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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my daughter change her name?

510 replies

katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:09

My daughter wants to change her name to Rose, however I believe she should keep her birth name until the age of 18. I’m aware she can change it without my permission as she’s 16 however I’m hoping she wouldn’t as she knows I’m unhappy with it. It was the name I chose for her and I do believe her reasoning for wanting to change her name (too masculine) is wrong. Shes been using Rose as her name with some of her school friends and her online friends for over a year.

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 15/08/2021 00:39

How can a birth name cost you jobs?

Italiangreyhound · 15/08/2021 00:45

Id let her do it. As she gets older there will be so many things with her name on, might as well be the one she is already using.

It's certainly not disrespectful but it is (as a parent) quite sad, I agree.

Paulinna · 15/08/2021 00:45

How can a birth name cost you jobs?
For example if you’re applying to a professional job and your birth name name makes you sound like a stripper. Nobody is gonna hire a teacher called Randee-Leigh or a solicitor called Kandy. People assume I’m thick and trashy.

NoNotMeNoSiree · 15/08/2021 01:21

could she not pick kaydee instead? very similar but more feminine ?

Why would she though?
Seeing as it's so close to the name she dislikes, plus she's already picked one?
At over 16, it's her choice.
OP might feel sad but at the end of the day it's not her choice, her life when it comes to names.

NoNotMeNoSiree · 15/08/2021 01:24

I’m not so selfish as to upset my parents by changing it. It’s disrespectful imo

If my 18 year old was to come and say he was changing his name, sure I'd probably feel a bit sad.
I see it as I'd be the selfish one if I was to lay a guilt trip on him for putting my wants about his life above his, not the other way around!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/08/2021 01:26

Kody has grown up and become an adult who wishes to be called Rose.

You have her an unusual name that most people would assume was that of a man. Which is totally fine and was your prerogative, but she's now expressed how she feels about it so you need to respect it I think.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/08/2021 01:27

@Plumtree391

How can a birth name cost you jobs?
Seriously? Unconscious (or conscious) bias is a real and horrible thing in almost all industries.

Surely you can't be so far removed from the real world that you know this?

PumpkinKlNG · 15/08/2021 01:30

Is she my daughter 😂 my daughter has decided her name is Rosie now and calls herself it and always writes it down as her name, she’s 10 though so no she isn’t changing it when I was little I wanted to be princess sugar plum, doesn’t mean my mum would let me change it to that though.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 15/08/2021 01:34

When you say kody it does make her sound like a boy in her defence. She's probably got sick of everyone saying it. Rose is much more feminine.

milkyaqua · 15/08/2021 01:52

@katherine1983

There’s no reason for Kody, I just liked it. I just think most people without knowing why she changed it would think she was trying to run from something.
Oh, no. Once she'd told them it was Kody, they'd understand.
garlictwist · 15/08/2021 01:54

I wonder what the responses on her would be if her name was Rose and she wanted to change it to Kody. Would people be so supportive of "her right to choose"?

SionnachRua · 15/08/2021 01:55

@garlictwist

I wonder what the responses on her would be if her name was Rose and she wanted to change it to Kody. Would people be so supportive of "her right to choose"?
If she'd been using it for over a year and was definite that she didn't want to be Rose? Sure, let the girl crack on. She isn't an extension of her mother.
SionnachRua · 15/08/2021 01:57

@Plumtree391

How can a birth name cost you jobs?
Quite easily. The Freakonomics podcast on names might interest you.
me4real · 15/08/2021 02:00

Kody? Sorry but I can totally see her point @katherine1983 x I would think that was an American boy.

JustLyra · 15/08/2021 02:01

@Plumtree391

How can a birth name cost you jobs?
You can’t be that naive.

People make assumptions and judgements based on many things, including your name.

I can only imagine the reaction I’d have got in meetings about children if I’d kept Starlight as my name. Names matter, especially if you don’t have the confidence to ignore any surprise/sniggers about your name.

JustLyra · 15/08/2021 02:02

@garlictwist

I wonder what the responses on her would be if her name was Rose and she wanted to change it to Kody. Would people be so supportive of "her right to choose"?
Absolutely.

