Husband throwing tantrum about cars..

[MouseDeMuir]

Hello lovely people of mumsnet.

I need some help.
My husband and I have been together 10 years.
We have a 3 year old and I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.
We both work, me part time very close to home and him full time, but his commute is 280 miles a week.
We have 2 cars. One very small 2 door car, that's very economical and does 80mpg, and one bigger estate car that can fit car seats and dogs and is much newer but only does around 40mpg.
My husband had a hard up bringing, and on the whole is a very kind and caring person, but he's very materialistic. He worries about what people think if he drives a small or old car. I honestly couldn't care less about how things look, as long as they work!
Until now, he has used the 'new ' big car to commute to work, while I take our son and dogs to my mother's house every day in the little old car. It's fine but it does mean I struggle to put everyone in and It would be easier in a 5 door car..

Anyway.. at the end of every month my husband has no money left. He claims it all goes on fuel.
We pay equally into our mortgage and bills, and I pay for the food shopping, despite earning around £500 a month less than him as I work part time, but he still ends up borrowing money from me to get by until the end of the month.

So.. I suggested we swap cars..

To me this makes sense because:

1. We bought the car half and half each.
2. The little car would be cheaper to run him Commute.
3. It would put less miles on a newer car, hence preserving the value better.
4. I have the children and dogs to take and collect daily, so wouldn't it make more sense for me to use the 'family' car.

But he just says he hates the other car, it's too slow and looks shit.
He says I'll make the other car dirty with the dogs and the kids, and won't treat it with respect..
Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks.

I honestly don't know where to go from here..
It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady ?

I think it’s a fair point that you need to consider how much he’s spending on other things. The difference between 60mpg (which realistically is top fuel economy) and 40mpg is only £40-50 per month.
As an aside a tiny 2 door car isn’t at all practical for a family with 2 young children. How are you going to get them both into car seats in the back?

Oh and my friends husband is 6”4 and managed to drive a fiesta then a corsa.

We don't know what his commute is like so no point using it to illustrate a point either way. It could equally be motorway or fast A road pretty much door to do and take around half an hour as it could be 90 minutes+ of stop start traffic.

All that is secondary to this couple's unequal split of family finances.

Al his money is not going on fuel. Come on. You so the food shopping and earn less. If you’re married why di t you just share all money? I can’t stand this my money your money rubbish!

My dh drives the older smaller car to work. I drive the suv weekdays, we both work so we both do drop off and pick up so it’s not because I need the space for the dc, it’s just easier and safer and he’s happy for me to be comfortable.

You work part time, earn less than him but you pay 50% of mortgage and bills. On top of this you then pay for all the food? What else do you have to pay for? Who is paying for the things your child needs?

Does he pay for his car and you pay for your car?

Personally, I think it's really off that you are expected to use the two-door car with a three year old and dogs. That's an absolute pain in the arse. Both cars should be family cars and therefore interchangeable depending on need. Even my completely shit ex managed to let me use his larger estate car when that was necessary and drove my small car instead.

You need to have more discussions with him about this. When the baby arrives the two-door will be completely unsuitable. What a pain in the arse that is going to be trying to get two children in and out of car seats and then deal with dogs. How the fuck is that supposed to work?
He is a selfish arse and the family outgoings are not fairly shared between the two of you either.

@Eralos he can’t be trusted with more money. It sounds like if they shared all the money the op would be running out of money for food and things for the baby. She needs to stop ‘lending’ him any instead.

What is he spending money on other than fuel that he needs you to sub him for? You buy all the food - what else does he "need"?

It's not the car that's the problem is it? Why are you with a grown man who can't communicate?

If that mileage is over 5 days its less than 60 miles a day which is sod all really . He is bullshitting you .
Red Flags all the way , start saving for an escape .

DH bought a new car just before DD was born. While I was on maternity leave, I had the lovely big new car and he had my old one as I had baby, pushchair and a dog to fit in. Now I'm working again, whoever is doing drop offs/pick ups or is off work with DD has the big car as that's the sensible thing to do.
Your DH is being ridiculous and putting his 'status' above his wife and children.

Agree that this looks odd but I think in his position I’d be keener on using the more comfortable car for the commute too. The miles will only be costing about 40 a week so yes, he could save 20 by swapping but if it’s really slow and uncomfortable I’d not want to do that either

Other money things like who pays what share of stuff, yeah look at that but I think it’s separate

If there's one thing I learn from Mumsnet, it's to tell my sons repeatedly that sulking is one of the most deeply unattractive traits a man can have.

