My partner just sent this text. AIBU for being angry?

[Lan2020]

A quick back story first. I'm 33 partner 51, have a toddler and lived together 2 years (together 4).

Partner never been any support for me. Moved house pregnant alone, watched me vomit in bed when I had a sickness bug with baby next to me and walked away, I do all housework, get up with child etc. Partner has back pain so I make allowances (even pick things up off floor for him), however he's staying with a family member and he's been doing hours of work around the house. I've been suffering with pain over the last 2 years but still do everything, because he always said he's worse than me. I basically messaged him (rightly or wrongly) and said I'd rather he didn't tell me about the things he's been doing because it upsets me that whilst I have been struggling, he's not helped me and that I assumed it's because he physically cant but now realise I'm a mug. He can help but chooses not to.

It's caused a huge arguement. I'm a horrible and nasty person. It's decended into him yet again bring up that he supports the family financially and I should be grateful, not horrible to him.
He does pay the rent and I pay the bills. The rent is substantially more but his hourly pay is 6 times what mine is. Furthermore, he was the one that insisted we had to have a huge house because he said " I would never live in anything less than a 4 bed".

I've offered to work more. Said I'd happily work full time and pay half but he would rather me home with child and he can earn more in an hour than I do in 6.

So after my text this evening he sent this ...

"the way you like the 50 and 60s era you think you'd be happy but you want me to be a total house husband also and pay for the home"

Im so mad! I don't want a house husband who pays for everything!! I do everything..I literally just said when I'm in pain I'd like a little help and I've offered to work more and pay half.

I'm so upset.

Urgh get rid of him. He will only get worse. He's far too old for you anyway. You will be his carer in about 15 years (when your child is a teenager!) That's the last thing you need. You deserve better @Lan2020

Bin him, and move on. He sounds horrible.

You lost me at the first paragraph. Why on earth are you still with this shithouse?

It's irrelevant how much either partner earns or how many hours each does in a paid job. What's relevant in a partnership is equal leisure time (time not spent working, doing housework or looking after children). It's irrelevant who does how much of each of those family tasks as long as each person pulls their weight (for example, for a family with a SAHP they might do almost all the childcare while the other partner earns almost all the income and they both split the housework - but being the higher earner doesn't mean you get not to do anything else). You do all three. He only does a bit of one. He's a user.

The updates are just more of the same, OP.

It literally changes nothing.

What do you expect us to say?

@Lan2020

Thank you all for the replies. I've not had a chance to read them as I've been busy with the children and off out shortly. I shall read them all shortly though.

Quick update. I read the messages he sent last night and he said that I obviously expect him to do all the housework and pay all the bills!
I literally do everything. I only asked for occasional help if I'm in pain.
He pays more than me due to his earnings (he wanted the expensive house and told me he would be happy to pay). However I work more hours than him.
He works 2 hours a day, so I said I can work full time and he do his 2 hours in the evening (he mostly works in the evening) but he said no.

He's said I'm miserable, have anxiety and he knows this as a doctor. I need to get help for my mental health because he can the with someone miserable like me.

So are you concluding that it's all hopeless? He's never going to have an epiphany where he says, yes, you do everything.

I hope you realise that it's HOPELESS.

Do you have anywhere to go and any money when you get there??

Only one of the children is yours? Take your child and go. You can sort out the rest later. I never thought of myself as a strong person, and yet, somehow, I left with two children and a buggy and one rucksack. He attacked me as I tried to get out the front door. Not his usual style, he was more the gaslighting, verbally abusive financially abusive type. Those were his usual MOs. But anyway, I just wanted you to know that although for some reason before I left him it seemed like a difficult decision , as soon as I left him it felt like a relief.

I left with hair pulled out, a bloodshot eye, a cricked neck, bruises on my knees and wrists where he slammed me to the floor really suddenly and yet every thing got easier the second I left.

Why do you not think you can leave OP?

Do you think that leaving is what other people do? Do you think you're not strong enough to leave?

If that's what you think it's because he's ground you down to nothing.

Did you watch those meredith miller clips I linked to?

I've only had the chance to quickly look at replies but will do do properly later, as I appreciate the time people have taken.

With regards to me moving into our new house alone, I can't. House prices around here have risen a lot and there is a shortage of properties. As in hardly anything available and they are gone within an hour. The house we are moving into is £1500 a month. I could no way afford that alone.

I've offered to work full time (which he never wanted me to do but I can't handle him complaining about money) and he said I can work full time but our child would be in nursery every day. So absolutely no point as nursery fees would be most of my wage. The point was, he's home all day so he could do childcare and then work his 2 hours when I'm home.

Why are you taking him into consideration? He doesn't take you into consideration. Why does he get to decide how many hours you work?

He says you are miserable because you are unhappy. Only you can decide if you can accept what he offers.

