My partner just sent this text. AIBU for being angry?

[Lan2020]

A quick back story first. I'm 33 partner 51, have a toddler and lived together 2 years (together 4).

Partner never been any support for me. Moved house pregnant alone, watched me vomit in bed when I had a sickness bug with baby next to me and walked away, I do all housework, get up with child etc. Partner has back pain so I make allowances (even pick things up off floor for him), however he's staying with a family member and he's been doing hours of work around the house. I've been suffering with pain over the last 2 years but still do everything, because he always said he's worse than me. I basically messaged him (rightly or wrongly) and said I'd rather he didn't tell me about the things he's been doing because it upsets me that whilst I have been struggling, he's not helped me and that I assumed it's because he physically cant but now realise I'm a mug. He can help but chooses not to.

It's caused a huge arguement. I'm a horrible and nasty person. It's decended into him yet again bring up that he supports the family financially and I should be grateful, not horrible to him.
He does pay the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is substantially more but his hourly pay is 6 times what mine is. Furthermore, he was the one that insisted we had to have a huge house because he said " I would never live in anything less than a 4 bed".

I've offered to work more. Said I'd happily work full time and pay half but he would rather me home with child and he can earn more in an hour than I do in 6.

So after my text this evening he sent this ...

"the way you like the 50 and 60s era you think you'd be happy but you want me to be a total house husband also and pay for the home"

Im so mad! I don't want a house husband who pays for everything!! I do everything..I literally just said when I'm in pain I'd like a little help and I've offered to work more and pay half.

I'm so upset.

Get rid and please stop having children with losers because they seem charismatic and suave or whatever it was. This is all surface shit.

This is never going to get any better, it will get worse as you get more resentful and he gets lazier and grumpier.

You and your poor DC deserve better than this and you need to leave for their sake as otherwise they will look at your relationship and think it’s normal.

Oh gosh, he wants you in the family house, to care for his ageing dad, and his son and then him in time as you’re a lot younger. I can see your life mapped out.

I’d go, get myself a two bed for me and my child and a full time job.

Wtf why are you with this Arsehole.

Tell him to stay where he is. It will not get better. He's horrible.

@Lan2020

He's definitely with a relative. 100%

I know I've posted about him before and I know I'm an idiot.

I just wondered if I was justified in being upset with his message or was it my fault for calling him out on his inability to help me. He's been telling me how horrible nad nasty I am.

The message is essentially irrelevant

You need to get rid of him.

Im obsessed with the 50s. I am a proud housewife, homemaker, houseperson, stay at home mum… whatever you want to call it, but my husband still helps around the house and is a very hands on dad.
Your husband sounds like a grade A dick.

[quote Lan2020]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop that's how I feel. That I should be eternally grateful he is with me and pays bills. Basically after his divorce he lived with his dad for 10 years. It's their childhood home (huge house, nice area) and he wants us to live there. Its only 40 mins away from where we live bit not practical as it's near a big city and driving to work is around 1hr 30 mins, my eldest wouldn't see his dad so much (his dad is great and always been consistent) and would have to change school. My partner moving closer my way had no change in his life but he's obsessed with wanting to live at his family home (his mum has passed away and his dad lives abroad about 8 months a year).

He also has a 13 year old[/quote]
So that is an emotion that you're allowed to feel. Gratitude.

That feeling is ok.

You already doubt your reality, asking us if the text should have made you upset. It did upset you. YOu are the judge of your feelings. It upset you. You shouldn't need to ask us if the text was an upsetting one or not. YOu are basically asking us if you have the right to be upset because he has trained you to believe that you have no right to be upset.

At the moment there's still hope for you because you create these posts to question he training of you. Something inside you still whispers, wait, what, I decide when I'm upset.

But one day, his training will be complete and youn't question that you have no right to be upset.

Moving to a nice little 2 bedroomed house with your child sounds the perfect solution. Look after yourself OP, because he isn't going to.

''I just wondered if I was justified in being upset with his message or was it my fault for calling him out on his inability to help me. He's been telling me how horrible nad nasty I am.''

Who are the judge of whether or not you are upset.

YOU ARE THE JUDGE OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE UPSET.

Whatever you feel, you feel. You're allowed to feel what you feel.
It's not wrong.

Why are you expecting to work through your issues through texting?

LTB

[quote Lan2020]@Quitelikeacatslife yes it is. I know I'm an idiot. I do. I love him and am insecure. I want us to be a family but I know its a terrible answer.[/quote]
Why do you love him?

He’s not even likeable

[quote Lan2020]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop he used to encourage my involvement because his exW isn't as hand on (apparently). However his son is now twch addicted and has a huge arguement with my partner if we try to get him to engage for 5 minutes, so I've given up!

I won't be moving to that house because it's not our home, I'd be taking my eldest to a place he doesn't want to be, away from his dad. Also, he'd expect me to give up work. We aren't married, so I'd have no security at all.

