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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
BumbleMug · 13/08/2021 13:09

@stepupandbecounted she forgot and us shifting bland to you to try to ease her guilt. As for the hysterics and bit talking to you, I’d take that as a temporary relief and enjoy the peace. Simply let her know she can get in touch when ages finished being ridiculous.

At the end of the day it’s nit your job to communicate between 2 adult relatives who already communicate direct regularly. That’s batshit to even think it’s your job and why women get so stressed trying to be everything to everyone. Don’t fall for it.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:09

And the fact she has ignored my previous WA messages, I was simply reassuring her no harm has been done, dd appreciated her messages and sends love etc etc have totally been ignored. She hasn't even opened them despite clearly being on line for the last few days. It is really hurtful.

I think the silent treatment she is now giving me is a form of abuse, and I can't understand any mother would choose to be like this.

OP posts:
BumbleMug · 13/08/2021 13:09

Sorry for all the typos but you get the gist Smile

MrsPumpkinSeed · 13/08/2021 13:09

The only way to change this dynamic is to step back. Let her come to you (it could take months) she will get worse but you need to stop this manipulation.
So delighted for your daughter. Hope your recovery goes well 💐

MorganHunt · 13/08/2021 13:10

Text her this: "call your granddaughter yourself." One is clearly not a toddler and the other is capable of using a phone, so why should you act as a messenger service between them?

Or text that you forgot because the news made you remember all the times your mother didn't give you attention. Shift the blame. Grin

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:11

She is on line right now and is making a point of ignoring my messages.

OP posts:
Iluvperegrines · 13/08/2021 13:14

Is there any possibility she did remember and was passively aggressively waiting for you to call (and so prove your love to her)?
Either way I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong…

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:15

The only way to change this dynamic is to step back. Let her come to you (it could take months) she will get worse but you need to stop this manipulation

I will, I just don't see why I have to, it would be nice for everyone just to get on and be happy and look after each other. Why do I have to be involved in all her mind games and manipulation. Who even wants to live like this? It is just exhausting.

OP posts:
Gerwurtztraminer · 13/08/2021 13:15

Get thee forthwith to the "Well, we took you to Stately Homes" thread!

Excellent advice on books to read and to vent & chat with nice people coping [struggling] with similar parents. Will help longer term in how to deal with her.

What an overreaction re the results and as for I gave you the best years of my life, now you have to step and repay me. Your mum is a classic of the martyr narc genre I think!

Congrats for DD and especially after what she's been through with bf which is awful for anyone less alone someone so young. Have a lovely break in Cornwall.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 13/08/2021 13:16

@stepupandbecounted

She is on line right now and is making a point of ignoring my messages.
Stop messaging her. Let her have her own silent treatment back.

Don't be hurt by her actions any more.

Alcemeg · 13/08/2021 13:17

Sounds really unfair. But has your mum moved house much?

I remember when my parents retired and moved house, I selfishly had hysterics about losing the home I'd grown up in. My own moves around the UK had convinced me that any move = regrettable disaster. Of course they turned out to be fine. But emotions can run high around relocating. x

Muchmorethan · 13/08/2021 13:19

OP - I think this completely ridiculous and nasty behaviour has been a wake up call for you.

As it has been said many times on here, you can't change their behaviour but you can change how you react to it.

A teenager is going to prioritise her friends who she has spent the last few years with and the excitement of the day.... and not think about calling someone she barely knows.

Yes, you could have messaged them... but you were busy and still not 100%. You certainly do not deserve your mother's reaction.

How would she like it if you told her that "your heart is broken" as they didn't check how DD did.

I really think you need some boundaries as her negatively is going to affect you and your own family and that's not fair

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 13:19

@stepupandbecounted

She is on line right now and is making a point of ignoring my messages.
Sorry but you’re playing exactly into her hands now. You’ve messaged her, she’s ignoring you. You’re sat there noticing she’s online, stewing about it and posting here. Shes manipulating you right now and you’re buying into it. Unless you need to be on WA turn it off. Archive your convo with her so you aren’t tempted to check her online status (you can retrieve the convo when you choose to speak to her again).