Do you have family in the UK? There are options, look into benefits available for childcare. Do you know his last tax returns as you can estimate child maintenance.
You would get salary, childcare help, he'll with rent, cms. It isn't impossible.

You need to stop relying on him and work on being alone with your 2 children.

Oh please, just leave him.

Get rid it will only get worse. I say this as someone who is also stuck with a big age gap. You’ll regret staying a lot more trust me

Utter bollocks from @TheReluctantPhoenix.

DH earned all the money while I stayed at home to bring up our three children. I did what I could and wanted to do in the day. He came home and looked after his children , cooked the dinner sometimes, bathed and read them so tired while I fed the baby. Rarely was he sat while I did housework. We were only talking the other day and he said it took a long time to read three stories once they were old enough. I loved I got to sit and feed the youngest.

He is abusing you, certainly financially and emotionally.

If you moved to a 2 bed place without him you would get help with housing and childcare through the tax credit system. No doubt he would fiddle his income to pay minimal child maintenance and would rarely have your DC but it would be better than living in a gilded cage!!

@AllyBama

The updates are just more of the same, OP.

It literally changes nothing.

What do you expect us to say?

This op.

Sorry but it’s time for some tough love. @Lan2020

You have two options -

1. leave him, his wining and his manipulation, take both the kids and move in with family, friends anyone as a stop gap. Could you even move in with the older child’s father??! ( as an aside does he know what a twonk his child’s step father is????)

2. stay with him, suck it up, stop posting to see if you get the answer you want to hear (YOU WONT)- then when you get to 40/50/60 regret the life you and your dc have had with this git.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️THERE IS NO THIRD OPTION!!! HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE!!!! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Until you ditch this horrible man you will continue to have problems like this.

He will have to give you 15% of his net income and you may be eligible for tax credits. www.entitledto.co.uk/

Your life will be so much happier without him - can you stay with family until you get straight?

If you have a partner who can give you a lifestyle you would have no chance of sustaining otherwise, but they expect you to do the lion’s share of other stuff, it seems fair to me.

This rings true.
OP, did you want to have an equal relationship with him from day one? How was it even possible with such unequal finances and the huge age difference? You were nearly 30 when you got together so it must have been informed decision.
Also, was this baby planned?

Was the baby planned and does he have any other children ?

Oh, he’s the older GP lazy fucker boyfriend who treats you like shit on his shoe, isn’t he?
Thought it sounded familiar.

You’ve been told countless times on previous threads that things will only improve if you leave him.

Have you researched what you’d get benefits wise if you split up? Looked on Entitled To?

Only you can take control of your life and happiness. It’s not going to get any better with this nasty fucker unless you do something about it.

Do you really want your DC to grow up learning that treating you like shit is normal behaviour?

Whatever you do, don't let him Poear to br doing 'childcare'. You'll end up with visitation rights only and paying this prick child support.
Just run.

don't let him appear to be

@LowlandLucky

Was the baby planned and does he have any other children ?

He does have a child already who stays with him regularly. The OP doesnt like his parenting style amongst other issues.

But yes it’s to the point to ask if the baby was planned. I can’t imagine too many semi retired 50 year olds want to have a baby much less be a SAHP. And as a man he doesn’t have to be a SAHP if he doesn’t want to be. Which he doesn’t. And that’s what is playing out here. He wants to live elsewhere and enjoy semi retirement.

By the sound of it they moved in when the OP was pregnant. To a home neither of them wanted and into circumstances neither of them want. They row and can’t make it work because it is unworkable.

Yeah seriously, you know he’s dreadful but you’re never going to leave him so what’s the point in thread after thread about how shit he is.

@Wheretobuy sorry, I've missed who stated the comment that you are replying to, stating if my partner gives me a life I can't sustain, I should do the lionshare.

I'd like to point out a few things...
We don't have a life of luxury. We rent a 3 bed house. I pay all the household bills and my own bills. He pays the rent. The rent is more expensive but he earns a lot more. He chose to live in a pricey house, knowing I couldn't afford to pay half. Unless I work full time but he doesn't want me to.

Also I work more hours than he does and do literally everything with the house and baby. He's never once got up with him in the night, or bathed him. If he does have him he puts him in front of he phone whilst he plays Xbox and that's only so I can clean.

So no, I don't feel he is giving me some amazing life that I should be paying for by basically being a single mum.

@ImAddictedToMyPhone

His age shows in his message. His mother was probably a house wife. Get rid.

What a load of ageist bollocks. DH is 75 and wouldn't dream of not pulling his weight domestically.

That and the 'needing a carer' by his late 60s according to another poster. You all sound about 18, thinking everyone older than 40 has one foot in the grave.
He's a giant knob. His age has fuck all to do with it.

He should be worried that you leave him. Sounds as if he treats you like his skivvy.