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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to bring a wedding gift?

183 replies

HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 17:04

I am invited to a wedding blessing ceremony by a friend. The actual (church) wedding was two months ago and was "family only". I sent a card on that occasion.

The current wedding blessing is badly organised: e.g., church and the venue (golf club) are 20 miles between them, and no transport is provided. No public transport either, so taxi. It is south of England.
I am travelling from the North, so need two nights in the hotel. Which is logistic nightmare: no hotels next to the church, no hotels at the golf club.
So expensive taxis adding to the train fair. It was already pretty annoying.

Then the email came asking for "cash or cheque to celebrate the wedding", not even mentioning whether it is a honeymoon or whatever. The couple is professionals in their early 40-s, it's their first "wedding".

I am unreasonable just to bring a card? I am really annoyed that I would have to spend that much money on taxis around because of their lack of thought and organisation.

OP posts:
SamiReed1 · 12/08/2021 19:12

@burnoutbabe

I'd not attend and send a gift as I'd saved all that cash on hotels and trains and taxis

Taxis are also a huge faff to get from middle of nowhere venue to other middle of nowhere venue.

This sounds a good idea. Send a gift in lieu of attending.
Funnylittlefloozie · 12/08/2021 19:13

Bottle of nice champagne in a pretty bag, and a lovely card.

purpletrees16 · 12/08/2021 19:15

I’d rather have the person… but then my friend group doesn’t even do birthday presents at parties. Bring chocolates. A few people did that for my mine and I had them with coffee in the afternoon afterwards - enjoyed immensely!

Don’t worry about it - have fun seeing your friends or don’t go.

TootTootTootToot · 12/08/2021 19:15

@HmAndAh

Correct, I don't want to go. But not going (coming with the excuse) would mean the end of the friendship.
Covid track and test is the perfect excuse for everything
Fullofglee · 12/08/2021 19:16

I'm going against the grain here but your being very bitchy, there were restrictions due to covid 2 months ago so it makes sense numbers were limited. They have planned the wedding they wanted with friends and family now restrictions have eased. Your up north anyway so you had to travel, you could have spoken to local family to see if you could have got a lift from the church. If you don't want to go, don't go I'm sure she doesn't need a friend like you who bad mouths her on the Internet.

Ionlydomassiveones · 12/08/2021 19:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

purpletrees16 · 12/08/2021 19:20

Do you know why the change? Getting any sort of event planned at the moment is really hard. I know someone moving heaven and earth because groom’s family are too afraid of Covid to travel so whole thing is changing at late notice with her trying to get things organised from a venue to a garden plus registry and it’s all stressful and hard on top of her work which is severely understaffed due to revenue cuts and job uncertainty… so it’s possible it’s a best of a situation rather than something she did to spite you!

Lulola · 12/08/2021 19:21

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and didn’t take a gift or money because I just couldn’t afford to. It had cost me £300 in transport/hotel/taxis/meals out- couldn’t find accommodation to cook for myself so had to go for meals the night before. Someone called me rude but if I had put money in a card I genuinely wouldn’t have been able to afford to go. Me and a friend also declined our plus ones so that we could reduce costs through sharing hotel rooms and transport and got told that was rude too - we gave enough notice for others to be invited.

I don’t understand how people can be mad/call you rude for not being able to afford something. True friends wouldn’t expect you to struggle on their behalf.

snowy0wl · 12/08/2021 19:22

I agree with Fullofglee. I’m kind of hoping that the DM picks up on this post (they have been using Mumsnet a lot lately) so that your friend and her family can see what you really think of her.

Original poster
HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 19:22

@snowy0wl

The way you talk about your friend and their choice of wedding gives the impression that the friendship is over anyway. I would feel very sad if a friend spoke about me in this way.

It doesn’t sound like you are going to enjoy the day and so my advice would be to decline the invite (assuming it is not too late for them to get a refund on your place) and find some new friends.

