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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner just sent this text. AIBU for being angry?

176 replies

Lan2020 · 15/08/2021 00:08

A quick back story first. I'm 33 partner 51, have a toddler and lived together 2 years (together 4).

Partner never been any support for me. Moved house pregnant alone, watched me vomit in bed when I had a sickness bug with baby next to me and walked away, I do all housework, get up with child etc. Partner has back pain so I make allowances (even pick things up off floor for him), however he's staying with a family member and he's been doing hours of work around the house. I've been suffering with pain over the last 2 years but still do everything, because he always said he's worse than me. I basically messaged him (rightly or wrongly) and said I'd rather he didn't tell me about the things he's been doing because it upsets me that whilst I have been struggling, he's not helped me and that I assumed it's because he physically cant but now realise I'm a mug. He can help but chooses not to.

It's caused a huge arguement. I'm a horrible and nasty person. It's decended into him yet again bring up that he supports the family financially and I should be grateful, not horrible to him.
He does pay the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is substantially more but his hourly pay is 6 times what mine is. Furthermore, he was the one that insisted we had to have a huge house because he said " I would never live in anything less than a 4 bed".

I've offered to work more. Said I'd happily work full time and pay half but he would rather me home with child and he can earn more in an hour than I do in 6.

So after my text this evening he sent this ...

"the way you like the 50 and 60s era you think you'd be happy but you want me to be a total house husband also and pay for the home"

Im so mad! I don't want a house husband who pays for everything!! I do everything..I literally just said when I'm in pain I'd like a little help and I've offered to work more and pay half.

I'm so upset.

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/08/2021 20:49

This is less a 'LTB' than a 'GTFO PDQ'.

More red flags here than the Russian revolution, OP. Unless you're happy for the rest of your life being an unpaid domestic skivvy and a sounding board for verbal and emotional abuse whenever he feels like meting it out, this relationship isn't salvageable.

Looubylou · 15/08/2021 21:28

Put your son first. Leave. You will find a way to cope. He is not going to change into the supportive partner you want. Expect him to turn nasty when you leave - prepare as much as you can without his knowledge. You do not need to be dependant on him.

Quitelikeacatslife · 15/08/2021 23:34

Oh my goodness OP, I keep thinking about you and worrying like last time You had a thread running and EVERYONE said GET OUT. And then nothing and back again.
WHAT MORE ADVICE DO YOU WANT
Just blinking do it
sorry for shouting.
It's not up to him whether you work or not, your child would be better in nursery coming home to you and his brother in a calm happy tiny flat than with THIS HORRIBLE MAN and TERRIBLE FATHER
He is not going to do full time care for his child
Does he still play on an Xbox for 6 hours a day??
Please let your next post be that you are making plans to go
PLEASE

Mybalconyiscracking · 15/08/2021 23:46

This is a new definition of “partner” , I’ve not come across before.. !

Mybalconyiscracking · 15/08/2021 23:48

We have a thing at work, lots of red flags makes blood bunting, this relationship is wrapped up in blood bunting.. just go!

BertramLacey · 16/08/2021 09:27

His age shows in his message. His mother was probably a house wife. Get rid.

Don't be ridiculous. Children born in the 1960s and 1970s were brought up in the second wave of feminism. I'm his age. My mother worked full time and earned far more than my dad. He's a misogynist wanker but that has little to do with his age.

Draineddraineddrained · 16/08/2021 09:39

@lan2020
You need to stop worrying about him leaving you and leave him. Just in your head, mentally, work out what you would do if, tomorrow, he told you the relationship was over and gave you 3 months' notice to get out of the house (which he could easily do right now, without any notice). Have the internal panic then figure out what you would do next, whatever that is - maybe your eldest would need to live with his dad for a bit, maybe you and youngest would need to move in with family/a friend for a bit while you get yourself sorted out, maybe you need to rent a small flat in a cheaper area, maybe to do that you need to relocate/find a new job . Figure it out and begin. Sitting helplessly and wailing about the mess you're in and how precarious even THAT is, is not getting you anywhere. Neither is sticking your head in the sand and hoping he will magically transform into a decent person. He isn't. He won't. You've made a serious mistake having a kid with him and letting him have all the power over you. So look at that with clear eyes and plan your way out. Anything is better than miserably living on a life made of sand that could be snatched away at any minute if he gets tired of you.

Job, home, child maintenance. Get it sorted. You owe it to your kids.

LitPearl · 16/08/2021 09:47

agree with the PP

It doesn't matter at this point what percentage of the housework he thinks you do or what size house you live in or who drove that decision.

The point is that he's always going to give everything you do the most negative interpretation possible and everything he does/says/thinks the most positive interpretation possible.

So do not lose yourself in to some big pointless ''court case'' about housework or whose decision it was to live where and spend how much a month on rent.

These details which you are clearly very caught up right now are not the point.

They won't save you.

We get it. You do too much, you can't win, he's horrible to you. We get that. Do you get it?

You're only 33 is that right? I left at 37 so it was hard to start again. But from the moment I left him, every feather I put in to the nest was for MY NEST. Even if he wasn't a dkick you'd be better off feathering your own nest.

Whatwillbetheendofus · 16/08/2021 09:53

Have my first ever LTB op. Life would be so much better without him

gingerbiscuits · 16/08/2021 09:53

@AtLeastPretendToCare

You’ve posted about this man a number of times before and repeatedly been advised this man is dreadful and you need to leave. You’re never going to have a satisfying relationship with him.
I was about to say LEAVE HIM! Then I saw the posts like this ⬆️ that clearly indicate you've had this advice before. Stop posting & start acting!!
notapizzaeater · 16/08/2021 09:55

You can write about it loads of times but the replies are always the same, he's not going to change because he has no need to, he doesn't want to, you're not going to do anything about it so why should he! Actions speak louder than words.

