To find eating out with my parents embarrassing and frustrating?

[NeonJellyBaby]

My parents are both fussy eaters. Both are very ‘meat and two veg’ and traditional. DF is a nightmare to feed, although in fairness he admits it. DM on the other hand is marginally better, but still very picky and would hit the roof if you pointed out how limited her diet is. She has a made up ‘dairy allergy’. She isn’t allergic to it, she just doesn’t like cheese or butter, but as you can imagine that brings its own problems when eating out. She also doesn’t have any problems eating ice cream. So allergy my arse!

Eating out anywhere nice is a nightmare. They will only eat very bland stuff, British stuff nothing fancy. No creamy or spicy sauces. Think egg and chips, pie and chips, gammon and chips, fish and chips. But even then they will get funny if it’s too fancy and not traditional. DM will eat a curry but only the blandest one on the menu. If you go out for Sunday lunch they will reel off all the stuff they don’t want on their plate whilst ordering. Meat has to be cremated or it will be sent back.

A few years ago DB, SSIL and I took them out for a lovely meal for DF’s milestone birthday and they moaned about how fancy and rich it was and there wasn’t really much they liked on the menu (there was loads on the menu). It was an American style upmarket chain place, think Miller and Carter type price range.Food was amazing. It was mortifying.

DM has now asked me to go out to lunch with her today. Guess what? She’s already turned down an Italian place because ‘everything has cheese on it(no it doesn’t), a tapas place because cheese again (once again not everything has cheese on it because I fucking looked), she ‘doesn’t fancy’ Chinese and ‘doesn’t like Thai’.. Looks like it will be the Marstons two for one shit shoved in a microwave again place doesn’t it.. I’d say sod if and suggest McDonalds but she’d probably find fault with that as well.

I love them and want to spend time with them but honestly going anywhere with them is a fucking minefield. AIBU to find them a bit embarrassing?

But actually thinking about it surely a vegan restaurant would be the answer? Would be none of her trigger foods and I have had some LOVELY meals in vegan restaurants where I really didn't feel like I was missing out (vegan DD).

If they object to vegan the problem is their prejudices rather than any actual intolerances.

@NeonJellyBaby

Sorry I’ve taken so long to come back, we did manage to compromise in the end but DM has since complained that the meal she had was too rich and has upset her stomach 🙄. She did eat it all and said it was nice though, so it wasn’t all bad.

To those posters who’ve mentioned going to a carvary, they can also be problematic as DM will be able to tell immediately if the veg has been cooked in butter. She also won’t touch the roast potatoes if they’ve been cooked in herbs, which I find a lot places do now. We don’t have a Toby Carvary near us so that’s not an option sadly.

So mum had a stomach upset which just proves my point.

Why did you compromise as opposed to just letting her choose?
It feels like you're desperate to prove that you don't eat at crappy places.
Your parents are more important than your food credentials.

Why shouldn't people compromise on where to eat
If I would have to always go somewhere i hate I would simply stop going

[quote Killahangilion]@OnceUponAMidnightBeery
@SchrodingersImmigrant

I live on the Wild Atlantic Way coast in south west Ireland and we usually have a fabulous food festival in West Cork in September. It’s amazing. 🥰 (Sadly cancelled last year.)

Lots of stalls selling yummy stuff so I ALWAYS go and fill up my fridge and freezer. It’s almost as good as eating out.

Maybe take a few days holiday….?[/quote]
That sounds wonderful 😋 funnily enough I’m due some holiday time

I would suggest Cote or even Bills or the Ivy chain . You can get relatively exotic but also shepherd pie and fish and chips or even posh fish finger sandwiches as well as steak and chips at all of them.

OH and the other option of course is go to weatherspoons, it’s mass produced and dull but sounds like it might suit them food wise — I won’t go on principle but sounds like they might be fine with it— cheap and pretty plain.

@NeonJellyBaby

Sorry I’ve taken so long to come back, we did manage to compromise in the end but DM has since complained that the meal she had was too rich and has upset her stomach 🙄. She did eat it all and said it was nice though, so it wasn’t all bad.

To those posters who’ve mentioned going to a carvary, they can also be problematic as DM will be able to tell immediately if the veg has been cooked in butter. She also won’t touch the roast potatoes if they’ve been cooked in herbs, which I find a lot places do now. We don’t have a Toby Carvary near us so that’s not an option sadly.

My parents were the same, my brother too although his wife has convinced him to eat rice.

I don’t eat potatoes apart from a occasional jacket spud and a few chips from someone’s chippy box or after a few drinks. It not that I don’t like them, I prefer rice and grains.
I only eat chicken and fish (occasionally lamb or beef mince) again, it’s not that I don’t like them, I just prefer fish and chicken.

I’ve been looking after my dad for the last 9 months and cooking for both of us is a nightmare!

Sadly mum passed in November and dad 3 weeks ago. It was my birthday yesterday and went out with my brother, SIL and niece and I would have eaten anything if they could have been there.

Find a restaurant that has something you all like and don’t worry the small stuff.

I am feeling so guilty stopping dad having things he loved because he had many medical problems, doctors and HCP told me he had to cut back as he will die otherwise.

He died anyway. Better to be happy and die early then to live long and miserable.

