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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to bring a wedding gift?

183 replies

HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 17:04

I am invited to a wedding blessing ceremony by a friend. The actual (church) wedding was two months ago and was "family only". I sent a card on that occasion.

The current wedding blessing is badly organised: e.g., church and the venue (golf club) are 20 miles between them, and no transport is provided. No public transport either, so taxi. It is south of England.
I am travelling from the North, so need two nights in the hotel. Which is logistic nightmare: no hotels next to the church, no hotels at the golf club.
So expensive taxis adding to the train fair. It was already pretty annoying.

Then the email came asking for "cash or cheque to celebrate the wedding", not even mentioning whether it is a honeymoon or whatever. The couple is professionals in their early 40-s, it's their first "wedding".

I am unreasonable just to bring a card? I am really annoyed that I would have to spend that much money on taxis around because of their lack of thought and organisation.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 12/08/2021 22:21

They are already married and have taken their vows so don’t need to go it again. Id not go either. Wanting the whole big day and asking for gifts when you are already married seems very strange to me

Yes - had invite to one of these performances recently - Wedding in Registry Office, weeks later a Blessing Ceremony and soon to be months later a Reception.
The whole thing has got out of control - not sure which bit we are supposed to take as the 'event', but 3 journeys, 3 hotel stays and 3 outfits...........for one wedding is beyond a joke.

Lulola · 12/08/2021 22:24

@purpletrees16 a girl that went to school with the bride but I’ve met a lot as I previously lived with the bride. She is quite rude because she’s grown up having everything paid for so has no concept of not being able to afford something. Before covid the hen do was meant to be abroad and I explained I couldn’t afford it and she suggested I took it out of savings - haven’t had a holiday in 3 years and I live paycheck to paycheck…. But yea I will pay for a hen do and wedding out of the 7million in my ISA!

The bride was very understanding and didn’t care about our lack of plus ones because it’s us that are her friends and not our partners, and thanked us for attending because she was aware of the cost so was just glad we were there.

purpletrees16 · 12/08/2021 22:33

@Lulola at least she isn’t your friend! It’s awful when people do something like that because the comment for them will be instantly forgotten but for you as it hits your anxiety you’ll remember it for ages! I’ve been in such positions with holidays etc.

Any time you ever think of it again you’re giving her far more space in your world than she deserves. I wish for you that you’ll able to truly forget and just enjoy the wedding memories!

Sciurus83 · 12/08/2021 22:41

OMG say you've got to isolate and sack it off! Sounds like a right palava, we are in the age of the ultimate get out of jail free card, use it! Oh no what a shame, nothing I can do, so lucky I booked refundable tickets/travel insurance, phew! Look forward to seeing you soon, etc!

Sweetener12 · 13/08/2021 09:02

I wouldn't go at all given the circumstances.

StrangeToSee · 13/08/2021 10:21

I’d either not go or put £50 in a card.

You had the option to decline when you realised how far away and inconvenient the location?

I think not giving a gift is more of a snub than declining an invitation (make up an important reason obviously)

Booboosweet · 13/08/2021 10:23

If you're going you have to give a gift.

Thevoiceofreason2021 · 13/08/2021 10:26

Don’t go. If asked why say you can’t afford to.

Vitallyli · 13/08/2021 10:36

Sounds like covid messed up their wedding plans and they had to make lots of changes on the go, must be really stressful for them. I'd rather see a friend at my wedding then get a card with cash. I'd suck it up and go and give card with the money and feel a better person about it. Maybe only go to the second part or ask about lifts. I think we all had such a stressful time with covid it would be nice to go to a wedding and feel normal again. I friend of mine got married with close family right before the pandemic with the intention to have a big celebration abroad after that was cancelled, a wedding blessing with all family and friends would be an amazing idea.

Maireas · 13/08/2021 11:16

Don't go. You don't want to.
Don't send a gift. You can't afford it.
If the friendship ends, so be it.
Good friends would understand each other, but I don't think it's the case here.

Beowulfa · 13/08/2021 11:47

It's not reasonable to organise an event split between two venues without:

-organising transport for all guests
-co-ordinating car-shares

If it's in the middle of nowhere there might not even be enough local taxi availability for all the guests who don't drive.