The bigger issue is why he claims he's using all his money on petrol. I think you need to start telling him you don't have any spare money to lend him (does he ever pay you back) and that, given your unequal incomes, you should not be contributing half to bills. As his earnings really can't all be going on petrol, you need to sit down and analyse what it is actually going on. Given his obsession about appearances, I suspect it's going on things like expensive lunches with him picking up the tab.

And if he sulks about that, tell him to grow up or he'll have to cope with looking like a sad divorced man and having no choice about how much he pays to maintain his children.

Yes I would consider breaking up over this. This is not about the cars. That’s a red herring. It’s about the domination. It’s his way or the highway. Sit him down and tell you are entitled to use the car you have paid equally for and have a more legitimate reason for needing it than him because of the kids, dogs etc. Tell him you will not tolerate his sulking and silent treatment. That’s emotional abuse. Either he shapes up or ships out.

Since this conversation he hasn't spoken to me.. won't look at me. Just sulks

By the way, a 280 mile per week commute is really not that unusual. And most cars these days are really not 'shit' (I've had my share of them!).

Don't pander to his nonsense. You're trying to work out finances for the good of the family. Not his fragile ego.

Stand your ground. And the sulking would just make me think he is pathetic. And would tell him so.

Based on the car alone, fuel should come out the household budget and for 280 miles a week a bigger car is safer.

Then tell him in that case to stop his whinging about money and you wont be giving him anymore if he runs out. He's making a choice because of his vanity. He can suffer the consequences.

I think you need to audit what you are both spending money on and come to a more equitable arrangement. I can believe he's getting through that much more money a month than you, if he's trying to impress people by flashing the cash. Having a family to support should be enough excuse not to. Regarding the car, show him the first ten minutes of 'Four weddings and a funeral' where some seriously posh people drive off to a wedding in a broken down mini. That's what people do when they don't have to impress anyone.

Why on earth are you paying into bills equally when you earn less and are working part-time to take care of his children?

Tell him to grow up and stop sulking, you clearly have a need of the big car. Why have you allowed him to get away with this?

280 miles a week is what, less than 30 miles each way? For a start that’s not a huge commute.

You contradict yourself a bit when you say you having the big car would keep the miles down and preserve the value but at the same time you want to make it the family car, which will inevitably lead to it getting mucked up and devalued.

How shit and small is the small car? Are we talking Aygo or a tiny Peugeot or something better than that? Call me materialistic but I care about what I drive and I wouldn’t want to show up to work in one of those if I worked in a profession where these things matter. If his commute is on motorway or busy, fast roads, how safe is the smaller car?

Selling both and getting two medium cars sounds like a good idea.

You’ve got bigger issues than the car though - the way you split your finances, the fact he gets a good deal on contributing to family money and still runs out, the sulking and not speaking.

It sounds daft to consider breaking up over a car, but honestly this is how he is with anything materialistic.. he's all about image and I really can't live like this anymore..

Its not about a car. Its about a husband and father who cares more about his own image and wishes than his family's financial well being and your commute challenges and finances.

Why the disproportionate contribution to the finances?

Am I being a hormonal crazy lady

IME women ask this when they know perfectly well they are not unreasonable but overly conditioned into prioritising a man.

Yes, you divorce him. You divorce him because;

1. He's selfish
2. He's self absorbed
3. He's financially abusing you
4. He sulks
5. He's lying to you (must be)
6. He puts strangers perception of him above the comfort of his own family

I'm sure the list is probably longer

@bungaloid

You're basically asking him to cut off his own penis.

Me and DH have our own cars so not the same situation but DH does have the same 'view' and I dont get it.

He makes twice what I do but never has any money because of his bloody car - he has to have newer and popular but price and practicality be damned.

Twice now he has bought inpractical cars then moaned for years about how nothing fits in it. I raise this point every single time he looks at cars but he doesnt learn.

He even said people will 'laugh at him' if he gets an 'old' car. I drive an old car and no one 'laughs' in fact several people have asked when Im going to sell it and if they can have first refusal (all women btw) because its cheap and practical.

I pointed out his best friend drives a 20 year old car thats held together by duct tape, he insisted he didnt because 'no one would'. Next time we went out I reminded him of that as his friend parked up in his old duct taped car and got out and proceded to readjust the duct tape because quote 'its leaking again' lol.

So much for people noticing and laughing if DH didnt even notice his best friends car but he still doesnt learn.

What was discussed when you bought the new car? You must have agreed tben what you needed and what it would be used for?

I do sympa thise a bit with him wanting the newer car for work, especially if he works with status- conscious wankers (people can be nasty and he may feel it invites speculation about his salary). Moreso in view of his childhood.

I also sympathise with not wanting dogs in a nice car.

However it is silly to have you using an unsuitable car for toddler and dogs. And sulking is unacceptable. You need to talk through selling both cars and replacing with a more sensible big one and a flashier small one.