Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

Oh and btw, Dh is 6ft 2.

He has no problem with fitting in my car and driving it comfortably

What? He’s letting his pregnant wife and child with all the paraphernalia that comes with it plus dogs go around in a tiny 2 door car while he spends a fortune running the bigger one. What a prince if his “image” is so much more important than your comfort and actual practicality.

So when you’re on mat leave he’d be happy for you to struggle to get a baby into the backseat with the seat pulled forward on a two door. Will you even be able to fit the pram in the boot?

It shouldn’t even be a discussion. He should’ve swapped immediately without being asked.

Show him this thread

So he earns more than you. You spent equal amounts on the household bills. He doesn't pay for food, you do. He spends extra on petrol. Even if his petrol costs were the same as the food costs, where is his money going that you have left over cash at the end of thr month but he doesn't.

Forget the car. You need a serious conversation about his spending habits.

IME, men you can't trust with money you can't trust about anything. (Or "few dickheads are only dickheads in a limited fashion")

And even to the extent it is about appearence, how many women criticising him would be willing to wear shit ugly clothes because they "do the job" and looking good is just stupid vanity that family money shouldn't be wasted on? Women often claim that they dress nicely for themselves, not other people.

When you need to wear specific clothes to cart the family kids and dogs around on your daily business, and there is an added cost and environmental impact as well, this might become a suitable analogy.

Oh and btw, Dh is 6ft 2.

Height isn’t the full story. My husband is 6’4’ and has a friend who is the same height. They don’t find the same cars comfortable as one is long in the leg and shorter in the body and the other is the opposite.

@DrSbaitso

And even to the extent it is about appearence, how many women criticising him would be willing to wear shit ugly clothes because they "do the job" and looking good is just stupid vanity that family money shouldn't be wasted on? Women often claim that they dress nicely for themselves, not other people.

When you need to wear specific clothes to cart the family kids and dogs around on your daily business, and there is an added cost and environmental impact as well, this might become a suitable analogy.

Exactly. Add to that the expectation that your partner pays 50/50 towards the cost of these clothes and is continuing to subsides you despite being the lower earner so that you can keep spending on yourself…

I'm not sure why posters are suggesting the OP should LTB 🤨 that's obviously not what she's asking.

No OP you are not BU to ask to swap cars, it makes total logical and economical sense.

280 is not alot in a week - divide by 10 for am and pm drive. Seems to me there are a range of issues

1. smaller car is just not suitable for either of you. He needs a small more fuel efficient (electric?) suitable for an average less than 30 mile in and 30 mile back commute.
2. the newer car is more the fam car and you should have this and use protective mats and regular cleaning to keep it clean etc.
3. Newer car should be famility car for safety reasons if nothing else
4. Mardy arse is not communicating well and I would say he needs to look at his spending and how his salary is "disappearing" so for e.g. is he heavily paying into a pension pot - if so wheres yours?? In family situation such as this all money should be going into a pot other than an agreed personal spend amount. Any other way when money is tight is not going to work and lead to inequalities.

Have you thought about a lease style car purchase? Then you could lump for an electric car - likely to have chargers at work for this - then reduction in costs for the family etc

Why are you paying more than him for a start?

We swapped cars when DH had a big commute and have swapped back now he is on the train again. No dramas. Tbh it sounds like the smaller car isn’t right for the family full stop, can you look to change it?

Stop making excuses for him. What you propose is totally reasonable. And read him the riot act. If he goes into a sulk rather than rationally discuss things, then that - for me anyway - sets alarm bells ringing. Tell him in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is unacceptable.

@Coogee

Oh and btw, Dh is 6ft 2.

Height isn’t the full story. My husband is 6’4’ and has a friend who is the same height. They don’t find the same cars comfortable as one is long in the leg and shorter in the body and the other is the opposite.

Dh is longer in the body than leg.

It means he cant drive astras as his eyeline is about the level of the window.

But he is fine with most small cars (he's driven a lot of rentals). He doesn't have the seat back to the full extent either so there is definitely room for those with longer legs.

We also find people get in the back of our city car and find they have more leg room than their bigger car, much to their surprise.

It has the top rating for safety too, so we aren't compromising on that.

I do think that if size is the thing then looking at more unfashionable brands is the way to go. You just cant beat Dacia. And many of the other brands like Kia, Seat, Hyudani etc compare very well.

It doesn't make sense to be paying out for mercs, audis and vws on extortionate finance plans.