My PIL'S booked their Golden Wedding Anniversary Party in a Greek restaurant. Showed up in a stretch limo ( we paid for) and moaned the driver had gone on the scenic route! Got out of the limo carrying a Lidl shopping bag with a selection of cake knives ( because, you know, restaurants don't have such things!!!). Then proceeded to moan about all the foreign muck on the menu!!! Were traumatised when I ordered Moussaka and my BIL ordered Klefticon instead of a good British meal!!!

Oh dear. This sounds so familiar. My mum in law camfor Christmas, well,many times since DIL died sadly. She was leaving after boxing day and l asked her if she would like to stay an extra day." Oh well,it will mean l won't have to cook" l cooked lamb cutlets with mashed potatoes and vichi carrots,ok not hard,but reaction was " l like my lamb fat crispy " no thanks. Another time l cooked her lobster thermidor, " too rich" was the thankyou l got. Oh well, you can't please everyone.

It’s sad that this winds you up so much. They don’t like your choices you don’t like theirs. If you want to you can say no to eating out with them or you can go to where they are happy. Both my parents are dead. I miss them. I’d love to take them to any crappy cafe that they wanted to visit. Life is too short for this I reckon, but each to their own.

My mil was like this, at one point would only eat chicken and only at a limited selection of places. If she came over she'd request certain food. We went with it but it was infuriating, very much limited the amount of time we spent with her because the easiest solution was to avoid meal times. I don't think there's much doing when they're so set in their ways.

Scones will be made with butter/margerine even if you don't put butter on them before eating and if mum says she's allergic to certain foods then the cafe/restaurant will have to be one which preps certain foods in a designated area free from nuts dairy etc.
Does the OP's mum take milk in tea or coffee?
I'd get fed up and give them the money to go somewhere on their own.
I don't eat meat, fish, shellfish, game, fowl or raisins, sultanas, glace cherries, aubergines and olives ++
I do love cod and smoked haddock, the only exceptions to other fish.
Christmas meals as most people understand them, are out.
I don't drink alcohol either.
One of my sons gets a bit irritated but I am very happy with cod and chips or beans on toast or a baked potato with cheese and salad and would really like people to accept that I just don't like those foods. I have no allergies.

Sounds like my late father in law he was a meat and 2veg and his wife would have loved to be taken to restaurants to have a rest from cooking My husband had a very limited menu when we got married Older people like to go to what they know .We took my late mum for a lovely meal but (she had early signs of dementia )she just wanted to go home

Have you actually told them how infuriating they are? How do they react?

My mum used to be a nightmare, she used to moan and complain a lot - about everything. I then just had enough and said I didn't enjoy going out for a meal with her anymore and that I was never going to choose a restaurant again. It certainly made her change her attitude, she's a lot better now.

How often do you go out with them? If it's a few times a year, let them choose the venue. If you have young children in tow, I am guessing you are going to fairly run of the mill places anyway e.g. pizza express, harvester etc. If you go out more frequently, can't you just tell them how annoying they can be?

I really REALLY doubt that ANY carvery cooks their veg in butter.

@girlmom21

Take her to a vintage inns pub if there's one local. They're fab.

Yes, I agree with this recommendation. Lots of simple meals on their menus, straightforward meat and two veg as well as more interesting things for you. Sunday lunches are very straightforward too.

Bands and F & B are pretty crap IMO. Give me a Toby carvery any day. One of the few restaurants that serves decent veg IMO.
I am not hugely fussy but I enjoy good basic meals in occasional but usually end up in Beefeater type restaurants as dh is so fussy.

Nandos

Sorry just seen that you don't have any near you. Carvery it is then!

Innocenta

Fairyliz
Surely this is just the elderly version of all those people who are vegans or have food intolerances hmm.
Or is it ok to mock because they are older?

No, because real allergies and intolerances are horrible (obviously intolerance not as bad, but can still be very unpleasant). And veganism is most often ethical, sometimes health-driven - both of which are completely reasonable explanations that no adult should find irritating.

Innocenta, Thank you for your comments on Fairyliz’s stupid remark. after a really Horrendous illness a few years back, I had a terrible autoimmune issue , and became both coeliac and anaphylactically allergic to ALL dairy ..... I find the whole thing really embarrassing . I’m not a vegan by choice but by circumstance - I didn’t eat red meat to start with but now I eat no Meat, and beCause of my very severe allergies I have a very limited diet. I really feel for OP , As my recently deceased mum, bless her, was a bloody nightmare when taking her out to eat. I am at great pains not to be THAT person. I rarely tell people about my allergies because I’m so embarrassed, and agree to go for meals with them but take my own food in a Tupperware container. People are generally surprised when I get my food out and start eating and don’t order from the menu, but they don’t really make a big thing of it because I don’t. I think old people can just be bloody difficult as an attention getting exercise

It sucks My PILs portray themselves as massive foodies. They will speak with great authority on menus, wine etc. The reality is they aren’t happy unless everything tastes of school dinners. Bland and over cooked, unless it’s beef. Actually MIL is ‘allergic’ to beef. And MIL has multiple ‘allergies’ which makes eating out a complete pain. She’s decided she’s allergic to rapeseed oil but she’s OK with vegetable. Nobody has yet told her they are one and the same thing but several waiting staff have raised their eyebrows at this

Yeah one of my kids has ARFID. I guess that make her an annoying fussy eater too when it is a genuine medical condition linked to autism.

You shouldn't be embarrassed to tell people about your food allergy @Ariadneslostthread. Why would you.
I assume it comes out anyway when restaurants cahllenge the tupperware at first.