So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

You sound like a wonderful granny. Your other children being on your side is a great help here and they are right.

*be easy on yourself that meant

@LittleOwl153

So they want you to give up your income which in part helps ALL your kids/grandkids and then deprive the OTHER grandkids of your time too as you will have had enough of childcare in the 4 days. So to not choose to benefit only 1in 3 of your kids and 1 in 6 of your grandkids is selfish is it?

Yes this is a really good point. They are only thinking of themselves.

They are not unreasonable to ask you to help look after your DGC. But they are being massively unreasonable in their expectation for 4 days a week childcare and their judgement that you do not need to work. They are re also being massively unreasonable in withdrawing DGC from contact with you.

I’m not sure that you can ‘win’ in this situation, you either give in to their demands (please don’t, it’s probably the beginning of a slippery slope), or you find a compromise (1 day a week?) or you decline but probably see much less of them and DGC.

If they were reasonable people I would suggest a chat and finding a middle road through but I think that could be a tricky situation given their demands and assumptions.

Thank you every one of you all I just over worry about things I have tried so hard with my daughter-in-law but if you asked her if she liked me she would say no! I try so hard not to upset her of have an opinion on anything she says just to not rock the boat.. She is such a good mother to my grandson and they do work very hard but 4 days of childcare looking after my lovely (and boisterous ) grandson would be so hard for me to manage.

That's insane. 4 days childcare per week for a you child is huge. It's exhausting. And that's before getting into the issue of you still working full time.

I would call their bluff. Just explain politely that no, you can't/won't do that as you have a job and are not in a position to retire yet. If her parents don't babysit they will really be cutting off their nose to spite their face if they stop you doing the weekend babysitting.

I would gladly do one day a week as I have told them but this is not enough as they can't afford the other 3vdays in full time childcare..

FOUR DAYS?! Unbelievable. YANBU.

My DH is no help whatsoever as he says he is leaving it up to me. What ever I do is fine by him

there is no peace to keep....this is a Danegeld situation, don't go there.

They'll need you soon enough. Don't back down. Keep your job and the offer open for one day a week childcare. If they couldn't afford childcare they shouldn't of had a son.

and strike your DH hard for not being more supportive.

No.
Rinse and repeat.
Your son is a spineless arse putting you in this position, stop just blaming your dil.
I'm 49 and I would be able to do 4 days childcare for a boisterous toddler. It's too much. You'd never do it right, anyway.
Just keep the lines of communication open and keep smiling.
My sis and exbil did this to my mum btw. She gave up her job. We all BEGGED her not to.
Their circumstances changed and they put him in ft childcare within 9 months.
My mum really really regrets giving up her job and her health took a downturn.

@Beautifulbutterfly22

My DH is no help whatsoever as he says he is leaving it up to me. What ever I do is fine by him

I bet it is.

Cheeks twats! I’m absolutely disgusted. How do they know your financial circumstances? Don’t agree to this OP no matter what they blackmail you with.
They had their child. Time for them to actually look after it.

Just to add I am 63..so not old but no spring chicken.

It's always staggers me that adults seem surprised when their child needs childcare for pre school years, school holidays etc...

Weren't they kids themselves once!???

@Beautifulbutterfly22

Just to add I am 63..so not old but no spring chicken.

My mum was 60. She hated it. Loved my dn but she didn't enjoy motherhood to small children first time-round!

they are behaving disgracefully! Do not give into their demands… They are trying to blackmail you, essentially. I would make sure that your other children are aware of what your son and his wife are asking/demanding: I bet they would not be happy about it! I know you do not want to stir up trouble, but perhaps your son’s siblings having a stern word would help clarify things for him. I guarantee that although they may start pulling back now, in the long term – especially if DiL’s family do not do much babysitting – they will come crawling back when they realise they are having to pay for a babysitter. So sorry you’re going through this.

Yanbu - what a horrible thing to do! Sorry no advice but don’t let them walk all over you.

Keep firm and continue to offer one day per week. That way they know you would like to have your GS, just not 4 days per week.

We look after our grandson on 1 day each week and we love it. However, it exhausts is and we are very aware that an additional commitment would be too much.

This request/ demand for childcare is neither fair not reasonable.

YANBU that is a disgusting way to treat you. My parents are retired and very kindly offered to look after our 2dc 2 days a week. One is at school all day and one was at preschool in the mornings we were so grateful and very lucky they could offer this support. They won't take money but we treat them often as a way to say thank you. I would never ask them to do more or blackmail them into it. You have your own life and job that you love, you have to say no to this. I honestly am shocked that anyone could behave this way and think it was ok!

@Beautifulbutterfly22 Please think long term about your whole family. These two are using their child as a weapon. Let’s say that you do quit your job and give in to their demands. The second you do something they dislike in the future, they’ll just threaten to cut off your access to your grandchild again. You cannot let them “start” using their child against you like this, unfortunately, or it will never end. And if you DO take four days a week to care for this grandchild, you will develop an even closer relationship with the child, and then your son and DIL will eventually get upset with you about something, and cut off your contact with the grandchild (because that’s their weapon), but then it will be even worse. I’m sorry, but listen to your other adult children; I think they clearly know what your son and DIL are like. Also, if you’re already providing free babysitting for them on some evenings and weekends, I doubt they’ll give that up for long, so this may all be a bluff. They won’t cut off contact because it would mean biting their noses to spites their faces.

The one person I knew who did this retired at 62 to do childcare for her daughter. The drop in income was so bad for her and her husband that she had to go back to work two years later and work way past the age she originally planned to retire.

Even if you had already retired, you wouldn’t be unreasonable to say no to 4 days especially for someone who has such a low opinion of you but would still be prepared to leave her child with you for most of the week.

What did they plan to do when they had your DGC?!