Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

What @macncheeseballs says

Since he's so concerned about his image, my DH's response was that he's being a petulant child about the car and, more importantly, his claims that all his money is going on petrol doesn't add up at all given the mileage he's doing.

The car and image thing is ridiculous, self-absorbed and off-putting, but the money thing would worry me more. At best you two either need to sit down and rebalance payment of outgoings. Middle ground is that he won't properly manage his money and thinks it's acceptable to take from someone who earns less than him to fund his casual profligacy. Worst case, he's doing something dodgy with his spare cash and hiding it from you.

14 miles a day there and 14 back ?
He's a dick. Needs telling. Do not give in.

How does he propose to fund your maternity leave if he can't live on his salary with you picking up half the bills and all the food?

Stop giving him money at the end if the month. You can't afford it either on that basis.

And I do a 350 mile a week commute in a decent powered octaves. It costs me around £60 in fuel.

Even his figures don't add up. 40mpg. So he needs 7 gallons of fuel or 32 litres. Last time I filled up £1.32 a litre so he needs £42.24 in fuel a week or £185 a month... so where is the rest of his cash? STOP SUBSIDISING HIS PLAYTIME!!

OP where are you?

Hope all is okay. Ref car, he is only driving 56 miles a day. Less than a lot of people.

280 miles a week at average car mpg (36) at current average petrol price (135.3) is £94 pw if Ive done the maths right. More if it's a huge heavy car with large engine and/or diesel. You can google the figures yourself. That's not including servicing, MOTs, car insurance and tax.

I understand where he's coming from as other PPs have said. If you've grown up hard and are still insecure then flashing the cash or car can be important.

But like other PPs have said, working out where the cash is going is critical. Doing your prep before you sit down with him is also important - if you have access to all the accounts.

IF you value him and he is otherwise a good husband and dad, take the time. If not, start saving the paperwork.

@SunshineCake

14 miles a day there and 14 back ? He's a dick. Needs telling. Do not give in.

No, 28 miles there and 28 miles back. Don’t they teach maths any more?

God forbid the poor man should have to spend 28 miles, there and back in a small car. He needs a big car to accommodate his massive penis.

“True, but that's still a chunky commute. If it's motorway driving, it's half an hour each way in a car that's noisy and bumpy at speed. If it's b roads, it's 10 hours a week in a shit environment.”

Yes, the wee flower, think of his discomfort. There might be noise, it might be bumpy. 10 hours a week in SHIT ENVIRONMENT.

Lol

@pictish

“True, but that's still a chunky commute. If it's motorway driving, it's half an hour each way in a car that's noisy and bumpy at speed. If it's b roads, it's 10 hours a week in a shit environment.”

Yes, the wee flower, think of his discomfort. There might be noise, it might be bumpy. 10 hours a week in SHIT ENVIRONMENT.

Lol

Whatevs. Most of us manage to enjoy this site without insulting people.

Well done @Blossomtoes.

MyPantsAreTooTight are you me?!

@SunshineCake

Well done *@Blossomtoes*.

For what? Understanding basic maths? Your standards are low.

@countrygirl99

The first thing to do is stop giving him money at the end of the month. If he can't afford it, he can't have it.

I'd do exactly that. He's being pathetic. He can't afford to use the bigger car for commuting and he needs to suck it up.

And he needs to stop caring what people think about him. Why the fuck would anyone take any notice of someone who's so superficial that they look down on people because of the car they drive?

For trying to make yourself feel better by trying to out me down @Blossomtoes. I made a mistake. Big deal.

I find this car status rubbish completely ridiculous. No one else could give a toss what car you are driving.

This was one of my ex's hugely unattractive traits.

He was driving a VW Tiguan around once thought he was impressing people.

But we lived in a v posh area then, new money central, and every other car was a Range Rover, it was near Chelsea training ground too so Ferraris, Lamborghis etc could often be seen around the place.

Absolutely tragic

@wewereliars

I find this car status rubbish completely ridiculous. No one else could give a toss what car you are driving.

This was one of my ex's hugely unattractive traits.

He was driving a VW Tiguan around once thought he was impressing people.

But we lived in a v posh area then, new money central, and every other car was a Range Rover, it was near Chelsea training ground too so Ferraris, Lamborghis etc could often be seen around the place.

Absolutely tragic

Totally agree. Pathetic.

I wouldn't solve his problems. What does he think would save him money that doesnt mean you going without

@crosstalk

OP where are you?

