'You have broken my heart'

[stepupandbecounted]

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.

Oh fuck off

My dad has never cared about any of us, he has always told us he didn't want children, so he doesn't have a view because he checked out 48 years ago and no one expects anything else. He has never had a relationship with me, or the dc. He is sometimes at family occasions and makes polite conversation, other than that I don't hear from him from one decade to another despite my parents still being together. It is okay I accepted the absence of a father in the real sense of the world a very long time ago. I did see cling on to the idea I had a mother that cared in her own way though.

@stepupandbecounted

That’s the beauty! You DONT have to be! But as long as you’re wishing for everyone to be nice and get along - for her to change basically, and you keep engaging, it will keep happening

Yes I see that, I am quietly hoping for a simple family life where everyone gets along and is civil at least, and that is part of the problem. I keep engaging because I feel like I am being unkind if I don't.

Does that make any sense?
I haven't the heart to ignore her, or anyone.

But I am approaching it from a place of hoping everyone will remain nice to each other, and maybe that is wrong. It is really hard to face the fact my own mother, the person who gave me life may not be a very nice person? It is easier said than done staring at that possibility, because I have always thought deep down she is a really decent person that cares, that but really nothing she does indicates that. The faux sympathy, the stead fast decision to never ever help me in an emergency are not really the actions of someone really kind are they?

fgs this is horrible.

She knows this will play on your mind.

She's effectively said she doesn't want to talk to you. So give her what she wants!

Its not about you not ignoring her. Its about the fact you have other things going on, thats all. And thats ok. In fact thats the way things should be. You should have separate lives where neither of you is beholden to the other.

You ultimately want a peaceful and happy life. How does her dramatics create that environment. Be honest. What are your priorities?

Your mother shouldn't be your priority. Not at this point in either of your lives.

OK, sorry OP -- she sounds like bloody hard work 🤨

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.

Utter bollocks.

I have only just remembered to tell a long standing family friend my son's GCSE results we got yesterday. Some friends I haven't told about his results or my daughters A level results yet. There will be no issue with the friends when or even if I tell them.

I think it is supposed to play on my mind, I am supposed to feel pain, I am supposed to be thinking of her - this is the whole point of her ignoring me, so I am no longer focused on my beautiful daughter and the happiness in our home, but on my mother, again.

She doesn't get to create another cloud and ruin this for my child. So apart from on here, I refuse to allow her to ruin this week for dd. If dd hears about this, she will worry she has caused it. and that is unfair and my mother is manipulating her now!

OP, I have one of those.. Let me guess, she loves being a centre of attention and every event should be about her? I bet she would find a reason to complain even if you haven't had moved 100 miles away. You will never ever be able to make her happy, because frankly it is not your job and most importantly she loves the drama. Ignore the reminders about how she 'sacrificed so much raising you' and how you broker her heart.
On the positive side you now know what not to do to your children when they are adults

"Why do I have to be involved in all her mind games and manipulation. Who even wants to live like this? It is just exhausting."

Ahh, it's not exhausting to her. She thrives on it. She's thriving right now on knowing that you feel guilty. She's feeding off your guilt, your feelings of worry that you are not good enough - she's an energy/emotional vampire.

I firmly believe she actually engineered this.
She did it to "test" you - to "prove" that you don't care about her at all, or you'd have been on the phone to her immediately as she is clearly The Most Important Person in your life.
And you failed the test - because you are a normal human being. But you were set up to fail - she'd have probably been thoroughly pissed off if you had messaged her, and then she would have complained that she wasn't good enough for a phonecall. And if you'd phoned her then something else wouldn't have been right.

I'm sorry she's like this to you. I expect it's been mentioned on the thread already (I've only read all your posts and the first page) but you should look into FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - and you'll see that this is the stranglehold she has you in.

I know she's your mother and you love her - but really, what good is she doing you? Is she bringing anything positive into your life? Or does she constantly drag you down? Might want to reconsider whether it's worth continually putting yourself through that.

Your mums reaction was obviously OTT and linked to the backstory, but I don’t think it was unreasonable of her to expect you to text her to let her know about DD’s exams. When you get good news you text the family, you don’t wait to check that all the family have remembered by themselves and have texted you first to ask about it. Don’t see how this is different.

If your Mother has a long time tendency to this kind of behaviour, you either have to live with it, or pull her up on the kind of mindset she has, of wanting things done her way at all times. Some people do have this kind of issue, embedded in their minds,and are difficult to deal with.

