To find eating out with my parents embarrassing and frustrating?

[NeonJellyBaby]

My parents are both fussy eaters. Both are very ‘meat and two veg’ and traditional. DF is a nightmare to feed, although in fairness he admits it. DM on the other hand is marginally better, but still very picky and would hit the roof if you pointed out how limited her diet is. She has a made up ‘dairy allergy’. She isn’t allergic to it, she just doesn’t like cheese or butter, but as you can imagine that brings its own problems when eating out. She also doesn’t have any problems eating ice cream. So allergy my arse!

Eating out anywhere nice is a nightmare. They will only eat very bland stuff, British stuff nothing fancy. No creamy or spicy sauces. Think egg and chips, pie and chips, gammon and chips, fish and chips. But even then they will get funny if it’s too fancy and not traditional. DM will eat a curry but only the blandest one on the menu. If you go out for Sunday lunch they will reel off all the stuff they don’t want on their plate whilst ordering. Meat has to be cremated or it will be sent back.

A few years ago DB, SSIL and I took them out for a lovely meal for DF’s milestone birthday and they moaned about how fancy and rich it was and there wasn’t really much they liked on the menu (there was loads on the menu). It was an American style upmarket chain place, think Miller and Carter type price range.Food was amazing. It was mortifying.

DM has now asked me to go out to lunch with her today. Guess what? She’s already turned down an Italian place because ‘everything has cheese on it(no it doesn’t), a tapas place because cheese again (once again not everything has cheese on it because I fucking looked), she ‘doesn’t fancy’ Chinese and ‘doesn’t like Thai’.. Looks like it will be the Marstons two for one shit shoved in a microwave again place doesn’t it.. I’d say sod if and suggest McDonalds but she’d probably find fault with that as well.

I love them and want to spend time with them but honestly going anywhere with them is a fucking minefield. AIBU to find them a bit embarrassing?

But why take them out for food if they clearly hate doing it?

Ask them what they really like and cook it for them.

Or is it because you actually want a nice meal out or it’s just easier ? That’s not them that’s the problem then is it. If they aren’t bothered about going out.

I'm of the old-fashioned 'short of definite diagnosed allergies, kids should eat what is put in front of them' school.

The thing is, not all physical problems with food are easily-diagnosed allergies. I have Crohns disease, with my symptoms starting at 5; but it was not diagnosed until much later, as at that time the medical profession thought that children could not have it. So that high-fibre or overly spicy foods could make me quite ill - and it wasn't an allergy; and many people thought I was just a fussy eater and that I was rude and ungrateful to hosts if I didn't eat everything offered. As a result, for many years I was utterly terrified of going anywhere where I might possibly be expected to eat, especially celebratory occasions; and this badly restricted my social life.

I don't think that adults should go to the other extreme, mentioned in the post that you quote, of positively encouraging and rewarding children's fussiness; but I think that one should not be too quick to assume that they are just being fussy or rude.

The OP is of course talking about older people, rather than children; but some of the same things apply.

So you are embarrassed of your parents because they like different food to you. Different does not mean bad. Things like gammon/pie/fish are standard on most decent pub menus. I am sure you could find a great pub serving these things.
Are you embarrassed by anyone who has different tastes to you? My mum sounds like your parents (Dad will eat anything). I would never take her for an Indian as she doesn't like it. Why would I?

@Harlequin1088

One of my absolute pet hates is fussy eaters. I just think it's the absolute height of first world privilege and something that makes me desperately uncomfortable when I think of all the people in the world who don't have the luxury of being able to turn their nose up at perfectly edible food. I completely sympathise with you, OP. I get that you want to spend time with your parents but if they're this bad, then I'd suggest only doing activities with them that don't involve eating. If they ask why, just tell them it's because their eating habits are utterly embarrassing. I think that's fair when you're making the effort to book nice places to take them to and they just complain about the food at every single one.

This.

