To find eating out with my parents embarrassing and frustrating?

[NeonJellyBaby]

My parents are both fussy eaters. Both are very ‘meat and two veg’ and traditional. DF is a nightmare to feed, although in fairness he admits it. DM on the other hand is marginally better, but still very picky and would hit the roof if you pointed out how limited her diet is. She has a made up ‘dairy allergy’. She isn’t allergic to it, she just doesn’t like cheese or butter, but as you can imagine that brings its own problems when eating out. She also doesn’t have any problems eating ice cream. So allergy my arse!

Eating out anywhere nice is a nightmare. They will only eat very bland stuff, British stuff nothing fancy. No creamy or spicy sauces. Think egg and chips, pie and chips, gammon and chips, fish and chips. But even then they will get funny if it’s too fancy and not traditional. DM will eat a curry but only the blandest one on the menu. If you go out for Sunday lunch they will reel off all the stuff they don’t want on their plate whilst ordering. Meat has to be cremated or it will be sent back.

A few years ago DB, SSIL and I took them out for a lovely meal for DF’s milestone birthday and they moaned about how fancy and rich it was and there wasn’t really much they liked on the menu (there was loads on the menu). It was an American style upmarket chain place, think Miller and Carter type price range.Food was amazing. It was mortifying.

DM has now asked me to go out to lunch with her today. Guess what? She’s already turned down an Italian place because ‘everything has cheese on it(no it doesn’t), a tapas place because cheese again (once again not everything has cheese on it because I fucking looked), she ‘doesn’t fancy’ Chinese and ‘doesn’t like Thai’.. Looks like it will be the Marstons two for one shit shoved in a microwave again place doesn’t it.. I’d say sod if and suggest McDonalds but she’d probably find fault with that as well.

I love them and want to spend time with them but honestly going anywhere with them is a fucking minefield. AIBU to find them a bit embarrassing?

@fairyliz. I'm with you on this one. Would you criticise a vegan / crohns sufferer?Live and let live mutual respect.

@bemusedmoose

Nice carvery roast where they can dish the veg and saving you the moaning? Or a cafe for coffee and cake?

Bloody nightmare dealing with people like that - we have allergies to accommodate but it is not as bad eating out as with your lot!

Yum yum to the carvery. That hits the spot for me every time, you can't beat a good roast.

Cafe for coffee and cake is good too.

I am your parents! I haven’t read all the replies, so others may have said this, but I wanted to share how they might be feeling.

I HATE going out for a meal with people because of this. I find it extremely embarrassing. So if we go out, I have to check the menu in advance, and if a pub type meal I offer to go up to the bar to place the order so the others don’t hear my fussiness. I get really, really anxious as soon as anyone starts talking about going out for a meal because I know that they might want to go for something that’s non-English food (I can cope with Italian as I can usually get a steak there but that’s it) and I really don’t like it. Years ago my friend arranged to go for a set meal Chinese for her birthday. I didn’t eat a single thing, but still had to pay the set meal price because I was part of the party.

I would imagine your mum says she’s allergic because that’s more acceptable these days than saying you’re fussy. I’ve even considered it because I hate that look you get.

Fussy eating isn’t a choice - and it’s really hard to explain to people who get to enjoy all types of foods. I would love to enjoy spicy food, or any sort of food with seasoning, or even just like cheese as that would open up a hell of a lot more choices for me.

You aren’t going out often with your parents - would it kill you on those occasions to just go for something they enjoy, as presumably they’ll be something that you like on the menu too - even if it’s not as “posh” as you’d usually like? Any other time you go out you can do what you like, where you like. But if you take them to somewhere there’s nothing they like, you are choosing to embarrass them. They aren’t doing this to embarrass you! Try having some empathy for them, because how you’re talking is exactly why I hate/avoid going out for meals with anyone.

I don’t mind that my DM is a fussy eater, she can’t help it. There’s lots of things she doesn’t like.

But I do mind that she acts like everyone else is unreasonable for adding certain flavours/sauces/ingredients because SHE doesn’t like them, when meals can be easily adapted if she just communicated her requirements. For example, we went to a lovely burger place and the chicken one she chose clearly said it came with mayonnaise. She doesn’t like mayonnaise but she forgot/didn’t ask for it not to have mayonnaise (I’d been changing DS’ nappy when she ordered) so of course, it came with mayonnaise and she was really put out, but wouldn’t say anything, and it marred the whole meal. ‘Why does everything have mayonnaise? Ugh it’s on everything…not everyone likes it you know…’ etc etc etc. I felt guilty for enjoying mine. Then she acted really awkwardly when the waiter asked if everything had been ok, and her meal sat uneaten. ‘I don’t like mayonnaise!’ she said to him, and he was furiously apologetic and offered to make another one for her while I sat there cringing because if she’d just said ‘can I have mine with no mayo?’ it would have been fine. This sort of thing has happened a few times and it makes me feel really awkward, and sad for her that she can’t enjoy her meal.