Tell her to do one. Short, simple and effective.

I suppose it wouldn't help to tell your mum DD didn't notice they didn't text and was so overexcited she likely didn't care?

Am sorry to say this but she sounds a nightmare and someone who loves to say poor me and play the victim. She’s making your daughter’s happy day all about her. Would it be possible to let her stew? Or be polite but remind her she can pick up the phone herself? Can you approach your dad? People move away from their parents all the time and they don’t have to put up with this sort of thing so in my opinion, she is definitely the unreasonable one.

When you moved it reminded her that she's no longer the focus of your attention or life and is using the latest episode to continue to berate you and try and restore control back to her. Don't fall for it! If she doesn't call with an apology just don't contact her. Your DCs can contact her if they wish but again they have their own lives to live (although beware of them becoming her flying monkeys).
I sadly have a relative who expected me to care for and ferry around two 90 year olds whilst working fulltime and me having a terminally ill husband. She was most put out when I declined to help but arranged for carers and cleaners instead!
Fwiw mine always used to tell me how tired i looked until i pointed out that my tiredness was down to the phone calls from them at all hours and running around after them on top of everything else

Has your mother ever worked?
Her dreadful attitude to something so mundane as an adult child moving away is batshit, to be honest. Especially as you’re only about 100 miles away. It’s hardly abroad.

I can’t believe you’ve accepted her awful treatment of you for this long. How on earth you haven’t told her to F.O. before now, I don’t know.

You’re a positive saint!!

I say this as an older woman with adult D.C. and GDC and we live abroad from them.

Mixed feelings. Your mum could have contacted you and DD. But equally I know some people her age and they might have been waiting for you to call them - I appreciate in this situation your mum forgot.

My mum would have been one of the first people I would have called - but that’s because we are close. So maybe your mum is just sad that you aren’t.

She’s obviously being a bit unreasonable in her reaction, but I suspect her emotions are a bit all over the place. She wants you near and she’s showing that in the wrong way

I hate the idea that people are pressuring the OP to text the mother because it only takes 30 seconds to text. I hate texting and I hate the thought of being beholden to announce events in real time. Some people are good at multitasking and breaking up their activities into jumpy little units, some people can only be present in one place and one activity at a time. It's not as if she waited a month to tell her parents. And if everyone in the country knew that this news was coming out, they could have asked the girl or her mother directly.

It is really hard to face the fact my own mother, the person who gave me life may not be a very nice person? It is easier said than done staring at that possibility, because I have always thought deep down she is a really decent person that cares, that but really nothing she does indicates that. The faux sympathy, the stead fast decision to never ever help me in an emergency are not really the actions of someone really kind are they?

I'm so sorry - it is horrible. People have various parts to them and it's likely that part of her is indeed the decent person that cares, but other parts expect that a relationship with you never changes, and that she will always be top dog in it. In reality, you are a mother now and your daughter has every right to your time, consideration, etc., as well as your own self needing some self-care and recovery time.

I think it's when you get the Mum hat that you start to see dissonances between your understanding of something and your own mother's, either in the here and now, or from years ago. My DM has had a lot of fallings-out, some permanent, with her family in the past, before I was born. I didn't think anything of it until I started to see the resentful side of her, that the DGC bring out in some ways and did so even from when they were tiny and immune to 'atmosphere'.

Being sad about this is ok. No easy answers, no need for a quick fix, and not all down to you.

She sounds like a total narcissist. It’s the kind of thing my mum would do/ would have done before I broke contact with her for similar behaviour.

When I got a degree as a mature student she berated me for not showing her my Masters certificate. Despite me having asked her if she wanted to see it…. And her raising am eyebrow as if to say ‘really you think I want to see that’. She also used the words ‘you just keep on breaking my heart’.

My mother is a narcissist and I moved 1000 miles away from her. I used to get postcards through the post that JUST said ‘this is a picture of a Margaret Hepworth In the Tate… what your children are missing living where you do!’ No names no ‘from grandma’ nothing. Just passive aggressive crap.

Do yourself a favour and ignore that shit. Life is too short. YANBU.

Passive

I'm familiar with this behaviour OP.

I"d be tempted to send one last message - via your DF if you have to - and then block her whilst you are in cornwall.

