To think my dad could be more generous with his money

[Thewholeshackshimmy]

Firstly, I love and care for my parents greatly.
I am 48, my dad 80 and mum 78. I have always been close to them and live just around the corner from them.
Although dad is in good health and still active my mum is not. She has a few health issues, the main one being that she suffers from Alzheimer’s. My dad has not coped very well with her diagnosis, he is angry with it and regularly picks her up on everything she forgets about and the things she does. He cooks for her but not much else, he seems to think if he keeps reminding her then she will do the thinks she is forgetting to do.
I check in on them almost every day. My dsis pops in twice a week and helps with cleaning (she runs her own cleaning company).
I organise everything else, all of my mums appointments, I arranged Attendance Allowance for her and I got dad a reduction in his council tax. I arranged for mum to go to a day centre once a week to give dad a break (I take her there and collect her), I organise and order mums meds (which are delivered once a month, I wash and blow dry her hair (sometimes my dsis does this too), I cut and paint her nails to make her feel better.
I don’t think she is showering as much as she should and dad doesn’t supervise her with this.
TBH as much as I adore my mum I don’t want to do any personal care, that just isn’t me I am not good with those sort of things. I feel guilty about this, I really do.
I will ask dad things like ‘is there any washing to be done?’ and I get a ‘How would I know??’ 🤷‍♀️ Yet I look in the dirty linen basket, which is always half full with his bloody clothes and I feel like saying ‘well you must have bloody put the stuff in there!’ So I do their washing too.
If I (or my sister) suggest that he needs to step up a little and do more around the house and for mum he gets all irritated and says he’s 80, he’s old, he shouldn’t have to do all these things!!
I have suggested a carer but they refuse and mum gets upset saying she is useless and wants to die and she doesn’t want a stranger in caring for her.
I don’t get any money for helping out and haven’t and would never ask. I haven’t ever asked my parents for any money and they have never given me any, even after my grandparents passed and they inherited money from them. I left home 23+ years ago.
Dad will give me £10 or £20 here and there as a thank you or offer me fuel, I ey occasionally if I use my car to drive mum somewhere.
I usually receive £30 for Christmas and for my birthday.
Now my my dilemma/AIBU.
When we were sorting out Power of Attorney and their wills I was quite taken aback at just how much money they have. I always knew they were not hard up as they inherited quite a bit from my grandparents will (mum’s parents) when they passed. They have a lot, enough to buy a 4 bed house and at least £10k each in their current accounts alone.
They spend little on themselves apart from food, bills etc.
Mum also has the extra £90 per wk Attendance Allowance which I got for her so they could buy things like ready meals to help dad or even pay for a carer a few times a week but it’s been sitting in her bank account accumulating since a year ago, untouched.
I have some on going health issues which are frankly ruining my life and making my day to day life quite hard and after endless NHS tests and visits to consultants and GPs etc I am getting nowhere fast and still suffering. I would love to see someone privately but just can not afford the fees. My dad is fully aware of my health issues but takes no interest and never offers any help, he just tells me that private consultants are just after my money and they can’t help me. I know Mum would have helped but as she has a five minute memory she would not remember anything I tell her.
I only work very part time, mainly because of my health issues and because I need to be about for my parents, dad facetimes me most mornings for something or other!
It does get me down that most of my friends parents are very generous with their money, even though most are no where near as financially comfortable as my parents. I know that if I had the money when I’m older I will definitely help my kids out, without a doubt.
So my AIBU is should my dad be a bit more generous with his money especially he knows I am struggling financially and health wise?
Obviously he is not going to be more generous with it but am I BU to think he should?

United front between you and your sister. You won’t be able to take on their housework, washing or personal care, so it’s time for him to pay for a cleaner and someone to help your mum.

Frame it as ‘You’re under a lot of pressure, Dad, and you deserve to have some help around the house. I’m not well and getting worse and sis can’t take it all on, so let’s get a cleaner set up and use your attendance allowance.’

