Not to bring a wedding gift?

[HmAndAh]

I am invited to a wedding blessing ceremony by a friend. The actual (church) wedding was two months ago and was "family only". I sent a card on that occasion.

The current wedding blessing is badly organised: e.g., church and the venue (golf club) are 20 miles between them, and no transport is provided. No public transport either, so taxi. It is south of England.
I am travelling from the North, so need two nights in the hotel. Which is logistic nightmare: no hotels next to the church, no hotels at the golf club.
So expensive taxis adding to the train fair. It was already pretty annoying.

Then the email came asking for "cash or cheque to celebrate the wedding", not even mentioning whether it is a honeymoon or whatever. The couple is professionals in their early 40-s, it's their first "wedding".

I am unreasonable just to bring a card? I am really annoyed that I would have to spend that much money on taxis around because of their lack of thought and organisation.

Just thinking, if you did turn up empty handed would anyone know ? There will likely be a 'drop off' point for cards and gifts

Put the invoice for your taxi and hotel in the card!!

I wouldn’t go either. I wouldn’t take a gift if attending though as it’s not a wedding as they are already married. Maybe a bottle of wine as I would for a normal party.

I have attended multiple weddings that were not “real” weddings. You would be surprised how often it happens. There are all sorts of practical reasons the actual legal wedding might happen on a different day. I suspect most people don’t actually care. Couples often keep it a secret because a few people get really worked up about it.

@hibbledibble

If you don't want to go then don't!

It's not a wedding, it's a 'wedding blessing' so I'm not sure usual etiquette rules apply.

Perhaps just give a bottle of champagne if you do go? As otherwise a small amount of cash might seem strange.

It's true, there was only one card on Amazon with "Happy wedding blessing". I wouldn't go to the actual wedding empty handed. Do people bring money/gifts to the parties organised after actual wedding? Never been to one

Yes you take a card and present to a wedding celebration.

I wouldn't give a gift in the circumstances. It's not so unusual to have inconvenient wedding locations. But I wouldn't expect my friends to fork out ££££ to come to my party and give me a gift.

Could ask your friend if anyone can give you a lift.

I think cancelling the hotel making an excuse and sending a generous gift is a friendship preserving tactic.

You obviously begrudge the whole thing so why are you going OP?

It is known that it is not a real wedding - the invitations were signed with the family names

Thanks for everyone's advice, really appreciated

I wouldn't attend without a gift, it is rude but you dont have to attend. It doesn't sound like you want to go or that you like your friend.

I'd not attend and send a gift as I'd saved all that cash on hotels and trains and taxis

Taxis are also a huge faff to get from middle of nowhere venue to other middle of nowhere venue.

This friend came to my wedding, but the venue was central in a big city. We also asked for no gifts as lots of guests were travelling and we are professionals with nice salaries, so do feel awkward receiving kettles or cash

This is a refreshing approach OP . You sound very thoughtful, unlike your friend.

If you really don't want to go and really can't refuse (I don't really understand why but hey ho) then I suggest you come down with a temperature 48h before the big day.

They can't argue with you needing to SI, pending a test.

Yanbu they won’t even know. We didn’t keep a score who didn’t give us a gift, I don’t know if anyone didn’t because I wasn’t checking

I'm amazed that not attending a friend's wedding would be cause for them to end the friendship.

Why on earth would it?

@Antwerpen I was accepting an invitation for the actual wedding a while ago and initially was very excited about it. Then, it was changed to the blessing without the notice and additional rsvp. Grammar mistakes in the invitation (yes, I know I also have mistakes but I proofread the wedding invitations), generic "ladies and gentlemen" email invite, not bothering about transport, separate email about gifts a week or so ago etc

Could you text the bride and ask what’s the plan for travelling between venues?

Having a accepted, you should attend

I'd take a bottle of wine as a gift

And ask if any other guest could help you with transport. If everyone else is driving, I'm sure someone could give you a lift

@MarieIVanArkleStinks it would be just drifting apart, which with long distance actually means the end of frie5

@HmAndAh

It seems that the consensus is just either not to go or go with a gift/money and stop moaning.

I am more inclined for the second option. Is £30 rude? We are not welll-off, but definitely not struggling.

Wrong answer! Your husband is sensible. You should go with option one. She is no friend. I'd rather be friendless than have to fork out hundreds for some 'blessing' ceremony with no transport. She's very inconsiderate and if she stops being your friend over this, then you've dodged a bullet! All you have to do is say you'd need to stay in a hotel for 2 days plus gift and a 20 minute taxi fare. you just don't have the money. Now, she might say 'don't worry about a gift', but still, staying in a hotel 2 nights for a mere blessing 2 months after is beyond a bloody joke, and I wouldn't go on the 20 minute taxi fair basis alone, forgetting the hotel, let alone the gift even! Stop clinging to a selfish pos 'friend' for the sake of it, stop being taken for a mug, have self respect and say NO, you simply don't have the money.

Yeah I'd have declined this invite

[quote HmAndAh]@MarieIVanArkleStinks it would be just drifting apart, which with long distance actually means the end of frie5[/quote]
That is the BEST THING POSSIBLE for you! Drift apart from her, start now.

I'd either not go or if bring a gift.

With the logistics, it would be not go!

The way you talk about your friend and their choice of wedding gives the impression that the friendship is over anyway. I would feel very sad if a friend spoke about me in this way.

It doesn’t sound like you are going to enjoy the day and so my advice would be to decline the invite (assuming it is not too late for them to get a refund on your place) and find some new friends.