Hope all is okay. Ref car, he is only driving 56 miles a day. Less than a lot of people.

280 miles a week at average car mpg (36) at current average petrol price (135.3) is £94 pw if Ive done the maths right. More if it's a huge heavy car with large engine and/or diesel. You can google the figures yourself. That's not including servicing, MOTs, car insurance and tax.

I understand where he's coming from as other PPs have said. If you've grown up hard and are still insecure then flashing the cash or car can be important.

But like other PPs have said, working out where the cash is going is critical. Doing your prep before you sit down with him is also important - if you have access to all the accounts.

IF you value him and he is otherwise a good husband and dad, take the time. If not, start saving the paperwork.

It’s works out to just over £40 a week using your figures

Answer D: All of the above

Thank you everyone for your response.
You've all given me lots to think about and lots to consider on both sides.
We have arranged to have a sit down tonight, after my son is in bed, and try to sort some things out, for better or worse.

In answer to some of the questions:
The smaller car is a 9 year old hyundia i20, which I've had from new. Yes, it's totally impractical for life with children, but it's super economical, reliable and, personally I don't find it slow with a 1.6 engine.. but that's me :)

If we had the budget, I would happily change the car, but, to part with a car that's economical and reliable that I know the full history of seems a bit counterproductive when it should suit the commute.

I agree that this is the tip of the iceberg, and I have been compensating and making 'hard upbringing' excuses for behaviour like this for too long.

We do have inequality financially, and this needs to be settled.

Someone said they dread to know the answer about who buys clothes, toys and pays for actives for our son. Thank you for pointing this out. I had never thought twice about the fact that I pay for these things completely solo. Car seats ? Me. Clothes ? Me. Swimming lessons? Yep, me.

It sounds like a moan, but when it's in black and white it's quite shocking.

Thanks everyone for support.

@MouseDeMuir

Thank you everyone for your response. You've all given me lots to think about and lots to consider on both sides. We have arranged to have a sit down tonight, after my son is in bed, and try to sort some things out, for better or worse.

In answer to some of the questions:
The smaller car is a 9 year old hyundia i20, which I've had from new. Yes, it's totally impractical for life with children, but it's super economical, reliable and, personally I don't find it slow with a 1.6 engine.. but that's me :)

If we had the budget, I would happily change the car, but, to part with a car that's economical and reliable that I know the full history of seems a bit counterproductive when it should suit the commute.

I agree that this is the tip of the iceberg, and I have been compensating and making 'hard upbringing' excuses for behaviour like this for too long.

We do have inequality financially, and this needs to be settled.

Someone said they dread to know the answer about who buys clothes, toys and pays for actives for our son. Thank you for pointing this out. I had never thought twice about the fact that I pay for these things completely solo. Car seats ? Me. Clothes ? Me. Swimming lessons? Yep, me.

It sounds like a moan, but when it's in black and white it's quite shocking.

Thanks everyone for support.

12 plate Hyundai i20? I've completely changed my mind. Sorry, OP, your husband is a total bellend. I thought you were going to say that it was an 20-year old Aygo or a Peugeot 108.

I like cars so would 'naturally' be on your DH's side. I once had an i20 as a courtesy car after a stoned man crashed into me. I was sceptical but I really liked it. Quiet, economical, comfortable and suited for motorway driving. Also, a because it's not a big car, a 1.6 is going to be nippy.

Given your finances are a bit tight, he is absolutely not entitled to a penis extension. Out of curiosity, what car would he have if you let him?

Haha 😄 thanks ! She's not super flash, but she's tidy enough (for my status anyway!).

Oh the other car is a BMW, and it's only 3 years old.

If it was up to him it would have been this, vw or audi only.. despite the fact he only learnt to drive 5 years ago 😖.

I was one of the people asking about what else you pay for.

So it sounds to me like he's basically a single man, who has a full time housekeeper / sex buddy / housemate allowing him to reduce his living expenses and responsibilities and make his life easier.

I sort of feel sorry for him.+ As so often happens, men like this get away with it for AAAGES then one day they take it a step too far and the woman suddenly sees what's been happening. The "poor" blokes are completely gobsmacked when they're now rumbled.

• not really

I really hope you stand firm and tell him the financial inequality ends now. He can't afford the lifestyle he wants and he needs to grow up and be responsible.

Surely when you have your second, you will need the big car?