Mum

It's a shame that this this has escalated to such a drama - especially as this is meant to be about DD celebrating. Nobody is annoyed that you forgot it was results day, but we are all surprised at the nasty turn things have taken and the unnecessary spite directed at me.

DD loves you very much as do I . However, I won't have tolerate you guilt tripping us because you are still - twelve years on - bitter about me moving away for work. I can assure you that DD enjoys being close to you and we would all hate for that relationship to sour because of your misdirected blame.

We are off to Cornwall now. I can't wait to rest up following my surgery and so I'll probably have my phone off for most of the time.

Let's catch up when we're back.

Love you.
Steup x

You seem to understand your mother very well; I think talking about it is helping scales to fall, and is bringing you closer to accepting reality. This is great, because then you can make reasonable and rational decisions about how you can deal with her, put together a long term strategy, work our your realistic objectives (perhaps something along the lines of minimising the ability to be hurt by her, minimising her ability to hurt your dcs, whether and how much you want to see her if at all).

I'm so sorry your mother is like this, and sorry your childhood must have been very hurtful so often. Your dad is beyond the pale btw, not much can be said about him, vile. I hope your dh cherishes you. Congratulations on breaking the cycle with your own children, they are lucky to have you. Oh, and huge congratulations to your dd on her results!

Your parents are wrong, were always wrong. You always deserved, do now deserve better.

@SlightlyJaded

I'm familiar with this behaviour OP.

I"d be tempted to send one last message - via your DF if you have to - and then block her whilst you are in cornwall.

Mum

It's a shame that this this has escalated to such a drama - especially as this is meant to be about DD celebrating. Nobody is annoyed that you forgot it was results day, but we are all surprised at the nasty turn things have taken and the unnecessary spite directed at me.

DD loves you very much as do I . However, I won't have tolerate you guilt tripping us because you are still - twelve years on - bitter about me moving away for work. I can assure you that DD enjoys being close to you and we would all hate for that relationship to sour because of your misdirected blame.

We are off to Cornwall now. I can't wait to rest up following my surgery and so I'll probably have my phone off for most of the time.

Let's catch up when we're back.

Love you.
Steup x

Perfect

StepUp, wishing you a smooth recovery going forwards
And HUGE congratulations to DD

Your DM is horrible. She did not forget. She likes to have a stick to beat you with, that's all.
I'd go back into WA and delete the messages I'd sent, if she doesn't want to read them.
I hope you find the strength to go NC.
Sending a sisterly hug.
Hope the sun shines for you when you are away.

I firmly believe she actually engineered this

I don't know how she could have missed that it was results day, given sky news is on the background constantly in their house.

I think you are right, she does enjoy it because there is nothing else going on, so she can blow this up to be a huge thing and live on it for weeks. Even though she has actually heard from my dd on results day and even if was late it was better late than never. But no, this will be a huge massive family drama that is likely to drag on for months now, if not years. She is never happy unless there is a big problem 'to cope with' No doubt she would have called her sisters, she will be telling everyone that will listen about the latest problem. Nothing is ever private, it will go to the highest bidder so they can peck over my actions. My mother will be lavished with sympathy because her children have moved away, and all indirectly feeds her constant need for attention. That is what it feels like.

It doesn't have to be 'good' attention, any attention whatsoever is welcome. In fact the more dramatic and miserable the better.

Best thing to do is to be nice to her (otherwise I will be accused of being horrible to her if I try and stand up for myself in anyway) step away and leave her to enjoy her moment at our expense. She will be moaning all day to my father no doubt, telling him she means nothing to us etc etc.

This is not about dd, and her wonderful news, that is the saddest part. She has every reason to feel proud of dd, but she won't she will choose the misery instead. As she does every time.

You poor thing. I sympathise so much, going through something similar at the moment myself (have a thread about it). I have blocked my mother and suggest you do the same, even if just for a while.

The more I think about my mother's behaviour towards me, the more I realise that this is not how a loving mother behaves towards her children. I'm a few years older than you and have only realised this in the last few years due to being referred to therapy following a different matter that arose. Luckily I got a really good therapist who drew my attention to the fact that the way I was treated from a very young age was not only not the norm, but it was unacceptable.

Your mother, like mine, only "loves" you conditionally. She has no problem withdrawing her "love" when you "misbehave".

As already suggested, you would probably benefit from therapy and from reading books like Toxic Parents. It is a strange comfort to know you are not alone. So sad that so many of us have toxic parents.