SprayedWithDettol · 16/08/2021 09:55

I’m not sure what you can possibly love about this individual OP?

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 16/08/2021 09:56

Leave.

Just that. Leave.

Your life is too precious to waste with that Twat. You don’t want to waste your little girl’s childhood looking after an extra baby. He sounds useless and don’t let your daughter grow up thinking that’s how she should be treated.

You both deserve infinitely better.

He deserves every sock he ever wears to slip under his heel.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 16/08/2021 09:57

Or warm egg Mayo sandwiches that give him virulent diarrhoea.

nanbread · 16/08/2021 10:02

You're still so young! Get the fuck out! He sounds DREADFUL. He doesn't love or care about you. In fact he seems to enjoy you suffering?

I'm pretty sure I've written this on one of your previous threads having said that, let's hope your children don't end up following your lead into similarly dysfunctional relationships you are modelling for them.

Ionlydomassiveones · 16/08/2021 10:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 16/08/2021 10:27

Book him a chiropractor and yourself a cleaner if you are intent on staying.

Justcallmebebes · 16/08/2021 10:32

You’ve posted about him several times recently, I think? What do you want to hear differently this time?

^This

Polkadots2021 · 16/08/2021 10:34

@Lan2020

A quick back story first. I'm 33 partner 51, have a toddler and lived together 2 years (together 4).

Partner never been any support for me. Moved house pregnant alone, watched me vomit in bed when I had a sickness bug with baby next to me and walked away, I do all housework, get up with child etc. Partner has back pain so I make allowances (even pick things up off floor for him), however he's staying with a family member and he's been doing hours of work around the house. I've been suffering with pain over the last 2 years but still do everything, because he always said he's worse than me. I basically messaged him (rightly or wrongly) and said I'd rather he didn't tell me about the things he's been doing because it upsets me that whilst I have been struggling, he's not helped me and that I assumed it's because he physically cant but now realise I'm a mug. He can help but chooses not to.

It's caused a huge arguement. I'm a horrible and nasty person. It's decended into him yet again bring up that he supports the family financially and I should be grateful, not horrible to him.
He does pay the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is substantially more but his hourly pay is 6 times what mine is. Furthermore, he was the one that insisted we had to have a huge house because he said " I would never live in anything less than a 4 bed".

I've offered to work more. Said I'd happily work full time and pay half but he would rather me home with child and he can earn more in an hour than I do in 6.

So after my text this evening he sent this ...

"the way you like the 50 and 60s era you think you'd be happy but you want me to be a total house husband also and pay for the home"

Im so mad! I don't want a house husband who pays for everything!! I do everything..I literally just said when I'm in pain I'd like a little help and I've offered to work more and pay half.

I'm so upset.

Leave him OP, he's a completely nasty guy who doesn't respect or value you. You only have one life and it'd be a terrible waste of it to stay with him.
Polkadots2021 · 16/08/2021 10:35

By the way your son will also start to treat you like this too, if you just stay, and that'll feel even more heartbreaking.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/08/2021 11:22

@Polkadots2021

By the way your son will also start to treat you like this too, if you just stay, and that'll feel even more heartbreaking.
This ^

Sadly he'll never change. He's done a number on you.

He lining you up as a future nurse when his health gives out... And this may be sooner than you think if he's already exaggerating his back complaint.

So...in order to move yourself towards leaving...

Start an ICK LIST... You can do this on a secret note on your phone.

Jot down in bullet points all these examples. With dates.

  1. Ignored me when I was.vomiting in bed with young baby.
  1. Refused to do x when
  1. Called me nasty and stupid when it was clear he'd been exaggerating /inventing his back problem (evidence:doing physical jobs at auntie X house..)

Etc etc.

And look at this reguarly.

Unless you leave, your life will be like this til he dies... This could be next 40 years of your life.

LemonTT · 16/08/2021 11:34

I’m not going to add to the long list of advice about the type of person the man is in this relationship. It’s pretty clear.

But I think a lot about this relationship is going unsaid by the OP. Particularly what it is she wants from it and from him. That context would probably give a better insight into why she feels stuck when she obviously isn’t.

This man is being pretty clear with the OP, he doesn’t want to the a SAHP and he doesn’t want to work FT to let her be a SAHP. He’s clearly not going to commit any further than providing a roof over her head. The OP for obvious reasons wants more. But it was never on offer from a 50 year old man who probably only wanted a young girlfriend. Until she got pregnant and this mess got created.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 16/08/2021 16:31

It’s not a waste of time for you to work full time and put your child in nursery, even if the family’s total income doesn’t change. You will have a full time job sorted, your child will have fulltime childcare sorted. If you need to leave or decide you want to leave it will make things much easier. It will give you control over a greater proportion of the family finances. The trap is that you shouldn’t be paying for all the childcare out of your wage. He needs to pay minimum 50% of it - it should be higher because he earns more but he’s a prick so if he agrees to split it 50/50 do it.

LowlandLucky · 17/08/2021 16:37

Lemon TT Thank you.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/08/2021 08:23

This man and his behaviour will DESTROY your health and life.

He is a VERY bad role model for your kids.

Please watch this... I think you'll find some helpful things.

Also Dr Ramani's YouTube video has LOADS of free helpful stuff...

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