Make it about his needs not yours or your mum’s. If he’s a selfish sort that will work better than appealing to his better nature.

My Dad is a careful man with his money, always has been.

But he still pays my sister an amount of money every week to help her out financially, because she doesn't work full time because she needs to be around to help him out. He knows that - he knows he's stopping her from getting full time work - so he pays her to recompense for that.

If she needed money for private health issues, it would rather depend on what they were and whether or not he thought it would be worth it, I guess - but if it stopped her from helping him/ caring for him then he would help her pay for it.

My suggestion to you, therefore, is that you point out that your health issues are preventing you from being able to help your father (and mother too, obvs) out as much as you could, because it's getting too difficult for you. Might galvanise him, since simple generosity is beyond him.

It's so interesting how many people of that generation grew up saving for a rainy day, and yet will not acknowledge that it's now raining and they need to spend some of that money

DGM kept saying how she was saving so that her children and grandchildren could have it when she goes. Spent her life shopping in charity shops and spending nothing. The whole lot, including the house, was eaten up by care fees as she ended up in a home for the last 3 years of her life. (Not that I don’t think her money should have been spent caring for her btw, just that, for a decade before she went into the home DM ran herself ragged and struggled financially like op)

Hi there OP - I really feel for you what an awful situation.

You mention that you sorted out POA for them - if you have POA for your Mum you can arrange to have the attendance allowance paid to you. If it's joint and several with your Dad it'll be more tricky because he would have to agree too.

Many people have said you can claim for carer's allowance - you can but only if your income is less than about £105 per week - not sure if that's the case for you?

Again - I think that the person now receiving the AA has to say that you do care for them more than 35 hours per week so that might prove tricky again if your Dad has to agree.

However, I agree with pervious posters - you had to stop doing washing and cleaning and insist that the AA is used for these things - exactly what it is intended for.

Your Dad saying your Mum isn't ready for a carer yet is clearly not true -- she is ready for a carer - and has one - you!

I agree also with other posters - they may as well spend some of the money now because it will all go in care fees if she deteriorates more and more.

What a terrible situation - you sound like a very good daughter though - which is why your Dad is taking advantage - could you not get your Mum to see that she does need a carer so she doesn't get upset about the prospect - also offer to advertise and interview with her so she gets to decide herself? ... although I know difficult with memory loss..

Tell your Dad the Attendance allowance is to pay towards your Mam care and needs and since you are the one taking care of those things then they should be paying you with it. Otherwise it would have to be paid to professionals to do the jobs you are doing.

Find a cleaner who will also do laundry for them, tell your parents you’ve got someone great for them and that you’ll arrange online payment for it on their behalf. Tell Dad that you know it’s not how he wants to spend gis time so it’ll make life easier for everyone. Get Dsis to hell in other ways in the time she’d usually have been cleaning for them (bills, paperwork admin, minor repairs, take Mum out somewhere for the afternoon, whatever - the stuff it’s best for family to do, where cleaning is something anyone can come in and deal with).
Stop being as available- they get family help every second day at most, either you or your DS. If it’s not enough, then they need someone to come in on a paid basis.

If all else fails, tell your Dad that you can’t afford to miss out on paid work anymore.

The AA is for care costs and other expenses. Why claim it then not use it. Time to be cruel to be kind if you’re mum is starting to smell because she’s not washing often enough or maybe she is starting having continent issues and needs more attention. It’s neglect not to arrange for someone to do this is he’s unable to do it for her.

Does he wants social services to step in and sort home carers and then he have huge bill to pay? Sooner or later she will need a lot more care. If it’s importNt for your mum and dad that she lives at home for as long as possible where she feels comfortable he needs to be using the resources he’s been giving.

No one wants carers coming in. I’m a younger disabled adult it was huge step but I don’t have family and even if I did I wouldn’t dream of making family member’s do it for free.

