'You have broken my heart'

[stepupandbecounted]

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

@stepupandbecounted

That’s the beauty! You DONT have to be! But as long as you’re wishing for everyone to be nice and get along - for her to change basically, and you keep engaging, it will keep happening

Yes I see that, I am quietly hoping for a simple family life where everyone gets along and is civil at least, and that is part of the problem. I keep engaging because I feel like I am being unkind if I don't.

Does that make any sense?
I haven't the heart to ignore her, or anyone.

But I am approaching it from a place of hoping everyone will remain nice to each other, and maybe that is wrong. It is really hard to face the fact my own mother, the person who gave me life may not be a very nice person? It is easier said than done staring at that possibility, because I have always thought deep down she is a really decent person that cares, that but really nothing she does indicates that. The faux sympathy, the stead fast decision to never ever help me in an emergency are not really the actions of someone really kind are they?

fgs this is horrible.

I’m sorry if i made it sound easy, it’s not. It so fucking hard to accept that your family, parents especially, truly do NOT have your best interests at heart and are not very nice really.

That hope that deep down she gets it and deep down she is loving and so on is what keeps you stuck. I needed therapy to accept my mother wasn’t very nice and didn’t actually want good things for me. She loves me in some sort of basic way i’m sure, but it really means nothing if her need to be horrible overrides that.

All i can say is accepting it was painful but life got a lot better after. Still hurts now to not really have a relationship with her, but that pain is like a little flicker compared to the pain she was causing when in my life.

Twenty years ago she turned up to my wedding in her own wedding dress because her own wedding was not what she wanted at the time, having lost two stone and told me I was looking 'big' on my the morning of my wedding.

Why I am still constantly surprised at her behaviour after that is my own fault. I will never learn.

I also forgot to text my MIL yesterday with DDs
GCSE result and got an angry text late afternoon. I however do not feel guilty. I’m busy and she has had little involvement with my kids - except to gather ‘boasting rights’ with her friends (who are under the impression she’s a very involved GP!). The kids see it and have lost respect/interest, which is sad. They reap what they sew.

I am sorry you are going through this coventry and silver and thank you for being so understanding, especially as it sounds like you have had your own journey with your parents. It is hard. Very hard to face up to it squarely. I still want to hide in the belief she is a decent sort really, when I know she has capacity for kindness sometimes, but she chooses when I have (and when i don't) and her choices to withdraw love often come at a moment of proper crisis, like the worst possible situation a person can be in, and she will make it worse by hurting me further by deciding she won't offer love or support. She will go silent instead inflicting even more pain.

I did start therapy and we were talking about my parents, and other things. I stopped because it felt too hard at the time with the other things that were going on at the time, and my kids needed me (MH issues) but I should restart. I would love to feel liberated even from the guilt, and the worry she will die if I don't stay in close contact etc. I know it is messed up.

@stepupandbecounted

Twenty years ago she turned up to my wedding in her own wedding dress because her own wedding was not what she wanted at the time, having lost two stone and told me I was looking 'big' on my the morning of my wedding.

Why I am still constantly surprised at her behaviour after that is my own fault. I will never learn.

😱

Don't engage any more. I'd block her number & archive WA chat.

She's destroying you & will do this to your dd. I'd be tempted to block her on your dd's device to so she can't try to manipulate her.

Enjoy the break & feel the weight lifted of your shoulders

@stepupandbecounted

Twenty years ago she turned up to my wedding in her own wedding dress because her own wedding was not what she wanted at the time, having lost two stone and told me I was looking 'big' on my the morning of my wedding.

Why I am still constantly surprised at her behaviour after that is my own fault. I will never learn.

Easier said than done OP but I think its time to disconnect a bit, emotionally if not literally. This is who she is, and she's unlikely to change now. Our mothers retain a lot of power over our emotions well into our adulthood but there comes a point at which we have to see them flaws and all decide what we will and won't tolerate in terms of boundaries, and what we will and won't let effect us.

