Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

My DH has a similar commute and whilst I'd love him to have a newer fancier car, it just isn't worth it. We buy a semi decent £4k car every 3-4 years which he runs into the ground.

My car is for the dirty stuff and his for nicer trips out but the dogs can go in both - his is an estate, it has a dog guard and the dogs stay in the boot. We have a hoover so it's not like the inside gets that bad either!

If he didn't want to have a car that was used by his family, then, sorry he shouldn't have had a family and a dog! He needs to grow up and get over it and it is not on to leave you to struggle with a car that doesn't suit your needs.

if he drives the smaller car he loses his excuse that all his money is going on petrol, and will be found out

@RandomLondoner

I've lost count of the threads on here where some women say they don't give a shit what a car is like, as long as it gets them from A to B. This attitude is a lot less common in men. Just because you don't give a shit, it doesn't mean other people are obliged to feel the same way.

I know it's wrong to second-guess an OP's facts, but, projecting my own preferences, I honestly don't believe it's merely about image for him. I think this is just OP's way of conveying "it's about things that I don't give a toss about and don't want you to have any sympathy for." For many car owners, especially male ones, there are a lot of ways a nicer car is better. And even to the extent it is about appearence, how many women criticising him would be willing to wear shit ugly clothes because they "do the job" and looking good is just stupid vanity that family money shouldn't be wasted on? Women often claim that they dress nicely for themselves, not other people. Driving a nice car might serve the same purpose with regard to appearances. The driver may not actually care what other people think, yet still feel better in himself when he's nicely "dressed".

There are very few male car drivers who would not be morose if told by their wife they need to lose the car they like and start driving a shit car. (Having said that, there are very few that expect their wife to pay to pay towards their nice car, he should be paying for it entirely himself.)

I think, addressing the main topic of the thread, I'd agree with this.

OP has mentioned other factors such as financial inequity but relationships are complex and the way we measure "contribution" can vary a lot.

Sulking and spending to the extent that he's short every month and not contributing to food are the real problems. What's he really doing with his money, and why does he think he's entitled to the best of everything regardless of how you're coping with his entitlement?

The point about “flashy” cars being as much for the owners as for show is an interesting one.

I like cars. I like “flashy” cars. I have a couple that I’m aware are not the sensible choice but I bought them because I like them. Some may think I did it to impress others but that’s not the case, they’re for me. In much the same way as others might buy clothes or shoes for themselves.

Just because someone spends their money on something you think is a waste, doesn’t mean it is to them and it doesn’t make them shallow or vain.

@Macncheeseballs

280 miles a week sounds alot to me, in a shit car, maybe you could swap the big nice car for a small nice car for him and swap the small shit one for a big shit one for you

It’s 28 miles each way, ie a pretty normal commute.

Just because someone spends their money on something you think is a waste, doesn’t mean it is to them and it doesn’t make them shallow or vain.
He’s not spending his money. She helped pay for it and now he’s sponging off her every month despite earning more. He’s spending her money. And not just on the car, it can’t cost that much extra to drive it. There’s something missing wiht his spending plan and it all boils down to he thinks he’s entitled to what he wants and will take from his family to get it.

maybe you need a bigger older car and he needs a smaller economical but meeting his ego standards car. It definitely makes sense for him to have something more economical and you to have something bigger but does not have to be limited to a swap!

You surely can't consider breaking up a marriage because of car issues,how ridiculous is that. If your marriage is strong enough, surely you can work something out, which will make things better.. Ignore the sulks, they are so childish.

He can't afford to run his car. You are subsidising his lifestyle despite earning less.

Ask him to pause and think about that, then decide if he wants his wife and kids, or a better car. What kind of man does he want to be?

I question the maths though. How is he earning more, but you are paying more and lend8ng him money? What's going on there? You need to ask.

Sweetly offer to help him budget.

I would be more concerned that you are giving him money at the end of the month, despite earning less. Where is his money going?

Well, as everyone has pointed out this isn't about the car but about unequal sharing in the relationship.

However, there are other solutions to this than swapping the two cars around. You work close to home but take your child and dogs to your mums every day (I'm assuming for childcare?) How far away is it? Could you simply walk there, or have your husband drop your son on his way to work? That way you could get rid of the second car altogether and save a tonne of money (which you should keep to compensate you for making this worthwhile environmental sacrifice)

YANBU He's behaving like a petulant child.

If he doesn't like the options, he needs to sell both cars and buy more appropriate vehicles. You'll lose money on both, but he's more worried about his ego than practicality so that shouldn't worry him.

@BillMasen

The point about “flashy” cars being as much for the owners as for show is an interesting one.

I like cars. I like “flashy” cars. I have a couple that I’m aware are not the sensible choice but I bought them because I like them. Some may think I did it to impress others but that’s not the case, they’re for me. In much the same way as others might buy clothes or shoes for themselves.

Just because someone spends their money on something you think is a waste, doesn’t mean it is to them and it doesn’t make them shallow or vain.

Definitely. There are other issues going on, but they're not the subject of this thread and would take a lot of unpicking. We'd have to be a fly on the wall every day to understand how equal the contribution is, financially or otherwise.

On one hand his behaviour is shit.

On the other, 280 miles is a lot of driving to do in a small, uncomfortable car, at the beginning and end of the working day, when he is knackered. As someone who has had to do that kind of driving for work, I can see where he's coming from. It grinds you down.

He's selfish.
Whatever his reason for wanting the better car, it's completely unacceptable to go into a major sulk because his wife wants to address the issue of her car being completely unsuitable for a child and dogs and another baby on the way.
In addition to this, she earns much less but is subsidizing his lifestyle. She pays for all of the food and probably pays for the things her child needs. Despite this, she still has to lend him money at the end of the month and for this she gets sulked at for daring to bring up the subject of swapping the cars around.
He is a massive knob.

He sounds like a sulky teenager

@thedancingbear

On one hand his behaviour is shit.

On the other, 280 miles is a lot of driving to do in a small, uncomfortable car, at the beginning and end of the working day, when he is knackered. As someone who has had to do that kind of driving for work, I can see where he's coming from. It grinds you down.

It's 280 miles a week, that's just 28 miles each journey.

It's 280 miles a week, that's just 28 miles each journey.

True, but that's still a chunky commute. If it's motorway driving, it's half an hour each way in a car that's noisy and bumpy at speed. If it's b roads, it's 10 hours a week in a shit environment. Neither is great.

Look, it's a first-world problem, and if they are truly skint, he'll have to suck it up. I'm just saying that I can see where he's coming from, and it's not entirely a vanity thing.

How can you possibly think you're a hormonal crazy lady and he's not a hormonal (that testosterone is a killer) crazy man?

I'd surprised you only suggested swapping cars, when you have trouble getting everyone and everything in the small car. You should have told him and he should have agreed.
Most couples would have agreed it to start with because it makes so much more sense.

@thedancingbear I agree, and I don't see it as such a problem to put kids/dogs into a smaller car.

Plus if there's one car that's "special," I understand his misgivings about it being spoiled.

Sorry OP!

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore.

Ask him that. Does he want to break over a car? What does he think his sulking will accomplish?

Or, buy two cheaper to buy and to run cars, of similar size.

I dont know why people keep going on about the cars-he doesnt even say its uncomfortable he just doesnt want to look crap in his words

Hes a selfish twat op youve got a toddler and youre pregnant and thats all he can thik about

The money sitution isnt good why are you paying for all food on a part time wage what is he spending all his money on that he runs out and you dont

He sounds like he is a selfish vain miserable financially abusive arsehole.

I'd have no choice but to leave someone like him because I would end up in prison, eventually, if I didn't.