Hi OP. The Attendance Allowance is to be spent. You need to tell your Dad that it can be reclaimed if it is not being used to meet your mum's needs. You need to get a cleaner who will do the washing pronto. Arrange taxis to take your mum to the day centre. Organise online shopping for them. Frozen meals delivered from the specialist companies for a few days a week. Hairdresser to visit the house. Even if your mum and dad won't accept personal care there are loads of things this money could be spent on to make everyone's life easier. And you need to stop doing - the more you do, the more they will expect

My dsis and I have tried and tried to have the conversation about slowly introducing a carer but we get a definite NO! Mum isn’t ready for that yet, it would upset her

Then you both need to withdraw some of the help to something which has less impact on you. They clearly have the money to pay for help around the house including a carer visting regularly for DM. A professional private carer visiting could help your DM physically but also with other activities to inhibit decline.

Hard to say without knowing him if he is being a bit of an obstinate arse or genuinely in denial but as long as you and your sister keep propping up the status quo it won't change.

Also second the recommendation to see an IFA about managing the money - not so much about inheritance tax but you may need to make it last to get decent quality care for DM

It's a case of telling him you and dsis are going to find carers, not asking. We had to do it for our dad. While he'd said no previously we just did it as he wasn't capable of managing himself. He soon got used to it. You just need to be firm and tell him that all the help you and dsis give is not sustainable and your mums needs will increase. Tell him that money accumulating in your mums account is for her care and needs to be used as such. It might cause annoyance but that's better now than your health deteriorating and you having to suddenly stop all help. This way you and dsis have time to organise the help and then gradually back away when it's all in place.

Look for some work from home so that you can say truthfully - that you have a new job and you have less time to help them; but they have their attendance allowance and you and sis will help sort carers.

When your dad says he shouldn’t have to do his washing you agree and signpost carers/cleaners rinse and repeat.

You are going to have to be a bit tough with him.

Another option would be an independent flat in a retirement village. Your mum is only going to get more difficult and there would be care there on tap that can increase as your mum’s condition deteriorates.

Look into independent living in your local care homes.

I realise this must be very difficult for all of you, but it's the classic thing where they'll always find a reason to refuse help as long as you're doing it. Tell them you'll be working more hours and they'll just expect you to go round afterwards, mention your health issues and they'll insist they'll ask for less then carry on as before, etc.

One idea might be to go away for a few days and suggest carers "just for this period" and then expand it - it worked for my ex MIL - but otherwise the only real solution is to refuse until they accept care in the home. Not easy, I know, but there isn't much else to do

@Notaroadrunner

It's a case of telling him you and dsis are going to find carers, not asking. We had to do it for our dad. While he'd said no previously we just did it as he wasn't capable of managing himself. He soon got used to it. You just need to be firm and tell him that all the help you and dsis give is not sustainable and your mums needs will increase. Tell him that money accumulating in your mums account is for her care and needs to be used as such. It might cause annoyance but that's better now than your health deteriorating and you having to suddenly stop all help. This way you and dsis have time to organise the help and then gradually back away when it's all in place.

Yep.

You have to take control of the situation and become the parents.

I'd tell your father you are totally unavailable in future. Just mention those health issues that private consultants couldn't fix. Obviously your limited energy has to spent on your immediate family. He doesn't care if he runs your health into the ground as long as he gets what he wants. If he wants help he forks out for some private medical care. if he is not accommodating, after a short period, I'd report him to social services for neglect of your mother. Not to be mean but to make sure she gets proper care even though your father is a miserable old miser.

I think in their shoes I'd be keen to keep as much of my money as possible against the time I needed to pay for care. However I do think you should be compensated for your time particularly if its stopping you getting a full time job. You should ask you father directly to pay you a sum you think is justified. Better than relying on ideas of generosity which are subjective.

If you had a week when you did’t answer your dad, didn’t visit, clean etc and then tell your dad you need to increase your work hours to earn more money how would he respond? He has the benefits to pay for care and is choosing not to. Either he pays you/dsis, uses it for ready meals or does it all himself!