I would make a donation to a wildlife/childrens/disability charity in their local area and note that you've done this in their name in a card. If they make it clear they prefer to receive cash I'd prefer not to continue the friendship.

youdoyoutoday · 13/08/2021 11:48

What is it about weddings that send people doolally??? I honestly can't get why having venues 20 miles apart with no transport provided is thought to be ok by the B&G? How on earth does spending so much money on a golf club think they can ask people for cash?? It's insane.

OP, in all honesty I'd jack this fake wedding off. If they get arsey then you'll know their true colours!

Maireas · 13/08/2021 11:52

Weddings do seem to have got increasingly bonkers. I think sometimes people lose sight of what it's all about.
Anyway. Don't go.

Andylion · 13/08/2021 14:57

[quote HmAndAh]@Antwerpen I was accepting an invitation for the actual wedding a while ago and initially was very excited about it. Then, it was changed to the blessing without the notice and additional rsvp. Grammar mistakes in the invitation (yes, I know I also have mistakes but I proofread the wedding invitations), generic "ladies and gentlemen" email invite, not bothering about transport, separate email about gifts a week or so ago etc[/quote]
OP, did you actually accept the invitation to this ceremony?

What is a wedding blessing? Was there not a blessing during the church ceremony?

(I confess I am a clueless atheist regarding this. )

Genegenieee · 13/08/2021 18:13

You know your friend well enough to feel entitled to give unsolicited advice re TTC, but then don't want to get her even a token gift and card for her wedding celebration because (even though you have accepted an invitation to attend):

  • you aren't that close any more and / or
  • you think she is lacking etiquette to invite you to a wedding celebration rather than a wedding during Covid times
  • you are spending so much money to go when you aren't even sure you want to due to the above

Oh the irony that you are criticising your friend about etiquette and manners...

shivawn · 13/08/2021 19:36

I would never attend a wedding without giving a gift.

It would annoy me however that they asked for money in the invitations. Most guests are going to give monetary gifts anyway but to request it is extremely rude and tacky.

StripyHorse · 13/08/2021 19:39

@HmAndAh

My husband refused to attend on the basis that it is a joke to have a full blown wedding blessing two months after the real wedding
Given covid limited wedding numbers, I think this is a perfectly acceptable way of inviting everyone that couldn't initially attend. My brother is doing similar because his initial ceremony was 15 people and no real reception (cupcakes and a glass or 2 of prosecco in the garden).

However, in your case, 20 miles between venues with no transport is a piss take and I would really, really have to want to go to the wedding to put up with that.

PizzaPiePizzaPie · 13/08/2021 19:41

I wouldn’t go. Covid works in your benefit here. Sorry isolating!

Eralos · 13/08/2021 19:50

You’ll be told on here you’re not but you are. It’s tacky to not give a gift, if you can’t afford the wedding don’t go.

RedHelenB · 13/08/2021 19:53

I think that given you've accepted the invitation yabu not to give a gift.

Maireas · 13/08/2021 19:56

Why is there such a crazy distance between venues? Is everyone expected just to drive that far (and not drink?). I've not come across that before.

headintheproverbial · 13/08/2021 20:00

If you go then of course you take a gift. However I'd say you WNBU just to politely decline.

surreygirl1987 · 13/08/2021 20:05

I'd say they're the ones being unreasonable by specifically asking for money. Urgh I hate that. If I wanted to go, I'd still go though (and probably pop £50 in the card). But as you don't actually want to go, it might be easiest all round if you made some excuse.

Ragwort · 13/08/2021 20:21

Agree with everyone else, just don't go.

And I don't see what's so wrong about not taking a gift ... I have attended weddings especially second ones and not taken a gift - some of our friends have everything so a token £50/£100 or a bottle of champagne would mean nothing to them. I did give one couple a charity goat gift for family planning Grin. They had about ten DC between them (second wedding) so they saw the joke.

Weddings shouldn't be about expecting gifts - I have had a second wedding myself and made it absolutely clear that gifts were not wanted or expected & everyone respected that.

Meraas · 13/08/2021 21:56

Either decline now or wait a week before the wedding and say you have suspected coronavirus.