My partner just sent this text. AIBU for being angry?

[Lan2020]

A quick back story first. I'm 33 partner 51, have a toddler and lived together 2 years (together 4).

Partner never been any support for me. Moved house pregnant alone, watched me vomit in bed when I had a sickness bug with baby next to me and walked away, I do all housework, get up with child etc. Partner has back pain so I make allowances (even pick things up off floor for him), however he's staying with a family member and he's been doing hours of work around the house. I've been suffering with pain over the last 2 years but still do everything, because he always said he's worse than me. I basically messaged him (rightly or wrongly) and said I'd rather he didn't tell me about the things he's been doing because it upsets me that whilst I have been struggling, he's not helped me and that I assumed it's because he physically cant but now realise I'm a mug. He can help but chooses not to.

It's caused a huge arguement. I'm a horrible and nasty person. It's decended into him yet again bring up that he supports the family financially and I should be grateful, not horrible to him.
He does pay the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is substantially more but his hourly pay is 6 times what mine is. Furthermore, he was the one that insisted we had to have a huge house because he said " I would never live in anything less than a 4 bed".

I've offered to work more. Said I'd happily work full time and pay half but he would rather me home with child and he can earn more in an hour than I do in 6.

So after my text this evening he sent this ...

"the way you like the 50 and 60s era you think you'd be happy but you want me to be a total house husband also and pay for the home"

Im so mad! I don't want a house husband who pays for everything!! I do everything..I literally just said when I'm in pain I'd like a little help and I've offered to work more and pay half.

I'm so upset.

Well... you either stay with him and accept this miserable waste of a life for yourself and your child, or you leave him.

There is no other option. He will not change and the relationship will not get better.

I've voted yabu because you've posted before about your awful situation and never seem to make any plans to leave for the sake of your poor child let alone yourself.

I wish we could help you to get out. This is a really toxic co-dependent relationship.

Have you thought about the next 20, 30 years?

Your youngest will be reaching adulthood as your partner reaches retirement age. He will expect you to carry on as an unpaid domestic help, carer etc forever.

This is it. You get one life. Is this how you want to live?

Right now you are only early 30s with another 30 years to build a career and a life as your kids get increasingly more independent. Please think about how you want your life to be.

Work on the assumption you are about to become homeless and start from there. You have two children to house - without your 'partner'. Make it work. The man is no good.

Don’t carry on wasting your time with him
Find somewhere you can afford to rent and do that
Ltb ASAP

YABU for thinking the text is anything other than the bigger problem. The text reflects his general behaviour which he reflects how he feels about you.

He sees himself as better than you, and is willing to put you down and see you struggle because he neither loves you or cares about you. Ignore what his words may say, his actions show you he doesn't care.

Make leaving him your secret project. Get your ducks in a row. Get a full time job. Get copies of paperwork showing his income. Leave him. How could your life possibly worse as a single parent?

You don't "love" him. You love what you want him to be. And he clearly doesn't love you or care for you.

Your self esteemed is rock bottom, and will get even lower if you stay with him.

This is a very dysfunctional relationship.

You need to leave. It will never get better if you stay with him.

I remember your previous thread.

He is still a dick.

He will not change.

You need to leavez

YABU for moaning about this again. You are the only one that can do something to improve your life. Either get rid of him or keep quiet.

He's gaslighting you. Leave while you still have your self confidence. Take your beautiful baby as far away from him as you can before his behaviour starts to affect their emotional development

[quote Lan2020]@Quitelikeacatslife yes it is. I know I'm an idiot. I do. I love him and am insecure. I want us to be a family but I know its a terrible answer.[/quote]
You've said it. You can do something about it - or don't. Your choice.

Just be aware that, if you stay, not only will your child grow up in a totally dysfunctional family, but you'll move seemlessly from being a mother to being his nurse. Given his 'back problems', there may even be some overlap.

But it really is your choice.

@Aquamarine1029

You've posted about him so many times. At this point you are the maker of your own misery. You know you need to leave him and yet you won't. This man is never going to change, so stop wasting your life.

This. You are making yourself miserable and I doubt you are scared he will leave you because you love him, you are scared about the lack of financial help. You can get help from the council, work full time etc.

But all this advice really means nothing as you won't leave, will you? So you have to shut up about it and put up with it. You won't leave so it's your own doing, you have options, you won't take them. Nothing anyone else can do to help you.

Please go and see a lawyer about what maintenance you could expect for your child if you leave him. You might be surprised. You’ll get nothing for yourself in your own right of course, as you’re not married. Make sure you have as much info as possible about all income and outgoings so your lawyer can advise properly. At least then you’ll know where you stand and can leave him or not, as you decide

You are pushing water up hill if you think he will ever acknowledge that you could work (and at 33 you have 30+ years to work and earn and save and contribute towards a pension ahead of you).

