my dad I know I would be sitting him down and not skirting around or gently sowing the seed for carer/cleaner but saying that I thought it was disgusting that his meaness and stubbornness was allowing my mum to live unkempt when she was always so lovely dressed and I would tell him I was very disappointed in him. I know that's not everyone's relationship with their father though so can't suggest that's what everyone should do. I feel like the chances of him falling out with you are pretty slim...what's he going to do when it comes to tea time or when they need a load of washing done? He's unwilling or unable to do it himself and unwilling to throw money at it so he will be on the phone all sheepish.

@Chikapu

Your parents need some proper help, your mum is not getting the care that she needs. Would him being more generous with his money make you help your mum with her personal care or is that still not something you want to do?

So harsh. Totally unfair to the OP.

As PPs have said, her parents are receiving government money to provide for their care and then squirrelling this away in a bank account and expecting her to do everything. I would be annoyed in your situation too, OP. I think the suggestion of arranging a meeting with an IFA is a good one.

@Thewholeshackshimmy

CoronaPeroni I changed her gp surgery as the previous one wasn’t much help, this gp is not much help either. I rang the other day and explained that I am concerned that mum is losing weight, she eats very little and when she does eat it’s mainly muffins or biscuits, the gp came back with ‘well at least she’s eating something!’ I had to get really shirty with her and say that wasn’t good enough and mum could be malnourished. She agreed to have her weighed last week, she has gone down from 9.5 stone a year ago to now 7.5 stone. And they still aren’t concerned!

Can you get back in touch with Dementia UK? They co-ordinated everything for my mum in the early days and actually gave me a lot of support with my own fears about her future. They visited regularly and assessed the care needed, put me in touch with suitable care companies and liaised with social services etc. Now mum is in residential care it all seems a bit of a blur but I was very grateful to them for their help in negotiating all the different agencies and departments involved.

I know I am bu to want money for my private health issues but I suppose my thinking is that I feel like absolute crap every day yet still pop in on them and do what I need to do, I may be able to get quicker help privately (I have currently been on a year long waiting list for a procedure via the NHS, a procedure I could have done in a couple of weeks if I went private) but I don’t want to have to beg for the money. My dad is fully aware of my health issues and that I may get quicker help privately but it’s never occurred to him to offer help even though the hundreds of thousands of pounds sitting in his account is mainly from my mums parents who also helped them a lot financially when they were alive. Won’t lie but that stings, a lot!! They got help but won’t offer that financial help to their own kids.

@Medievalist

If I were your father I would be hanging on to every penny. If your mum continues to deteriorate she will probably need to go into residential nursing care which will eat up their savings in no time.

^^ My parents were very frugal but had a lot of money in the bank when they died. They wanted to be in a position to pay for good care should they need it.

Your dm is only 78. Your df may need to find 10 years worth of care home fees.

Absolutely right 24 hour care will probably be needed for Alzheimer’s sadly and the fees in my area are currently £6,700 pm for 24 hour care.

I feel for you, OP. I agree you need to couch things in terms of what your DM needs, and what your DF needs. Bear in mind you need to look after your own health first - nobody else will.

Pop over to the Elderly Parents section (in 'Other') - you'll be in good company.

@Thewholeshackshimmy

CoronaPeroni I changed her gp surgery as the previous one wasn’t much help, this gp is not much help either. I rang the other day and explained that I am concerned that mum is losing weight, she eats very little and when she does eat it’s mainly muffins or biscuits, the gp came back with ‘well at least she’s eating something!’ I had to get really shirty with her and say that wasn’t good enough and mum could be malnourished. She agreed to have her weighed last week, she has gone down from 9.5 stone a year ago to now 7.5 stone. And they still aren’t concerned!

Have you run her bmi?

Tell the doctor you want some build up drinks lack of vitamins will not help her in any way shape or form (yes I know it won't improve her altzimers but im thinking overall quality of life here)

You have to either be straight with your dad and say you want payment for the help you are giving them or he needs to pay for carers/cleaners/drivers etc. The second one is the best.
This situation will only get worse.

to me its not about should your dad be more generous with his cash in helping you for a private consultant , its that their cash should be getting used to pay for a carer to help them both , it is taking the mickey that your dad knows your in poor health and yet will continue to see you suffer whilst running about taking care of them because they wont pay for it .
its also a major piss take that they claim that allowance and yet dont use it , there must be loads of elderly who would love to have that cash and would put it to use
as others have pointed out above its very likely that to avoid a nursing home they are relying on you instead which isnt fair .
maybe dad is holding onto the cash so they can save for a nice nursing home in the event , but again , its not fair expecting you to flog yourself around them just so they can save their pennies
the only way out of this is to say that you wont be able to help nearly as much as you need to work more hours , need more money and your health is declining so need to save for a private consultant , i expect you will get guilt tripped to death , but honestly if you dont get tough with them ,you might wind up like a hamster on an endless wheel , forever having to go around there . which whould be fine if they didnt have the cash to get the help . but they do which makes all the difference ,
it always amazes me how the elderly expect their adult children to care for them to this extent . is this why we have our children ? i didnt think so . i wont be expecting my dd when shes an adult to be caring for me and doing all my chores to boot , id actually rather be in a nursing home than see her run ragged trying to juggle a house , kids and a job as well as me

