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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to bring a wedding gift?

183 replies

HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 17:04

I am invited to a wedding blessing ceremony by a friend. The actual (church) wedding was two months ago and was "family only". I sent a card on that occasion.

The current wedding blessing is badly organised: e.g., church and the venue (golf club) are 20 miles between them, and no transport is provided. No public transport either, so taxi. It is south of England.
I am travelling from the North, so need two nights in the hotel. Which is logistic nightmare: no hotels next to the church, no hotels at the golf club.
So expensive taxis adding to the train fair. It was already pretty annoying.

Then the email came asking for "cash or cheque to celebrate the wedding", not even mentioning whether it is a honeymoon or whatever. The couple is professionals in their early 40-s, it's their first "wedding".

I am unreasonable just to bring a card? I am really annoyed that I would have to spend that much money on taxis around because of their lack of thought and organisation.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 12/08/2021 19:51

However it's pretty normal to have ceremony and reception a reasonable distance apart with at least one of them not reachable by public transport

I disagree

I don't think they have been unusually thoughtless in the planning,

Yes they have. When DH and I got married we knew that all of his family would have to come a long way by train, so we had the reception at a hotel that was a few minutes walk from the church.

At the last wedding do we were invited to the couple laid on a luxury coach from our village.

IMO it is rather thoughtless to expect guests to pay £££ to attend their wedding/wedding blessing.

burnoutbabe · 12/08/2021 19:52

[quote HmAndAh]@MarieIVanArkleStinks it would be just drifting apart, which with long distance actually means the end of frie5[/quote]
But realistically that will happen anyway.

I'd prefer to prioritise an actual visit to the couple at a later date than a snatched 5 min hello thanks for attending chat at their blessing. If you don't think you will see them much post wedding just disengage now.m before you spend tons

Newmumatlast · 12/08/2021 19:55

@JayAlfredPrufrock

I wouldn’t even go.
Same
SamiReed1 · 12/08/2021 20:04

@snowy0wl

SamiReed - the OP admitted that it was unsolicited advice and therefore completely inappropriate.
A friend gave a friend 'unsolicited' advice - which is, after all, what friends are for!

How is it 'inappropriate' to be a friend to someone?

snowy0wl · 12/08/2021 20:14

I think we are derailing the thread here, but society constantly tells us that “time is running out” for those of us in our late 30s and 40s. I’m sure the friend was fully aware and didn’t need reminding. It was obviously important to them to get married first and this should be respected.

veeeeh · 12/08/2021 20:16

The logistics of this have given me a rash!

Some weddings can be such a chore and hardly worth the hassle for a drink and a meal in the back of beyond most of the time.

I do not attend weddings anymore, just those of immediate family. I do still send a card and a gift when declining though. Gone beyond the wedding frenzy and angst, I just do what I think is best for me and my circumstances. There comes a time! Few will remember if you are there or not anyway.

I would decline but send a card and cash gift. You will save on transport, hotel and pure hassle.

If your friend is annoyed, well better off without Bridezilla then. Most understand that some can't make it. I know you have accepted the invite, just unaccept it and apologise. You will soon know who true friends are. Anyway the cash gift will sort all that out. LOL.

Neveranynamesleft · 12/08/2021 20:17

It's an invitation not a summons. I would be saying no thanks.

Nanny0gg · 12/08/2021 20:20

@HmAndAh

Correct, I don't want to go. But not going (coming with the excuse) would mean the end of the friendship.
And...?
HappydaysArehere · 12/08/2021 20:39

They were married two months ago and now want a Church blessing. The email says it all plus the total lack of consideration regarding the difficulties involved for you. I would wish them well and send an amount you can afford while saying unfortunately you can’t manage the journey.

mumwon · 12/08/2021 20:47

food hamper as a gift?

annacondom · 12/08/2021 20:49

@fuzzymoomin

Surely the time for gifts was when they actually got married, which you say was two months ago. You are not close enough to the couple to have been invited to their actual wedding but kindly sent a card anyway. This one is just a blessing and a party? I wouldn't take a gift or card at all. And to be honest I wouldn't go. I think it's perfectly reasonable to explain to them that you don't drive, live very far away, can't afford multiple long-distance taxi journeys, worry about being stranded if no taxis available, and wish them well. Attendance isn't compulsory!
I agree with this.
therocinante · 12/08/2021 21:07

TWENTY miles between? I wouldn't be going full stop.

Bloody ridiculous.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 12/08/2021 21:18

Take a bottle of bubbly

douliket · 12/08/2021 21:18

No way go with no gift. You will feel
Awkward as well as annoyed on the day and anyway I don't think it's right to attend a wedding and to turn up empty handed.
BUT, and this is a very big BUT,I would simply not go. I would send a card wishing them well and apologies for not attending and a gift of cash/cheque in card.
They have been very inconsiderate, I would say your car broke down and has been to the garage and you have just had to eat in to the money that was planned to cover ALL the costs for their wedding so you are very sorry but you just will not be able to attend. Absolutely do not go if you cannot afford it or if it's putting u under pressure financially

INeedNewShoes · 12/08/2021 21:20

Just don't go OP.

The logistics sound irritating but more to the point, your disdain for the event is unpleasant. Covid probably means lots of people are having to have marriages/celebrations in a disjointed way.

They want to celebrate their marriage with a blessing. Don't go if you really think it's so ridiculous.

Save your money and let them have guests who actually want to be there.

Jerseygirl12 · 12/08/2021 21:21

Would it be easier if you just went to second part of it?

JustMeAndWheatley · 12/08/2021 21:28

@Neveranynamesleft

It's an invitation not a summons. I would be saying no thanks.
This
LesLavandes · 12/08/2021 21:28

You should tell her that you cannot afford all this and pull out

sunflowerdaisies · 12/08/2021 21:36

I have been to loads of weddings without transport between church and venue. More recently I drive and leave the car at the reception venue, but in my 20s I just rocked up and asked someone for a lift to the reception venue, they'll be someone!

I don't think this factor makes the couple inconsiderate at all, I also don't think it's at all rude of you if you asked the bride if she knew of anyone who could give you a lift.

However, the way you talk about her I think your friendship has run it's course regardless so I wouldn't go.

essentialhealing · 12/08/2021 21:41

Imagine if you got pinged and couldn't go

CareBear50 · 12/08/2021 21:41

That's a tricky one OP, as I think it depends on where you live re the minimum to give as a gift.

Where I am ((belfast), anything less than £50 would be seen as very tight. I am not sure what the norm is in your area, but maybe £40 minimum??

Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy the wedding x

drpet49 · 12/08/2021 21:45

Why are you going? It is obvious you don’t want to go for whatever reason.

drpet49 · 12/08/2021 21:45

I would never turn upto a wedding empty handy. That is just rude and tacky.

squiddybear · 12/08/2021 21:54

@HmAndAh

My husband refused to attend on the basis that it is a joke to have a full blown wedding blessing two months after the real wedding
That's a bit off. Don't forget we were in the middle of covid with very reduced numbers. Lots of friends/people I know had a small wedding so they could get married and have pushed back a blessing/additional ceremony to when people could travel and attend
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 12/08/2021 22:08

@HmAndAh

My husband refused to attend on the basis that it is a joke to have a full blown wedding blessing two months after the real wedding
I can see why he thinks that.

They are already married and have taken their vows so don’t need to go it again. Id not go either. Wanting the whole big day and asking for gifts when you are already married seems very strange to me.