So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

If her mum's job is so good-has she offered to fund childcare?

They both sound so awful Op.

Poor you, and my initial feeling is, how utterly unfair of them to put you in this situation and then effectively blackmail you by removing your time with the child. It’s really interesting that I have just read a thread where the OP feels her children are being treated badly by grandparents and here is the opposite end of the spectrum!

Please don’t have their child save on your terms. As a GP myself, I’m asked to reorganise my life for the DGC and I have quite firm boundaries. I’m entitled to my own life and to a retirement that I choose, not to be made to feel guilty if I want to go away or am busy. And you say you like your work and clearly get a lot from it: no one should force you to give up that agency and independence. You already do a lot for your DGC, you are allowed to choose not to do more. And please try not to feel bad, they chose to have the child, with all that entails, not you!

I'm sorry to say this, but your son and his wife are clearly trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what they want you to do: provide them with free childcare. You sound like a sensitive, lovely person and these people are using your kind nature against you. The only selfish people in this scenario are your son and his wife. What kind of person uses their child as blackmailing material against a grandmother? Absolutely disgusting behaviour...

I know you must be so upset and miss your grandchild...but I would honestly not bow down to their manipulation and utter selfishness. They will only find other things to demand from you and use their children against you to obtain from you. Be strong...

I have text daughter-in-law and (useless) son to ask if I can meet up with them for a chat when I drop grandson off on Saturday (taking him swimming with other grand kids Saturday morning). I am going to tell them no once and for all for the 4 days.. I can drop 1 work day and watch him for 1 day a week to help them out. Thank you for all your messages and I have realised I am NOT being unreasonable over this!... Its so hard when it's your family

YANBU, and you shouldn't give up your job to look after their child. It is their problem that they should have thought about before having a child. She can't demand that her mum gives up her job, but expects you to? Sorry but no...

If she withholds the child from seeing you because of it, then that is extremely petty.

My mum was still working when I had DC and she made it quite clear that she wouldn't be able to have DC more than a few hours a week so I used a childminder. Your DIL and DS and can do the same.

They probably don't want to cut back in other areas, but that's life when you have a child, something has to give.

Cross on your behalf - what utter arseholery by your dil and your son is a fool for not pulling her up on her behaviour.

she wouldn't appreciate it if you did look after your GD, so don't do it. She should not be threatening to stop contact with your GD to force your hand. Tbh she sounds like an utterly vile woman.

So sorry. It sounds as if you are being bullied. Don’t agree to it or you will feel resentful as time goes on. Would you be willing to look after him 1 day a week ? But you are not obliged to do even that. Good luck in being assertive. There are certain assertiveness words which can help. Need is one of them. You can say ‘ I need to keep working’ or I need to manage my own time’ without any further explanation.

There must be more to this story because I'm finding it hard to believe that anyone would be so incredibly entitled and obnoxious to call you selfish? YANBU OP.

OP when you talk to them in person you absolutely must have your OH there (I'm assuming he's DS's dad?) for support. And you need to make him support you, vocally by saying he agrees 1 day is reasonable. It's not fair he is being so passive and letting you be bullied by your son & DiL and you need to say that to him.

I totally get you are worried that they might restrict access but you do sill have some bargaining power here. I'm sure they will still want babysitting help, not to men tion the money you are putting aside for grandson. I'm not suggesting you would stop doing those things but if they threaten less contact you could hint it goes both ways and you aren't to be taken for granted.

Also the 'can't afford childcare' complaint is their problem and should have thought of it before having a child and not just assumed you would do it - very cheeky. And they probably can afford it , as others have said it just means they will have less disposable income. But why should you have less spending money by giving up your job and not them? Also your job is as important and valuable as anyone else's, and the lack of respect is something to pull them up on - " actually I love my job and feel hurt you seem to think it's not important".

Stick to your guns and repeat as a broken record "I can do one day a week". Focus on what you CAN do not what you can't, making it sound positive not a refusal. Don't explain or justify your decision, as they have no right to expect this or to challenge why you can't do 4 days.

I feel very cross on your behalf!

You sound so sweet and like you really care. Stick to your guns and just one day. They are being cheeky.

Why are you doing one day a week?

I mean that's your choice, but if you think that giving them one day a week will stop this, it won't. They will believe they can, eventually get you to do the 4 and won't stop asking.

Op, my mum and dad are I a similar situation. Dbro and his wife really expect a huge amount out of them. My parents did 2 days a week for me with my first. When my second was born, 7 years later mum told me it was too much to have 2 regularly. So we got him child care. Her health had declined during this time. It was absolutely understandable. Another 5 years later, after mum's health got even worse dbro and his wife had a baby and were so angry mum wouldn't look after the child. They felt she had done it for one of mine, she should do it for one of theirs. They didn't accept that she had aged and become ill. Worse still one of them was going to be sahp. but they still wanted regular childcare.