It is a true observation, I actually really felt for my friend as some point. I met my husband at dating site and was sharing lots of advice about it. It quite worked for her - she got engaged in a couple of months, then planned the wedding. Then coronavirus:-( She insisted on getting married before ttc, and was quite rude about my (unsolicited) advice that it might not be the best idea at her age. So I got quite detached - her problems, my advice was unsolicited etc
OP posts:
purpletrees16 · 12/08/2021 19:23

From my point of view I don’t remember any gifts really unless they were amusing or really thoughtful (like a photo album) but I remember everyone who came and didn’t come! Because I really wanted to see my friends!

Fullofglee · 12/08/2021 19:25

Snowy0wl let's hope the DM gets hold of it, it smacks of op being vindictive especially the jab about spelling errors. There's nothing OP has said that's be positive about her friend only she doesn't have many to lose, I wonder why.

Fullofglee · 12/08/2021 19:27

How date you op tell someone they shouldn't ttc. The more you post the worse you sound. Are you jealous of this friend?

Original poster
HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 19:30

Well, it's the other way round, I advised (from professional point of view) that she should not delay conceiving at her age. She said that it was unsolicited advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 19:31

I meant delaying ttc is not a great idea at 40

OP posts:
purpletrees16 · 12/08/2021 19:34

@Lulola

I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and didn’t take a gift or money because I just couldn’t afford to. It had cost me £300 in transport/hotel/taxis/meals out- couldn’t find accommodation to cook for myself so had to go for meals the night before. Someone called me rude but if I had put money in a card I genuinely wouldn’t have been able to afford to go. Me and a friend also declined our plus ones so that we could reduce costs through sharing hotel rooms and transport and got told that was rude too - we gave enough notice for others to be invited.

I don’t understand how people can be mad/call you rude for not being able to afford something. True friends wouldn’t expect you to struggle on their behalf.

Who called you rude?! I’d say next time don’t tell anyone why. Blame work/kids/ for DH or just say he couldn’t make it and say how fortunate you are to spend time with your friend instead. If you gave them a card who knew it didn’t have any money in it?! Should only be the happy couple and they shouldn’t be saying. Ask said overly nosy people questions about themselves as that’s who they are really interested in!
snowy0wl · 12/08/2021 19:35

You gave your “friend” advice on the age to ttc?! I’m really surprised that you got an invite to the wedding at all!

KatesMott · 12/08/2021 19:36

I been to probably 20+ weddings so far. Some extremely extravagant and expensive others less so. All have cost me more in outfits, travel, drinks, hotels etc than my invite will have cost the couple. Some have involved deprioritising my own birthday (August born) or holiday plans. Some I’ve only known the couple via my partner and had barely met the bride and groom prior. If I accept the invitation I accept it wholeheartedly, and would think it terribly rude to not give at the very least a small token gift as a guest. If it’s such a hardship to go just don’t do it. If you do go then just bring a bottle of something nice as an absolute minimum. Don’t make it all about you, you have a choice in the matter.

Original poster
HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 19:38

Then we both didn't have a long list of friends, it happens

OP posts:
SamiReed1 · 12/08/2021 19:39

@snowy0wl

You gave your “friend” advice on the age to ttc?! I’m really surprised that you got an invite to the wedding at all!
A friend telling a friend the basic truth that it gets harder to conceive around 40?

Wow! Hang the OP up! Jesus, what is the world coming to when a friend looking out for a friend and suggesting she don't wait too long is such an offence! Hmm

I too hope the Fail do pick this up, so the bridezilla who cares naught about inconveniencing people and then demanding a cheque gets a reality 'check'.

Pottedpalm · 12/08/2021 19:40

A few of my young friends who had their wedding plans disrupted went ahead with a small ceremony and planned a party in the future. Some of them have now decided that the party money could be put to better use in their house deposit savings, or they are now expecting a baby and want savings for that. Personally I’m relieved!

snowy0wl · 12/08/2021 19:41

SamiReed - the OP admitted that it was unsolicited advice and therefore completely inappropriate.

Original poster
HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 19:46

It was my thoughts aloud "if I were you". Allowed in friendship?Hmm

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 12/08/2021 19:46

At the end of all the pallava you are £££'s down, alcohol free, knackered from travelling, stung for a financial contribution and probably wondering why you bothered.................hell no

RobynNora · 12/08/2021 19:47

I wouldn’t care a bit if someone didn’t bring a gift. That’s really not the point of a wedding!! Don’t overthink it.