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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My partner just sent this text. AIBU for being angry?

176 replies

Lan2020 · 15/08/2021 00:08

A quick back story first. I'm 33 partner 51, have a toddler and lived together 2 years (together 4).

Partner never been any support for me. Moved house pregnant alone, watched me vomit in bed when I had a sickness bug with baby next to me and walked away, I do all housework, get up with child etc. Partner has back pain so I make allowances (even pick things up off floor for him), however he's staying with a family member and he's been doing hours of work around the house. I've been suffering with pain over the last 2 years but still do everything, because he always said he's worse than me. I basically messaged him (rightly or wrongly) and said I'd rather he didn't tell me about the things he's been doing because it upsets me that whilst I have been struggling, he's not helped me and that I assumed it's because he physically cant but now realise I'm a mug. He can help but chooses not to.

It's caused a huge arguement. I'm a horrible and nasty person. It's decended into him yet again bring up that he supports the family financially and I should be grateful, not horrible to him.
He does pay the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is substantially more but his hourly pay is 6 times what mine is. Furthermore, he was the one that insisted we had to have a huge house because he said " I would never live in anything less than a 4 bed".

I've offered to work more. Said I'd happily work full time and pay half but he would rather me home with child and he can earn more in an hour than I do in 6.

So after my text this evening he sent this ...

"the way you like the 50 and 60s era you think you'd be happy but you want me to be a total house husband also and pay for the home"

Im so mad! I don't want a house husband who pays for everything!! I do everything..I literally just said when I'm in pain I'd like a little help and I've offered to work more and pay half.

I'm so upset.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/08/2021 00:31

@Lan2020

He's definitely with a relative. 100%

I know I've posted about him before and I know I'm an idiot.

I just wondered if I was justified in being upset with his message or was it my fault for calling him out on his inability to help me. He's been telling me how horrible nad nasty I am.

Nope you're not.

But you won't do anything about it and will post the next thread in a bit going on about how he made you do everything while you were pregnant.

What do you want OP?

Original poster
Lan2020 · 15/08/2021 00:36

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop he used to encourage my involvement because his exW isn't as hand on (apparently). However his son is now twch addicted and has a huge arguement with my partner if we try to get him to engage for 5 minutes, so I've given up!

I won't be moving to that house because it's not our home, I'd be taking my eldest to a place he doesn't want to be, away from his dad. Also, he'd expect me to give up work. We aren't married, so I'd have no security at all.

We are renting at the mo. We have to leave this house and are moving to another in 2 weeks. However houses around here are extortionate now. I culould nowhere near afford it alone. If he chooses to nto stay with me, I will be homeless with 2 children in 2 weeks.
I've started questioning his behaviour and he hates it. He thinks I'm being nasty to him and apparently he can't sleep and is stressed because of me. He said he can't cope with me crying I'd sulking, so I'm scared he'll leave me.

OP posts:
Snugglybuggly · 15/08/2021 00:36

LTB

BudrosBudrosGalli · 15/08/2021 00:37

So, why are you with this useless fart? It's not going to get any better and he's likely to see a major decline in fitness in the not-so-distant future, given the massive age difference. Woman the fuck up!

Quitelikeacatslife · 15/08/2021 00:37

You are not an idiot but I'm so sorry to say that no matter what you want, or would like, he is not going to change. He will not suddenly be the person you want him to be.
Once you are out of it you will see clearly.
Make some plans, see what you can afford to rent and just give it a go

Original poster
Lan2020 · 15/08/2021 00:38

Sorry please excuse typos, my phone autocorrects and I'm typing quick and stressed.

OP posts:
chaosrabbitland · 15/08/2021 00:40

[quote Lan2020]@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop that's how I feel. That I should be eternally grateful he is with me and pays bills. Basically after his divorce he lived with his dad for 10 years. It's their childhood home (huge house, nice area) and he wants us to live there. Its only 40 mins away from where we live bit not practical as it's near a big city and driving to work is around 1hr 30 mins, my eldest wouldn't see his dad so much (his dad is great and always been consistent) and would have to change school. My partner moving closer my way had no change in his life but he's obsessed with wanting to live at his family home (his mum has passed away and his dad lives abroad about 8 months a year).

He also has a 13 year old[/quote]
so he even wants you to move further away from your work and disrupt your eldest sons contact with his dad and have to change schools to boot , i can only ecbo everyone else why are you not planning to leave him , you could live with your children without this wanker taking the piss . he could then go to live in his massive childhood home like he wants to . there is a lot wrong here , as someone else has said why are you only worrying about a text when there is so much more not right

Italiangreyhound · 15/08/2021 00:40

He sounds really not very nice. Are you happy? It doesn't sound so. Don't do anything that will make you trapped by him.

