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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 14:45

Your mother is 60?
She could live another 30 years!! (Sorry..)
Well done for muting WA. Social media is so insidious. We are no longer "allowed" to be unavailable.

Bawse · 13/08/2021 14:47

She’s being self-centred and ridiculous, she needs to stop trying to guilt trip you about where you live. It’s clearly rooted in genuine sad feelings but she needs to own that and stop channeling those feelings into blaming you.

Well done to your daughter. I would communicate clearly and calmly to your Mum that she’s being unreasonable and you’re not going to accept her offloading onto you.

Livinghereinallentown · 13/08/2021 14:52

Congratulations to your daughter. Your mother sounds like a pain in the ass.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 14:57

That is true, they were grown women choosing to have children, and grown women choosing to pick and choose when they offer love etc. I have often had to 'nurse' my mother through various breakdowns as a child, so I do feel a weird parental responsibility.

But looking back I am not sure they were real breakdowns now I know what one actually looks like, more likely attention seeking because having kids is hard sometimes, and she needed to offload/get support/get her fix of poor me.

I am feeling so much better for reading this thread, and thank you for sharing your own feelings and experiences. I am clearly not alone, which is sad really, as we all deserve someone that loves us unconditionally and for the right reasons.

I will restart the therapy and check I am not making subconscious errors in my own parenting (putting others first at inappropriate times, not unlike driving three days after surgery because the kids were kicking off)Blush

I have done my best, that has to be good enough, and now I intend to model what self care looks like to the dc in Cornwall (if we ever get there!) DD due home any moment so I might need to check out of thread for a bit. But thank you, I feel the glisten of tears in my eyes when I think about all the support and care that has been shown to me on here, and all of you. I hope being free of guilt is possible for all of us. Thank you. Flowers

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/08/2021 14:57

Twenty years ago she turned up to my wedding in her own wedding dress

Shock

Dear lord! God knows what else you've had to put up with over the years. Put your DD absolutely first and foremost this weekend. Sounds like she's done really well.

If your DM misses out due to her rude, demanding and frankly bonkers behaviour, that's her own fault.

mbosnz · 13/08/2021 15:00

I have absolutely no guilt whatsoever, despite having moved with my family to the other side of the world.

My number one priority is my children and my husband's (and my own) wellbeing.

Hard as nails? Yes. Had to be, to survive.

I love Mum, I care about her, but on my terms.

AntiSocialDistancer · 13/08/2021 15:04

@stepupandbecounted

That is true, they were grown women choosing to have children, and grown women choosing to pick and choose when they offer love etc. I have often had to 'nurse' my mother through various breakdowns as a child, so I do feel a weird parental responsibility.

But looking back I am not sure they were real breakdowns now I know what one actually looks like, more likely attention seeking because having kids is hard sometimes, and she needed to offload/get support/get her fix of poor me.

I am feeling so much better for reading this thread, and thank you for sharing your own feelings and experiences. I am clearly not alone, which is sad really, as we all deserve someone that loves us unconditionally and for the right reasons.

I will restart the therapy and check I am not making subconscious errors in my own parenting (putting others first at inappropriate times, not unlike driving three days after surgery because the kids were kicking off)Blush

I have done my best, that has to be good enough, and now I intend to model what self care looks like to the dc in Cornwall (if we ever get there!) DD due home any moment so I might need to check out of thread for a bit. But thank you, I feel the glisten of tears in my eyes when I think about all the support and care that has been shown to me on here, and all of you. I hope being free of guilt is possible for all of us. Thank you. Flowers

I'm absolutely loving a book at the minute called Untamed .

We don't owe it to our children to save them, we need to show them how we save ourselves.

There is no greater way of showing your children that they should care about themselves - than showing them how you care for yourself. I think about it a lot.

And hugely recommend the audiobook.

phishy · 13/08/2021 15:12

YANBU, don’t contact her at all now. Let her stew.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2021 15:17

@stepupandbecounted

Exactly anti even if my mother had a phone call at 09.02am she would be annoyed because it was not 09.01am. And even then would choose to say if only we had stayed in xx town she would be actually with us to share the news (even though we lived there for fifteen years and she barely visited) Whatever we do, it is never ever good enough.

So the key is stop bothering I think. Yes it might give her more reason to be angry with me, but at least it will save me a lot of heartache and pain.

Just because she was not the first person my dd thought of when she got the news we have all of this! The first person dd actually thought of was a close friend of hers that has been through such a lot lately, and had great loss in her life, and that to me says everything about the kind of person DD has turned out to be.

Yes, you're right. Nothing you did would have been good enough and the key for your happiness going forward is to stop bothering and pandering to her.

She can leave it as long as she likes - BUT beware "flying monkeys". These will be other family members or friends of hers who will tell you how badly you're treating her, how she's done so much for you, despite your ingratitude - and quite possibly she'll become "ill". Heart problems is a huge favourite of people like your mother - because it could be anything but strikes fear into most people when they hear it.

Your DD sounds like an absolutely wonderful girl and congratulations to her for doing so well under what sound like somewhat difficult circumstances.

EKGEMS · 13/08/2021 15:31

@Summerbreeze4 @PheasantsNest You really have the wrong end of the stick and if I were you I'd quit while I was behind

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 15:35

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Twenty years ago she turned up to my wedding in her own wedding dress Shock

Dear lord! God knows what else you've had to put up with over the years. Put your DD absolutely first and foremost this weekend. Sounds like she's done really well.