If you are doing the caring then you should get the attendance allowance why don't you talk to your dad about it then you won't feel resentful for all the jobs you are doing. Yanbu to ask

Op - I would just ask him for it outright in your shoes. Suggest treating it as a loan perhaps and stress that your continued health problem will limit your ability to provide help.

You lose nothing.

I do sympathise. As I said earlier, my dm counted every penny. Got me and dsis to contribute towards house repairs etc. Never ever offered us any financial help even when she knew we were struggling. She never revealed anything about her financial situation. When she died, in addition to owning her house, she had about £140k in the bank. But I just know she saw her savings as some sort of cushion/protection for future care needs. As it was, she spent 3 years in a care home and her pensions covered 75% of the fees.

OP, my DM was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at 55, DF was same age. I had moved back into their home a year or so earlier with baby DD after splitting from exDH. DF was WFH own business. I was there 8 years in total and ended up working for him as his secretary, at his beck and call 24/7, gradually ending up doing all the housework, meals, shopping, ironing, caring for DM, washing her and trying to raise DD. DS and DB living their own lives miles away left me to it apart from the occasional visit. I was very isolated, had no friends in the area and if I had wanted to go out DF wouldn't have wanted anyone in the house to babysit. DF was in complete denial until DM had a mild stroke at home and SS got involved. After that we were offered help, carers and occasional daycare at a centre all of which he turned down as he felt we were coping and he didn't want strangers in the house. His life had hardly changed apart from a few small in-conveniences. DM was very aware what was happening to her and very angry at it for years. It wasn't until I started seeing exDH when he visited DD and decided to reconcile and move out that it spurred him into action. I moved back to exDH several hours away, he begged me not to go and leave him alone with her. After I left he went back to GP and asked for help, arranged occasional respite care, daycare a few days a week and started cleaning etc and coped very well until DM died 8 years later.
The guilt then and now years later was incredible but I eventually had to leave for my own sanity and to have my own life. I was in my 20's and could see myself still there with no life for years to come.

You could, though it is drastic, decide with your sis that if your father refuses to help you and your sis persuade your mum to have a carer/cleaner/helper, you two will only do things for your mother. So you'll do her washing, not his, for example.
We started, as another poster suggested, by persuading my parents to have a cleaner. As lots of perfectly fit people have one, we were able to push the idea as one of convenience and time saving without harping on incapacity.
W.r.t. carers coming in, in the end, when we'd tried every other argument, we persuaded Dad to have a carer come into shower him (Mum wanted this too, but he didn't) by pointing out the plain fact that if Mum continued to do it, one day she'd slip and fall and hurt herself and then he'd have to go into care, as we lived too far away then to be able to plug the gap and all had jobs we couldn't leave. It wasn't a threat, it was simple fact, which had to be faced. We suggested he tried it just on a trial basis, which he did, and he is now fine with it.

@Thewholeshackshimmy
You say your Dad misses the golf? Could your sister take him out to golf club and then while he is playing golf she goes back and does the cleaning?

As for the carer - I think you and sis need to be away same time on holiday and introduce carer then

I totally sympathise with you . For years I have been coping with my parents affairs but as they have only some savings they have 4 care visits for my mum . I eventually persuaded them to move into an extra care flat closer to me and my sibling where it became obvious that they needed more help than the hours they were getting . In the end we came to an agreement that my sister would reduce her own work hours and she does the care and cleaning side and we pay her out of the attendance allowance ( she has gone self employed ) and I do all the other stuff medical / financial etc . I don’t get paid as I am in a better financial position . But it’s hard work . And tbh my dad is not grateful ( mum is )

I am not good at the care stuff ( and run my own business and don’t have much time ) and my sister is not so good at the financials

The way I look at it is they can afford to have cleaners and helpers but they won’t ( above carers for Mum). So they have to pay my sister .

If they don’t mum will end up in a care home earlier and we are doing everything to keep them together .

I am afraid if dad moans about things we just ignore him . We know we are doing our best and that’s all we can do .

To all those saying that savings are for care home fees, I'd like to point out that wise spending of savings and AA can prevent people going into care homes until much later in their illness, sometimes even at all. And can make the sufferer and those living with/caring for them a lot less stressful, and in the case of some matters like stairlifts etc, much safer too.
Which is surely better all round?