My partner just sent this text. AIBU for being angry?

[Lan2020]

A quick back story first. I'm 33 partner 51, have a toddler and lived together 2 years (together 4).

Partner never been any support for me. Moved house pregnant alone, watched me vomit in bed when I had a sickness bug with baby next to me and walked away, I do all housework, get up with child etc. Partner has back pain so I make allowances (even pick things up off floor for him), however he's staying with a family member and he's been doing hours of work around the house. I've been suffering with pain over the last 2 years but still do everything, because he always said he's worse than me. I basically messaged him (rightly or wrongly) and said I'd rather he didn't tell me about the things he's been doing because it upsets me that whilst I have been struggling, he's not helped me and that I assumed it's because he physically cant but now realise I'm a mug. He can help but chooses not to.

It's caused a huge arguement. I'm a horrible and nasty person. It's decended into him yet again bring up that he supports the family financially and I should be grateful, not horrible to him.
He does pay the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is substantially more but his hourly pay is 6 times what mine is. Furthermore, he was the one that insisted we had to have a huge house because he said " I would never live in anything less than a 4 bed".

I've offered to work more. Said I'd happily work full time and pay half but he would rather me home with child and he can earn more in an hour than I do in 6.

So after my text this evening he sent this ...

"the way you like the 50 and 60s era you think you'd be happy but you want me to be a total house husband also and pay for the home"

Im so mad! I don't want a house husband who pays for everything!! I do everything..I literally just said when I'm in pain I'd like a little help and I've offered to work more and pay half.

I'm so upset.

This man does not love you or your dc.

I'm sorry.

He said he can't cope with me crying I'd sulking, so I'm scared he'll leave me

To be honest, in your shoes I wouldn't be scared, I'd be delighted. Do you really want to live with someone who doesn't help, doesn't let you have your own opinions, and keeps saying how horrible you are? Is that good for your son?

I just wondered if I was justified in being upset with his message or was it my fault for calling him out on his inability to help me. He's been telling me how horrible nad nasty I am.

Well it's part of a pattern of his manipulative and abusive behaviour. You need help to see this, regain your confidence and leave him.

I remember your previous thread. He's even more overt in his abuse now. Choose peace and happiness. With a toddler there is benefits support and the opportunity to work part time and maybe improve your qualifications during those early years. This creature will not change to be your dream. LTB
I guarantee you'll be happier

Google Trauma Bonding @Lan2020

You don't love him. It's a trauma bond.

xx

So he shouldn’t have to do any housework whatsoever because he pays the rent. But he also thinks even though you do absolutely everything round the house, you should still pay all the bills?! So he’s got some heavy double standards that work in his favour, what a surprise.

You sound very passive in this, asking him if you should work full time etc - why? What about what you want? Did you want to be an older man’s skivvy, running around after him so that King LardArse doesn’t even have to pick up things he’s dropped? Is that really what you dreamed your life would look like?

@incywincyspidery

You have two basic choices here: 1) Leave him 2) Put up with him

You want a third: Change him.

Sweetie that man ain't for changing. Can you imagine life with him in five years? Ten years? Twenty? He will only get worse because he is getting away with it now. If you're not in a financial or emotional position to leave now, get planning for a point in the future where you will be.
Don't be in this position in five years time.

This is so true op.

3. is not an option. It'll never happen. I left my x 14 years ago and in that time I've become stronger, happier, got a job, passed my driving test, passed some professional qualifications, had braces, accepted myself, lost the anixieties..... and I suppose, without consciously knowing what I was doing, I ''projected'' on to my x that he must also have grown and healed and put it behind him. BUT NO, FOURTEEN YEARS AFTER I LEFT HIM he wrote our daughter a letter talking about your mother's twisted ways

He won't change. 3 is not an option. But to elaborate on options 1 and 2

1. leave him and slowly heal and grow and become more confident and have the chance of a fulfilling contented life in peace
2. put up with him and get ground down to nothing until you just disappear.

Your choices are really only 1 or 2.

I hope you're still reading :-(

Accept that you're in an abusive relationship. He's not who you want him to be. You don't love him, it's a trauma bond. You can leave but it'll be hard, not because it's the wrong decision or because you love him but because it's a bond. there are clips on youtube about how to break the bond.

I do t understand why you dont leave him. You're already doing everything, you'll have less bills to pay because you will have less people and can live in a smaller house, and you won't have to live with a huge level of disrespect, it sounds like you will have more time as you don't have to clean around someone else and presumably the toddler would have some sort of contact with his dad. This might mean a short period of being 'homeless' but the council will have to house you. Have you got anyone you could stay with, could your eldest stay with his dad while you get on your feet?
You say you've offered to work full time before, you need to look into this now

He doesn't sound like he has any redeeming features so not sure why you're with him?