This isn’t a kid kicking off on Saturday because she decided to change her name on Friday. This is someone who has disliked their name for a long time, who took the time to think of a new name and who has been using their chosen name for over a year.

JustLyra · 15/08/2021 02:05

@Paulinna

I hate my birth name, it makes people perceive me negatively and has undoubtedly cost me jobs. But I’m not so selfish as to upset my parents by changing it. It’s disrespectful imo. If your name bothers you that much then use a nickname. If that was my daughter I’d be telling her to show some respect for her parents.
What about the parents showing respect for their daughter and her wishes?

Your life, your choice of jobs being limited matter.
It’s disrespectful if they expect you to let your opportunities in life be lessened by their poor choice.

Rangoon · 15/08/2021 02:59

I wish I'd had the initiative to change the dreary Scots name I got landed with. We're not even Scottish. My father misrembered his late mother's name (who died when he was a child) and landed me with the Scottish horror instead. I mean there were only four letters he had to remember in the right order. I have been toying with changing it to the name I was meant to have been called but the thought of the paper work puts me off.

Rangoon · 15/08/2021 03:01

Sorry meant to say Rose Josephine sounds very timeless and the Empress Josephine was famous for her rose growing.

Plumtree391 · 15/08/2021 03:14

I probably am a bit out of things actually, JustLyra, I've been retired a while. I didn't realise 'Starlight' was your actual birth name, sorry.

If I was shortlisting people for a job and there was a candidate with that name I would have thought, "Unusual name!", but it would not have prejudiced me against them. I feel a bit annoyed that it has caused you such problems, it's just plain unfair. I have come across 'Star' as a name and of course, 'Stella', which means the same, both quite charming.

There was a period during which which parents gave their children names like, "Rainbow', which is in the same category as yours. Neither are unpleasant in my opinion but conjour up a hippyish vibe.

Well you changed your name so all is good now I hope.

Mckmck · 15/08/2021 03:17

@GoWalkabout

In teenage years you need to let them win some battles, and stay supportive. Show that her feelings matter as much as yours so she can start to navigate the world as an adult.
Spot on
Plumtree391 · 15/08/2021 03:19

PS: I see others have also expressed surprise at what I said so my above post is also for Paulinna and others.

JustLyra · 15/08/2021 04:08

@Plumtree391

I probably am a bit out of things actually, JustLyra, I've been retired a while. I didn't realise 'Starlight' was your actual birth name, sorry.

If I was shortlisting people for a job and there was a candidate with that name I would have thought, "Unusual name!", but it would not have prejudiced me against them. I feel a bit annoyed that it has caused you such problems, it's just plain unfair. I have come across 'Star' as a name and of course, 'Stella', which means the same, both quite charming.

There was a period during which which parents gave their children names like, "Rainbow', which is in the same category as yours. Neither are unpleasant in my opinion but conjour up a hippyish vibe.

Well you changed your name so all is good now I hope.

Life is unfair; many people judge and form opinions on your name, what school you went to, what Uni you went to when you apply for jobs and it’s naive to think otherwise. Even the “hippyish” vibe you mention - can you not see how that could go against someone in certain situations? Say a very corporate set up or a traditional place?

Thankfully my grandparents (I lived with them since age 7) were extremely supportive and understood the bullying that came with such a stupid name (mine was emphasised by the fact that my siblings had typical names along the lines of Gary/Darren/Mark/ Louise/Sarah which were the time and usual)and allowed me to change mine at 14.

Plumtree391 · 15/08/2021 04:35

Good for your grandparents.

Names are so important. Sometimes I think it is better to go for Jane, Sarah, Mark or something else nice and ordinary.

However nobody should be judged on their name, none of us are responsible for what our parents call us.

I'm sorry you had that experience.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 15/08/2021 05:30

@Paulinna

I hate my birth name, it makes people perceive me negatively and has undoubtedly cost me jobs. But I’m not so selfish as to upset my parents by changing it. It’s disrespectful imo. If your name bothers you that much then use a nickname. If that was my daughter I’d be telling her to show some respect for her parents.
I don't think it's selfish to change your name. My DC have unusual first names that DH and I love, but if any of them ever want to change their name and have showed their commitment to that, like OPs daughter, no way I'd stand in their way. It's their life, their body, their name, not mine.