The more you buy in with this attention on her and letting her get to you the more you become a collaborator in this dysfunction. It’s hard to disengage but ultimately will bring you greater peace of mind.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 13/08/2021 13:19

She does not have dementia,

She's over 45 and this is Mumsnet. OF COURSE she has dementia!

IS0D0RA · 13/08/2021 13:20

@stepupandbecounted

Sounds like she was looking for a reason to have a go at you as she’s still upset that you moved away

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

She’s not a very nice person is she? She won’t help you and is punishing you for a perfectly reasonable decision you made about your own life.

I’m not sure why you are encouraging your children to have so much much contact with her, let alone running after her yourself. She’s going to end up treating them the way she treats you.

I’m be going LC.

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 13:21

‘Why do I have to be involved in all her mind games and manipulation.’ - That’s the beauty! You DONT have to be! But as long as you’re wishing for everyone to be nice and get along - for her to change basically, and you keep engaging, it will keep happening.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:21

We moved 12 years ago though alce it is a long time for feelings to run high, and she isn't a child but an adult with a job, life etc at the tim and she has moved in total around 4 times without any worries.

I am not messaging her anymore.

The last time this happened (I had major surgery on a lung) she didn't speak to me for 18 months!!!! So I am preparing for the long haul now. I can't see what more I can say, and she is obviously gearing up to ignore me again for years. Over this. It is beyond ridiculous, but I can see where it is going.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 13/08/2021 13:23

Stop messaging her.
What would happen if you temporarily blocked her on all means of contact?

Freddiefox · 13/08/2021 13:24

@stepupandbecounted

She is on line right now and is making a point of ignoring my messages.
She’s enjoys it, she’s gets the role of victim and you the aggressor. Ignore her, change the script.
RampantIvy · 13/08/2021 13:24

Bloody hell! Just seen your last update! Shock

Block her. She doesn't deserve you.

Rosebel · 13/08/2021 13:26

I think you should have made sure your daughter had let them know. They could have rung or messaged but maybe didn't want to incase she hadn't done well and was upset.
Having said that your mum's reaction was completely OTT but I'm not sure what you can do except just ignore her.
Big congratulations to your daughter.

Eddielzzard · 13/08/2021 13:29

I think she didn't forget, she was setting you up for another failure. If your DD and her are in contact regularly, it's for her to contact her GDD, not you to contact her.

I'd take this opportunity to go NC. Sounds like that's what she wants anyway. Poor her, poor poor poor her.

What does your Dad think in all this?

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:30

That’s the beauty! You DONT have to be! But as long as you’re wishing for everyone to be nice and get along - for her to change basically, and you keep engaging, it will keep happening

Yes I see that, I am quietly hoping for a simple family life where everyone gets along and is civil at least, and that is part of the problem. I keep engaging because I feel like I am being unkind if I don't.

Does that make any sense?
I haven't the heart to ignore her, or anyone.

But I am approaching it from a place of hoping everyone will remain nice to each other, and maybe that is wrong. It is really hard to face the fact my own mother, the person who gave me life may not be a very nice person? It is easier said than done staring at that possibility, because I have always thought deep down she is a really decent person that cares, that but really nothing she does indicates that. The faux sympathy, the stead fast decision to never ever help me in an emergency are not really the actions of someone really kind are they? Sad

fgs this is horrible.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 13/08/2021 13:31

OP.

You don't need the stress of this kind of guilt tripping etc..

You said it yourself in your very first post

she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends

Thats what it comes down to. She blames you for this and wants to punish you for it. Trouble is the only way she can is by cutting her nose off to spite her face further.

You are exhausted and don't need this shit. She's done you a favour by going silent. If she's silent you don't have to pander to her.

Just get on with this and let her work out her own shit. She's not your problem to solve. She's an adult.

Clymene · 13/08/2021 13:31

Honestly her behaviour is not normal and is completely toxic. I agree you should go to the stately homes threads because she is continuing to be a complete cow to you.

You are her daughter, you've just had major surgery and she's making this all about her. Any normal mother would ask how she could help in that scenario, not accuse you of breaking her heart and ripping it out again.

Nothing you do will ever be enough.

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