He sounds horrible

I love this channel. It's all about the head stuff.

Everybody can throw a pair of knickers and a toothbrush in to a bag, but when you've been programmed to believe that you have NO right to a perspective and also probably programmed to believe that you OWE it to him to give him yet another chance. He can judge you and label you a nasty person but YOU must see the good in him even if it's 2% and you're 98% good. It will be flipped in your situation.

8 steps to leave a narcissist.

You say you love him. If that were true you wouldn't doubt the relationship and his behaviour so much.
Get this man out of your life. He is not worth it. It's pure DARVO.

He is a complete cunt - dispose of him as you would any other rubbish. That is all.

@ScaredOfDinosaurs

Have you thought about the next 20, 30 years?

Your youngest will be reaching adulthood as your partner reaches retirement age. He will expect you to carry on as an unpaid domestic help, carer etc forever.

This is it. You get one life. Is this how you want to live?

Right now you are only early 30s with another 30 years to build a career and a life as your kids get increasingly more independent. Please think about how you want your life to be.

This 100 times over!! He's setting you up to be his carer down the line- even if he doesn't say it.

Do you think he will be kinder to you at 70?
Doubt it.

@SpeakingFranglais

Oh gosh, he wants you in the family house, to care for his ageing dad, and his son and then him in time as you’re a lot younger. I can see your life mapped out.

I’d go, get myself a two bed for me and my child and a full time job.

This - with no security whatsoever, and expected to give up work for the privilege of being their stay at home slave for he next however many years.

Respectfully and gently, wise up. You are worth better than this. Your children didn’t sign up for any of this.

The text isn't the issue.
Seriously you have one life. Is this really yours?

What do you want from posting on MN? You seem to ignore any advice and you continue to be with this person who treats you like shit. We can’t help you. You need to sort this out yourself. Leave or stay. Whatever. Nobody on here actually cares anymore.

Thank you all for the replies. I've not had a chance to read them as I've been busy with the children and off out shortly. I shall read them all shortly though.

Quick update. I read the messages he sent last night and he said that I obviously expect him to do all the housework and pay all the bills!
I literally do everything. I only asked for occasional help if I'm in pain.
He pays more than me due to his earnings (he wanted the expensive house and told me he would be happy to pay). However I work more hours than him.
He works 2 hours a day, so I said I can work full time and he do his 2 hours in the evening (he mostly works in the evening) but he said no.

He's said I'm miserable, have anxiety and he knows this as a doctor. I need to get help for my mental health because he can the with someone miserable like me.

Okay, so who cares what he says/thinks/does, it's completely irrelevant. How are you going to get your kids out of this misery? That's what to focus on.

OP if you’re worried he may leave you in the next 2 weeks you need a plan. Or a couple of plans really. You need a short term, shit’s hit the fan and I need out now plan, and a mid-term how to set yourself up with a job and a house/flat and childcare plan. If you’re on good terms with your ex maybe tell him things are looking dicey and ask if he could take your eldest for more contact days on short notice? Is there anyone you could stay with ? I’d be worried he’s going to engineer a situation where you all feel you have nowhere to go except his father’s house and you’ll be left with the decision to move there despite it being a bad idea for you for all the reasons you have already given, or homelessness. Mid term, can you up your hours easily? What childcare is a possibility? What can you afford to rent in an area not too far from your eldest’s dad?

Move to your own place in two weeks with your kids, get the correct maintenance and UC top up so you can afford your new life and sort it out..... or stay and put up with this forever

He will never change.

Why are you not able to talk to your friends about him?

He wants the perfect looking life but will never work at it.

Bloody hell I wouldn’t want a controlling egotistical twonk like him as my doctor.

Ditch him - you can do so much better. If you genuinely can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. You owe them that much.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I’ve read all your previous threads and as LOTS of oriole have said you either need to put up with it or get shot of him— HE WILL NEVER, EVER CHANGE.

Run now whilst you still have life in front of you. It’s shirt and precious. Don’t look back in 10/15 year when the kids don’t want to visit and you’re stuck living on a pin money that the even grumpier, nastier man gives you. You won’t be working by then because he will expect you to care for him as he ages.

Urgh get rid of him. He will only get worse. He's far too old for you anyway. You will only be his carer is about 15 years (when your child is a teenager!) That's the last thing you need. You deserve better @Lan2020

Bin him, and move on. He sounds horrible.