So worried and just want to keep the peace 😥

[Beautifulbutterfly22]

I have name changed for this. I have 3 grown up children (2 boys and 1 girl) , they each have their own children..( My grand children) Grown up child number one has 2 children, number 2 has 3 children and number 3 has 1 child.. I love my grand children very much..,I baby sit regularly for all of them, have sleepovers every weekend and buy clothes & toys etc most weeks for my lovely grand children.I also have bank accounts for each grandchildren which I put money in little and often. I also work full time and have an elderly mother who I look after. My daughter in law and son (number 3..1 child) has asked me to look after their little one for 4 days a week.. They said as I don't need the money from working I can quite easily stop working (which I love). No matter what I say to them they are saying I am selfish.. They have started to pull back on visits etc.. I miss my youngest grandchild. I am such a worrier and hate to be put in this position. My son & wife needs care for grandchild as with mortgage etc they are finding things really hard!.. I am so upset but don't think I can commit to all this childcare arrangements

I am wondering how serious the money problems for the son and DIL are for them to resort to these tactics to get their hands on the inheritance? Absolutely no excuse for their appalling behaviour but it seems pretty desperate.

I hope you've had a better weekend without their shenanigans. I am absolutely appalled they would go and ask about an inheritance, that's hideous.

Have a good natter with your mum and give her the context around trying to get you to give up work / switch to nights so you can do all their childcare for them.

She needs to understand this isn't a reasonable request from dear grandchildren.

Haven't read all of the thread but OP I think its significant that you talk about wanting to "keep the peace".

You sound like an incredibly kind and generous grandmother and one they should be very grateful for.

But it also sounds as if you have spent a lot of your life trying to meet other people's needs.

Your generosity is being used against you. You need to put yourself first and stand your ground. They are the ones in the wrong. You have every right not to give up your job to provide childcare.

I hope you are ok?

@Beautifulbutterfly22

I haven't told my husband yet as he will be so angry with my son and daughter-in-law

Hope you've been able to speak to your husband and mother about this, OP, and that you are all of one mind about what actionS to take regarding your son and DIL.

Your heartbreak in your last post comes across so clearly - I hope you are able to get support from the rest of your family on the next steps to take.

Reminder you need feel no guilt or shame - you have done your best for your family. 🌹

Been thinking of you @Beautifulbutterfly22 and hope that things have settled down.

@Beautifulbutterfly22 I hope you sorted your ungrateful son and dil out and told your dh about the will incident.

I don’t sweat much on here but fuck me, tell them to fuck off! Cheeky fuckers

[quote Beautifulbutterfly22]@SofaSpuds... My other grown up children are saying to me don't do it! But I am so worried that they will cut back on the time my grand child spends with me my daughter in law is very vocal in the relationship and my son just follows what she says 😥 She hates it when grandchild has said he has had a good time at my house . I love having him but 4 x per week is too much for me [/quote]
that would be blackmail!

Waited 40 years to be a nana had high expectations of how it might be … known sons girlfriend do several years now and always thought we got on very well lots of fun and always very amicable…. Then when baby came along everything changed now they are getting married I don’t see baby for 2-3 weeks at a time we only live 15 mins away … not involved or privy to any wedding plans or details and she still being off with me I don’t know how to improve situation and she is so closed and cold toward me

@Elle71022

Waited 40 years to be a nana had high expectations of how it might be … known sons girlfriend do several years now and always thought we got on very well lots of fun and always very amicable…. Then when baby came along everything changed now they are getting married I don’t see baby for 2-3 weeks at a time we only live 15 mins away … not involved or privy to any wedding plans or details and she still being off with me I don’t know how to improve situation and she is so closed and cold toward me

You'd probably be better off posting this as a a separate thread.

@ExplodingCarrots

If she has a job 'high up' in a bank then I assume she can afford childcare just fine. Don't give in to their demands.

Yes that's true, can her mother help out financially? What's the difference?

@Elle71022

Waited 40 years to be a nana had high expectations of how it might be … known sons girlfriend do several years now and always thought we got on very well lots of fun and always very amicable…. Then when baby came along everything changed now they are getting married I don’t see baby for 2-3 weeks at a time we only live 15 mins away … not involved or privy to any wedding plans or details and she still being off with me I don’t know how to improve situation and she is so closed and cold toward me

You'll be more likely to get replies if you start your own thread as some people only read and reply to the OP.