Speaking as someone that used to commute, 300 miles a week, traffic jams, congestion etc is a hell of a long time in a car you find uncomfortable and don’t like, 60 miles a day he must be in the car 3 hours a day? If he works in a city (going on my own crawling average speed) so your proposing swap to a horrible car that will lengthen that journey errr thanks a lot!!! Not surprised he’s grumpy

So
My husband is the same, so far as to him his car is the only “luxury” he has and if he ever has to take my car to work he hates it.
However, I have an old Citroen Berlingo multi space so don’t have to compromise on practicality. He has an estate but a sporty type that I’d hate to have with the kids.
Can you sell and buy a family friendly new old car?

Whoever said 280 is not a lot divided by 10 obviously never tried to do that across a busy place that has no direct public transportation (so takes longer) for a decade averaging between 14 and 18 miles an hour

I drive 300+ miles a week, car does about 60mpg and I spend maybe 120-140 per month on fuel so how is it costing him that much?
I'd find it hard to respect some an adult who sulked in this way.

Having said that, I wouldn't want to drive a small 2 door car either so I think you both need to compromise. Can you sell both cars and buy 2 4-door hatchbacks?

I wonder what he's doing with his money? He earns £500 a month more than OP, they split all bills except food which OP buys. Presumably they buy their own fuel but something is wrong if he is borrowing off her because of petrol costs. He'd need to be spending over £700 a month on petrol to make that possible.

I'd be more worried about why he has no money.

@Backwaterjunction

Speaking as someone that used to commute, 300 miles a week, traffic jams, congestion etc is a hell of a long time in a car you find uncomfortable and don’t like, 60 miles a day he must be in the car 3 hours a day? If he works in a city (going on my own crawling average speed) so your proposing swap to a horrible car that will lengthen that journey errr thanks a lot!!! Not surprised he’s grumpy

I used to do a similar commute, got on the motorway half a mile from home, came off the motorway and short journey into work. Rarely had a problem with traffic jams or congestion. Parking was my big headache not the drive, I probably spent as long looking for a parking space as I did driving some mornings until I got the coveted allocated parking space. I was able to do flexi time so it might have been different if I wasn't getting into work early.

We don't know which sort of commute he is doing but don't think it is automatically a terrible journey.

In the same scenario,I have the newer/flashier car and my DH is driving an older Skoda fabia. It's a great little run around. He previously had flashy company cars but cost a fortune on tax and fuel. He decided to buy the fabia outright when we had DC because what he could save is basically paying for nursery the couple of days a week I work. We both do a similar commute to your DH (opposite directions) and he does sometimes miss the bigger car when it's windy on the motorway but likes that I have a safer car with the DC/Ddog in etc.

He's likely sulking because you make perfect sense and his ego can't take the fact he doesn't earn enough to cover the big car/ he's being a selfish prick.

This isn't about the cars and I think you know that really. Is he selfish and childish like this in other ways? I assume so as his money seems to be spent on him and you are keeping the family?

He's getting the biggest car for just one person and the lion's share of the family income.

Your relationship is unbalanced OP.

I wonder what he really spends his money on.

@Backwaterjunction

Speaking as someone that used to commute, 300 miles a week, traffic jams, congestion etc is a hell of a long time in a car you find uncomfortable and don’t like, 60 miles a day he must be in the car 3 hours a day? If he works in a city (going on my own crawling average speed) so your proposing swap to a horrible car that will lengthen that journey errr thanks a lot!!! Not surprised he’s grumpy

How pampered and needy we've become.

My car is a draughty rattling but reliable old thing. I'm just grateful to have it to go anywhere, including work.

The princess and the pea comes to mind.

He is being very silly.

We have a similar set up - one older 2 door runaround and a newer estate. DH much prefers driving the estate as it has all the mod cons but knows that as soon as he goes back to work (first baby due imminently) it will be in the old one, because il need the space for the pram/dog etc and its more economical for his commute. It's just common sense!

My friend had this husband had a beat up fiesta he used fir work and she used the family car, when his small car died they bought another cheap. Economical car knowing it would get 400 miles per week put on it.

Dare I ask who pays for the clothes/toys and activities for your 3 year old? I sadly suspect that I know the answer - and all of the nappies and baby supplies too?

Re-calculate your costs. Joint account to pay for bills, cars, fuel, food, child care etc. Discount your proportion appropriately as your income (fewer hours for childcare?) is lower. Don't 'loan' him money until the end of the month - has he ever paid any back?

Sell both cars - upgrade yours, downsize his.

Do all of this asap and before your second child comes along.

This is not 'breaking up over a car' - this is repetitive inconsiderate behaviour - you've hit your limit of tolerance, he's being a knob, it will be easier to parent your children without a sulking husband.