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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not let my daughter change her name?

510 replies

katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 16:09

My daughter wants to change her name to Rose, however I believe she should keep her birth name until the age of 18. I’m aware she can change it without my permission as she’s 16 however I’m hoping she wouldn’t as she knows I’m unhappy with it. It was the name I chose for her and I do believe her reasoning for wanting to change her name (too masculine) is wrong. Shes been using Rose as her name with some of her school friends and her online friends for over a year.

OP posts:
BruceFoxton · 14/08/2021 20:18

I strongly urge you to do whatever you can to celebrate the name that your daughter wants. It’s an issue of her identity and for a parent not to approve of identity causes huge damage. We may not always find it easy but it will be much appreciated as an act of unconditional love. I’ve been dealing with a serious safeguarding case where parents felt unable to support their child and the child has been dangerously miserable.

Lovemusic33 · 14/08/2021 20:18

Why are people posting other name suggestions? 🤣, Rose is what she wants her name to be and she has been using it with friends for a while.

OP, let her change her name, Rose is a lovely elegant name, unlike Kody which is a lovely name for a boy. Changing her name won’t change who she is.

AliceMcK · 14/08/2021 20:21

Kody/Cody to me is definitely a boys name.

Just not a young child, she’s a teenager who knows her own mind and has been using the name for over a year.

It sounds like your more bothered her father is supporting her and the connections with his family than what your daughter wants. Your also annoyed she dosnt like an unusual name you chose for her.

AliceMcK · 14/08/2021 20:22

Opps Shes*

LozzaChops101 · 14/08/2021 20:24

I really like Kody as a name, but if it's making her miserable then I think you should let her change it. SadThanks

sleeponeday · 14/08/2021 20:24

I sympathise with how hurt you are - choosing your beautiful new baby's name is a really big deal. But she's the one who has to live with that name, and if she hates it, that's hard.

Might she be willing to have it added as a middle name, legally, and use it for all purposes? Banks etc are fine with that - I know someone whose parents used the middle name from birth, as otherwise the initials were an obscenity, phonetically. (Think CNT v NCT) That way the name you loved and chose isn't lost, but she can still use one she loves and feels happy with, too. She could also of course have it as her new first name, but retain Kody as a middle one.

It's a very painful way to have a child assert independence, I accept that, but I think if you talk it through and explain why you're hurt, but accept it's important to her, it can only help your relationship.

We called ours names that have long and abbreviated versions in case they hated them when they were older, too. It's more common than people realise, I think.

CutePanda · 14/08/2021 20:27

Apparently Cody means 'son of otto' or 'son of the helpful one.’ It is definitely a boy’s name. I’m not surprised she wants to change her name to something more feminine.

Frazzled2207 · 14/08/2021 20:28

Rose is a lovely choice
I’d be supportive tbh

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 14/08/2021 20:30

Kody?? What on earth possessed you? No wonder she wants to change it to something nice and normal.

IMO Rose is a lovely name.

Livvielo · 14/08/2021 20:39

My DD’s names are Hannah Rosalie and Louisa Lily. They both prefer their middle names to their first names, but I do hope they never change their names. However if they did, I would grin and bear it. I have to say with the name Kody, I can see why. Not only is it masculine, she probably gets fed up of spelling it? I know two males with that name, but both are Cody. I think that’s the usual spelling.

MirandaBlu · 14/08/2021 20:39

@KurtWilde

Why would she let you still call her kody? That won't be her name anymore.
She might or might not, there's no one size fits all. My friend who changed her name at 18 had no problem with, for example, her grandparents or childhood friends calling her by her birth name. It's sort of natural, in a transition, and there are a million reasons why someone would allow it. Are you really so insulated that you need them all listed out Hmm?
DixonD · 14/08/2021 20:43

@katherine1983

If she waits until 18, I thought it would be easier for her qualifications to all be in the same name. Her father supports it but I’m just unsure. Maybe you’re right as she’s been using it for a year she won’t change her mind. That was my biggest worry, her changing it then wanting it changed back
So? It’s easy enough to change it back again. It’s not like a tattoo!
katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 21:00

Indeed, i guess it would just be another deed poll. Not sure her school would be appreciative as they’re remarkably slow when it comes to changing details Grin

OP posts:
MessyLifeCleanHouse · 14/08/2021 21:01

Rose is MUCH better than Kody IMO, she’s right it’s very masculine. It’s her name, she seems very certain and her mind is made up.

eekbumbler · 14/08/2021 21:09

@katherine1983

For those asking too, her name is Kody.
Stopping reading right there.

Have a lovely life Rose!

Rivermonsters · 14/08/2021 21:12

Poor DD. “Kody” is an awful name, were you on drugs when you picked it?

Liv2015 · 14/08/2021 21:12

Some people are being really mean over the name Kody!

There was a boy in my year at school called Cody 30 odd years ago! As a pp said Cody in Neighbours too.

52andblue · 14/08/2021 21:19

@katherine1983

There’s no reason for Kody, I just liked it. I just think most people without knowing why she changed it would think she was trying to run from something.
even if she was... that's her business. I always wanted to change my name (it reminded me of CSA) I finally did it aged 27. My family of origin still refuse to use my name. (you can see my age above). They grumped during my wedding vows. They wont' send Xmas cards etc to my new name. It's a control thing. When I told my Mother my baby son's name she said: 'and what was your 2nd choice'. I am getting Divorced. She wont' use my 'new' surname either (old maiden name) Bonkers! I am not saying you are like this OP, but I think you have to let your Dd use the name she wants to be known by. With good grace. It's 'just a name' but it's important to her - it's her chosen identity.
altiara · 14/08/2021 21:22

If she’s been thinking of this since she was 13 and spent a year being called Rose by her friends, then I’d accept that she is mature enough to have thought it through and practised using her new name.
It’s not a rejection of you even though you might feel that way, but for her, her name is part of her identity.
Feel proud you’ve raised a strong, confident girl who is able to make decisions after researching them.

Plumtree391 · 14/08/2021 21:23

@Liv2015

Some people are being really mean over the name Kody! There was a boy in my year at school called Cody 30 odd years ago! As a pp said Cody in Neighbours too.
I've never met a Cody, or a Kody.
TrickyD · 14/08/2021 21:26

@katherine1983

She was unaware of the family ties with the name Rose and variants when she started using it as we only just found out about them. I am thankful it isn’t something ridiculous, Rose is quite tame and classy in comparison to what i’d expect.
Rather more classy than ‘Kody’.
Disfordarkchocolate · 14/08/2021 21:27

Kody to me is a boys name so I can see her point. I'd be upset too if any of my children did this, it feels like a rejection. However, as there is nothing you can do you just need to accept it gracefully.

katherine1983 · 14/08/2021 21:28

I’m sorry to hear of your bad experiences.

OP posts:
Rivermonsters · 14/08/2021 21:30

@Liv2015 yeh a boy not a girl

DinaofCloud9 · 14/08/2021 21:40

The comments on here would be completely different if the daughter wanted to change her name from Rose to Kody.

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