Or he can cancel the benefit money as there are no additional needs?

What a dilemma for you, OP! They really need to spend some of their money on easy cooking, cleaning, maybe a chiropodist, hairdresser, etc. My parents were almost the same, although not ill. They had money in the Bank, Building Society and a large house, but would NOT spend any of their money on it or offload it to me (only child). My mother said she did not trust me with money (I am only the most careful person with money and keep my eye on it and the market). The upshot was that they made no provision for IHT and I ended up paying the Government over £125K which absolutely broke my heart - almost as much as the fact my mother didn't trust me. Get them to do something to mitigate this NOW.

So sorry for what you are going through just wanted to add that you are now able to earn £128 per week and still claim carers allowance but if you earn more than that Carers Allowance ( which is approx £67 per week ) stops

OP I'm in a similar situation with a family member. All those people saying just tell them you've got someone to do their washing etc have obviously never experienced this situation. You cannot force adults to accept help. In my situation my relative is also well off but will not spend a penny on any form of help (garden, washing, cleaning, shopping). Her reasoning is that she will be well enough to do it herself again at some point. This has been going on for 2 years now. We cut down what we were doing for her to try and force the point that she wasn't coping. Her house is disgusting her clothes dirty and the garden like a jungle. I feel shit about all of this and still she won't accept any help. I also have POA but it's no good me paying for a cleaner if she sacks them (happened twice now) or refuses to let them in. My DH and I both work full time and we are at our wits end as to how this is going to play out. My guess is a fall followed by forced move to a home. None of this needs to be like this but unless a person will accept the situation they are in or the help they need there is nothing you can do.

If you earn less than £128 a week then I would claim carers allowance if you provide 35 hours of care a week for your mum. It's not a lot but better then nothing. They could clearly also give you the Attendance allowance or pay someone to do chores around the house, as that is what AA is for, not to sit building up in the bank.

@Suzi888

“I cant afford to keep helping you as I need to work more to afford to pay my bills.” Pretty much this OP. I’d also get a care package in place if you can, someone needs to help your mum with bathing.

‘Attendance Allowance is money for people aged pension age or over who have care needs. You may have care needs if you need help with activities of daily living, such as getting dressed, going to the toilet or having someone to look after you so you do not hurt yourself. It could include help outside the home. ‘-
The money isn’t meant to be “saved up!” That’s not the point of it at all. It honestly infuriates me that a lot of people claim it and shove it in a bank account, whilst expecting their children or whoever to provide their time and care for free. I used to process benefit and honestly the number of pensioners who have thousands in the bank and came in looking to claim more help/ more benefit/ more money/ more, more, more was ridiculous! rant over.

Exactly. Your father is being horrible and exploiting both you and your mum.

Would your dad listen to a man? Perhaps a suave man in his 50’s to come and talk to your dad about succession planning ie an IFA? And this person could tell him he’s at risk of having the AA reclaimed.

I would also be less available. You are damaging your health and your father. Well, I could say what I think. But it would be most unpleasant. I have very poor health and disability btw so I get it. Needless to say it is disgusting he isn’t giving you the AA at the very least.

@MrsSkylerWhite

If I were your father I would be hanging on to every penny. If your mum continues to deteriorate she will probably need to go into residential nursing care which will eat up their savings in no time.

This is what I thought.

But I'd also be a bit less available tbh. It sounds really hard, OP.

I agree that you need to take a step back OP, especially with your own health issues, and yes, you will have to have a conversation with your DF. At 80 he is quite capable of doing more around the house - does he really think anyone enjoys housework? - and why can't he make appointments for your DM? I agree with others that you and your sister should be getting the attendance allowance, it is not supposed to be saved by your parents!

However, YABU to expect your parents to give you their money, lovely though it would be. No-one should expect anyone else to give away their money if they don't want to.

Poor you. You are going to have to talk to him. There are clever ways of phrasing things though. Making it seem like he's winning!