It's also one of my pet hates. There's nothing worse than a picky eater, especially an adult picky eater. It's so embarrassing and (and I don't care if this makes me a snob) a bit common. Of course it starts in childhood, when a parent is either themselves a picky eater and sees nothing wrong with it, or is spoiling the child for some reason. We've a couple of picky eaters in our family (both of whom are the only overweight ones in the family, funnily enough). One of them was a youngest child, younger than their siblings by quite a few years, and had their food 'preferences' pandered to by the mother. It hasn't done them any good in the long run as they've always struggled with weight as an adult. The older siblings who were brought up under a more traditional regime where you eat what's prepared for you and you don't leave the table until you've cleared your plate, all have much more varied diet and don't have the same weight issues. I've always felt there was a link.

Bloody hell. It's only dinner. Get over it.

@yellowsofa

My DM will eat anything, except the meal she has ordered as mine looks better, always. I'm onto her though so I just swap with her. She loves that as it gives her the power to deny me the pleasure of the meal I want...which she hasn't as I'm expecting it! Then she wants every bloody condiment that they haven't offered her already. That's just to show the staff who's boss. Groan. Next there will be a problem with a piece of cutlery for sure, that needs exchanging. Extra napkins please. Only take her to one place now - Bettys in Harrogate - they can cope with her. Doesn't want pudding, except I know she does and will promptly want and take mine so I order what I like, whizz a few spoonfuls down as I watch her sad puppy dog eyes and pass her my pudding as she says 'oh, don't you want it'. It's a game, she believes she's won and it's like she's never done it before every time. Been going on for decades. My DD obviously had to deal with it before he died. The best bit is I get to pay too. But she's then happy as she thinks she's got one over on me. Total narcissist.

That sounds fucking hellish - I couldn’t bear to give her the satisfaction! I say that with a textbook narcissistic mother, myself.

When eating out with them just go to the places they want to go to and save the other places for when they aren't with you.

As annoying as you seem to find it, they are allowed to eat what they want to, it's nothing to do with you.

As for being "embarrassed" by their eating habits - grow up!

yellowsofa
Sounds exactly the same as my Dmil. Doesn’t do it with me but would order something that you knew she was never going to eat.Then get everyone to swap meals. Her family just accepted it.
I am vegetarian so wouldn’t eat anyone else’s meal.
Or she would ask if the chef could make her a particular side dish that wasn’t on the menu. Then wouldn’t eat it.
She would also ask the waiting staff to explain every item on the menu.

My BIL is like this and was a dick about it as well, when our family group of 7 adults ended up at a decent locally-owned restaurant for our summer get-together instead of one of his only two preferences (Pizza Hut or Frankie and Bennies) he sat silently and ordered chips which he didn't eat because he was sulking too hard to get him in his mouth. At 40 something years old! This was after literally four years running of one of his places.

So the next time, when he rolled his eyes at the suggestion of an adult's restaurant, we were ready. We said fine let's go to Pizza Hut- where we all ordered non-alcoholic drinks and no food at all and chatted pleasantly while BIL sat there looking like an idiot with his pizza buffet. Yes, the waiter thought we were nuts. Yes, we tipped well. And yes we did run into my nieces at McDonald's afterwards.

Why go out for a meal with them if no one will enjoy it?

My MIL is like this. She is vegan, dairy free, gluten free and 'allergic' to various other things like citrus and tomatoes. Finding something she will eat is a nightmare so I have just given up.

When we got out we go to the theatre or a concert or a museum/ gallery/ NT place and she might have a herbal tea in the cafe.

If she comes to stay she brings her own stuff and I largely don't even try to cook for her. I think she actually has an ED and food makes her very anxious (whereas in my family sharing food is a joyful thing and an essential part of hospitality)

She is mid 70s. She is not going to change now so we just work around it.

My DM was exactly like this. She would not eat bacon or ham but would eat sausages, cremated beef but not steak, only chips or roast potatoes never pasta or rice, only plaice never cold or haddock. She had never even tried anything different and would sneer at everyone's else's dinner. Absolutely insufferable. All for more attention ...

Yup I have similar parents OP. As others say best let them choose the venue (then they can’t blame you)!