If your DM misses out due to her rude, demanding and frankly bonkers behaviour, that's her own fault.

It's got a touch of the miss havishams hasn't it!??? 😯😅
EL8888 · 13/08/2021 15:36

I don’t think you have been unreasonable especially with your recent surgery. It has been ALL over the news that it’s results day, your mother and daughter need to step up. Get well soon from surgery and congratulations to your daughter! Your mum needs to apologise

My mother also thinks l should do all the running around as l moved further away Confused

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 15:36

Enjoy your holiday
Concentrate on your recuperation from your surgery
Check out the book recommended and the stately homes thread on here
Its not you
She won't change
Alter your behaviour accordingly
X

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 15:38

My mil turned up at a party in her wedding dress.
It was super weird and creepy.
Luckily I no longer have much to do with her (25 years of bigotry is enough...)

Genderwitched · 13/08/2021 15:42

Iv'e just read your thread OP, what an emotional rollercoaster. Please keep coming back to it if you waver and start to doubt yourself, because the advice and support are spot on. You are an absolute SAINT to have tried to keep the peace all these years, probably to the detriment of your own health.

For what it's worth, I was the one that moved away, and while nothing has ever been explicitly said, there is always the narrative that I am the 'selfish' of the siblings

You must also apply some of the self preservation mindset when doing things for you own lovely family. However wonderful our young people are, they are naturally selfish and sometimes have to be told forcefully that Mum is not everyones slave and cannot always drop everything to facilitate their needs.

Anyway I hope that you have a wonderful holiday, have a stern talking to to your family before hand that they need to step up and wait on you for a bit xx

Grapewrath · 13/08/2021 15:44

Your mum should’ve checked in to see Joe DD did! She sounds horrendous just ignore her

RampantIvy · 13/08/2021 15:49

You haven't broken her heart. She doesn't have one.

anotherday235 · 13/08/2021 15:53

She doesn't bring anything to you at all and is controlling you from a distance with her mind games! Thanks goodness you moved away. Whatever you do, don't move back.

I really think you need to stand up for yourself every single time she tries this stuff on. Tell her you are only interested in speaking to her if she apologizes. You have been a martyr too long.

Notaroadrunner · 13/08/2021 15:55

@stepupandbecounted

Because I moved away, I am expected to do the visiting/running around to try and make up what I have done. She never calls me, I have to call her or we don't speak. I have to visit them, or we don't see them.
Id be pulling back if I were you. While I would always text around family to let them know results, you mention that your dd is in the habit of texting your mum so understandably you'd have assumed she'd have text your mum. My kids wouldn't be in the habit of texting relatives, hence the reason I'd do it.

You don't have to spend the rest of your life trying to make up for the fact you moved 100 miles away. It's not even that far.

FuckingFabulous · 13/08/2021 16:03

Your mum sounds like a toxic thief of joy.

As if you're meant to live your life according to her wishes. Fuck that. I'd be taking a gigantic step back and having a good think about what she actually brings to your life that's worth keeping in it on a regular basis

SummerWhisper · 13/08/2021 16:07

I think you fail to see that she would treat you with the same level of contempt had you moved in next door to her. She has treated you badly since you were little. You weren't a bad child, you weren't a bad teenager, you are not a bad adult. You are not a person to her, you are merely her ticket to histrionics and attention.

reesewithoutaspoon · 13/08/2021 16:09

Well done for deleting whats app. Expect her to get absolutely furious about it, because you arent following the script. You should be grovelling for her love right about now, so the fact you arent willl probably make her apoplectic and she's likely to ramp it up for a bit in an attempt to pull you back into line.
Expect relatives contacting you telling you how distraught your mother is and how much you are hurting her (flying monkeys its called) Expect a health scare, thats a common one too. Its all emotional blackmail specifically designed to regain control.
Basically your mother has never accepted you are an adult independent person in your own right, its not a healthy dynamic. She feels you owe her your daughterly devotion for all the years she raised you. its bollocks you owe her nothing. As a child we need our parents but as adults we don't , some parents find that incredibly hard to deal with, but that's her issue not yours.
Have a blast in Cornwall, hopefully you will get lovely weather to rest and recuperate away from your toxic mother and her shenanigans.

Tara336 · 13/08/2021 16:17

OP I have a similar DM EVERYTHING is about her! I was at one point looking to emigrate to Canada, not specifically to get away from her but it was a bonus reasons to go. Oh my goodness the drama when she got wind of it, I was taking HER grandchildren away etc. She came to DD graduation and complete ruined it for everyone by having a full on tantrum and ended up publicly screaming at me! I moved just over 130 miles away and it’s heaven! She is kept at arms length now and I’m happier for it. Pack your things up and go to Cornwall and try not to give it a second thought you can deal with your mothers dramas another day! Well done to your DD

gamerchick · 13/08/2021 16:23

Yeah expect the flying monkeys. Bat them off unless it's your own kid being used. Mine used one of my kids once.

The longer she's out of your life the more confident you'll become. Time to come out of the FOG.

aiwblam · 13/08/2021 16:25

Sounds like a bonus that she isn't speaking to you. I'd not bother contacting her.