Mum and Dad did, however, do all emergency childcare. Babysat so they could go out or sil could go meet friends for lunch, take the kids away for the weekend. But for dbro and sil it's never good enough. If mum can't change plans they threaten to cut her off. If dad can't change plans they say very little. My parents have also, given them money when they were struggling paid for but of work for their house that needed doing. Gave them their second car, taxed and insured it for a year. My parents do loads for them.

My dad is continously, stepping in and telling them both they are being awful. They back down, then do it all again.

Mum has ended up having to put hard boundaries in place.

As in your situation its often led by sil, with dbro going along with what she wants. But I often think dbro likes it looking that way as dsil gets the blame. In my opinion my dbro (and your son) are as much to blame. They aren't children. They are adults making a decision to treat their parent badly.

Also like you, sils mum is amazing and wonderful etc. Yet has never looked after their child or helped them out in anyway. Not with anything.

Its heart breaking to see my mum being treated like this. But, both mum and dad let them get away with it for too long so now that's the dynamic.

I am so worried that they will cut back on the time my grand child spends with me

No doubt you are, but look at it this way ... suppose you were foolish enough to give in, what's to stop them demanding the next thing, and the next, and the next, all on pain of not seeing the grandkids?

Much better, surely, to make your stand now before it gets any worse (and maybe even suggest to your flaccid DS that he grows a pair)

I wouldn't even drop one day. They chose to have children, they must have looked into the cost of childcare. What if you were suddenly ill and unavailable for childcare? They are entitled and horrid for reducing contact, emotionally blackmailing you into this. Don't do it.

My Mum had an evening job so looked after my sister's children during the day for a few days a week. All lovely, everybody happy. My Mum was then diagnosed with cancer and was dead in less than 3 months. Now luckily my Dad was retired and had basically also looked after my sister's children who were now at end of primary age. He carried on for a couple of years until they went to secondary school. My sister always knew she was incredibly lucky that my Mum could do this, always knew that at any stage it might get too much and she would need to pay for childcare.

The difference was, my Mum offered to do this, willingly. My sister never asked.

You’re job may not be ‘as important’ as the other grandmothers, but it’s important to you! You enjoy the work and get paid enabling you to be independent and enjoy spending the money.

I wouldn’t offer 1 day at all!

They maybe entitled to benefits? There are options. One could change their hours.

Unfortunately babies are expensive.

You have said you like to give time and money to each of your kids/grandkids. BUT now one is demanding all of your time (you will be playing catch up the other 3 days with chores and errands) and also demanding your money as whilst they want free childcare you are losing a wage and all that that pays, including what you spend/save on the others, loss of NI payments. They want all of both. Sorry but they should of thought of this before they had the child. What was the plan? If they basically want you to 'pay' their childcare by providing it for free she should go and ask her precious Mummy with the high paying job to pay for nursery!!

Your DIL may well try to emotionally blackmail you by withholding contact with her child. If she is that unreasonable, her demands will not stop. You must keep you boundaries now, because people like this just escalate. Shame on your son for letting her speak to you like this.

Agreeing with any PPs who have said this would have an unrecoverable impact on your pension, aside from anything else and your additional caring responsibilities.

that would be a massive undertaking apart from the fact you'd have to give up your job. cheeky fuckers.

They are being completely unreasonable and selfish.I wouldn't be surprised if they go low contact out of spite but you can't give in to their demands as it'll only get worse,if that's possible

Wow the entitlement of it. They are being utterly ridiculous! They choose to have a child, so they can damn well pay for their own childcare.

YANBU at all! How dare they?!

Also lovely though i am sure you are , 4 days a week with grandparents wouldn't be all that fun. He sounds like he needs nursery surrounded by trained nursery workers and little kids like him.

OH has just helpfully said 'can we do 2 days a week for them at a push?' So I said that's great.. problem half sorted .. he can do one day to my one day.. which day does he want to do? He has gone ever so quiet!

Glad you come up with a solution you are happy with.

At the end of the day if they throw their toys out of the pram because you cannot help then they will be making life harder for themselves.

No more sleepovers, swimming, clothes and gifts etc.

Yes, it will be extremely hard for you not to see your GS so often but something tells me when you walk away with a firm no they'll eventually come back when they realise what else they miss out on.

@Beautifulbutterfly22

OH has just helpfully said 'can we do 2 days a week for them at a push?' So I said that's great.. problem half sorted .. he can do one day to my one day.. which day does he want to do? He has gone ever so quiet!

You need to stand up to your son the same way!