To think my dad could be more generous with his money

[Thewholeshackshimmy]

Firstly, I love and care for my parents greatly.
I am 48, my dad 80 and mum 78. I have always been close to them and live just around the corner from them.
Although dad is in good health and still active my mum is not. She has a few health issues, the main one being that she suffers from Alzheimer’s. My dad has not coped very well with her diagnosis, he is angry with it and regularly picks her up on everything she forgets about and the things she does. He cooks for her but not much else, he seems to think if he keeps reminding her then she will do the thinks she is forgetting to do.
I check in on them almost every day. My dsis pops in twice a week and helps with cleaning (she runs her own cleaning company).
I organise everything else, all of my mums appointments, I arranged Attendance Allowance for her and I got dad a reduction in his council tax. I arranged for mum to go to a day centre once a week to give dad a break (I take her there and collect her), I organise and order mums meds (which are delivered once a month, I wash and blow dry her hair (sometimes my dsis does this too), I cut and paint her nails to make her feel better.
I don’t think she is showering as much as she should and dad doesn’t supervise her with this.
TBH as much as I adore my mum I don’t want to do any personal care, that just isn’t me I am not good with those sort of things. I feel guilty about this, I really do.
I will ask dad things like ‘is there any washing to be done?’ and I get a ‘How would I know??’ 🤷‍♀️ Yet I look in the dirty linen basket, which is always half full with his bloody clothes and I feel like saying ‘well you must have bloody put the stuff in there!’ So I do their washing too.
If I (or my sister) suggest that he needs to step up a little and do more around the house and for mum he gets all irritated and says he’s 80, he’s old, he shouldn’t have to do all these things!!
I have suggested a carer but they refuse and mum gets upset saying she is useless and wants to die and she doesn’t want a stranger in caring for her.
I don’t get any money for helping out and haven’t and would never ask. I haven’t ever asked my parents for any money and they have never given me any, even after my grandparents passed and they inherited money from them. I left home 23+ years ago.
Dad will give me £10 or £20 here and there as a thank you or offer me fuel, I ey occasionally if I use my car to drive mum somewhere.
I usually receive £30 for Christmas and for my birthday.
Now my my dilemma/AIBU.
When we were sorting out Power of Attorney and their wills I was quite taken aback at just how much money they have. I always knew they were not hard up as they inherited quite a bit from my grandparents will (mum’s parents) when they passed. They have a lot, enough to buy a 4 bed house and at least £10k each in their current accounts alone.
They spend little on themselves apart from food, bills etc.
Mum also has the extra £90 per wk Attendance Allowance which I got for her so they could buy things like ready meals to help dad or even pay for a carer a few times a week but it’s been sitting in her bank account accumulating since a year ago, untouched.
I have some on going health issues which are frankly ruining my life and making my day to day life quite hard and after endless NHS tests and visits to consultants and GPs etc I am getting nowhere fast and still suffering. I would love to see someone privately but just can not afford the fees. My dad is fully aware of my health issues but takes no interest and never offers any help, he just tells me that private consultants are just after my money and they can’t help me. I know Mum would have helped but as she has a five minute memory she would not remember anything I tell her.
I only work very part time, mainly because of my health issues and because I need to be about for my parents, dad facetimes me most mornings for something or other!
It does get me down that most of my friends parents are very generous with their money, even though most are no where near as financially comfortable as my parents. I know that if I had the money when I’m older I will definitely help my kids out, without a doubt.
So my AIBU is should my dad be a bit more generous with his money especially he knows I am struggling financially and health wise?
Obviously he is not going to be more generous with it but am I BU to think he should?

urgh I never get this mentality. They should spend it on getting help or helping you. what's the bloody point of money if not to help?

If they are claiming attendance allowance they should be paying for carer / home help. Make yourself less available .Explain that you need to work more to pay for private consultation . Explain in the nicest possible way that you will not be able to give personal care when the time comes so Mum needs to get used to having someone else around.

I wouldn’t even go down the route of carers allowance. It’s setting an expectation you will do a certain number of hours.