@ny20005 nice crosspost ;)

I can see hear her saying if you don't do as I want you to (insert whatever she wanted) you will live to regret it when I die'

She said that on a loop for the first 18 years of my life, looking back it was deeply manipulative thing to say to a small child. Forcing me to do her bidding so I don't have to live with guilt for the rest of my life, it also made me worry she would actually die or was dying....

So now I am sitting here with her ignoring me. I have done what other pp suggested and deleted my messages. If dc were not out, I would turn off whatsapp to stop the torment.

The faux sympathy, the stead fast decision to never ever help me in an emergency are not really the actions of someone really kind are they

This. You could find an excuse for almost all the rest. But ignoring you when you’re ill and recovering from major surgery is disgusting. Don’t waste any more time in her, OP. You have decent people around who love you.

You didn’t move away did you op, you escaped.

I have deleted whatsapp!!!!

Messaged the dc to text me instead.

Feeling strangely liberated already, as that is the only way she contacts me (she never calls, and texts cost money)

So I am free!

Fabulous !!!!

@stepupandbecounted

I have deleted whatsapp!!!!

Messaged the dc to text me instead.

Feeling strangely liberated already, as that is the only way she contacts me (she never calls, and texts cost money)

So I am free!

Well done op!

Leave the ball in DMs court. Don't engage in this frankly absurd childish behaviour. She's an adult woman, it's ridiculous.

And give yourself a break, physically! I had keyhole GB surgery last year and was in bed for a week, then barely hobbling about the 2nd week, I struggled to even get upright with all the incisions! Have a rest!

Oh well done! Quite frankly, the person who has had their heart broken, OP, is you. I hope you get back to therapy, because it can be very hard to see that what you accepted as being normal, was in fact anything but, and very much not okay.

I hope so much you can start living your life for you, and your DC's. These are the people that deserve your love, your time, your energy and your care.

I am packing up and shipping out. No one gets to ruin dd's happy week, I am waiting for her to come home, and will ask her to consider muting my parents for a bit. DD is not one for a great conversation anyway so that helps. It is usually one line and a few emojis, so very hard to manipulate with so little to go on.

You have all been great at helping me see what is happening. It is hard to see as I always feel such self doubt, and can't work out if I have done something wrong by accident. If it is years that she chooses not to speak to me, so be it. I will continue to be happy anyway, and she can do whatever makes her happy which is causing some kind of upset, even if it is invented for the audience.

I did text her, it may have taken the day but I got there, so it is not like I was ignoring her, and she should have remembered more to the point.

I can't change her, and make her mother or granny of the year, I will just accept that this is the way she wants it to be.

@NCwhatsmynameagain

Your mums reaction was obviously OTT and linked to the backstory, but I don’t think it was unreasonable of her to expect you to text her to let her know about DD’s exams. When you get good news you text the family, you don’t wait to check that all the family have remembered by themselves and have texted you first to ask about it. Don’t see how this is different.

The thing is, when you are such a dreadful person, it's very hard for people to think of you as anything other than a duty to uphold. A horrid task to maintain contact.

With every toxic word she says and has done all the OP's life, she's building bricks to block out the love and light into her life. On a happy day filled with lots to do and good thoughts it's easy to understand why she was forgotten about.

No one on their wedding day decides to book an appointment at the dentist. At the happiest moments of my life, my mother is absolutely far from my mind. I want to celebrate them with those who feel joy for me - with the family I made for myself.

People who haven't grown up in poisonous homes just can't understand.

She sounds exactly like me mother OP - and when I read this title I thought uh-oh, what have I done now Most recently, I didn't speak to mine for 6 days and now it's a whole thing . I'm so tired of it all.

My ex text me at 10:30 asking if there was any news about results because he'd not heard from Dd. I told him to call her because she's the one who worked really hard so deserves to be the one who announces her results to him. She had forgotten to contact him and I was happy to give her a nudge.

