To think life is not worth living

[Omgthatssointeresting]

I know that sounds dramatic and don't worry I am not suicidal but I just cannot understand how people enjoy life.

Life has some positives but so many more negatives. I'm either working or too tired from working to do anything most days. It's such a relentless slog and I don't see the point in living if 90% of my life is doing things I don't want to do. And the other 10% is just ok.

I have an objectively good life - lovely partner, a.job that is better than most jobs out there, a wonderful dd, etc. And I hate my life. It's not intolerably awful it's just so repetitive with no enjoyment. I've been keeping track of whether I was happy that I woke up and lived that day and 47 days in a row now the answer is no. I wish I never even woke up. Nothing bad happened it's.just what is the point? What is the point in dealing with all the irritation and difficulty of everyday life?

I work so hard. Everyone does. Lots work even harder than me in tougher jobs. But for.what? To go.shppping on Saturday and to the dump on Sunday then try and recover for more work on Monday. Why? Why keep going?

It's insanity. To spend your whole life doing things you don't enjoy. I feel so guilty for bringing my daughter into this world. That one day she's going to have to do this. That when she's 29.she might also be counting down the years until she is 70 and can finally.retire. That maybe she too secretly hopes to get a serious illness or die in a car accident so that she can stop living without feeling guilty for abandoning her loved ones. I have to resist the desire to apologise for creating her life almost daily.

So I think there are 3 possible answers to why people bother to live their lives despite it making no sense to me.

1. They actually enjoy everyday life. I find this unbelievable. What is enjoyable about emptying bins, commutes to work, washing dishes, dealing with people in HR, etc. Most people don't enjoy their job either so I find this option implausible.

2. The good of special days make up for all that work. It would have to be 50x better than everyday life so again not likely.

3. People just bury their head in the sand. They delude themselves that their life is good and that they enjoy it and lie to themselves to keep themselves same. I think this must be what most people are doing.

So sorry for the long winded question. Basically, aibu to have this attitude and if so why? My dp says he is option 3.

Thanks for your insight.

I’m mainly option 1. I work for myself and whilst there are bits of the job I don’t like most of it is good. I hate housework so I got and cleaner and a dishwasher which eliminates most of the cleaning. I’ve got great children that I never thought I’d have.
I think you are probably depressed as a few years ago I went through a stage of feeling life was pointless and made some significant changes so I stopped feeling life was pointless.

I think the rat race and keeping up with the Joneses and comparing our lives to others has alot to do with finding life a drag. Before lockdown we would be rushing from work and school to extracurricular clubs and competitions, after lockdown Dd decided she didn't want to do that anymore, she enjoyed the slower pace of life, she still does a couple of clubs but they are recreational instead of hard training.

I know I find myself instantly lifted when I have a quick walk along the beach, wood or paddle board down the Broads. I think alot of us would be a lot better off if we lived simpler, got rid of the tech and spent more time outside. It's hard to let go of though.

As for housework I do the bare minimum, I make sure the house is clean but I'm not changing the beds every week as some do.

You sound textbook depression. It's part of depression to believe that only you have seen through the delusion of people who enjoy their lives.

I enjoy my work. I find it meaningful and absorbing and challenging. I enjoy exercise and sex and travel and spending time with children and friends and pursuing my hobbies and most of all, learning. There are so many wonderful things in the world that I hope to learn more about before my time is up. I have stressful, difficult times - I'm having one right now - but I love being alive.

1 for me too. I have a job that I think makes a difference, and a family I enjoy spending time with. Good friends, I don't unduly worry about money or housework and I have enough outside interests for me only that keep me interested and feel valued.

I actually think it helps when children are older and you're not having to do / think of everything.

I don't enjoy life at the moment because i recently lost my husband to cancer. Now that's shit.

I'd love to have a normal life at the moment, enjoying the small mundane things that kept our lives going. I did genuinely enjoy my life when he was alive, my job meh just a cleaner.

When you lose a life partner it really makes you evaluate life.

Life IS worth living. He never got that chance

I am 1 for sure. I love the small things in life, waking up early and having a coffee quietly in the garden. Seeing my family, taking pride in their achievements

When I was younger I was a teacher and LOVED my job. Loved my subject, loved the students, loved my colleagues. Genuinely enjoyed getting up and going to work.

I work in learning and development in the public sector. I feel I have purpose helping my colleagues serve the public. I don't know all the answers so I have to research, weigh up the options and make decisions. I am regularly stretched. I enjoy coaching conversations with my team and I enjoy being coached by my manager. I realise every day I learn something and over time I can see how I have developed. Yes I know that in the end the Earth will be consumed by a fireball so my efforts could be argued to be pointless but I am just enjoying the ride.

