Wills related are we being unreasonable to leave our house to just one DD

[fortifiedwithtea]

We are mid fifties still have not made our wills. We have 2 daughters. However I have been open with the eldest girl that the house is to be left to her younger sister.

Our DD1 love her to bits but she’s not the easiest of character. I would describe her as highly strung And suffers with anxiety But doesn’t take any medication. She has been with her partner 4 years, he lives with us too. She has one more year of uni. Afterwards she is likely to move to another part of the Country and will most likely have an extremely well paid career.

However, DD2 has a learning disability and is dx with bi polar. She is unlikely to be able to live independently without support. Her greatest fear is that in the future she will be homeless. She has no qualifications and will struggle to get a job or keep it frankly as she has disorganised thinking.

I have reassured DD2 that she will never be without a home. Dd1 has told her quite bitterly in the past that she doesn’t need to worry as shes getting the house.

I went out with DD1 the other night and death came up in conversation because I am not well and I not likely to reach the great age of my own mum who is still going strong at 84.

I am an only child. Assuming my mum doesn’t ever need to go into a home, I will inherit her house. I told DD1 that if I inherited my mum’s house I would pass that on to DD1 and Dd2 would get our family home.

Dd2 said she understood my wishes but didn’t think it was fair.

I want to be open about wills with dd1 because of my experience with my Dad. He was the youngest of 3 . His eldest sister died young. She was also widowed at the time of her passing leaving an only son. His other sister is still alive at 94 and has lived in a nursing home for the past 4 years.My Dad assumed I would inherit the grandparents home and with that assumption put in his will that if my mum and him died at the same time their house could not be sold until DD2 was 25 and then the estate would be split 3 equal ways.

Lesson from that never assume an inheritance!

I was quite shocked at my Dad’s will. He passed when DD2 was only 5. I could have been liable to upkeep a house I could not sell for 20 years! As my mum survived him his entire estate went to her. She then made a new will that everything should go to me..

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

What if I die within the next few years and my DH gets a new wife? What then?

I'm sorry OP but yes, YABU.

You cannot know what will happen in the future. At the moment one child seems more fortunate, the other has more obvious needs but this could change in the blink of an eye.

Please think again. Your current plan will almost certainly leave dd1 with a very bitter legacy.

I implore you, yes implore to split all assets equally.

Anything else is absolute hell.

OP get specialist financial planning advice on this. If DD2 is on disability benefits, inheritance,any completely fuck her over.

I assume that DD1 will have to take some responsibility for her? If so you have a duty to make it as easy for her as possible. One suggestion would be to find a supported living situation for her to gain life skills and independence with a view to possibly living more independently in the future. She’s too young to assess right now- from your post she can’t be more than a teen?

Get proper advice and then apply that.

I think there’s a lot of covetousness on the thread. It’s perfectly fine to leave a bigger slice to offspring with a disability.

However it does need to be done properly and I do think there’s a concern that DD1 may end up with nothing at all as things stand.

All properties should be sold and the proceeds divided. If you want to do it 60:40 in view of DD2’s issues that’s ok.

@HollowTalk

Your elder daughter will have been affected by living with her sister. Now you are telling her that she is not getting the same inheritance. I feel really sorry for her.

Completely this.

Put yourself in her shoes, you are showing favouritism to your disabled daughter, as someone has a disabled family member I know how it feels for that person to take priority over everything else, no days out because xx didn’t want to go, no parties as xx couldn’t cope with them, only certain places we could go to, and now you are saying dd1 May end up with nothing

Equally, put yourself in the shoes of the disabled family member - may never be able to work, live independently etc. Provision does need to be made for that. However hard done by you or DD1 feels, you’re neither of you as disadvantaged as the disabled sibling.

It should be split absolutely equally, so it’s absolutely fair to both your dc

If dd2 is going to need sheltered/supported living in the future surely it is better to get her into it ASAP so that you are around to help her to adjust rather than leaving it so that she has to adjust to a new way of life whilst also dealing with bereavement?

This plan seldom works out well for the child with learning disabilities. If they fail to look after themselves or the house as very often happens even with support,they will eventually be found not to have capacity, and the house will be sold to fund their care in sheltered accommodation of the most appropriate sort. This has happened very recently to one of my patients. Mum died left the house to learning disabled son. He lived in squalor for a few years. Soc serv involved at that point. Had to move into lovely care home and house sold to fund this. Sorry your plan is almost always a bad idea.

I seem to be an outlier here but I know if in the same circumstances i would want my sister looked after first so that she always has a home,. I know my other siblings would feel the same.
People forget that this is the ds2 sister, surely she is concerned for her sisters long term welfare as well?
I'm not some one who believes parents will should always be equal regardless of the childrens circumstances though,

If your DD2 has problems later in life with money, mental illness, being taken advantage of, who would you want her to ring for a chat?

If I was your DD1, I would be so livid with you for this, that I wouldn’t want it to be me.

If I were you, I would be so hopeful that my kids would look out for each other a bit once I’d died and wouldn’t be doing anything to jeopardise that. You seem to be actively and purposefully severing the ties between your own children!

@Bluebellberry

It should be split absolutely equally, so it’s absolutely fair to both your dc

That’s ok as long as DD2 has enough to be taken care of on an equal split.

If not, it’s not fair to a disabled offspring to leave them in the lurch just so the other sibling gets more money.

Money is not the most important thing - looking after a vulnerable family member is.