I think that your mum forgot or set you up to be the bad guy. She could have easily text your dd a little reminder to call her "Hope you got the grades that you needed for uni x" would do. Let your mum sulk. She'll be permanently passed off with you

@stepupandbecounted

I can see hear her saying if you don't do as I want you to (insert whatever she wanted) you will live to regret it when I die'

She said that on a loop for the first 18 years of my life, looking back it was deeply manipulative thing to say to a small child. Forcing me to do her bidding so I don't have to live with guilt for the rest of my life, it also made me worry she would actually die or was dying....

So now I am sitting here with her ignoring me. I have done what other pp suggested and deleted my messages. If dc were not out, I would turn off whatsapp to stop the torment.

I swear to God we have the same mother, how have 2 of these been created?!

You cannot change her. But you can change the script, i.e., how you react to it. She has actually given you the perfect opportunity to to play her at her own game. Her refusing to respond and get in touch...? Brilliant! Just do not call, email, or otherwise chase her up. Go on your break and use this to either go LC or even NC. Your life will be so much more enjoyable. Your DC know what she is like, take this as another good reason to stay away from this toxic leech. You cut out cancers, she is one of the most long-term damaging.

Bloody well done! Hope that you have a lovely holiday and that you feel better before long.

@AintPageantMaterial

Tell her off! “Mother, you are being petulant and rude. You are a grown woman and you cannot reasonably believe that it is my responsibility to remind you on a Thursday about something that was discussed at length on Sunday. Plenty of Families manage to thrive happily whilst living much farther apart than we do. You were not somehow wronged because we moved house. We are both adults with equal responsibility in maintaining our relationship.”

Nooooo! DO NOT tell your mother off! She will take it even more to heart ... she's already gone off on one, this will just add fuel to the fire. let it go. She is wrong, you are right - she could've called herself (even if she was afraid to contact daughter in case results weren't good, she could've contacted you). There. You can take the moral high ground, but keep it to yourself unless you want to unleash yet more fury!

My mother refused to speak to me for two weeks after I refused to allow her to insert herself into something very meaningful to my whole family at the hardest time in our whole lives, having given us worse than no support, and thinking she'd been a tower of strength to us.

Most peaceful two weeks of my life. . .

Exactly anti even if my mother had a phone call at 09.02am she would be annoyed because it was not 09.01am. And even then would choose to say if only we had stayed in xx town she would be actually with us to share the news (even though we lived there for fifteen years and she barely visited) Whatever we do, it is never ever good enough.

So the key is stop bothering I think. Yes it might give her more reason to be angry with me, but at least it will save me a lot of heartache and pain.

Just because she was not the first person my dd thought of when she got the news we have all of this! The first person dd actually thought of was a close friend of hers that has been through such a lot lately, and had great loss in her life, and that to me says everything about the kind of person DD has turned out to be.

Wow brilliant going! Well done!

You sound so lovely btw and it seems like you do clearly see what she’s been doing to you over the years. The guilt is so hard but my therapist explained things to me in terms of costs. What it cost me to keep accepting being hurt over and over again and trying to reach out, and what it cost her to keep hurting me (a lot, and it appears not much!). And she pointed out that I have my own life to lead, my own family, career and so on and how much more did i want to ‘spend’ on trying to get the sort of relationship with my mother that she was not interested in having? For me, that actually helped with the guilt because I recognise how much of my life, my energy and my effort has already gone into that situation - and i’ve realised it’s my time now, I only have this life to live and I deserve not to feel unreasonably guilty when the other person doesn’t at all!

I realised i don’t have to carry everyone’s guilt around with me, that their feelings are NOT my responsibility - fucks sake my mother was a grown adult when she had me, as was yours.

Hope you have such a lovely weekend this weekend and enjoy that lighter feeling!!!

Oh well done!

I hope you get some mental space to go back to therapy. Good therapy - especially dealing with stuff that is very painful (and parents being abusive is very painfully) - is very hard work. But you will feel so much better at the end of it.

I cannot believe that about your wedding. That is astonishingly dreadful