Quitelikeacatslife · 15/08/2021 00:43

If you are moving out it really is the time to do it. Let him go to the family house and get you and kids a flat where you are now 2 bed will be fine .
Don't waste money on a move to another house with him
He will still have to support his child.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/08/2021 00:44

Time to wrap this up and get out.

He's a wanker.

Please speak to your family and friends tomorrow. About what's actually happening and make a plan. Hope all goes well. x

chaosrabbitland · 15/08/2021 00:45

the housing officers at the council can give you advice on what to do , you can apply for housing benefit to top up the rent , even worst case scenario you were homeless the council would put you and the kids into temp accomadation and you would then wait for them to offer you a place , happened to me , iv got a council house now . it pains me that so many woman feel they are trapped in crap relationships with their children because they feel its either staying or cardboard city

QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 00:46

what on earth...

OP please see your self worth

Ugzbugz · 15/08/2021 01:00

Love a backs so bad yet I can Shag and make babies

AllyBama · 15/08/2021 01:05

So… what do you actually want to happen this time?

You’ve had a lot of really good advice on this forum.

You know you should leave him.

Penistoe · 15/08/2021 01:07

so I'm scared he'll leave me

This is heartbreaking. He is not a good man. You have been told this over and over. Yet you are worried he will leave you.

Deadringer · 15/08/2021 01:12

He is a useless piece of shit. Dump him and find somewhere smaller to live. You have your whole life in front of you, don't waste it pandering to a man who isn't worth it.

Holothane · 15/08/2021 01:14

Please tell me your going to leave him your life is ruined with this prick,

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/08/2021 01:23

He's a shit dad.

He's a shit partner.

He's a shitty person.

Walk away and raise your bar for men through counselling like talking therapy.

He's an absolute eejit.

Chloemol · 15/08/2021 01:24

Why exactly are you with him? And he is no example to any of your children

Leave, set up on your own, get cms from him and move on

QueenBee52 · 15/08/2021 01:30

you must not think this is the best you can do .. 🙁

SunUmbrella · 15/08/2021 01:50

@Lan2020

A quick back story first. I'm 33 partner 51, have a toddler and lived together 2 years (together 4).

Partner never been any support for me. Moved house pregnant alone, watched me vomit in bed when I had a sickness bug with baby next to me and walked away, I do all housework, get up with child etc. Partner has back pain so I make allowances (even pick things up off floor for him), however he's staying with a family member and he's been doing hours of work around the house. I've been suffering with pain over the last 2 years but still do everything, because he always said he's worse than me. I basically messaged him (rightly or wrongly) and said I'd rather he didn't tell me about the things he's been doing because it upsets me that whilst I have been struggling, he's not helped me and that I assumed it's because he physically cant but now realise I'm a mug. He can help but chooses not to.

It's caused a huge arguement. I'm a horrible and nasty person. It's decended into him yet again bring up that he supports the family financially and I should be grateful, not horrible to him.
He does pay the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is substantially more but his hourly pay is 6 times what mine is. Furthermore, he was the one that insisted we had to have a huge house because he said " I would never live in anything less than a 4 bed".

I've offered to work more. Said I'd happily work full time and pay half but he would rather me home with child and he can earn more in an hour than I do in 6.

So after my text this evening he sent this ...

"the way you like the 50 and 60s era you think you'd be happy but you want me to be a total house husband also and pay for the home"

Im so mad! I don't want a house husband who pays for everything!! I do everything..I literally just said when I'm in pain I'd like a little help and I've offered to work more and pay half.

I'm so upset.

Wow. Amazed you even need to ask. Leave him!!
Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2021 01:59

You've posted about him so many times. At this point you are the maker of your own misery. You know you need to leave him and yet you won't. This man is never going to change, so stop wasting your life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/08/2021 03:00

A man of 51 will not change. Ever. He’s far far too set in his ways. If anything it will get worse.

If you can really wrap your head around his never, ever changing, is this what you want from life? He sounds vile.

sansucre · 15/08/2021 03:00

He said he can't cope with me crying I'd sulking, so I'm scared he'll leave me.

Wait. You're scared he'll leave you.

Given your other posts on this thread coupled with the fact that you've post other threads about him, my mind is boggling why on earth would you want to stay with him? Have some self respect and leave him.

timeisnotaline · 15/08/2021 03:02

Find a new small apartment you can afford and move there instead without him. Remember you can put in a claim for child maintenance. If you can stay with anyone in the gap that would help of course. You don’t owe him anything and your life will be better without him.

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