We are renting at the mo. We have to leave this house and are moving to another in 2 weeks. However houses around here are extortionate now. I culould nowhere near afford it alone. If he chooses to nto stay with me, I will be homeless with 2 children in 2 weeks.
I've started questioning his behaviour and he hates it. He thinks I'm being nasty to him and apparently he can't sleep and is stressed because of me. He said he can't cope with me crying I'd sulking, so I'm scared he'll leave me.[/quote]
Leave him instead

Why are you making your children live like this?

Can you afford a cleaner to help you out? I don’t think men realise how tiring ‘serfdom’ is. I am the breadwinner in our house yet I still seem to be on the hook for all the domestics and I would never expect DH to do everything anyway because it’s exhausting. My brother sounds similar and takes it as a point of pride he’s never changed a nappy for any of his 3 kids whilst his poor wife seems downtrodden and exhausted. He just can’t be bothered and he gets away with it!
If you can’t get out I’d hire a cleaner to take some of the strain and plan an exit route to be honest. He sounds totally unreasonable and it’s impossible to sustain a relationship that’s so one sided long term.

Tough love time. You've made some massive mistakes that you are now paying for, namely moving in and having a child very early in a relationship with a man you aren't married to and who you rely upon financially. And also embroiling your older child in this toxic dynamic. Your primary concern now ought to be your children. I'm sorry you're hurting and you love him etc but you don't have the luxury of indulging those feelings at the moment. You need to focus on your kids and removing them from this unhappy and unhealthy arrangement.

You need to assess your options. You won't be homeless and on the streets with two children, but you need to find out what support is available and take steps to access it. Do you have family? What is your relationship with your ex like? Would he offer any practical support given that his child is also affected? Find out what you are entitled to in terms of maintenance and benefits. Explore work and childcare options that would allow you to maximise your earning potential. Research cheaper areas to rent that would allow your older child to stay near his dad.

You need to stop wallowing and take action for your children. He may be a financially and emotionally abusive bastard but you are doing diddly squat to protect your children from him. Don't be like my mum, still moaning about it and desperately unhappy in your 60's. If you keep throwing good years after bad then that's where you'll end up and at some point your children will resent that you prioritised staying in a shitty relationship over building a new life with/for them.

@Lan2020

He's definitely with a relative. 100%

I know I've posted about him before and I know I'm an idiot.

I just wondered if I was justified in being upset with his message or was it my fault for calling him out on his inability to help me. He's been telling me how horrible nad nasty I am.

Op, the last paragraph - he’s done a fabulous job on you and has you second guessing yourself. You’re an abused woman and I hope you find away forward to happiness.

He’s an old man who wanted a subservient young wife. He probably chose you because you’re insecure. You’re more vocal than he thought. Do yourself and your DC a favour and leave this misogynistic dick. He’s not a great role model to your DC or an attentive partner.

You have one life. Please don't spend it being miserable when there is a very simple solution which you know.

Move out. Contact CMS.

Poor you, he sounds a right idiot

He's not an old man and his age has nothing to do with it.
This is not the norm for a woman with a partner in his 50s or even 60s! His mother wasn't necessarily a housewife.

You've got yourself a controlling and abusive relationship which you need to extricate yourself from. Everything he does is moving you towards his end game - you, isolated and alone, dependent on him, catering to his every whim, doing absolutely everything for your children and your home singlehandedly whilst he plays 'The Big I Am' doing favours and helping out other people. And everyone says he's such a nice bloke.

They walk among us, regardless of age.

@Bluebells1

I voted YABU simply because you're still with the bellend after all this.

Yes and mucking up children’s lives whilst you are at it. Time to be a parent and get your own home and make your own decisions about how much you work.

I don’t know.

There is a reluctance here to acknowledge the importance of financial contributions to a relationship vs time commitment.

And yet, in the workplace, people happily trade time for money, often a lot of time for very little money.

If you have a partner who can give you a lifestyle you would have no chance of sustaining otherwise, but they expect you to do the lion’s share of other stuff, it seems fair to me.

Of course, that does not excuse piggish ness, of course, if your partner is ill, take over as much as possible and look after them.

It is not a no brainier, though, to downsize and move to a worse area, and still have to do everything, just to make the point that your partner should be more egalitarian about sharing the housework.

The ‘earner’ used to be treated like a god, which was wrong. Equally, however, believing that a far greater financial contribution (6x here) buys you no extra free time is also a bit crazy.

YABU to stay with him. What are you doing??

You have two basic choices here:

1. Leave him
2. Put up with him

You want a third: Change him.

Sweetie that man ain't for changing. Can you imagine life with him in five years? Ten years? Twenty? He will only get worse because he is getting away with it now. If you're not in a financial or emotional position to leave now, get planning for a point in the future where you will be.
Don't be in this position in five years time.