To find eating out with my parents embarrassing and frustrating?

[NeonJellyBaby]

My parents are both fussy eaters. Both are very ‘meat and two veg’ and traditional. DF is a nightmare to feed, although in fairness he admits it. DM on the other hand is marginally better, but still very picky and would hit the roof if you pointed out how limited her diet is. She has a made up ‘dairy allergy’. She isn’t allergic to it, she just doesn’t like cheese or butter, but as you can imagine that brings its own problems when eating out. She also doesn’t have any problems eating ice cream. So allergy my arse!

Eating out anywhere nice is a nightmare. They will only eat very bland stuff, British stuff nothing fancy. No creamy or spicy sauces. Think egg and chips, pie and chips, gammon and chips, fish and chips. But even then they will get funny if it’s too fancy and not traditional. DM will eat a curry but only the blandest one on the menu. If you go out for Sunday lunch they will reel off all the stuff they don’t want on their plate whilst ordering. Meat has to be cremated or it will be sent back.

A few years ago DB, SSIL and I took them out for a lovely meal for DF’s milestone birthday and they moaned about how fancy and rich it was and there wasn’t really much they liked on the menu (there was loads on the menu). It was an American style upmarket chain place, think Miller and Carter type price range.Food was amazing. It was mortifying.

DM has now asked me to go out to lunch with her today. Guess what? She’s already turned down an Italian place because ‘everything has cheese on it(no it doesn’t), a tapas place because cheese again (once again not everything has cheese on it because I fucking looked), she ‘doesn’t fancy’ Chinese and ‘doesn’t like Thai’.. Looks like it will be the Marstons two for one shit shoved in a microwave again place doesn’t it.. I’d say sod if and suggest McDonalds but she’d probably find fault with that as well.

I love them and want to spend time with them but honestly going anywhere with them is a fucking minefield. AIBU to find them a bit embarrassing?

[quote OnceUponAMidnightBeery]**@Killahangilion* sounds like @SchrodingersImmigrant* is up for a good meal out too

please live somewhere near me both of you. I’m broke but would save for months for a decent meal out [/quote]
Aww I am NW england. That's bit far isn't it. Shame!

Christ. Who could put up with that?

Tell her, you're not eating out with her anymore because of her issues with food and not to argue. Shut that down before it starts.

My MIL is like this but insists on ordering the most expensive thing from the menu snd then won’t eat it because the steak hasn’t been cremated. She doesn’t really eat anything else that is served in restaurants but also won’t eat steak…. Might eat salmon if lucky. Always wants to complain and spends ages picking over every aspect of how crap the place is…. Soul destroying going out with her, she also says ‘ew yuck’ to other people’s meals which I find so rude. And they could be very basic things such as pasta which she won’t eat. Along with a long list of other items. So boring!! And really puts me off going out with her.

So, you're frustrated and embarrassed by your parents because they don't enjoy as broad a range of foods as you would like them to, and this reduces your enjoyment of dining with them.

Maybe they're frustrated and embarrassed by the poor etiquette you demonstrate every time you take them to eat somewhere you know they won't enjoy.

@SchrodingersImmigrant drat. And double drat!

If you’re ever on holiday this way the offer stands! Sadly I’m unlikely to be in your neck of the woods for quite some time.... I’ll PM you if I am though (and you can feel totally free to ignore me ) Oh for a good meal out with good company... sigh...

My parents are like this- my sister and I just joke about it. We go to the places they choose on the odd occasion we go to eat with them, it won’t be a place we’d pick but that’s fine we are seeing them to see them- we can eat the food we’d pick on our own time. You sound like a snob I’m sorry to say.

@NeonJellyBaby. What they might not tell you is that some foods leave them stuck in the bathroom for half a day. Intolerances to foods change as you age. It's an embarrassment but true

Just go somewhere that caters to their taste. You can't widen someone's liking of cuisines / food if they do not wish to do it.

@OnceUponAMidnightBeery
@SchrodingersImmigrant

I live on the Wild Atlantic Way coast in south west Ireland and we usually have a fabulous food festival in West Cork in September. It’s amazing. 🥰 (Sadly cancelled last year.)

Lots of stalls selling yummy stuff so I ALWAYS go and fill up my fridge and freezer. It’s almost as good as eating out.

Maybe take a few days holiday….?

My mum is a bit like this.

The odd meal out in this country is fine. We know the local restaurants that offer things we all like (gastropubs that do an approved fish and chips, essentially) and thankfully the years of the harvester or local pub doing microwaved stuff are over.

However, we go on holiday together most years and there is always trouble over food then. I want to try things, whereas it’s a battle to find anything she will order. She will also complain if the food isn’t great quality - which it often isn’t because we’re going for safe instead of local or cooked by someone actually interested in food. So we’re looking for something bland and beige, but cooked perfectly. Istria was a low point. Wouldn’t entertain the idea of eating seafood and at one point complained there was nothing Italian - the local cuisine IS essentially based on Italian food (with a lot of seafood). Just not featuring the dishes you’d typically find at Prezzo or Zizzi! She was also constantly pushing just to buy a piece cake and eat it in the apartment, her interpretation of self-catering. A slice of cake is not a satisfying holiday meal in my book.

It's perfectly ok to say no or to express your food preferences. I'm a little unsure why you suggest so many options like Thai or Italian when you clearly state they only eat a meat and two veg kind of diet.

I think if it were me I would just say, no, sorry that doesn't work for me, and go out where you want to go without them.

