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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my daughter change her name?

510 replies

katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:09

My daughter wants to change her name to Rose, however I believe she should keep her birth name until the age of 18. I’m aware she can change it without my permission as she’s 16 however I’m hoping she wouldn’t as she knows I’m unhappy with it. It was the name I chose for her and I do believe her reasoning for wanting to change her name (too masculine) is wrong. Shes been using Rose as her name with some of her school friends and her online friends for over a year.

OP posts:
ShinyMe · 14/08/2021 17:48

@katherine1983

Her father doesn’t like Kody much either, I think he’s rather pleased as Rose goes better with their last name. I do understand that I can’t stop her as she can change it without parents permission and Ill have to accept it. I hope i’ll still be able to call her Kody but if not i’ll try with her new name.
Well go ahead and deadname her if that's what you want, but that's the way to end up having no relationship in the future.

If you love her and have a good relationship with her, why wouldn't you want to support her in who she is becoming as an adult? It's bloody hard work being a teenager, trying to work out who you are and what you want to be, without having a parent fighting against it and not recognising you or accepting you.

I spent the last year working with an incredible young lady whose mother had refused to let her change her name. She changed it anyway when she got to 17 and mum was still fighting against everything. Deadnaming, refusing to accept her subject choices at college and then uni, claiming she knew better. The daughter was still the same, but is having to deal with constant feelings of being a disappointment to her mum (who she does love, but who she feels doesn't like who she's becoming) on top of all the normal struggles for a teenager trying to make their way.

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 17:48

Cody means:

“descendant of Cuidightheach” and “helpful person”, because Cuidightheach was originally a byname for a helpful person.;
also 'son of Otto' or 'son of the helpful one'

Kody with a K is just a variation of the same.

(There are other more recent meanings of the name in the Urban Dictionary, for both boys and girls.)

Rose is a lovely name, I don't blame her for wanting to be called that.

overnightangel · 14/08/2021 17:48

Didn’t really have an opinion either way until I saw she was called Kody, poor kid !

shouldistop · 14/08/2021 17:49

Kody is a terrible name, possibly only ok for a dog.

speakout · 14/08/2021 17:49

Can't get the image of Sister Wives out of my head hearing of Kody!

happydays2345 · 14/08/2021 17:50

Kaydee oh gosh please no 😂

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 14/08/2021 17:50

Your not being unreasonable to be upset about her changing the name. You have her the name and it hurts that she is rejecting it.
But you seem to be making this all about you and not thinking of your daughter and her feelings. You acknowledge that she’s been using the name Rose for a couple of years so it’s not a whim.
I think it would be massively disrespectful for you to continue to call her Kody when she changes it. If you oppose her or don’t support her it could damage your relationship.

NoSquirrels · 14/08/2021 17:53

I would feel very sad if any of my DC wanted to change their names. But if it was really important to them, and it looked like they’d thought it through, I’d support them. I think I’d ask if they’d keep their original name as a middle name, as a courtesy. But I wouldn’t push. It would help if their new name was not totally out there - and Rose is beautiful and classic.

sayanythingelse · 14/08/2021 17:53

I wanted to change my name from primary school age. My mum told me that I wasn't allowed and I never did through fear of upsetting my parents.
I'm 34 now and I still dislike my name. I think of changing it occasionally but I doubt it would catch on now and it's a lot of paperwork. It's better to let her do it whilst she's still young. I don't dislike Kody but I would assume it to be a boys name.

pointythings · 14/08/2021 17:54

You made a poor choice of name when she was born and now it's come back to bite you. You need to suck it up and get over it. You don't own her, she gets to decide who she is.

FWIW both my DDs will be changing their names. It's much more complex for them as we are EU nationals and our country doesn't make it easy, but they want to wipe out their association with their abusive father (now deceased) and I 100% support them and use their new names all the time.

Original poster
katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 17:56

I do see why most of you think it’s masculine, I always thought it was unisex. I do now agree that when she does change it that i’ll have to use it.

OP posts:
RolloTomassi · 14/08/2021 17:57

I was totally with you in theory until you revealed her real name. Kody isn't one I'd want to live with either, OP.

AnonymousCheerleader · 14/08/2021 17:57

Kody is a fucking terrible name for a boy, never mind a girl.

Honestly, what were you thinking?

The nicest thing you could do for your daughter is support her in changing her awful name.

EmeraldShamrock · 14/08/2021 17:57

Rose is beautiful in comparison to Kody.
I know a boy named Kody.

irresistibleoverwhelm · 14/08/2021 17:58

I’ve known a few people who have changed their names - as teenagers or students or even older - and a fair number of them changed it back after a few years! Just go with it OP, and see what happens. Rose is a lovely, classic name, anyway.

Whinge · 14/08/2021 17:58

@katherine1983

I do see why most of you think it’s masculine, I always thought it was unisex. I do now agree that when she does change it that i’ll have to use it.
I don't think it's ever been considered a unisex name. Confused

I'm pleased you're going to support her decision, and I hope you accept that she is old enough to make that decision now, rather than in a few years time.

Howshouldibehave · 14/08/2021 17:59

Her father doesn’t like Kody much either

A shame he didn’t say that 16 years ago!

CaptainMyCaptain · 14/08/2021 18:00

@Blossomtoes

She’ll do it legally when she’s 18 anyway. How can you stop her going by Rose in the meantime?
She can do it legally at 16.
MakemeaCake · 14/08/2021 18:00

Kody?

I didn't know that was a name.

But then I can't get my head round people calling children all sorts of names, like place names, or Summer, Or Autumn.

Or normal names but with weird 'personalised' spellings that will give their child grief forever more when asked what their name is for a document etc.

grapewine · 14/08/2021 18:01

@speakout

Can't get the image of Sister Wives out of my head hearing of Kody!
Valid objection to the name also!
Nogoodusername · 14/08/2021 18:02

She doesn’t like her name, it causes her difficulty that people assume she is a boy. If I was her mum I would feel bad that I had given her a weird name that she didn’t like rather than be annoyed that she wants to change it

SunshineCake · 14/08/2021 18:02

My dd also wants to change her name. She has said we can still call her the name we gave her. She's already using her name of choice though hasn't changed it legally yet. I realise I have no say. It's her choice. Much better to accept this.

2bazookas · 14/08/2021 18:02

She has my sympathy. Rose is a feminine elegant grown up name that suits all ages, simple but elegant,she will never have to explain it or spell it out to strangers.

  Kody  sounds like a male Alsatian puppy,  it's really naff for a  girl / grown woman and  she'll have to spend her life  repeating it, spelling it out, confirming she is female,  being mistaken for  trans etc.
godmum56 · 14/08/2021 18:03

a name change is way less permanent that a tatt

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 18:03

Whinge (love your name), it was never a unisex name but it is in recent times in the Urban Dictionary:

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Kody

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Kody%28girl%29

Not nice.