Your parents need to pay for help. Buy in some meals or home help to batch cook. Cleaner/laundry.

You should be receiving the entire 90 per week from the attendance allowance since you are doing the bloody attending (we’ll share it with your dsis, but the point is that it’s not being used for what it’s meant for).

You could just not go round for a fortnight and see what sort of a mess they get into. Tell your dad that your health issue is exhausting you and you need to see a consultant so that’s why you can’t go round. Sounds harsh but you won’t break this cycle otherwise.

We desperately need more help when older people get into these tangles. We ought to have professionals who can go in and talk to the family about options. Tbh if you mum has Alzheimer’s and your dad is unable or unwilling to do basic things like washing, they’d be better off in care together.

urgh I never get this mentality. They should spend it on getting help or helping you. what's the bloody point of money if not to help?

I think it's often borne out of fear. Certainly was with my dm. Fear of illness, incapacity etc and the thought that money might buy you better care when you can no longer manage in your own home.

He's not going to offer you anything, he's saving for that rainy day which is rarely recognised when it arrives, particularly by the person who's hanging on to the cash. It's here, dad. Terrible situation for you to be in and I feel for you, it's going to be hard going. All you can do is force yourself to be less available to them.

Your dm is only 78. Your df may need to find 10 years worth of care home fees.

Highly unlikely, the majority of elder people do not end up in a care home & for those that do they generally don't live more than a few yrs.

The bigger issue here is that your dad doesn't seem to be able or willing to care for your mum to the level that she needs. They need to get carers in, even just to make sure she is being washed properly.

In terms of the money, yet it is frustrating. My own parents are of a similar age, have probably €40k in current and various savings accounts, generous pensions that they don't spend, a house that's paid for - but still claim poverty . I think it's a mindset from when they were younger, they can't adjust to their new financial situation and still feel poor because they grew up poor.

Anyway, I'm not expecting any of it, but I do wish they would use it to make their lives easier, upgrade some things in the house that are falling apart, get some handymen in to fix things etc. instead of expecting me and my sister to run round after them and guilting us if we don't. Very frustrating.

If you are struggling, you should pull back and tell your dad to organise outside help since they can so obviously afford it. Especially if you are struggling with your own health.

@longwayoff

He's not going to offer you anything, he's saving for that rainy day which is rarely recognised when it arrives, particularly by the person who's hanging on to the cash. It's here, dad. Terrible situation for you to be in and I feel for you, it's going to be hard going. All you can do is force yourself to be less available to them.

It's so interesting how many people of that generation grew up saving for a rainy day, and yet will not acknowledge that it's now raining and they need to spend some of that money.

My uncle is the same as my parents, sitting on tens of thousands yet lives in a house that is dilapidated, won't get the hearing aid he needs, won't replace his car that is falling apart.

What the hell was all that saving for? Grrr.

OP I find being brutally honest is the only way to go - I am in a position now where my elderly parents have needed my help over the last few months due to my dm being very ill. I am happy to help cook/shop, I have shown my df how to work the washing machine and for a few weeks did the cleaning, I too have a chronic health condition and am hurtling towards 60 at an alarming rate I had to make it very clear that they needed to pay for a cleaning lady and a chriopodist (sp?) I WILL NOT TOUCH THEIR FEET!!!! shudder!

They have done everything I said, they can afford it and recognise that I have a life too. I also made the situation very clear to my brothers, just because I am the daughter all this does not fall on to me!

I advise you to do the same, keep strong and TELL them what is going to happen, you too should be living your life.

It’s sad but these conversations need to be had before people get elderly. My parents (same age as yours) are overwhelmed by everything - all the bills etc and small everyday tasks that they need to do to run a home. They are no longer on top of their finances and can’t make decisions any more.

Could you say, you need some extra help now and you don’t want carers, how about I do it and you pay me instead?

The attendance allowance should be used to pay for help. Cleaner, home hairdressing, laundry etc. That's the point of it.