It's not the fussy eating thets the issue. It's the whining and fussing. Making sure everyone knows that you're a fussy bugger and generally making the whole thing as miserable for everyone as you can.

Just STFU and find something you can eat, don't ruddy go or eat before you do and just have a couple or drinks and some nibbles.

Is that so, @longwayoff? I hadn't thought of that. Would you mind saying how old you are? No-one seems to have told my 84 year old mother or 90 year old father (especially my father) both of whom hoover up everything offered and will cheerfully go for thirds.

Digestion very commonly worsens with age. And intolerances can develop later in life. For example the body produces less lactase as you get older, so it's pretty common to become lactose intolerant when older. Obviously that doesn't mean that literally everybody gets digestion problems when they get older. Your remark about your parents sounds a bit like those people saying "Smoking can't be that bad for you - my gran smoked all her life and livee until she was 103".

why is she asking you out to lunch when she doesn't really like eating out?
Who's paying? If her, go and order and something simple (like a starter) so that she's not eating alone but plan to have your real meal later.
If you, ........don't go where you won't like the food.
If pay your own, see option 2.
Or you can just say no. It's too difficult to find suitable food and that makes it too stressful.

My mum was like that too, when she visited from abroad we had to go to a Little Chef for their gammon egg and chips 😮 ... it kept her happy but me and DB were at a loss for words --- and decent food 😆

what's wrong with gammon. egg and chips.
i don't eat meat, but if i did, that would be fine.
some of these comments sounds so snobby, and intolerant, and ungenerous, ungracious. wanting to go to little chef, easy, no problem.
if you love and respect your parents, then surely you are glad to see them, and the venue/menu is of no importance.
some people's priorities are incomprehensible to me.

Are fussy eaters fussy when there are no other options?

yanbu.
Can’t stand picky eaters. It seems so childish. I went out with a lovely man once, but the 4th date was the last because I found out he “doesn’t like veg”

@IamFrozen

yanbu. Can’t stand picky eaters. It seems so childish. I went out with a lovely man once, but the 4th date was the last because I found out he “doesn’t like veg”

It was probably best for the both of you that you didn’t continue seeing one another.

Our DC will be on Mumsnet in 30 or whatever years time scoffing at how we only eat poke bowls, little tiny sharing starters and plant based stuff when we go out to eat.
Gammon, egg and Chips, what’s wrong with that?

It's even worse when it is your DH. I blame a childhood of being regularly fed meat and two veg type dinners and nothing else so his palate never had the chance to try anything spicy or n fact tasty.

It took two decades to persuade him that meat that was not well done to the point of burnt actually tasted better and was easier to cut. He will not try anything outside of his comfort zone.

Going on holiday abroad is a nightmare. We have to look at menus for at least 10 different places to try and find a single thing he will actually try to eat. I love seafood but he does not so I never get to eat out in the lovely, fresh sea food restaurants.

Most days we have to cook him something different from the rest of the family because I refuse to allow my own children turning into such picky adults. They both eat a wide range of foods. He sticks to his meat and two veg, pie, shepherds pie combo.

@ElephantOfRisk

It would drive me mad too OP. I'm not a snob, but i do value decent food and that doesn't necessarily mean expensive. Happy to sit at a formica table and eat really good chinese rather than something out a bag or just poorly cooked. It just seems such a waste of money and time to eat low quality stuff. Lots of people don't care, some just like a big portion regardless of the quality.

However, not everyone has the same values on what they eat, maybe they don't taste stuff well or just value the ambiance and the company more.

I'd rather go out less often if it was more expensive.

After many years of encouraging DSs to be bolder and more adventurous, DS2s steady girlfriend is quite restricted in what she eats, we try to get a happy medium with good quality food with plainer options as we also want to include her and have her enjoy her meal, but at the end of the day we'd put her being included above the food. WE've managed to have everyone happy so far.

I agree that a nice cafe and going for lunches if you can might be easier.

This! I love my food and really well cooked and tasty street food can be as amazing an experience as a Michelin-starred place. To me it's about the quality of the ingredients and the skill used in putting them together. That's what eating in a restaurant is about. To many it appears they just want 'lots of food' and couldn't give too hoots about quality or they 'just like what they like' and won't deviate.

I used to go out with a guy whose parents were very much in the 'beige buffet brigade' and I don't care how snobby it makes me, but it's just a waste of calories if all the food comes frozen from Iceland.

Food is a joy, something to be savoured and shared and revelled in. If the OP's parents are anything like the beige buffet brigade you have my every sympathy.

*Two hoots!