@ThatIsUntilBertRaccoonWakesUp

My DM won’t eat:

Onions, or any food containing onions
Garlic, or any food containing garlic
Pasta
Noodles
Curry, of any kind
Chinese or Thai food
Sauce, unless HP or ketchup
Prawns
Sushi

We usually find the best balance at a decent country pub. She’ll get scampi or a steak, and will eat fish and chips. Takeaway pizza is ok, as long as it’s relatively plain (margherita with chicken/peppers).

I feel your pain OP!

I thought my mother had another child for a moment there and I had a sister I didn't know about until I saw that yours would have chicken on her pizza 🍕

I’ve realised I’ve said my DM wouldn’t eat prawns, yet she does eat scampi; she wouldn’t eat one that wasn’t battered and fried.

Kindlethefourth I do love my DM to bits but it can be awkward eating out. Even after hating onions for her entire life she will sometimes forget to ask the waiting staff for a salad without onions (for example), then she’ll be cross when they’re included. She once sat in Pizza Express, read through their entire menu and huffily said ‘well they don’t have much choice!’ I was like mum, they will literally make any pizza you want (that’s how we reached the adventurous stages of a margherita with extra toppings).

But it must be rubbish not liking onions and garlic, as they are in a lot of foods - she was very happy I did like them, apparently I went absolutely mad over garlic bread when I was about at a birthday party in an Italian restaurant, as I’d never had it before

@Killahangilion @OnceUponAMidnightBeery
Aww! That is a shame.
I hope you find someone to go soon!

Something I have done when not keen on the mains is to choose a starter and ask for that as a main course restaurants are always happy to do that

Really not seeing the issue. Just let them choose and book the restaurant.

I am surprised that these people are still alive with such restrictive diets. Especially the ones who like their food charred. (Huge cancer risk)
Even their fruit and veg intake must be severely limited.
They must be storing up so many health problems.

It's pretty clear that there are fussy eaters, and then there are PERFORMATIVE fussy eaters.

I have friends with restricted diets for various reasons, and I didn't even know about this for quite a long time - despite frequently eating out with them. Because they handled their dislikes, allergies and intolerances themselves without making a drama out of it.

Then there are the ones whose dislikes and allergies seem to change on a weekly basis, who object to every possible solution or compromise and who still end up sighing and making faces throughout the meal.

For all the people saying - just don't eat with them - it's so hard to do this. If you live any distance from family how can you see them if it doesn't go accross a mealtime?

But there’s a difference between having to have a meal out from a practical point of view, and choosing to take someone to a fancy restaurant for their birthday treat when you know they’re a picky eater. (Although I did enjoy the description of Miller and Carter as ‘upmarket’!)

One of my best friends only eats very plain food and is very honest about the fact that he has no intention of changing. Whilst that might sound rigid, I’ve come to the conclusion that it heads off a lot of ‘But why don’t you just try Food X’ and ‘But surely you’d eat Food Y?’ type comments. For a special occasion, he’ll try to find something he can handle eating, but more often than not, he’ll get KFC or something and join us in the pub afterwards. We went away recently and another member of the group, who doesn’t know him as well as I do, kept trying to ‘rescue’ him, saying she was sure she could find somewhere we’d all enjoy. He eventually got through to her that it was better for him, as well as us, if the people who would enjoy a meal out chose where to go rather than picking a restaurant based on something he’d probably merely tolerate anyway.

OP - if you HAVE to eat out with your parents, I’d accept they won’t change and pick somewhere basic like a pub or carvery. When it comes to eating out for pleasure, stick to doing it with your partner or friends who’d actually enjoy it. Do something else to spend time with your parents.

You took them out for a “lovely” meal. For you, not them, obviously. Next time, ask them where they would like to go.
I’m discovering that one of the great things about getting older is that I really don’t have to go anywhere I don’t want to (I’ll eat anything, btw ) or with people I don’t want to go with.

@rachelvbwho

My mum and her partner are just like this but generally I don't see it as a huge issue.

I know that if I am going out for lunch with them to pick the Harvester/Brewers Fair/ pub type deal and they will be happy.

I can go to the "fancy" places without them. Its not hard.... Just don't get worked up about it and enjoy a little eye roll with your partner about it.

Ultimately you ABU as you know what they like and don't like and are still judging and pushing them to change.

I agree with this.

My mum had weird food issues, basically only ate to stay alive. I ended up spending my 30s and 40s discovering all sorts of food, but when it came time to eat out with mum and dad, I picked places where I knew mum would find something to eat.

Why? Because I loved my mum and cared enough not to force food on her that she didn't like and wouldn't eat. It wasn't so often, as mum and I frequently went to a local cafe for coffee with other female relatives instead, we had our social life that way.

And Miller and Carter isn't upmarket, it's owned by the same parent company who own Harvesters, Toby Carvery, Ember Inns and quite a few other chains.

Let them choose and go for meals you enjoy yourself.

After reading through all this I'm now deciding whether to go out for a carvery this week or a Morrisons cafe all day breakfast

Sorry I’ve taken so long to come back, we did manage to compromise in the end but DM has since complained that the meal she had was too rich and has upset her stomach 🙄. She did eat it all and said it was nice though, so it wasn’t all bad.

To those posters who’ve mentioned going to a carvary, they can also be problematic as DM will be able to tell immediately if the veg has been cooked in butter. She also won’t touch the roast potatoes if they’ve been cooked in herbs, which I find a lot places do now. We don’t have a Toby Carvary near us so that’s not an option sadly.

Just don't arrange activities with them where eating is the main focus. Meet them for a drink after you have eaten, have a day out at the zoo, park, stately home, etc where you just get a snack lunch or take sandwiches. So enjoy their company without their fussy eating spoiling it.

Basically just treat them like toddlers