You need to ignore the money and do less to protect your health

Re the personal care, it sounds like they need to get someone in to do it if your mother can’t look after herself and your father isn’t doing it. There will come a stage where they won’t have the choice.

Thank you all.
I really don’t want to come across as money grabbing in any way as, like I say, I have never asked for money I hate asking. I give enough hints out lol but it goes over dads head.
He is quite a difficult character in many ways. I never saw that when I was younger. Dad was always the fun one and before mum’s diagnosis in 2017 he was always on the golf course or out on his motorbike, basically having fun. I really feel for him because his life has had to change dramatically and he is not adjusting at all but all,our life’s have changed due to this diagnosis and it pisses me off that he seems to naturally expect my dsis and I to give up ours, especially mine as I’m the eldest and only work part time but I have kids and want a life that isn’t just about caring for my parents.
My dsis and I have tried and tried to have the conversation about slowly introducing a carer but we get a definite NO! Mum isn’t ready for that yet, it would upset her. I honestly don’t know how we go about it.
And when we suggest he does a bit more around the house he gets very angry and says we just don’t understand, he’s old and can not do it (but happily does stuff in the garden or in his shed and ‘practises’ his golf out there). I mention that my fil has to do everything since mil passed last year and no one helps him (he is also 80) and I get a ‘well he obviously enjoys doing the housework!’
It really does frustrate me that the attendance allowance is just sitting there, I had hoped he could use it to say, buy lots of ready meals or go out to eat sometimes so the pressure on him to cook all the time wasn’t there. He did originally say he would spilt it between dsis and I but then changed his mind and there it sits accumulating!

I agree completely with @DrinkFeckArseBrick. Time for a difficult conversation. It's simple, you have health issues and already work very minimally, you can't use those hours for unpaid caring as it worsens your health. Either you get some compensation, or they outsource and you agree to two or three small jobs a week - I'm thinking ironing, their weekly shop (online, delivered), running the hoover round but that's it!

I just can't get my head around your situation OP and I'd be absolutely gutted in your position. I take it you're an only child too?

I think you now need to start prioritising your own situation - your health and your work - as best you can, as they clearly (other your father, as decision-maker) doesn't intend to look out for you.

I hope things get easier and you find a decent doctor who can help you out.

Sorry OP cross posted.
Tell him nobody enjoys doing bloody housework, so if that's his excuse then he can live in a hovel rather than his two daughters cleaning up after him!

God sorry OP but he sounds a bit of an arse!

I know we are going to have to sit dad down and be brutally honest with him but I also know it’s going to cause some friction between us all, he will get funny about things and we can’t have the conversation in front of mum because she still understands so much and it would devastate her. My mental health is already in tatters, I’m dreading it tbh.
But I can’t be at dads beck and call all the time, even whilst writing this he has FT me asking me to make mum a gp appointment tomorrow as her leg ulcer looks weird. Of course I’ll do that but it’s like I’m on call 24/7 and getting no financial reward to help with my own needs.

TrueRefuge I have a dsis, she cleans for them once a week and pops in on the weekend.

Go back to work full time and let him arrange care using the money that’s there for it.
You have your own retirement to think of as well.

thing is he's going to expect you to care for your mum so he can live his life, & then he will expect you to care for him. What about your life?

OP have you tried getting in contact with outside organisations, like Alzheimer's Society or Dementia UK, who might be able to help? Even your parents' GP or consultant/specialist (if there is one, not sure how it works following an Alzheimer's diagnosis)? They must see similar things all the time and might just be able to give some advice and support on how to tackle the situation?

I can see both sides.

YANBU to expect him to get more help with asttendence allowence or pay you to help him (and your sister/her business for cleaning) but YABU to expect them to pay for a private consultation for your health, if you were paid by them though and used the money for that then that would be ok imo.

I'd tell your dad you are going to have to work full time from next week and become unavailable. He needs to start paying for care.

Check you eligibility to receive Carer's Allowance:
www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/eligibility

Perhaps a change of terminology could help? So, suggest hiring a housekeeper, rather than a carer. It might be easier for your parents to accept?