@Hathertonhariden

If dd2 is going to need sheltered/supported living in the future surely it is better to get her into it ASAP so that you are around to help her to adjust rather than leaving it so that she has to adjust to a new way of life whilst also dealing with bereavement?

Yes absolutely this!

I think you need to stop thinking of your home as a house but as an asset that can be sold and how the cash can be used to help both your DC after you’ve died.

You are basically putting a wedge between them - there is a high chance that they will go no contact after you have past I am sorry - is that what you want - for the sisters to become strangers?
Both your daughters have needs - both have mental health problems too - you are assuming your daughter will get a well paid job but that is not necessarily the case. Well paid jobs usually come with stress which is not a good mix with anxiety.
If I was you I would use some equity in your current home to buy two rental properties and tell the girls they will get one each when you pass. The one at home with you will feel better knowing she has a home to go to. But if you are in the UK remember inheritance tax.

How can I fairly financially protect my girls?

One of the best ways you can protect them is by not setting them up against each other. Your more vulnerable DD would benefit greatly by having her sister in her corner, I would try to be careful to not jeopardize that by causing resentment.

Also you have no crystal ball. You have no idea how life will pan out for both girls and who may end up needing assistance.

It might be an idea to see a lawyer and talk through some options. Including ways you could make it fair as possible. If your DD is that vulnerable how will you protect her from some chancer seeing an opportunity to move in on a vulnerable person and eventually claim half a house? Even owning a property doesn't make someone bulletproof. Where would her income come from?

Depending on the cost of the property it might be an idea to sell it, get DD2 a comfortable flat and have a trust for regularly released income. And that would probably allow for a lump sum for DD1.

Who would be your executor?

Surely if you believe DD2 is vulnerable and needs to be provided for in case you're not around, then your primary focus should be building a strong bond with her sister who will be around. Write a will that best facilitates their relationship with each other.

This will likely cause resentment from DD1 to DD2 which sounds like an awful idea as DD2 may rely on support from her sister if you did pass. Similar situation happened in our family which led to a huge rift and two parties still don't talk 10 years later. I think YABU and should split equally.

if you expect to die soon and can trust your dh and if not them why not, then why not leave it all to him? Its quite simple and tax efficient and will save you both one lot of IHT

@Toddlerteaplease

If DD2 struggles, she may be better in a flat rather than a house that's too big for her. Sell both houses and split the money equally. Your Poor DD1, it's really unfair on her.

This! If someone struggles so much they can't hold down any sort of job, a family-sized house will be a huge burden.

The means to buy a small suitable flat in a suitable area is the best gift. Not a big house to maintain and be full of memories of you

It’s your money and well done for actually having the conversation but I feel really sorry for DD1. The resentment could mean she isn’t prepared to help your DD2, who sounds like she might need a lot of emotional and practical support after you die.

As someone said, DD1 could be diagnosed with a serious illness, multiple redundancies and other horrible things which impact her financially. I would leave the house to both of them and perhaps ask social services for advice on sheltered accommodation for DD2 in case she can’t find a small flat - she wouldn’t need a family sized home.

I don’t think you are vile and I’m sorry if this is upsetting

I think you need to come off here and look for a family law soliciters that have experience

Google is your friend here , not this snakepit

Remember they don’t need to be local
But they do need to have experience in this

X

@NeverMetANiceOne

I feel very sorry for your DD1.

This. Kind of obvious op doesn't really like her. Loves her because she is her child, but if not related, it would be a different story. Really quite sad. I dunno how parents can ever think splitting things other than 50/50 is fair. Very strange people.

Despite the selfishness and resentment on here, there are plenty of people with a disabled sibling who are happy for them to inherit a larger portion in view of their care needs. They actively support the decision.

Not everyone is as greedy as the posters on this thread.

YABU

I agree that your will is the last thing you leave your family with- the legacy of poor planning or unfairness tends to last a long time. You’ve just told DD1 she’s on her own as DD2 is your priority. I also think you are making a LOT of assumptions about the future of your eldest daughter. She looks likely to have a successful and lucrative career. But what if it doesn’t pan out that way? What if she develops an illness or has an accident? What if she doesn’t achieve her potential- things go wrong and sometimes it’s the individuals fault and sometimes it isn’t. What if she has a child who requires care and has to reduce hours/change jobs/become a full time carer?

Your Dd2 does not need a family sized home. I suspect she could not afford the upkeep of it, nor manage the day to day running. She needs an appropriately sized home and therefore, the house should be sold and proceeds split, along with any other assets. That should leave your younger daughter enough to buy a small home.

If she is unlikely to live independently what provision gave you made for that? If you are expecting your elder daughter to help then I think creating a sense that she is less important to you is highly unlikely to benefit your younger daughter. And you need to ensure you’ve thought through how your elder daughter would manage to do this, hold down a career (esp if you think she might move to a distant part of the country) and possibly have a family of her own?

I think equal split of assets is sensible. If your youngest is going to struggle to be independent, will she be able to sensibly manage an large inheritance? Would she use it for the purpose you intend? I think you may perhaps need to consider how to safeguard her inheritance to ensure that she is supported. Perhaps you could create a trust, which holds the money and it is used to ensure your daughter is housed/has money to live on etc. My aunt has this for m my cousin who has LD as he would not manage money well, though technically has capacity (just) he would never think to budget for bills or think about maintain the house etc- the trust ensures he will always have a home, can pay his bills, maintain e house and out food on the table. But his siblings are trustees so it does place the burden on them.