What kind of expectations did you have of being a grandparent, you say yourself they were high.

You also say that you "waited for 40 years to be a nana" which makes me think you must have been waiting to be a nan since you became a mum?

Could it be that you've put ao much pressure and intensity into the situation that you've scared your son and DIL off a little? If their child is still young they may still be in new parent mode, just trying to get through the days and not thing much of arranging things with others

I also don't think once every 2-3 weeks is that bad, that's probably how often I see my MIL and don't consider that it needs to be more.

If its really upsetting you then speak to your son, in a blameless and non-emotional blackmail type way and just tell him you'd love to see them more. It really just sounds like you had different expectations to them and neither is wrong or right.

That is absolutely disgraceful of them.
Just disgusting.

You need to tell your husband what is going on.
And shout to the rooftops to family and friends.
How appallingly cruel they're being to you.

They are revolting.

@Elle71022 yes you need a new thread, people will just reply to the original one and not your post.

I think you maybe expected too much, saying you waited 40 years, so pretty much since you had your son to be a gran? Maybe you imagined it was a second go at having children not your son and dil's turn to be parents? My in laws were like this and it was suffocating, it was very much they thought of their role as grandparents was somehow more important than my role as mother, they were too much and overinvolved. They thought of us having children as us giving them a grandchild, like the goal was just that, there was some very weird power struggle going on.

I think visits every 2-3 weeks is fine, that's quite a lot really if they work, there's only so much time they have together with their child as a family. My in laws didn't seem to understand that weekends are precious time for us as a family to do things, sitting around at their house is not my idea of enjoying quality time with my family. I think you need to lose this whole entitled expectation thing, this is your grandchild so you follow the parents lead, as disappointing as it might be.

Zombie ish thread. I wanted to know how it all worked out for @Beautifulbutterfly22

@Elle71022

Waited 40 years to be a nana had high expectations of how it might be … known sons girlfriend do several years now and always thought we got on very well lots of fun and always very amicable…. Then when baby came along everything changed now they are getting married I don’t see baby for 2-3 weeks at a time we only live 15 mins away … not involved or privy to any wedding plans or details and she still being off with me I don’t know how to improve situation and she is so closed and cold toward me

Every 2-3 weeks is plenty for a lot of families. I think you're putting too much pressure on them.

Life is busy, committing so seeing someone every week isn't always possible. They need time outside of work to spend time together (just their family unit), socialise with friends, exercise and hobbies, catch up on chores and do any of the many other things that come with having a family and a job and a home. They also presumably visit the other side of the family.

I think you need to adjust your expectations before you push them away.

My PIL expected us to see them twice a week- it just wasn't possible and the more they pushed and complained the less I wanted to see them

This is an old thread but I remember it well, OP @Beautifulbutterfly22 what happened in the end? I felt so sorry for you.

@Beautifulbutterfly22 hope everything worked out well for you. Your thread got resurrected.

Nobody should ask you to give up your job, op, not even your children. That is very important to you. If they think about it, they'll realise you are not being selfish but looking after yourself which you have to do. Having you as an involved, cheerful and healthy grandmother is important and it sounds as though you are that already.

Maybe you can help them in some other way but please don't be guilt tripped into giving up your job. Your mental health and well being is precious.

They will get over it, honestly.

This is blackmail and disgusting behaviour! I was fortunate enough to have help with some of the childcare from my MIL and FIL, which reduced nursery costs, however it was a mutual agreement and myself and DH would not have pressured then into agreeing or stopped them seeing the DCs. Keep saying no and do not give up your job!!

Please don’t give up you job. If you do that you will not only lose your income but also your independence And the ability to enjoy your own life. Your treats and clothes for the little ones make a great difference to you their lives.
There are nurseries and childminders who can care for your other grandchild 4 days a week.
Please don’t give everything up to do this.

You enjoy taking care of your grandchildren already and are an amazing Nan. Your treats and

Back away from them. Start distancing yourself. It will hurt but there behaviour is terrible. Possibly being driven by daughter in law. Surround yourself with people that have your best interest at heart. They don’t -

Omg, in an extremely rare moment I am absolutely raging on your behalf. They seem the biggest pair of arsehole cheeky fuckers I have heard of in a long while. Absolutely unbelievable that people can think this is acceptable.