I know this doesn't address a lot of your issues, and I do think you sound depressed and need some help, but switch to online shopping delivery. It's 100% worth the small fee. I've never looked back. It turns up and it's done and away in 10 minutes!

Like the song “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone”

I don't work so can't comment on that but I think people who find happiness in the small things probably find life better. I love settling down in the evening with something to watch and my cross stitch. I love it when my seeds germinate in the garden. I get excited when I get a new Audible credit.

My DS brings me huge joy, I even enjoy the school run as I get to chat to him. Love walking with him chatting or in companiable silence.

Housework is a pain but I put an audio book on and that makes it fine.

My life probably sounds horrifically boring and small to many but I love the simple things.

I think you are on a negative spiral.

Instead of asking if you are glad you lived the day, think of three things you were grateful for. E.g your DD, a friend, a task accomplished, a walk, a good book, a nice sandwich! This really helped me when I was going through a difficult time and just sets the brain to positive before you go to sleep.

1) They actually enjoy everyday life. I find this unbelievable. What is enjoyable about emptying bins, commutes to work, washing dishes, dealing with people in HR, etc. Most people don't enjoy their job either so I find this option implausible

I enjoy my job. Yes of course there are boring or frustrating parts, but most if the time it’s good and I get a lot of job satisfaction at the end of a project when I can see it’s a success.

By “ emptying bin “ do you mean for a job or housework ? I don’t mind taking out the bins, I’m happy that we have lots of options to recycle and I’m pleased when our “ non recyclable bin “ is nearly empty .

I don’t commute to work but I drive as part of my job and listen to classical music , radio 4 or podcasts. I wouldn’t make the time to do this at home so that’s a treat.

Some jobs I don’t enjoy so I delegate or pay someone else to do them and work extra hours to pay for it.

There’s no point in my taking you my job title as it won’t help you find out what you enjoy about your job. Or what new job you could find that you might enjoy. Or even hate less than your current job.

When I felt like that OP it was because I had chronic depression. I took 6 months off work, had therapy, changed jobs and began to appreciate life again.

These days when I start feeling like that I know I need to look after myself more. For me that means planning family trips at the weekend, and getting help at home (cleaner, buying frozen meals so less time cooking).

My job is very demanding, I work for a Big 4 accounting firm. I enjoy solving the difficult technical problems my clients have. I get a sense of satisfaction coaching more junior people and seeing them develop. I meet a lot of clever interesting people who inspire me to be better.

I hope you can start to see the positive things in life. It sounds like you are utterly fed up and worn down with day to day drudgery. Can you book a holiday? Go somewhere new for the weekend? Visit family or friends?

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear

I don't work so can't comment on that but I think people who find happiness in the small things probably find life better. I love settling down in the evening with something to watch and my cross stitch. I love it when my seeds germinate in the garden. I get excited when I get a new Audible credit.

My DS brings me huge joy, I even enjoy the school run as I get to chat to him. Love walking with him chatting or in companiable silence.

Housework is a pain but I put an audio book on and that makes it fine.

My life probably sounds horrifically boring and small to many but I love the simple things.

I found joy in reading your post.

I have this exact conversation regularly with a family member. They are clinically depressed and recently prescribed medication. In the nicest possible way, I think maybe you could do with some support from your GP.

@Draineddraineddrained ‘Life is to be experienced’ gives some balance to expectations. We are programmed to be happy but it’s unrealistic.

I struggle with the daily grind and I have gone from one extreme to the other: full house and too much to do to totally empty nest.

Thanks @Draineddraineddrained for the note of perspective. OP what experiences on a daily basis and as a bucket list would like to turn your energy to?

@ghostmouse I'm so sorry for your loss sending you a hug. Its so sad when life is taken too early

I'm a teacher, I love parts of my job, the bits where I get to interact with the students and make connections, I don't particularly enjoy the data and paperwork and observations. I like spending time with my colleagues, they make me laugh and I don't get to see many other adults in my day to day life. My job pays for me to do the things that I like, to go on holiday, pays for my car to take my daughter on trips. In terms of view I can see the sea from my workplace and it is surrounded by fields, I remember working in a shop as a teen and not seeing the sun all day which was horrible. Sometimes the work load is stressful but I also got plenty of time to recuperate, the idea of only having 4 weeks off like a normal job doesn't seem to be enough to look after your mental health.

ghostmouse
I'm so sorry

@SummerHouse ‘setting brain to positive before bed.’ another top tip. The brain processes information whilst we’re asleep; doesn’t know the difference between reality and fantasy. Before bed activities that promote positive feelings is a sound idea.