My mum and her partner are just like this but generally I don't see it as a huge issue.

I know that if I am going out for lunch with them to pick the Harvester/Brewers Fair/ pub type deal and they will be happy.

I can go to the "fancy" places without them. Its not hard.... Just don't get worked up about it and enjoy a little eye roll with your partner about it.

Ultimately you ABU as you know what they like and don't like and are still judging and pushing them to change.

For all the people saying - just don't eat with them - it's so hard to do this.

If you live any distance from family how can you see them if it doesn't go accross a mealtime?

My own Mum is a fucking nightmare too - plus she doesn't like to have to eat in somebody else's house - they live hundres of miles away and if you go to them you can't cook yourself when you are there and it's Mum's day off on a Saturday so it involves a torturous meal out - there's no getting around it.

OP - I feel the same - they came to us last week and and presented my Mum with a beautiful hand made cream tea - delivered by a specialist company - she opened the box, sighed, closed it, opened it, sighed again, took out a sandwich, ate a bit, sighed - you get the picture - I FEEL your pain!

My parents were like this too.

I used to take them to their favourite local pub for lunch every couple of weeks on my day off or a Saturday lunchtime .

I have plenty of other people to go for a 'nice meal' with (particularly DH who isn't keen on chain pubs either )

I never found it a problem .

So yes YABU

@Killahangilion

Presumably, it’s only periodically that you have to having a boring meal out?

My DH won’t eat actual dinner type meals in a restaurant, other than a tea/coffee with cake in a cafe in the middle of the day. Even for my birthday I had to compromise by having an afternoon tea, although I’d have liked to go for an Indian or Mexican meal.

If I want a nice meal out I have to find a willing friend but with Covid, I haven’t been able to go anywhere for some time now as friends prefer to go out in their own family group.

My last meal out with friends was to a pub Christmas dinner type meal in early December 2019.

I’ve given up. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you’re anywhere near Mid Wales/English border I’ll go for a meal with you! DH basically eats to live, and only goes out for a meal for the beer and the socialising 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whereas I love food (a little too much according to my scales) and eating out, trying new places, new dishes...

Growing up my DF was very similar to OPs parents. Gammon, egg and chips, or spag bol, or steak and chips (no sauce), fish and chips, a couple of dishes from the Chinese takeaway.

Since he turned 60ish he’s much more adventurous with food! Still won’t touch garlic, but you certainly can’t pre-guess his order anymore... even tried (and liked) sushi recently. I was gob-smacked!

So what do you do if you want to visit with family who live a few hours away but can't stay overnight?

I agree it's fairly inevitable in that scenario, but if people are particularly difficult to accommodate food-wise in a restaurant, there's always a home-cooked meal or a takeaway. Not everyone enjoys meals out.

...and before anyone picks up on it, the name change fail isn't related to this thread, I change it periodically anyway.

When you go out for tea with them you are going to spend time with them, as long as there is something on the menu all is good.

They are not foody people, so you are not going with them for the food experience. You will have to look to others for your foody experiences.

And I am an awkward food person, am veggie, cannot handle spicy food and have food restrictions due to ibs, it is shit to be that person, you are either a pain/annoyance to others or you end up somewhere with little or nothing to eat. For me if there is one thing on the menu I am so relieved.

@Bluntness100

Honestly jist let them pick where to go and eat whatever there. Stop stressing about it. You can go to different places without them.

I agree.

There are loads of lovely pubs that serve traditional pub grub food . Let them decide.

My DM won’t eat:

Onions, or any food containing onions
Garlic, or any food containing garlic
Pasta
Noodles
Curry, of any kind
Chinese or Thai food
Sauce, unless HP or ketchup
Prawns
Sushi

We usually find the best balance at a decent country pub. She’ll get scampi or a steak, and will eat fish and chips. Takeaway pizza is ok, as long as it’s relatively plain (margherita with chicken/peppers).

I feel your pain OP!

@Killahangilion sounds like @SchrodingersImmigrant is up for a good meal out too

please live somewhere near me both of you. I’m broke but would save for months for a decent meal out