You have one child, so going it alone will in theory be harder but in reality it probably won't be that hard.

When I left I was instantly ''released'' from feelings of resentment in the moment at least. It was hard to detach. But you have your whole life ahead of you, earning potential going from what you say. You have a child, ie you're a mother, you have it all and he's the albatross around your neck right now.

Get out of this situation and don't waste your breath trying to get him to see or admit that he's been a dickhead.

Think of him walking away from you when you were vomiting next to your baby. His baby. When you were sick and needed help with his baby, he walked away

Now he is pulling out the full arsenal of manipulation. You're a nasty person?? Riiiiight.

What you're going to have to do, and it's hard when you have a child is acknowledge that you picked a wrong un. Join the club. I did too. Many of us did. It's not the end of the world though it is hard and unfair.

Good luck.

I meant to say you're pushing water up hill trying to get him to see that he's been awful to you.

I missed out a bit of the first sentence!

And you still haven't left why?!

Lana I have posted on all your previous threads.

I do understand that leaving a relationship takes some time, getting into the right mindset to do it, making arrangements for when the other will leave and all the rest. But each time you post, you are still seem to be in the same spot, but with more added issues.

You have a child. You will not be left homeless and on the streets. He may be implying such as its a threat for you to not leave.

I know it's a cliche, but life is very short. Think about how you want to live in years to come.

Nothing will change unless you make the change.

🤮🤮🤮
Ltb

You would be soo much better alone, really I'm a single mum, get a 16 hour plus job and the benefits will get you enough to rent.

Leave

Back again?
It's not long since your last thread where the vast majority of posters, myself included, advised you to leave.
What are you hoping to hear from us this time?

This man is a dick and you should leave him. Your life will be much happier.

See you in a couple of months on your next thread about his awful behaviour.

Why on earth are you still with this man, and had a baby with a man who you say has never supported you. He sounds absolutely awful and you deserve so much better. Get yourself and your baby out of this situation. Your life doesn’t have to be like this.

You’re being ‘nasty’ to him when you dare question his behaviour or show you’re upset. He doesn’t like that. It’s ‘stop making me feel bad’. He’s a selfish dick basically who doesn’t care about you.

You love him?
Why?
What do you love about him?

It is sad to read that you're scared that he'll leave you.

He is absolutely HORRIBLE to you and yet your fear is that he'll leave you.

I do understand though. It took me way too long to leave my abusive x.

I think what finally made me decide to leave was I was fantasising about dying, I didn't want to die though. But I thought ''If I were dying I could leave him'' and I suppose i also knew that if he were dying he'd let me go because he wouldn't have wanted to care for me.

So.......... shortly after thinking ''if I were dying I could leave him'' I had the thought ''I could leave him anyway.''

Are there ways you could raise your self-esteem while you're working up the courage to leave him?

Have you spoken to your baby health nurse?

I voted YABU simply because you're still with the bellend after all this.

@Karwomannghia

You’re being ‘nasty’ to him when you dare question his behaviour or show you’re upset. He doesn’t like that. It’s ‘stop making me feel bad’. He’s a selfish dick basically who doesn’t care about you.

Yes, you are being trained to totally disregard your own perspective and your own feelings, for his convenience. Your sanity is a casual sacrifice to his convenience.

I left my horrendously abusive x 14 years ago but I'm still a bit triggered by people who refuse point blank to hear me or people who only see their perspective or people who see their perspective as REALITY and anybody else's perspective as an act of aggression.

So the legacy of 7 years (in my case) with this type of abusive man who is training you to have no feelings and no perspective, it's very damaging to you and although you can work on healing, it's a process that takes time and you have to be committed to it and it can't start until you're free!.

I don't mean to make healing sound like an obstacle. Far from it. It's possible to enjoy the process of healing.

But every day that you stay with a man who gets angry with you for having needs and having your own perspective, that is more damage done to you.

Your core beliefs will end up fucked. Your core belief will be that you have NO RIGHT to have a need, never mind express a need. You will end up believing that you cannot possibly be the judge of whether or not you are hurt, ie, he will be the judge of whether or not he hurt you.
He will probably be the judge of whether you're tired or hungry or thirsty. You are being trained not to trust your own perception. Your core belief will be that you have no right to your own perception of reality.

That's a very damaging core belief to heal from so start asap.

You don't love somebody who's trying to erode you. YOU fear leaving because he's eroding you.

This is fear not love.