I know what you mean. Since COVID hit the relentlessness of it all has been magnified. Having the kids and WFH was incredibly draining. I just miss spontaneity, travel, having new experiences. Everything is even more controlled now, with a toddler in tow it hardly feels worth doing timed tickets for things, constantly washing hands and trying not get them to lick things. I don't know what the answer is.

I'd second those who suggest you might be depressed, just in case.

If that's not it, then try to do something, alongside the inevitable bits. For example, when I commuted, I always has an interesting book on the go that I was eager to get into. I'd make a point of eating things I really fancied, preferably outdoors at lunch time. On Sunday teen DD and I either did the ironing, or prepped lunch, the one who was ironing (we considered that the worst job) chose the music. ( that explains why I must be one of the only 70 year olds who knows most of the Smiths lyrics, and why DD pinched my copy of Tapestry when she went to university). I tried quite hard to put something nice, however small, into as many tasks asked possible.

I would say I am number 1.

My job is decent. It affords my financial independence and security. I do enjoy it but if I win the lottery, I would quit, or course. I don't enjoy putting the bins out, or the house work or supermarket shopping.

What I do enjoy is getting up and having a nice quiet coffee, watching our dogs run round the garden. I really love my morning shower and breakfast with ds. He adores the dogs so plays with them. Then he
gets ready while I log on for work.

Dd drags herself up and then makes coffee while telling me about her plans for the day. Then gets herself up. I really enjoy our discussions on women's issues.

Then its waving him off for school. I do like seeing him chattering to his friends as he walks down the road. The I will speak to my team and catch up with them. We usually have a laugh while doing so. I enjoy listening to what they did at the weekend or amusing stories about their dogs.

At lunchtime, I take the dogs out another enjoyable part of the day. Between work I get bits of house work done. Not my favourite bit, but I do like the house being clean and tidy and am glad I have done it when it's done. I did hybrid work before Covid.

I don't want the house to smell, so take the bins out. Supermarket shopping is a bit boring, but I enjoy having good food in and feel lucky I live somewhere, where decent food has always been available to me. I enjoy making ds favourite foods or making dinner with my 17 year old dd. I can do that because I went to the supermarket.

I love ds coming in and him giving the dogs a cuddle before he even acknowledges me. The quick chat before he goes gets changed. Eating dinner with him and dd every night.

The problem op is about perspective.

7 years ago I lived with a very controlling husband. My kids and me were miserable. The abuse ramped up and we fled. Sofa surfing for a while. Now we have a smaller house, but it's filled with love and happiness.

Yes, there's bits of life that's boring. I often work 9pm-11pm, after the kids are in bed. Not exactly rock n roll. But again, I don't really mind because overall my job is a good one, pays extremely well and I like my colleagues.

After the shit I went through before, I try and see the positive in things. When work is shit, I accept its shit but then remember the wage. The hoovering is boring, but I like how my house feels when it's done.

Overall my life might be quite boring to some. But to me it's great. Tbe boring bits usually have a pay off, no matter how small and they are the things that make me happy.

I get that I sound incredibly twee. But everyday was an awful struggle with no joy. My morning shower was usually followed by accusations, that I was showering so I could go to work and shag someone. My morning coffee interrupted because he felt me get out of bed and assumed I would be texting someone while he was in bed. All those little moments of joy I have now, were all ruined by exh. So it's so easy to enjoy them now.

I used to be where you are, probably at your age (29?).

10+ years on things are better.

I’m medicated long-term for depression. I’ve had three courses of counselling to address various issues.

My DH has been diagnosed with health issues that explain a lot. The diagnosis doesn’t make things easier but it explains things.

We have two DCs.

We’ve both made massive changes to our working lives. We’ve changed Jobs/employment status/done training several times.

There have been some life changing shit times too. There have been times when I didn’t know if I could carry more of a burden than I was.

We moved to a slightly bigger house in a slightly better area. This made a HUGE difference. We have more space and can enjoy just being at home more.

We’ve put a lot of (cheap?) things in place and invested in making our lives more comfortable long term.

We have lovely friends that we make an effort to do things with.

Life is still REALLY difficult sometimes.

But feeling down for me is more the exception rather than the rule.

I’d also add that we are by no means high earners, with no inheritance etc. We live a modest life in a modest place.

I do worry about the world, climate change, women’s rights etc. But I have to put boundaries in place as to what I can realistically do.

Having CHOICE in spending time and money, and SPACE to do it in was key for me. I thought I was losing my mind at times but these were worth working for. We’re a bit better now.

I love a cup of tea in bed, watching birds in the garden, having a gin with friends, going to the gym, really taking to my DCs. My job is mainly tolerable.

Hang in there. Your DD needs and you CAN get past this.