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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to bring a wedding gift?

183 replies

HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 17:04

I am invited to a wedding blessing ceremony by a friend. The actual (church) wedding was two months ago and was "family only". I sent a card on that occasion.

The current wedding blessing is badly organised: e.g., church and the venue (golf club) are 20 miles between them, and no transport is provided. No public transport either, so taxi. It is south of England.
I am travelling from the North, so need two nights in the hotel. Which is logistic nightmare: no hotels next to the church, no hotels at the golf club.
So expensive taxis adding to the train fair. It was already pretty annoying.

Then the email came asking for "cash or cheque to celebrate the wedding", not even mentioning whether it is a honeymoon or whatever. The couple is professionals in their early 40-s, it's their first "wedding".

I am unreasonable just to bring a card? I am really annoyed that I would have to spend that much money on taxis around because of their lack of thought and organisation.

OP posts:
Jerseygirl12 · 12/08/2021 18:06

I’d probably give a bottle of Lidl champagne and no cash.

Original poster
HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 18:06

and the problem with this would be?

Have few friends really so can't be choosy!

OP posts:
justthecat · 12/08/2021 18:07

I’m another one that wouldn’t go

Jerseygirl12 · 12/08/2021 18:07

Summersun2020 great minds and all that.

HealthKick2021 · 12/08/2021 18:08

@JayAlfredPrufrock

I wouldn’t even go.
Exactly this.
Original poster
HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 18:08

My husband refused to attend on the basis that it is a joke to have a full blown wedding blessing two months after the real wedding

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2021 18:08

I think I’m missing a part of me.

When I got married I invited everyone and literally didn’t mind WHO couldn’t come.

Several friends couldn’t come for a variety of reasons. Also family. I just said ‘no worries - there’ll be pictures’ and cracked on.

I can’t imagine ending a friendship over something like that. Anyone who would isn’t worth being friends with.

DynamoKev · 12/08/2021 18:08

When did the meaning of take swap with bring? Did I miss a memo?

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2021 18:09

@DynamoKev

When did the meaning of take swap with bring? Did I miss a memo?
American TV.
MrsMiddleMother · 12/08/2021 18:09

They're having the wedding Blessing that they want, if guests have to choose between going or between drinking or driving then that's the guests choice. Just don't go as you clearly don't want to and will always begrudge spending all the money on this wedding, gift or no gift.

rattlemehearties · 12/08/2021 18:09

Don't need to lie! Just give as much notice as possible that you can't make it after all. Doesn't sound like you are very close friends if you can't voice your concern about the venue issue anyway so she won't grill you about why you can't go

Jerseygirl12 · 12/08/2021 18:10

Could you make the trip shorter, stay for one night, not drink and use your car, ask the bride to arrange a lift from another guest?

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2021 18:10

@HmAndAh

My husband refused to attend on the basis that it is a joke to have a full blown wedding blessing two months after the real wedding
Possibly due to Covid restrictions though?
Lorw · 12/08/2021 18:15

Tbh it doesn’t sound like you see her as much of a friend, it is a massive expense to go to a wedding when you’re not local, maybe you shouldn’t have accepted the invite? Your friend would have understood surely?. After all they couldn’t plan their wedding just based on the convenience of yourself, it’s about them after all and where they wanted to get married, besides COVID has literally put a spanner in the works of so many weddings.

You shouldn’t go because it sounds like your resentful of the cost already and that’s without a gift which if you’re wanting to keep the friendship may start eating away at you, make an excuse up OP.

SunshineCake · 12/08/2021 18:17

@HmAndAh

and the problem with this would be?

Have few friends really so can't be choosy!

You really can.

Quality not quantity!

RainingChampions · 12/08/2021 18:20

@HmAndAh

I feel bad for lying
I suppose it depends on how much you value the friendship. I'm not really interested in having friends (introvert) so I wouldn't feel bad about lying. Life is too short to be twisting yourself into knots like this. Just think of a plausible excuse (childcare/work/overtime/lack of holidays etc etc) and let the friend know in good time (by text if that will help you). Or just text saying something unavoidable has come up and you aren't going to be able to make it - no need to elaborate further. Then, if you want to, send whatever you think is an appropriate amount from the money you will save on hotels, trains and taxis.
fuzzymoomin · 12/08/2021 18:20

Surely the time for gifts was when they actually got married, which you say was two months ago. You are not close enough to the couple to have been invited to their actual wedding but kindly sent a card anyway. This one is just a blessing and a party? I wouldn't take a gift or card at all. And to be honest I wouldn't go. I think it's perfectly reasonable to explain to them that you don't drive, live very far away, can't afford multiple long-distance taxi journeys, worry about being stranded if no taxis available, and wish them well. Attendance isn't compulsory!

Noshowwithoutpunch · 12/08/2021 18:21

If the friendship would be over if you didn't go then it's not much of a friendship is it?

I doubt your friend would go to the expense and hassle for you if it was your wedding.

Wolframhart · 12/08/2021 18:24

I’ve never attended a wedding where I didn’t end up having transportation and hotel expenses. Those just seem standard for me, but I recognize that some people are lucky to have gotten to avoid them.

I can’t really imagine not giving a gift at all. You should only give what you can afford and after traveling that may not be much, but I wouldn’t skip the gift unless you truly can’t afford one.

Original poster
HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 18:25

It seems that the consensus is just either not to go or go with a gift/money and stop moaning.

I am more inclined for the second option. Is £30 rude? We are not welll-off, but definitely not struggling.

OP posts:
AtillatheHun · 12/08/2021 18:27

Listen to @Jerseygirl12 - cut your hotel stay and mail the bride asking about transport between the Brunei’s failing which can she loop you in with someone who is driving (is hosts are that thoughtless, no problem letting them know!). Stick the saved cab cash in the card

Original poster
HmAndAh · 12/08/2021 18:29

@Noshowwithoutpunch This friend came to my wedding, but the venue was central in a big city. We also asked for no gifts as lots of guests were travelling and we are professionals with nice salaries, so do feel awkward receiving kettles or cash.
Most guests brought a card and alcohol though.

OP posts:
Genegenieee · 12/08/2021 18:29

I don't think you can turn up empty handed, it's very rude. I would spend what you can afford on a really nice bottle or two of wine to drink on their anniversary.

If you would not go to the wedding over this, you aren't that close a friend I suspect. Nothing would stop me celebrating a friends marriage, people have had to do all kinds of things to get married in the last 18 months and it can be hard to organise things as you might normally. Try having a bit more empathy.

hibbledibble · 12/08/2021 18:31

If you don't want to go then don't!

It's not a wedding, it's a 'wedding blessing' so I'm not sure usual etiquette rules apply.

Perhaps just give a bottle of champagne if you do go? As otherwise a small amount of cash might seem strange.

godmum56 · 12/08/2021 18:33

@HmAndAh

and the problem with this would be?

Have few friends really so can't be choosy!

but this is not a friend....this is a demanding CF.....hinestly NO friends is better than this.