So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

Wow, how entitled are they

No is a complete sentence, compromise by all mean IF it suits you, but no way is it reasonable of them to expect you to give up your life to suit their needs. They are adults. Your job is done

& the way they are going about it, by withholding contact, is harming their child too. Nasty

Oh goodness, do not do this, especially for an in law who is not even nice to you!

Really? The cheek of it! Like a lot of people we paid for 4 days a week of nursery and a mortgage. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking my dad or in-laws to give up their jobs!

Absolutely not unreasonable, I have seen many people be unreasonable in their expectations of grandparents looking after children on mumsnet but this one really does take the piss.

Rally support from your other grown up children and stick to your guns.

Sounds dreadful and upsetting but if you give into the blackmail they'll just keep pushing at your boundaries with no limits. It's good that you have support from other family members.

This is very selfish of your children Op. They are not thinking about you at all - this is very clear. That your job gives you joy is not an easy thing to find. So please, please do not give it up because your son and dil are putting pressure on you.

It may sound harsh but they need to workout their own childcare arrangements/modify their working pattern.

They were not unreasonable to ask you per se but they are being very unreasonable in their response to your 'no'.

Your son and daughter in law have some brass necks, don't they! They are BALCKMAILING you!!! It is absolutely critical that you not give in to this, OP, or who knows where it will stop.

You cannot prioritise one child/grandchild over the rest of your children/grandchildren.

I am a SAHP. We only have one car, a small mortgage and no foreign holidays unless taken by parents. These are the choices we have made to allow us to take care of the children we have chosen to have. If your son and DIL are having trouble affording childcare then they need to make cutbacks in other areas AS THE REST OF US DO. In our case, we have given up a second income, a second car, a larger house etc. This is normal. You can't have it all!

They are proper CFs! And they're being really manipulative. Don't give in to their emotional blackmail.

Maybe DIL should ask her parents to provide free childcare because they've overstretched themselves financially and see what they say.

So they want you to give up your income which in part helps ALL your kids/grandkids and then deprive the OTHER grandkids of your time too as you will have had enough of childcare in the 4 days. So to not choose to benefit only 1in 3 of your kids and 1 in 6 of your grandkids is selfish is it?

They sound utterly selfish and spoilt, and their demands are completely unreasonable. Can you other children have a word if you feel it’s awkward for you to do so? It needs to be put to bed quickly, they need to find themselves other childcare and move on from this sorry episode hopefully without having caused too much damage to the relationship.
But this is your DS responsibility as much as your DIL- they are both adults in the relationship so he is just as culpable. More so because it’s his actual mum who is being taken advantage of.

Maybe if your dil hates it that her son loves it at yours so much, she should make her kids home life a bit better and actually parent him herself. Rude cow, and your son is no better. He should be sticking up for you and saying no we will organise childcare. If their mortgage is too big, they downsize. That's what adults do. They both sound like children themselves, expecting other people to clean up their mess.

So your DIL hates it when her child says he has a great time with you on one hand and yet wants you to have him four times a week? Cheeky cow. You have a daughter in law problem op.

You need to get the rest of your family to rally round and support you here. Don't you dare let them walk all over you!

@Beautifulbutterfly22

Sorry I posted at the same time as you. Please don’t give into their demands, have her parents been asked to give up their job to look after their grandchild.

No they haven't but her mum has a job high up in a bank and can't get time off work ever! and me being a lowly shop worker, my job matters less her mum had never babysat but she is thought of much more than me!

Very rude of them how do they know what you can or cannot afford, which is beside the point anyway
Can your other children speak to their sibling and explain how unfair they are being? Afterall I am guessing your other children have not asked this off you
They had children and with that comes cost of childcare or loss of one wage if one stays at home, although many can now get tax credits to help with childcare also

Tell her you haven’t stopped being a daughter yet.

So basically your son’s love is conditional.
Keep saying no.
Grandparent does not mean presumed childminder. It’s their loss if they want to disrupt peace by carrying out selfish behaviour. Do not cave. If you don’t draw lines in the sand now, you’re screwed. Be strong.

Wow that's really horrible. Asking when they are desperate is one thing. But emotional blackmail, telling you what to do with your own finances and using your grandchild as a pawn to try and get what they want are all disgusting behaviours.

I cant believe they are calling you selfish for not solving their completely forseeable childcare issue for 80% of the working week!

If I was you I wouldnt get drawn into arguments as to why as they will not listen and will just shoot each one down. Just say no. If they want to use their child as a bargaining tool and stop him having a relationship with you as punishment then that's really sad but it's totally on them

That's outrageous, and you should not feel bad. Stay calm every time it is discussed and just repeat that you do not want to give up work. Make it clear that you love spending time with their child but that you cannot provide childcare at that level. What they do after that is their choice and not your fault.

As a 3rd daughter who has a three month old, I think what they're demanding is ridiculous.

Why should you give up work to look after grandchildren. Maybe one of them should give up work instead.

That’s dreadful. I’m all for helping each other out but I’d never demand something like this. It’s essentially blackmail if they’re cutting down on visits and it will only backfire on them eventually I’m sad to say. Stand your ground.

Don't do it.
How dreadfully selfish.
You do more than enough for everyone.
Keep doing your job that you say you love, you are entitled to a life too.
Your daughter in law sounds a real bitch, do NOT give in, you will regret it. You are coming to an age when they should be helping you and what happens if your elderly mother needs more help. This sort of attitude makes me so mad. Be brave..say No. Do not let them blackmail you over your grandchild.

Oh and my parents were retired when I had my girls but I’d never ask them to essentially give up their whole week to babysit let alone give up a job!

You most definitely are not being unreasonable, they are behaving spoilt and entitled!

Grandparents are not there to be used for child care at their offspring's beck and call, you have your own life plus working full time and looking after your mother (which can be a job in itself) so be easy in yourself. They are trying to take advantage of your kind and giving nature. They are the ones being selfish, not you.

I appreciate childcare is hard, but they should have had child care plans thought up which doesn't involve demanding it off you. My husband and I have no access to any free childcare at all as my parents are elderly and my mil lives over 100 miles away. Even if we did have family who could help, never in a million years would I just 'expect' it off them, or have the nerve to ask for 4 full days off anyone.

I appreciate you want to keep the peace and they have made you feel rotten. Is there anyone close who could have a word and tell them they are being unreasonable? If it came from someone else maybe it would help? Or if you think you could get through to them, have a serious chat yourself and set boundaries.

It sounds like your son and daughter-in-law could do with learning boundaries with you.

Your son sounds weak - maybe if one of his siblings challenges him he'll finally listen?

She can ask her own oh-so-wonderful family to give up their jobs to become her free nanny.